26 January 2010

This tastes like a glued up dickhole.

Sorry, no recap of a game I didn't see tonight, which sucks, because I like reading those. What I can give you though is a quick story about how I came up with that little nugget of a title.

Here's how TSO spent their night - Watching the French film Amelie, which if you've never seen it before...definitely worth a watch if you don't mind subtitles. Anyway, as you know, we couldn't catch the game because we have Direct TV. Throughout the game we caught score updates. Well, movie is done, and we look at the score guide......4-2 Wings, with about two minutes left. What could possibly go wrong? We break out a big fat bag of candy and have a few pieces. Then......

....4-3. We can't blow a two-goal lead in under two minutes, can we?

WE CAN!!!! Never doubt kids, never doubt, not this year anyway. Not even watching the game we knew what would happen. So the always lovely Natalie breaks out this squarish piece of candy. It states on the clear wrapper it's called "Jelly Nougat", but what it probably ACTUALLY was is a small brick of caulk. She's eating it and asks me if I'd like a bite. Suspect, yes, but I'm brave. I say yes and take a small bite....

The first thing I can think of upon tasting this rejected tube of JB Weld or whatever the fuck it was is of course the first thing I say, as I sometimes have no verbal filter - "This tastes like a glued up dick hole".

What I MEANT was caulk because that's what it looked and actually tasted like, but I think this was WAY funnier. It tasted worse than a bukkake sandwich. And it's also a lovely metaphor for the game itself! Immediately after the game was over we see the highlights pop up on NHL Network. Hmmmmmm. Interesting.

So blog land will tell us soon enough how truly shiteous this loss was. Describe it in detail for us, folks, because without having seen it, it SEEMS like this game was a shitshow.

Nat has a great Wednesday question in store for you, but my initial thought this evening: This is probably the second or third most frustrating Wings squad to watch in my lifetime. Thoughts? The cup is for closers, as A2Y so eloquently put it (forgive me if I'm incorrectly attributing that quote). This team isn't that, at least not right now.


  1. You should have stopped this post after the candy story, while I was still laughing. Now I'm crying. Thanks a lot. Bitch.

  2. Nick was fabulous, Eaves has acquired new man-crushes left and right, and Pavel and Hank were working well together.

    The defense collapsed like a cheap lawn chair.

    Shane Doan WIDE OPEN at the side of the net in overtime. :(

  3. Ditto on Lids and Eaves. I thought Fil deserved more than a -1. Stuart (-3) and Ericsson (-1 but seemed like -10) should not be allowed to stand next to each other. Bad mojo.

    I created a moniker for you. Anonymous and devotional. I kind of like it even.

  4. Nope, the game wasn't a shitshow. Evreything that Red Wings nation has been complaining about recently (except the giving up leads part) was off-base.

    Not reacting to adversity: How about Eaves tying it up 11 seconds after Phoenix takes a lead.

    Scoring goals: They put 4 up.

    Going into a defensive shell with the lead: Nope, they were actually attacking after Nick made it 3-2. Then, when Nick made it 4-2, they kept attacking. Phoenix got momentum and made us take a penalty, where they scored 6-4 on the PP, then they just worked it in and got lucky. The plays that led to both of Phoenix's late goals get tried seven times a game. They work about ten percent of the time. The odds against both of those plays working back-to-back are astronomical. Blame the asshole Wings fans who said they "saw this coming". The hockey gods love nothing more than proving fans right when they say their team is going to lose.

    Bottom line is that the Wings competed for 60 minutes. Phoenix competed for 60 minutes. The Coyotes got a couple more breaks than we did.

  5. Krononymous = the best, yet still anonymous, moniker EVER. I love, love, LOVE it!

    Thanks for your input, everybody. To echo JJ's take, judging by the highlights, it seemed like there was a lot to consider positively following the game. The goals the Wings put up were gorgeous plays. That makes it harder, in some ways, to deal with losing the game. At that point, what else can you really say about it?

    Onward and upward to the Wild tonight? Meh.