06 January 2010

Work It Wednesdays.

Sure, it's nicknamed Hump Day, but how much humping can you really do at a time like this?

Chin up, scrappy readers. Because we're all reasonably upset about what happened last night, we at TSO are introducing a new segment today that may run weekly (eh, if we feel like it) titled "Work It Wednesdays". I literally just came up with the title 3.5 seconds ago based on (A) an upbeat Missy Elliott song that, when combined with Wednesday, creates a 2/3 alliterative title, and (B) I think we should get our minds off last night's shitshow. Because this plan is now only approximately 17 seconds old, you'll have to give us a lot latitude in figuring out what we do with it.

Today's question to you: If you were a professional hockey player (or you have played/are playing/will play professional hockey), which stereotypical role would you fill and why? Feel free to describe in detail the magnificent feats you would accomplish in fulfilling your designated role. Anything ranging from Datsyukian dekes to Homerian soul-squashing is accepted.

Bonus TSO points (oooooh!) for everybody who guesses my response.


  1. This is tough.

    I can't skate well, so a Darren Helm role is out.

    I'm a giant bitch, so a Holmstrom/front of the net role is out.

    I can't control a puck while keeping my head up for too long so any dangling is out.

    I haven't eaten my entire family so a Bertuzzi role is out.

    I can't fight so a Brad Ma...... wait.

    I'd be Brad May.

    - Tyler

  2. Second question: Is Bert more of a people-eater or a cat-eater? The idea that he was an Alf-esque cat eater came up in conversation with Petrella yesterday.

  3. I tend to umble the puck at the blue line alot, but I'm almost sure I can do some sweet dipsy-doodles to make it look less tragic as the team surges into the zone while I'm fighting with the blue line.

    I also liek to take plays off sometimes, but insist I'm top line material.

    Ville Leino it is.

  4. I've been lurking around all the Red Wings blogs this season but haven't posted yet... but this one is just too much fun not to.

    Let's see, I'm the solid D man but I can't score. I like to hit but haven't played in a checking league in a while so I guess I'm Nicklas Lindstrom so far this season.

    (sorry Nick)

  5. Let's see, I know I would have a hard time not punching Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf, Chris Pronger, Patrick Kane, Mike Brown, Bobby Ryan, Princess Cindy Crosby, Georges Lerouquefort, Jamal Mairy, and Scott Neidermeyer in the face if I ever saw them in public. Come to think of it, I would probably spit on them and stab them multiple times about the head and shoulders.So I guess I would be Todd Bertuzzi or an "insane" Darren MacCarty.

  6. I can't really skate. I am very stubborn and once I make up my mind to do something, it's very hard to make me budge. I am not at all bothered by "ugly" goals.

    Guess that makes me Homer! :)

    As a Team Contuzzi supporter, I don't like to think about him any more than necessary, so I decline to answer the second question.

  7. I used to be a good skater, smart and responsible player and a good passer, but without any flash. I was small as shit, and I still only am 176 cm and 70-73 kg, but I used to be good battling in the corners, winning the pucks, making passes to the front and getting there for the rebound. And then I'd try and pick a fight with the biggest player on the other team. Goalies hated me cause I'd hack and slash on them, so I'd be Draper combined with Homer, just smaller.

    You Natalie would be the scrappiest, meanest player ever. Kinda like Abdelkader, just with Tie Domi's fight skills and Homer's net precense

  8. As a Brazsilian I could be Robyn Regehr. Since it's gotta be a Wing... Maybe Derek Meech, the eternal healthy scratch who trips on himself on every single stride.

  9. I think for me i'd have to say i'd be Brett Lebda. It sums me up perfectly - the occasional nice play, the occasional head scratcher, and general on ice invisibility.

    I was going to say Doug Janik because I like to fall down a lot.

  10. I forgot that I was also a trash talker. My best one ever was going up to the ref, after we had won the game, while really pissed cause he'd missed two penalties AND yelled at me for doing nothing during the last shift and been really crap all game long. I asked him "can I have some of the stuff you've taken that makes you see things that doesn't really happen?" I got a 10 min misconduct, but the game was over anyway so who cares...

  11. I played soccer growing up and was pretty good positionally.

    From a hockey standpoint... Let's see.

    Out on the ice, I'd look like I haven't put on ice skates more than two dozen times in my entire life.
    I could occasionally surprise myself and everybody else with a decent bit of stickhandling.
    I'd have a shot that wouldn't dent a loaf of bread.
    I'd probably lose any fight I got into due to my balance on skates issues.
    For my size, I'd be incredibly easy to knock off the puck.

    Yeah, I'd be Tomas Kopecky.

  12. I was a perpetual second-pair defensemen growing up. My shot and my open-ice hitting were the only things that could be considered above average. And I was notorious going into a sort of trance for the duration of the game.

    I would totally be Brad Stuart.

  13. So, on our fantasy fantasy hockey team, we now have the following:

    1. A non-cannibal Brad May. Yep, I was as surprised as anyone else to learn that TTD Tyler doesn't eat people.

    2. A predictably un-self-aware Ville Leino. (I was hoping someone would pick him! Thanks, chollis.)

    3. A non-scoring Lidstrom, which is still pretty awesome (love that your name is Sprout, seriously).

    4. An INSANE D-Mac, which is just perfect for this team (and your name is Dena, so we can do a lot with the D-Mac joke. Promise, it'll only get a little old.).

    5. HOMER!!!! (I'm smiling at you, jennbikegirl.)

    6. Drapes/Homer, the boss of scoring and net disturbance, plus Swedegian Swenglish, for which I need to buy Rosetta Stone so I can converse with Norwegian Andy in more than one language. The Draper pick totally fits in with your trash talking, too. Throw in a little of Malts and you've got a talk smack stew going.

    7. Herm picked Derek Meech. Please think more highly of yourself, dude. You have 100+ people on your Facebook group! (Really, I love the fact that somebody picked Meech. I bet Herm can fight better than he can, though.)

    8. My. Boyfriend. Picked. Brett. Lebda. Please let this sink in for a moment while you ponder what it feels like to be me right now. In olde England, this would be grounds for a divorce. And possibly an execution.

    9. JJ from Kansas chose Tomas Kopecky from hell. Your self-described skill set does reflect T-Kop's "prowess" on the ice, though. Wait...who's Tomas Kopecky?

    10. RWH aimed for the stars and picked Brad Stuart. Congrats, buddy. You're our team's only All Star so far, other than Sprout's Lidstrom pick. I like the open-ice hitting skills you bring to the table.

    We need somebody to dangle and deke...anybody game for being a Pasha or a Hank? Come on, we currently sound an awful lot like the Flyers. Yikes...

    Also, I'm a little disappointed nobody volunteered to be our dearly departed Mikael Samuelsson. Come on, nobody often shoots off into the netherworld?

    Our team officially cranked the intensity meter to 11 because I'm going to be Aaron Downey, minus the potato farm, plus the personality of a full-tilt asshole. I would be the player everyone would hate...unless I signed with their team. (I love it when that happens...just don't let C. Pronger sign with us, ever, because I really do hate him.) Also, kudos to Andy for getting it right. We'll determine a prize system...sometime. It'll be good, I promise.

  14. I'd be a small shifty dangler - if I could skate. :)

    I do have excellent manual dexterity, though, so that part works.

  15. yay, I got it right (wasn't hard at all really). And the team seem to be sizing up kinda nicely

  16. I am playing in an Adult League... I'd like to think I'm a Zetterberg type... but I don't have any real talent at this point. I'd say I'm actually more like Cleary. I may not be the best, but I am going out there to do my best and I'll continue to try and wack in every loose puck.

  17. Yes! So now we have two scorers in Baroque and Crater. I think all other fantasy fantasy teams should be afraid...very afraid.