14 November 2010

Pissing on the worst logo in hockey

In a word - Dominating.

That was Saturday's game against the Avalanche; owners of the stupidest logo in all of hockey. I know the "rivalry" is pretty dormant, as the Avs have been also-ran's for awhile now. I, however, still feel the hate, as i'm pretty sure most Wings fans still do. Maybe not as hard, or as intense, but its still there. So even if its an early season game where half their team is injured.....I don't care. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Now that Hudler has found his game, Drew Miller is where he belongs, I think - The press box. No shame in that Drew. You'll get your ice time. Someone will get hurt, people will need rests.

2. The worst part of the above statement? Validating needless hatred of a certain podcast podcast NOT named TP:60.

3. On a related note - Check out the most recent TP:60, the one where in Natalie rocks crotches over the audio waves! Trust me, its amazing. You get Nat being awesome, Casey from WIM doing his thing, Disch, who is always good for some fun times, and Hollis, the best host in the biz. TP:60 is ALWAYS worth a listen.

4. On a podcasty note (again, not TP:60 related, but you know what i'm talking about) - If I were ever on a podcast, and used the following names: Hooler, Sitcharelli, Citzarelli, and Lindstrom; I would seriously fire myself from said podcast. Just sayin'.

5. A point made by Nat from the podcast holds true for me as well - I'm curious about the game against the Blues on Wednesday. So far, we haven't really played anybody. The only team we have played that was worth a shit was Vancouver; and we got them at the end of a West Coast trip; on the tail end of a playing the night before. Not a true indicator of how things could go; at least I don't think so. But I mean, beating up on an injury riddled Avs team doesn't mean a great deal. Now we can start measuring what the team is really about. It starts with the Blues on Wednesday. The Scrappy household has watched a bunch of Blues games this year and are impressed. Not a bad team. Really curious to see what the Wings can do Wednesday.

All told, a great win. When Bert is shooting the puck like that, you know the Wings are rolling. And there will likely be a lot of locusts in our future. Finding a safe bunker might not be the worst idea.

Go Wings.

08 November 2010

Get your ass out there and hang on to it!

Oh, I will Babcock, I will. Live TV is glorious.

A good effort by the Wings tonight. Much better than the Vancouver game, which fell apart. One observation i'd like to throw out from that game - Luongo's body language is HORRIBLE. He gave up 4 goals, and on half of those, he baby cried about something or the other.....it was never HIS fault; either someone interfered, or Cleary 'threw it in', or the sun was in his eyes, or some shit....Just suck it up and move on.

Anyway, on to tonights game:

1. Jimmy's near death experience on the ice scared the living shit out of me. Where did yours jump to? Mine? Groin injury; followed closely by blown MCL (look who remembers taking Human Anatomy ages ago in high school. Me=expert). Thankfully he just had to rub a little dirt on it and he was fine.

2. Jiri Judler is a midget. Duh, i'm sure is the first thing YOU thought. Dick. Homeboy is seriously weak on the puck.

3. Ulf Samuelsson - I can't believe that fucker is a coach. I figured he'd taken to a post-career job of burning down convents and taking shits on homeless people while they sleep. Nat's thoughts on Ulf? "His eyes are way too close together", implying of course he has some sort of cognitive difficulties. Why yes, yes they are, and yes, he likely does. She's the best :)

4. I'm going to give you three phrases, used in order of most scary to least scary:

Lebda joins the rush!
Looks like Stuart is jumping up in the play!
The Wings have brought Tim cheveldae out of moth balls to start in goal for the remainder of the season

5. I could give or take the first two periods of the game. Pav made me want to throw myself from a moving car until the third, when he decided to shoot again. Starting in the Vancouver game, I felt he did that thing he does where he becomes "too cute" and stops doing the things that make him good. Of course, this is me essentially saying "Hey, best player on the team, perpetual Selke nominee.....Here's what you SHOULD be doing", so i'm going to shut the fuck up.

6. Speaking of said first two periods....until about two minutes to go in the second; everything just looked off. No one was meshing, shit didnt look right at all. Except....

7. Abdelkader. This kid is a house on fire right now. At this point i'm sure he can do no wrong. A great couple of games by him. He's so awesome i'm fairly certain he impregnated me from afar tonight; especially difficult a task since i'm a dude.

8. Fun fact - during the Versus coverage; when they showed footage from the concourse....Did you see that Legace jersey? It happened, I promise.

9. I was also asked to address the fact that Aaron Ward looks like an asshole/date rapist.

OT win is pretty awesome. Rusty came up big in overtime. A win is a win.


06 November 2010


See what I did there? With the oil?

I've started with this theme in my past few game recaps, but its really true - Its great watching this Wings team. The last two games were complete dominance. Calgary; the game was 2-1, and it never felt in doubt, not once. Tonights game was the same. Complete dominance. Granted, this is Edmonton - you SHOULD dominate them, as they are not particularly good at hockey. Last year, however, it didn't go that way in games like these. This team, however, is different. Way different. Not much changed; but a lot changed, if you know what I mean. Onward to the recap, broken down by periods, as I finally decided to get smart and take notes so I don't forget the multitude of shit I want to say about the game while its occurring....so anyway, my random observations:

1st Period

As a Center Ice subscriber, I have to point this out - Watching Edmonton games is ALWAYS strange. The arena seems....darker than most. I never notice player shadows, but it Edmonton, its so prevalent. What accounts for this? Smart people, unite, and tell me. Its also the only arena that comes to mind where the camera angle is behind the player bench, instead of the penalty box. I could be way off on this.

Mickey seems extra crazy/drunk this season. Random, almost incoherent mid-game rants....I think I like this Mickey. He and Murph need to hang out more often.

One thing I missed while hockey season wasn't around? Commercials for Big Boy. So nostalgic. In college, our town had a Big Boy. The food was borderline poison, but they had a Big Boy statue in front the size of a person. It was my goal to steal it. Sadly, it didn't happen. This is, and always will be, my lifes biggest regret.

Here's exactly what I wrote next on my paper - "Resurgence of Riggy Shitbox" (kudos to TPL for the name; best shit ever). Two games back is not a great sample size, but that oaf is playing a fucking good game.

On a related note, with Bert starting the season hot, and Riggy Shitbox looking serviceable....I'm convinced all we need is TPL to talk shit about horrible players and they'll turn it around. Maybe you take a run at Janik next? Perfect transition to the....

2nd period

When Stu went down in front of the net, our house thought he was dead....until we saw the replay and realized he took a lesson from the Dougie Janik school of skating and simply fell down. Maybe we make Doug an assistant coach to teach falling without injuring yourself.

Yes, the hit on Pav was clean (though initially, it looked horrendous in fast motion). That being said, I LOVE Ericsson defending Pav here. Teams need guys like that.

Hudler kind of belongs back in the press box, yes?

Abdelkader is on-fucking-fire, yes? Holy shit that kid is playing well right now.

Kindl takes some dumb penalties.

3rd period

More of an overall theme....but yeah, that game didn't really feel in danger to me. Not once.

Stortini is a shit heel.

Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy....this kid can take the Wings far. With the defense playing pretty damn good in front of him, he can make those 4 or 5 tough saves most nights to keep them on top. I love him.

Overall, a pretty complete night for the Wings, wouldn't you say?

The potential, if unrealistic, thought of Joey Mac in the tail end of the back to back on the road scares me just the slightest bit.

Go Wings.

21 October 2010

Wings extinguish Flames 4-2.

After a rest period of no fewer than 2.5 light years, Red Wings hockey returned tonight with a visit by the Calgary Flames to the Joe.

--How fitting was each of the Wings' four goals tonight? Zetterberg with his Flying Circus comrades, then Lidstrom, both of whom were previously goal-less in the young season, scored absolute Miss-Universe-with-real-cans beauties of goals, then Franzen scored on an otherwise indescribable Franzenesque chance off Kiprusoff's person. Kinda makes me regret the decision to tell B earlier in the game that Kipper always plays against us like he has a chip on his shoulder... Oh, and how about that last one from "I still have a purpose here" Man o'Lantern? Happy early Halloween, kiddos.

--Jimmy Howard looked absolutely on point tonight. While naysayers and worrywarts fret about sophomore slumps, he's kicking ass, taking names and probably nailing your girlfriend...in your girlfriend's dreams.

--In reference to Ruslan Salei's net-lifting, I have just one thing to say: Maybe we should kiss again to teach him a lesson about obvious. If you don't know, now you know.

--Anybody fascinated by the concept of time travel should probably get in touch with Mark Giordano, as I'm pretty sure he visited 1956 and stole Elizabeth Taylor's eyebrows.

--Speaking of pretty, anybody else still a little skeeved out by Mickey's talkgasm over seeing a helmet-less Kronner early in the game? I think it went a little something like, "Oh, my, that's a beautiful sight..." followed by some grumble-sighs, but it's all mostly fuzzy and redacted in my mind's eye. Something about a switch flipping to prevent the ol' PTSD from reoccurring...

--Jarome Iginla must dislike playing us.

--Yeah, it goes without saying on this site, and yeah, I've written several odes to the guy explaining exactly how I feel, but it's a new season, and I've gotta say it again: There will come a day when we no longer see Homer's upset face jabbering at opponents between whistles. Until that day, I move that FSD establish a permanent Homer Iso-Cam so we can watch him go through the motions of being Tomas Fucking Holmstrom at all times.

--Curtis Glencross is challenging Mason Raymond for TSO's favorite "Could Be a West Virginian" name. Negative points for not having a full name comprised of two first names, but bonus points for having a compound surname that sounds like either country directions ("I think she lives out on the bypass, at the glencross") or a country threat ("Imma cut that bitch if I don't glencross her first").

--Finally, since I know there are so many of you who found your way here because we're the top two Google results for "Doug Janik falls down" (check it, ingrates!), what about that time Doug Janik fell down tonight? Clock that one into the ol' spank bank, boys and girls.

Tonight's win felt fan-fucking-tastic. Let's do it again on Saturday against the Quacks.

14 October 2010

Tonight's game was one of them flaming bags again...

Good things about tonight's game:

During said game, I downloaded an Antoine Dodson soundboard for my Android. So I got that going for me.

Things that were bad about the game:

Things involving ice.

The cries of "Eat a dick Ozzie" were heard round the Twitterverse. Brad Stuart was apparently abducted before the game and replaced by Rig (or at least he played like that over-sized shit filled colostomy bag who attempts to play defense) . We all waited with baited breath for the Kari Lehtonen catastrophic injury that didn't happen (I had tonight in the office pool). A dumpster fire all around.

Here are some thoughts to cheer you up, because as you know, I'm a glass-half-full kind of cat:

1. Currently on VH1, Rocky 4 is on, right at the point Rocky is giving his "If I can change, you can change" speech that ended the Cold War.

2. Todd Bertuzzi didn't kill anyone...that we know of.

3. It's Friday.

4. Following up Rocky 4 on VH1? Road House.

Kick back and enjoy the weekend. There's a lot more hockey ahead.

13 October 2010

Calm the fuck down.

The Wings should not have lost tonight.

It is, however, early. No one should be worried at all. I saw it, a little bit so far. Some folks need to be talked off ledges...IN OCTOBER. Breathe, people. Deep, cleansing breaths. It is going to be ok.

How do I know this? So far this season you've seen the Wings be at times unstoppable. The beautiful, fluid motion we've seen in the past...we're seeing it, right now, at times. For the Anaheim game, we saw it for the entire game. At Chicago, we saw it less. Tonight, well, we saw some...but we also saw mistakes and letdowns.

It's a growing process. We're working in those few new pieces, and now we have a few injuries to worry about. Bottom line?

It's game three. Let's all relax.

On to some game-time thoughts:

1. Hey, Mr. Janik...Next time there's a fight, walk away. I'd prefer not to ever have to deal with seeing that again. Or maybe you could just fall down before it starts.

2. Peter Budaj - Is Budaj Slovak for "Worst goaltender currently playing not named Andrew Raycroft"? Just curious.

3. Peter Budaj's helmet is a complete fucking dumpster fire.

4. The Wings couldn't even get ONE in the shootout? Really?

5. Jimmy, friend, not your best work. The O'Reilly goal is a must stop 10 times out of 10.

6. Until he's retired, I will ALWAYS hate Adam Foote and his stupid damn face. Just the very look of him makes me wish someone would Kronwall him.

7. Kronner...Did you misplace the Harry Potter glasses tonight, sir? What the fuck was on your mind tonight?

8. So many things tonight, in flashes, looked amazing. Mule's dominance. Cleary is flying around like a crazy person (I think it's because he's still mad at me). Hudler (or Hooler, if you rather) looks great. So many things this season have looked great so far. Just gotta iron out the rough spots.

9. Not missed tonight? Ericsson's "physical presence". Hopefully someone gets the joke.

10. You will be missed Mr. Maltby. Hell of a career, sir.

That's my sleepy game for tonight. Just remember folks - It's going to be ok.

10 October 2010

Dropping deuces on Chicago's little party

Before we get to my thoughts on the game tonight, let's talk for a second about Chicago's little Stanley Cup party and their upcoming season...

Seriously, what the fuck was that?

I mean, really, what was that? What were you trying to do? You trot out every single member of the staff ever. You run a full montage of players who aren't there anymore to the tune of a shitty U2 song. You trot out Edzo to run off at the mouth about god knows what. I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to accomplish with your little "We're awesome!" dog and pony show, but I promise, it was way worse than you imagine.

So yes, celebrate. It's fine. Really. Because the way you donkey-punched your salary cap for the duration of Brian Campbell's life, well, it's the last one you'll see for a while, I'm sure. I'd feel bad for Q-Stache and the gang if I thought for a moment they were capable of feeling real feelings somewhere in the far reaches of their dark, empty souls.

So yes, on to my hockey-related thoughts for the weekend:
  • In regards to the Anaheim game - Fuck them. It's hard to waste a great deal of time hating a team that is terrible at hockey and not particularly good at anything outside of ridiculous thuggery. It was rewarding to see the Wings be able to move up and down the ice and do basically whatever they wanted for most of the game.
  • Jimmy looked stupid good against Anaheim. Almost makes you forget about the silly number of turnovers and odd man rushes allowed. It's hard to believe he's ours.
  • It looked like throwback Ozzie out there tonight against Chicago. He looked competent. Dare I say, even...good. Sure, goal number two was weak-ish, but he made a couple of great game-saving stops. Glad to see you back, sir.
  • Last note regarding goaltending - Marty Turco really looks like he's trying to do add a degree or two of difficulty, doesn't he? He makes basic shit look really, really clusterfuck-ish. Dallas fans probably giggled a little bit in the off season when they heard someone was paying him more than $10.50 an hour to do ridiculous shit (and be a starter, no less!). I bet they wish they could have afforded that extra $750,000 for Niemi's arbitration award, eh?
  • When your crunch time lineup in any way involves Mr. 21 points himself Tomas Kopecky, well, that doesn't bode well for your season (seriously, he was on the ice in the final minute! FOR REAL). Chicago fans would be fearful if they even knew he was on the fucking team. THEY ARE BANDWAGONERS, in layman's terms.
  • People who say Chicago won't make the playoffs are wrong. They will. They still have arguably the best top defense pairing in the league in Seabrook and Keith. They still have Toews and Kane. But, damn, are they top-heavy. It's like one good line and a complete abortion after that. When people like Kopecky, some guy named Pirri, and Fernando Pisani's ulcerative colitis are prominently involved, well, let's just say the word "repeat" won't be thrown around as much as Chicago's fanbase would like (whatever is left of it after the start of the season. BANDWAGONERS, that's what I'm trying to tell ya).
  • It's nice seeing Dan Cleary hooked up to the juvenation machine. As someone who has said previously I didn't like his game...nights like tonight and Friday change my mind. When he holds that puck till the last second, knowing he's going to get the shit knocked out of him, just to make a play...you need guys like him. My apologies, Buckets.
  • Hope you enjoyed playing last night, Rig, as I believe you've lost your job to Mr. Kindl. Good game by him.
  • A sweet game time observation courtesy of Nat - "Did Filppula attend the Briere and Leino school of not being a vag?" Why, yes, it looks like he did. Way stronger on the puck.
  • An overall observation - It's great to see Red Wings hockey this year. I don't mean the game itself, but the style of play. Skill through the neutral zone. Carrying the puck in. Not the same dump and chase, grind it out team we had last year. I missed this.
  • The top horses look as such again. Hank, Pav, they all look 100% better than last year.
  • And lastly - Todd Bertuzzi took a dumb penalty by basically riding a guy. Glad to see he's in mid-season form. I really don't mind that he's here, but I am saying his IQ is probably hovering somewhere around Brick Tamland territory.
  • Either way, it's great to see hockey back. Life makes sense again.
  • Oh, and a quick plug - If you have an Android phone, check out an app written by friend of the blog Crater. It's called NHL Hockey Feeds, and its neat/easy to use. Search for it in the Android market (either by its name, or author Michael J Gorman, if you rather) if you're interested in making it easier to follow your favorite team on Twitter.
I have to thank Nat for her contribution here. Without her, half these Chicago related quips wouldn't exist. Go Wings. Strong start to the season...

25 September 2010

Welcome back, Wings. And welcome back to US

With this post I'd like to officially reintroduce The Scrappy Octopus back into the blog world!

You missed us, admit it.

Sure, we may have taken the off-season pretty much off...But we just didn't feel like posting the 300th opinion on Mike Modano's lengthy decision making process. Here we are though back and ready for another Wings season. What better way to kick it off than with our first game recap of the season? First, however, a little background on who we are (for those who may have forgotten). Pay close attention.

We are two people who happen to be gigantic Wingz fans. The site was created by Natalie, who just so happens to love Aaron Downie and Thomas Holmstrum. I have been a Wingz fan since I was a wee little kid. My favorite player growing up? Yzermen, of course. I always had a soft spot for Ozgood, as well. We started this little corner of the world as a place to rant and say ridiculous shit about hockey and the Wingz. We believe Babcoc and Hollend to be brilliant and the Wingz to be the best run organization in hockey. In short, we've fully digested the Kool-Aid and 100% bleed Red and White. Our blog doesn't accomplish much. We write ridiculous shit in a small corner of the web. We're all about having fun over here.

We also like to think we know a little about hockey.

One thing we'll never claim to be, though--the go-to place for all Red Wings-related things. We will, however, care about what we're doing. We watch games and we talk about it here. We watch for absurd memes (the Wings are old or no one is critical of the Wings! OH NOES!!!) and dissect them. In short, we're just fans with an outlet. Oh, and we'll always spell Wings-related names right. Cause, come on, dedicated folks would at least look that shit up right? Cause, if not, you'd just look absurd (I'm sure you cringed as you read my intro paragraph. See what I did there?).

We'll also promise to never start our own podcast. Ever.

With all that being said - Welcome back to us. We missed you folks.

Some random thoughts on last nights pre-season game:

1. The part of pre-season that fascinates me most (other than just being super pumped that hockey is back) is the young player development. On that note...Brendan Smith could use a year in Grand Rapids, am I right? He showed some 'WOW' potential, but looked kind of lost at times.

2. It was great to see, even in a pre-season game vs. Chicago's B team (or, as you could also call it, their 2nd-5th lines and farm system), the Wings completely dominate play.

3. The 4th line of Emmerton, Mursak, and Owens was pretty damn good, wasn't it?

4. Random question - Is it absurd to say that Joey MacDonald looked better last night than last season's mail-in version of Ozzie? If, god forbid, Jimmy went down...Would you place last season's Ozzie in net or a Joey Mac that actually gives a shit? This coming from an Ozzie apologist (who is curious to see Oz tonight).

5. You could bring back a few players from the last time Chicago won a Cup (prior to last year).....and I'm sure they would be miles ahead of some of the turds who suited up last night.

6. Is it too early to call for Tomas Tatar as President of Space? That kid is something else and looked explosive as hell out there.

7. Jonathan Ericsson. Come on, buddy. You're better than that.

You'll have to take all my above thoughts and dial them back by like half, since it was only a pre-season game against Chicago's B team.

Some random thoughts in preparation for tonight's game:

1. Top-liner Jordan Owens...that should be cute.

2. I'm interested to see Bert on the ice tonight. Win me over, sir. With the moves the Wings made in the off-season, bringing in Modano, getting Hudler back, and re-signing EVERYBODY, Bert seems unnecessary. Yeah, I know, he's there and I have to deal with that. Some player I'd rather see will sit most of the season so I can enjoy the Todd Bertuzzi experience nightly. You know, that rollercoaster of occasional greatness, coupled with longer periods of invisibility and dumb penalties.

3. I'm placing the over/under of Aaron Downey game time tweets from Nat at 6. Welcome back, Aaron. You were missed.

4. Also excited for my first pre-season peeks at Kindl, Ozzie, McCollum, and Andersson.

In closing....Go Wings. We're happy you're all back.

30 August 2010


Figuring out how to start the first post I've written in nearly three months is the blogging equivalent of debating whether to wave to someone you kindasorta recognize because you know that you'll most likely have to do that thing where you pretend like you were batting at a bug or attempting to take flight and NOT, in fact, claiming you know a complete stranger.

I couldn't even think of an appropriate title, so I'm leaving it "Untitled," hoping especially that you'll think of distracting mancreases (How does it feeeeee-eeeeeel?) and decide that you're still in love with us after all this time.

So, uh, yeah, hello again, friends!

Brian and I sincerely hope everyone has had a bonerific summer. I decided it was probably time to get back into the swing of writing after three things occurred: (1) HBFF Neuie pointed out that her Starbucks will start selling pumpkin spice Frappuccinos TOMORROW, which means fall is right at our (back)doorstep. (2) Another Neuie-inspired joint: The phrase "at least [insert number] Scrappy Octopi" became a term coined for when something happens really infrequently or happened long ago, such as "Todd Bertuzzi has been forced to gum it out for at least four Scrappy Octopi." (3) Someone informed me that even Google had turned cynical:

First things first: Because there's nothing we dislike more than unresolved bidness, we have something to say to the small faction of Wings' fans who jumped ship and cheered on the Hawks during their Cup run: See that big X in the upper-right corner of your screen? Please click it. Note that there's a tag on here entitled "I fucking hate the Chicago Blackhawks" that's as old as the site itself. Rivalries exist for a reason, and I'll give you a hint: That reason isn't so that we can jump on the newest, glitteriest bandwagon that shows up once our team is down for the count, even if said bandwagon happens to include Patrick Sharp and Jonathan Toews, who are OMFGCOPTERSOCUTE.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here goes--we're gearing down and keying up for the 2010-11 season. A brief (as if we'd spend more than 30 seconds on a list? puh-leeze...) list of things we are excited for heading into this brand new season, in no particular order:

1. Aaron Downey's slated appearance at training camp. OK, so this statement clearly applies to only 1/2 of the TSO staff. But the news that he was extended an invitation is cause enough for celebration. Dance party, anyone?

2. The re-signing of Helmer and Abdelkader, hereafter referred to as more fuckyeah than you can shake a stick at.

3. Long-term blog BFFs Petrella, Discher, and Hollis have joined forces by forming a triumvirate of mythical proportions. This includes rolling The Production Line and the Red Wings podcast now known as The Production Hour into one uber-conglomerate of awesomeness.

4. Welcoming Marty Turco to the Central Division.

5. Watching the majority of the Wings' roster pop their Geritol and hobble onto the ice using their canes in an old-fashioned race to the top of the West. Be careful not to choke on your horehound lozenges, boys! (This is the time of year when we most remember why we try not to pay attention to MSM. Attention 2011 NHL Yearbook: Pointing out that Bert is "showing some wear and tear" is akin to pointing out that the sky is blue and Roger Sterling is a silver foxxx. Duh.)

With training camp and the preseason mere weeks away, what are y'all most excited for? What's lit your fire and keeping you awake at night? Is it pondering the future successes of our goaltenders? Is it imagining the number of times Doug Janik falls down? (Brian's fave.) Is it vigorously debating whether Ruslan Salei looks more or less like a Craigslist personals' enthusiast than Ville Leino?

Let's go, Wings.

04 June 2010

Summertime and the living's easy...

And by "summer," TSO clearly means the area between approximately March 15 and October 1, when output from us is marginal at best and shiteous at worst.

I take full responsibility for our ineptitude as of late: Thanks to various members of the Wings' family Twitterati (I'm looking at you, Baroque and Andy), a burgeoning sense of shame and colossal failure resides in my soul. In fact, to quote one Baroque, "Allegedly you have a blog. It's been staring out of cyberspace with sad neglected puppy eyes lately." Combine that with Andy's, "Yeah I seem to remember you used to have a blog that used to be my favourite.." Also worth noting are the various "You're alive?!" exclamations we receive when we roll out of our burrows and surface on Twitter--kinda like varmint.

Maybe this is what deadbeat parents feel when a judge throws the book at them for failure to care for those whom they have brought into the world.

On second thought, maybe this is reason #9,246,821 why I should never procreate.

And now, because we still aren't completely at terms with Wings-less hockey continuing in June, we present you the following:

TSO Summer Survival Guide

1. Naked dance around the maypole to celebrate the triumphant returns of Lidstrom and Homer, and in Homer's honor, a night bonfire, complete with singing odes of joy into the night wind.

2. Tune in to the remainder of the SCF and cheer wholeheartedly for anyone who does anything vile to anybody on Chicago's roster. A-ny-one. The tag "I fucking hate the Chicago Blackhawks" has existed on this site practically from the start, and it overshadows any other grain of relative hate we typically feel for Pronger and semi-hate for Carcillo.

3. Start a Facebook movement: "Ville for Conn Smythe." We're so proud of the fact that we supported him from day one.

4. After the SCF have concluded, pass our time in various ways, most notably attempting great feats we've never had the time nor the inclination to do before, such as picking up Finnegans Wake...

5. ...and promptly putting it back down after half a page.

6. Finding a new go-to hairstyle for humor's sake now that fecal loaf Patrick Kane has ruined the mullet for all of us. My suggestion? The pompadour. Because what's more amusing than a hairstyle worn by Elvis that kinda looks like an asscheek? I don't know the answer to that.

7. Further my foray into the quotidian by becoming more of a gardening boss than I already am, releasing my rage one clump of topsoil at a time. In related news, the other half of TSO will probably commence searching for a new significant other whose true-age is not 75, whereas yours truly will be looking into retirement as a snowbird. Anybody know of a great condo in Tampa?

8. Finally get to clean out that TSO spam folder, which means learning of the inheritance owed to TSO, from when TSO's older, scrappier cephalopod ancestors found sunken treasure. Also, ascertain if the guy who promises, "I will pay you for clicking your mouse" knows what he's in for. Oh, and get that TSO bank account in Dubai straighted out.

In all seriousness, thank you to every single person we've met, conversed with, celebrated with, had a beer with, and hung out with, be it in person or online. Hanging with y'all on Twitter, conversing with everybody on TSO and other blogs, not to mention the H2H experience--it's made this season truly unforgettable. It's one thing to be a fan of the greatest franchise in professional sports. It's another thing to be friends with the greatest fans in the world. Thanks for everything you've given us over the past season and have a great summer. I mean, we'll talk lots over the summer and everything...if when we emerge before October.

25 May 2010

TSO's 20 tips to Steve for great success as GM

So, Steve Yzerman is the new GM in Tampa.

As I witnessed a bit on Twitter today there was some, um, mixed reactions. It's a bit sad, sure, but I think in the end we're all in the same boat - it stinks to see him go, but we're happy. We support him. Best wishes, Stevie. We celebrate you.

Along the line of being supportive, we here at TSO would like to offer up Steve some tips on winning favor with the city of Tampa. As you may know, Tampa is a big time retirement city chocked full of retirees. So, Steve, here are TSO's tips to win the favor of Tampa fans and endear yourself to the fanbase (items with an '*' are courtesy of Nat):

1. Make the stadium smell like mothballs.

2. Opening night puck drop done by Matlock.

3. Opening night national anthem courtesy of Angela Lansbury*.

4. All games start at 8 p.m. to accommodate Wheel of Fortune and the early bird special at Denny's.*

5. More specialized team logo merchandise. More specifically, team logo catheters and Hoverounds! (Catheters given away at Fan Appreciation Night.)

6. Move all team-sanctioned activities to local American Legion*

7. Tweak the Toast of Hockeytown concept to "Bingo with the Bolts!"*

8. Make the stadium more accessible to fans by somehow making sure people don't have to walk 15 miles to the stadium. Barefoot. In the snow. Uphill both ways.

9. Christmas charity donations to needy tots involve bundles of Susan B. Anthony dollars and horehound lozenges*

10. New specials in the concession stand involve tapioca, Geritol, and free Polident samples*

11. Intermission entertainment will be live feed of Larry King

12. Ice Girls in old school throwback poodle skirts*

13. Season ticket purchase now includes complimentary burial plot and team logo-embossed casket (logo headstone extra)*

14. Offer free clinics in name pronounciation so they can not refer to Russian players as "Reds" or "them commie bastards"

15. Revamp 3rd jersey to be old school actual sweaters, crocheted by the Red Hat Society*

16. Charity food drives will now accept only self-canned food

17. Give octogenarian Lightning fans a renewed sense of purpose and self-worth by bringing in Chris Chelios to be Steve's right hand man*

18. Rig the Jumbotron to include the Weatherbug application because you need to be aware of post game weather. You know, so you can know whether to ride your Rascal with the top down or not*

19. Onsite orthopedic hip surgeon. This speaks for itself.

20. Turn down that damn music, you hippie sound guy!

So, there you have it. We know Steve knows hockey, so hopefully these tips can provide him some direction in the things he may not know as much about.

Best of luck, Steve!

06 May 2010

Let's make sure this is adequately bloated.

I'm pretty sure somewhere Dany Heatly just demanded a trade.

So the Wings have staved off elimination for another day, winning tonight fuck you-1. A statement game that San Jose didn't seem to care about. And why should they? They are up 3-1. The Wings have to win three in a row, an extremely tough task against this San Jose team. Who knows if they can pull it off, but it was nice to watch the effort tonight. It's good when you can see your team move up and down the ice with ease and know that they can pretty much do whatever they want on the ice. We've not seen that Wings team often enough through the playoffs; I'm glad it happened tonight.

Since we've received some feedback stating this site doesn't provide much in the way of game analysis (and we at the Scrappy Octopus take all complaints seriously), allow us to provide our take on the game:

The Sharks shit the bed. Oh, and Joe Thornton acted a fool. Great leadership, guy.

So there you have it. It's simple when you break it down scientifically. Now, the Wings still have a huge hole to climb out of. It's going to be hard. McLellan is an amazing coach. Marleau, Thornton, Pavelski, Blake...it's a talented group. All the right role players. It's going to be a tough road. Tonight, however, the Wings started the first step in that process - they won tonight.

Three more guys. Oh, and Nat wanted me to quote her on something: "Abdelkader's fight was very Downey-like". Her words, not mine (though I feel her on that one). I'm pretty sure if Abby's right would've connected, it would've killed a guy.

Go Wings. Let's get this done.

05 May 2010

"I don't want to talk about it."

So said Homer in his FSD interview during the first intermission, specifically in reference to the garbage goal we coughed up to San Jose in, literally, the last seconds of the first period, after playing a commandingly strong game at both ends of the ice.

And that's how I've felt during this entire series.

Because how can we really talk about it?

Take yesterday's game. Yeah, we killed off all six penalties, had a chance at a penalty shot, scored four goals (one of which was overturned), all of which were scored by our typical postseason rockstars, and managed to show up in the faceoff circle. So, what the fuck happened?

Various people during my workday ask me how the Wings are doing during playoff runs. Smart move by them, as it's really all I'm capable of discussing during the spring months. My new-ish coworker is a complete and total sweetheart (yeah, yeah, my polar opposite--the joke pretty much makes itself); she has absolutely no interest in hockey, but she always makes a point to ask me how the games go.

In order to express my angst, I've sketched a little interpretive ditty of each conversation thus far following each game in Round 2:

And then...

And, in anticipation of talking to her tomorrow:

And yeah, for those of you who don't already Facebookstalk me, I am actually a purple troll with unkempt pencil hair.

I have no words to describe adequately and completely how I'm feeling right now. Angry? Of course. Frustrated? You bet. Nervous? Sure.

Despite the Wings' lack of cohesive play at various times throughout the season, I was in no way, shape or form mentally prepared to watch them give up the goals they gave up last night. I'm further in no way, shape or form prepared to deal with being down 3-0 in the series against a team that I've lambasted as a disappearing act the likes of which are incomparable unless Marian Hossa's present. It's such a scary set of numbers, isn't it? What does this even feel like? How is it that the Sharks have capitalized on every single instance of the proverbial "letting our feet off the gas" in this series? This is the composition of TSO's current existential funk.

It's amazing how far a 3-0 series deficit and a white-hot team like the Sharks can foster hatred in the heart of someone who already hates plenty as it is. Do I have any real reason to hate San Jose? Not especially. There's no equivalent of cockface extraordinaires Matt Cooke or Georges Laraque or Chris Pronger on the team to whom I can easily point and jeer, "Yeah, look at all those assholes at the HP Pavilion, cheering for that motherfucking prick." Speaking of the HP Pavilion, it's amazing how much the denizens of Silicon Valley show up for that team. Aside from the superlame shark jaw motion they do to rile up the team (because what's more invigorating than seeing someone munch his/her entire arms in your general vicinity? A whole bunch of nothing, that's what.) and the superlamer Styx-esque sound effects they play after announcing the names of goal-scorers, I have to tip my hat to a city that gets behind its team. Furthermore, the team as a whole has refused to get shaken up, even when down 3-1 for much of yesterday's game. And for fuck's sake, the laser-haired Todd McLellan is a former Babcockian acolyte. There's so much NOT to hate about this team...

...but I do, anyway, for the time being. Sorry if you disagree, kids, but perhaps you're stronger people than I. Right now, there's little more I hate than San Jose. Major-league genocide? Yeah, that's probably worse than the Sharks. People who cram their religious views down other people's throats? Yeah, they suck at life a tad bit more, as well. Uninvited rimjobs? Welllllll...that might be pushing it.

For crunch time during the last series, I put on my Pollyanna hat and professed my staying in my proverbial seat until the final seconds of Game 7. Obviously, the same is true for all of us in this situation, except instead of knowing that our team's fate will be determined in 60 +/- minutes from the first puck drop, in our only good-case scenario, we have four sets of 60 +/- minutes to endure. For residents of Hockeytown at Large, it means an awful lot of nail-biting, whiskey-guzzling, nipple-clamping, tears, and cheers until time runs out in Game 7. Hopefully, there are more cheers than tears.

P.S. One final thought on last night's game: I would have bet Patrick Marleau's eyebrows against him scoring the game-winning goal last night. One of the fine details that chaps my ass the most about this series is the fact that Marleau and Thornton have each scored game-winners against us after being mostly invisible for the duration of the postseason. Fuck me sideways.

28 April 2010

I cannot write intelligently about this right now

Round one - Fin.

Up next, San Jose. Sirs, you don't want this. You really don't, I promise. A Red Wings team playing like they did tonight....You don't want that. You really want to play Pavel Datsyuk when he's in "Fuck you, I'm Pavel Datsyuk" mode? You want playoff Hank? You want '70 Goals' Heatly trying to break Jimmy? You want to deal with a slightly competent Todd Bertuzzi?

The answer to all those questions, of course, if no. The Sharks can't like this tonight.

Wings nation gets to go to bed happy tonight. A great game in every way. Max effort from, oh, everyone. Even the worst players for us on the ice tonight were only above average instead of 'I just jizzed in my pants' amazing. Bryzgalov was great tonight in facing 50 shots and it wasnt nearly enough.

Fuck yes. Go Wings! I can't even begin to write something intelligible about this game yet. Thursday can't get here soon enough.

27 April 2010

Game Sev--Can I actually type the rest?

Last night I had the weirdest dream: I was the co-proprietor of a Red Wings blog, only I hadn't written a thing for it in nearly two weeks. I awoke in a cold sweat, my heart racing, my hair matted to my face, and I began forlornly crying out to the night winds.

Somewhere, I like to imagine, mine and Homer's night howls crossed paths.

This is what happens when your life--specifically, all the things that serve as buzzkills to your life--plants itself in the way of your more awesome pastimes.

And here we are, friends, at an all-or-nothing crossroads: the brink of the detested Game 7. How did we get to this point? More to the point, how is it that the Wings--a team barreling through the home stretch of the regular season like a pubescent boy with a fuck pass to the girls' locker room--have managed to find themselves pushed to the brink by a team that, for all its grit and grind and gusto, has not been insolvable for the Wings when the Wings pack their A-game?

In short, I have no fucking idea.

I watched the games just like the rest of you. I saw the Wings lose Game 1 in a close rout. I cheered during Game 2 when Hank sent curly fries and wet dreams to all from the high desert. I watched the Wings play a lackluster game last Sunday and again come up short, only to tie up the series once more with Jimmy's first career playoff shutout in Game 4. And on Friday, my drunk ass celebrated the Wings taking the lead in the series for the first time yet with grab-assing and drowning my hoorays in Jameson.

And then Game 6 happened. The Wings had a chance to close out the series at home. And they didn't. With a few short exceptions, there was little to no sustained pressure or coherence in the Wings' play, short of the first few minutes of the first period.

The few short exceptions:

1. Pavel Datsyuk, the ultimate playmaker, was responsible for the Wings' first goal due to his amazing vision on the ice. Fucking spectacular.

2. Henrik Zetterberg had one decent chance when he battled along the boards behind the net and plowed to the front with the puck.

3. Patrick Eaves played briefly like he remembered how awesome he was during the regular season for a couple of shifts during the Wings' various penalty kills during the second period.

4. Justin Abdelkader has played this entire series like a kid who belongs in the big house, and for that, we love him all the more than we already did.

But all in all, it wasn't enough. We can easily pick out goats from Sunday's game: Brad Stuart, despite scoring on the beautiful pass from Datsyuk, committed irreversible mistakes. Furthermore, I believe I caught Johan Franzen's face on a milk carton recently. And our penalty kill on Sunday? About as successful as karmic justice laying the proverbial smackdown on Marian Hossa. And didn't you just fucking know that the streak would be broken as soon as NBC flashed the graphic at the bottom stating we'd killed 19 consecutive penalties in the series?

So, what do we do now to bide our time until go-time tonight? This is the point in the post where I typically lighten the tone with a mindless video or a list of facetious tenets about our experience as Wings fans. But it just doesn't feel right.

I know I'm far from alone when I say that I'm not ready for a Game 7. I'm especially not ready for a first-round Game 7 in a series in which we've watched our team alternately play balls to the wall, then like a bag of ass. I lay awake until almost 3 a.m. last night, the nauseated knot in my stomach growing from a tangerine to a pomelo. (Impressed? Don't be. I don't know what the fuck that even means.)

The boys at The Triple Deke made one of the most honest and succinct points about the way many of us (my hand's raised here, too) initially react with our team's backs against the wall:
Go back and read some interviews or watch some video on some of these guys' reactions to getting knocked out of the playoffs and tell me it was because of "heart." Did Stuart fuck away a turnover because he doesn't care, or because of bad decision making? I think I'll take the latter....All too often I'm seeing trash comments that those same people dog on other team's bandwagon fans for, and it's embarrassing. I can be as pessimistic as the next guy, but dammit I don't act like I'm better than the fucking team.
Reading that post was the verbal equivalent of taking a deep breath/Quaalude/choose your own panacea. I tend to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario in order not to be disappointed--or wrong--in the face of said worst-case scenario. But after reading TTD's calling-out of babycrying, I had to ask myself: If we give up believing in our team before Game 7 even begins, what does that say about our fandom? Tonight, we'll gather our lucky charms (in this case, I'm pulling out the #19) and gear down for a great night of hockey. I refuse to leave my seat and exit the (proverbial) arena until the clock has run out, whatever the result may be. Otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

Let's go, Wings.

20 April 2010

Finally, a complete game

Tonights game was an actual playoff like effort for the Wings, so that was nice to see. You're not going to get a great deal of insight tonight, as it was a pretty stellar effort by everyone involved. Helm flew around and played like playoff Helm does. Zetterberg played like playoff Hank. Pav had more shoot. Jimmy looked great. Kronwall didn't drink before the game and looked good (prior to the game, I thought the best we could hope for was "not a total abortion", as he's been for the rest of the series; which sucks to say because I love Kronner). The biggest disappointment was that Drew Miller did not pound the shit out of Vernon Fiddler when he had the chance. So instead of intense post game recap action, I will give you a run down of the ridiculous shit Natalie and I do during the game:

1. Watched Jeopardy during the first intermission. I ran the MLB category; she outsmarted me in everything else (as per usual).

2. We also tuned into a bit of the Ottawa/Pittsburgh tilt; as we had a vauge interest in that series for reasons only we comprehend. Anyway, Alfredsson pots a beautiful one timer goal where a super acrobatic Fluery ALMOST made the save. My comment:

"You know who also would NOT have made that save? Regular season "I don't grasp lateral movement" Ozzie"

A good time was had by all.

3. We got irationally mad at Mickey for babbling on like a drunkard about the Filpula non-goal. Natalie was especially impressed with the crowd chanting "bullshit" though; as we're both big fans of rythmic swearing.

4. I've now taken to yelling "DOUGHY!!!!!" everytime Jimmy makes a save; or even chanting it when he's on a roll. Thanks for the image guys from The Triple Deke and Serven. But seriously, wow. Whatever works. I love Jimmy. Its nice to have a goaltended you KNOW can steal a big game when you need him to. Jimmy is intense, he loves what he does, loves Detroit.....my next jersey? Probably Jimmy. I really do love the kid. So yelling "DOUGHY!!!!!" I mean in a totally endearing way. Just wanted to get that heard before the jury.

A great, great game tonight Wings. Congratulations on your shutout Jimmy. Lets all do this again Friday.

15 April 2010

Its the god damn playoffs....

....play like it. Not fucking good enough tonight sirs.

This was, however, the perfect cap for an unadulterated dumpster fire of an afternoon. So thanks Wings for putting forth little effort after period number one. Thanks for making the Phoenix power play look like the 80's style Oilers.

But seriously - not good enough. By most everyone (everyone not named Nick, Hank, Pav, or Homer). Biggest slack ass of the night award:

Johan Franzen

Seriously guy, I love you, but I think you set our ginger movement back about 50 years tonight (I began to wonder if gingers in fact do NOT have souls). You could not have possibly played like any bigger of a wuss tonight. Crash the net you bullish mule fuck. YOUR GOOD AT THAT.

Too much to talk about here. I'm sure Nat will put forth something more intelligible tomorrow.

13 April 2010

Stop! It's the mothafuckin playoffs.


Holy fuck.

It's finally here. All those months of agony and ecstasy, pleasure and pain, boners and buzzkills--and now we get to do it all over again.

It's a great day to be a hockey fan.

More specifically, it's a great day to be a Red Wings fan. My favorite Red Wings hat is perched atop my desk for all to see. (I triple-dog-dare a horrible Pens' fan to stroll in here and say a word--one. fucking. word.) Jerseys will be worn on casual sex Fridays. Red will be worn on every other game day during the workweek. Brian will be holding down the Winged Wheel in Atlantic City this Friday, sporting his jersey and always-awesome red stubbly pre-beard.

We're pulling out the big guns for the postseason, and we hope you'll join us. That's right: Get out your talismans, voodoo dolls, nipple-clamps and electro-powered boxsprings and come along for the ride.

First things first: Following the Olympic break, we instituted a creed here to get us in the zone for the final stretch of the regular season. Now, with a few tweaks and additions, we present you the following:

The Even More Newly Minted TSO Creed: Uber-Special Playoff Edition

1. We believe in the power of the 19th consecutive year the Wings have made the playoffs.

2. We believe Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Johan Franzen, Valtteri Filppula, and Tomas Holmstrom are on a white-hot roll and are just warming up, for sure.

3. We believe in the power of Jimmy Howard, rookie extraordinaire, to stop pucks with his aura. (Do the pucks even touch him?!)

4. We believe it's now Dan Cleary's lot in life to make Brian James look like a complete jackass. (It's working!)

5. We still believe in Mike Babcock. Period.

6. We believe in the unmatched awesomeness of our blueline, as well as our forwards who own both ends of the ice. (If someone's reading this who doesn't believe in that, I will fucking KRONWALL your ass.)

7. We believe in Patrick Eaves notching a Gordie Howe hat trick at some point during the Wings' playoff run. (And, since shootouts are a no-go, there will be no #Eavesing of oneself, only of others, which is not only tolerated but wholeheartedly encouraged.)

8. We still believe in the kill.

9. We will always believe in dancing with Lord Stanley in June. Period.

Game 1 versus the Phoenix Coyotes is tonight. Moments like right now are when I most wish I had a DeLorean. Why? So I could travel back to nine months ago, before I knew that the Coyotes would even stay in Phoenix, let alone make the playoffs, and place some huge bets. It's as surprising as my realization last weekend, approximately 20 years late, that I rock at batting left-handed. (Don't laugh. I had a painful childhood. My therapist tells me it's ok to say that in the face of adversity.)

The playoffs are such a magical time of the year. In addition to watching the Wings do their thing, there are so many other fascinating matchups to track. Home crowds ablaze in team colors, players trash-talking the opposition. Lots of #FuckYeah to go around. That brings me to our Wednesday question this week:

Which non-Wings quarterfinal pairing (either Conference) most interests/excites/titillates you?

I'm sure that Brian's answer will be Pittsburgh/Ottawa because of how much he loooves Ottawa. [Insert eye roll, for the sarcastically-challenged.]

Other than the Wings, I'm most looking forward to watching the Chicago/Nashville series. Division rivals who both play exciting, tight hockey; however, both teams still have their textbook "What ifs?" hanging over their heads. Will the Hawks' offensive power be too much for the Preds? Or will Rinne stand tall and give Chicago a run for their money? The Preds are one of those teams that come on strong against tough opponents and scare the shit outta me every time the Wings play them. That being said, you know whose side we'll be on. (Sorry, K of C.)

What say the rest of you? Who are you looking forward to watching?

Finally, per the usual, some standbys to get us really, really pumped:

07 April 2010

The one where Dan Cleary gives a big "fuck you, jackass!" to me

So i'm officially convinced Dan Cleary reads this blog. In my last post, I made some.....radical claims about one Mr. Dan Cleary. Specifically, I stated over the past few games, he had been outplayed at forward by Derek Meech. It was an admittedly poorly fleshed out point, as I don't feel I conveyed a key point - I don't hate Dan Cleary. I dig the things he does. He's a grinder, and he has alot of heart. He plays hurt and does the dirty work. I stick by the core of my thought that over a period of, oh, two games, Meech outplayed him. Cleary hasn't had a great season at all....

That havinbg been said - I am left with no choice but to think that he reads this, and I made him angry, therefore he set out on a quest to make me look like a complete jackass. And he's succeeded. And I couldn't be happier.

Since I wrote the blasphemous words about Dan, he's been on a serious heater. He at times looked like he was shot out of a cannon during the Philly game, and he scored a good goal tonight. He's looked great. So Dan, if you read this - I apologize. I shouldn't have doubted you. And to Wings fans - you're welcome. I take all responsibility for him playing well. I'm not saying its all me, but yes, I made this happen. ME. Or maybe Cleary is just good. Whatever.

Thoughts on tonights game:

1. Don't you feel for Steve Mason and Rick Nash? I mean, Mason has found his game again. Nash plays a good game. All of it wasted in Columbus. Demand a trade or something guys. Columbus is a shit hole anyway.

2. I think Nat may have shit herself just a bit when Eaves got in a fight. A pretty bad ass moment if you ask me. We need someone like that.

3. So i'm sure some of you are in the same boat as we are between periods - We sometimes skip the intermission show. I feel like Mickey York is yelling at me, nothing exciting normally happens.....so we watch something else during intermission. I'm ninja like stealthy with the remote too; always back in time for the start of the next period. Anyway, tonight I switched over to the History Channel (or something like it) and they had a show called "Life After People". I had seen the special before, but not the actual series. Tonights episode - what happens to bodies after everyones dead? Interesting topic. So I tuned in....and it was NOTHING like the description. Old dudes talking about eating 10,000 year old mastodon meat. Apparently in the 30's they found some at one of the poles. And they ate it. Surprisingly, they said it didn't taste good. I can't imagine why. At the time, it was insanely bizarre that this actually happened....

4. I could be a total crazy person, but I swear I saw TPL Mom when they showed a late view of the crown. Can anyone confirm this? I'm probably crazy.

5. An up and down effort tonight, but Flip, Hank, Z, Homer, and Mule all had great nights. Our best players are playing like it....look out world. As Drew has stated very well at NOHS - I find it hard to believe anyone wants to face the Wings in the first round. You'd be crazy to want that.

6. Underrated athletic feat - The Bell Tire mascot tire thing, in the new Belle Tire commercial....he has some mad ups. You know, at the end, when he hops from the floor to the stack of tires. In proportion to the size of the mascot, thats high up for him, and he leaps up WITH ROOM TO SPARE. Maybe the New Jersey Nets should give that kid a tryout....

7. Murph seems especially drunk tonight. I love Murph, he's a great announcer, and he seems like a nice guy.....but watching him slur over "assertive" and "solvent" tonight - wow.

8. The playoffs are oh so close. I, for one, can't wait. Go Wings. Oh, and a parting video, because I can (and its hilarious to me; for the first minute or so anyway):

06 April 2010

Holy shit, Homer!

Per Khan (and an extra-special high-five to saraneuie for the link), TSO's most favorite, Tomas Holmstrom, is the Wings' nominee for the Masterton Trophy, which is officially the League's award for most "sportsmanship, leadership and perseverance", or, as we like to say around these parts, being the biggest fucking boss that we've seen thus far.

Homer, man of so many poetic words, summarized his elation at learning of his nomination thusly:
"Oh, I'm honored,'' Holmstrom said.
This isn't your first trip to town. You know exactly how TSO feels about Homer. We jumped up and down for joy when Homer scored career goal #200 in December. We made him a get-well card and promised to pour out some MD 20/20 upon learning of his injury. I changed all the fucking pictures on this site to Homer's while he was sidelined. I got arrested but never indicted for that time I got stuck in Homer's cul-de-sac in the middle of the night with a flashlight, a crowbar, and a Jultomten costume. Bottom line: Homer rocks our socks.

With that in mind, I present you the following:

TSO's Open Letter to the Powers-That-Be Behind the Scenes

To Whom It May Concern:

It has recently been brought to the attention of The Scrappy Octopus that the scrappiest motherfucker ever, Tomas Holmstrom, is eligible to be named as a finalist for the Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy.

We understand that in order to keep up appearances, you still have to announce three finalists--you know, in an effort to coddle egos and create a pseudo-element of surprise. We fully expect that come June, the award will be Homer's.

In the interim, please ponder the following reasons why TSO believes it is in your best interests to hand the award over to #96:

1. First, the obvious: the location of Homer's office. Do you know what it's like to go to work every day in the absolute direst of environments? Probably not. Your office is most likely located in a cushy canopy of daffodils and rainbows. Imagine going to work every day on a train ride to hell with fire-roasted seats and the sound of Rosie O'Donnell's laughter playing on a continuous loop on the loudspeaker, forcing you to pray for the train to reach its destination, only when the train opens its doors, you find this waiting for you:

And sometimes, you get this instead:

And on really shitty days, you might come across this:

Yeah. Them apples fucking suck ass, don't they?

2. Homer's primary task is to plant his derriere in the faces of opposing goaltenders in the hopes of screening them from seeing shots or positioning himself for a quick deflection into the back of the net. To put this into perspective, imagine giving a grinding lapdance to this guy:

Kinda looks like the type who may or may not get a boner from the delightful combination of solitude, strychnine, and scrotum surface area.

3. Homer started off this year in a blaze of glory. Remember that time, not so far in the distant past, when he led the team in goals? For Christ's sake, he notched an assist on each of the three Wings' goals scored in the outing against Nashville this past Saturday. He has arguably been the most consistent player in terms of production on the team during this rollercoaster-shitfest of a year, despite being sidelined on two separate occasions due to injuries.

4. Homer's always doing work. Always. He works his ass off along the boards. He is one of the least polished skaters on the team, but how many games do we all watch him lumbering down the ice at Homer-mach-five to attempt to negate an untimely icing call or to outwrangle some asshole for control of the puck? The correct answer is every fucking game. If that's not perseverance, then fuck me sideways.

The bottom line is that in terms of surpassing expectations and in maintaining his work ethic and production in spite of adversarial circumstances this season, Homer's done it all. Somewhere deep down, you've gotta believe that his determination served as an inspiration to his teammates along the way, particularly as the Wings struggled with so many injuries this season.

So, in short, give him the fucking trophy. You don't really want to deal with a pair of scrappy octopi in Jultomten costumes at your door, do you?

We trust that you'll make the appropriate decision.

Very respectfully yours, for sure,
The Scrappy Octopus

01 April 2010


A little Jay and Silent Bob shout out in the title. Your welcome. Grant Clitsome. I'm sorry, but at every age, that name should be funny. Maybe I just never grew up; and i'm ok with that.

So about tonight's game:

1. Jimmy! Other than his, um, errant pass, leading to the first goal, our boy Jimmy was great tonight. At tons of points, this kid saved our fuckin' bacon. Haven't we sort of become accustomed to this?

2. Why did Jimmy have to save our bacon? Beacuse of sloppy play early. Periods of the game were dominated by the Wings at both ends of the ice, however, several horrible sloppy turnovers and general shite led to several good chances. Thank god it was Columbus and not someone, you know, good.

3. JIMMY!!!

4. Man, Steve Mason got the shit knocked out of him several times didn't he? Good game by him. Thank god for us he plays for Columbus. Other than Mike "rollin' in dough" Commodore, I dare you to name two other defensemen for this team.

5. Bert's "Goal" - that wasn't actually a goal right? Thoughts from everyone on this one? To me - not a goal. I'm with Murph on that one. Odd that i'm siding with the drunk guy. Did you see Bert talking to Murph during the video review? I'm dying to know what thats about. What would they talk about? Did Bert compliment Murph's sweet tie tonight? Was it a mini-intervention for Murph? Were they discussing Bert's lack of teeth? My curiousity gets the best of me.

6. When is Jimmy getting a rest? Since he had the Olympic break off, does he even need a rest? TSO PREDICTION - Sunday vs Philly, we see the return of Oz.

7. When Val got ran into the boards late in the game.....wern't you a little disappointed no one went after Methot? What the fuck is a Methot anyway? I mean, it was kind of a maybe bordering on shitty hit. This would never be allowed to happen if Todd Bertuzzi were still alive.

8. Every line is clicking right now. Isn't that a great feeling? The top two lines? Amazing. Bottom two? Doing what they do well. Which leads me to....

9. CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT ALERT! I'd REALLY like some of our hockey playing readers opinion on this. I know your out there. I've never been the biggest fan of Dan Cleary. Nice guy, generally a pretty hard worker. A grinder. He does the dirty work. I get his value. To me, the things he does, I think others do them better. Doesn't make him a bad guy, he just is what he is. To me, thats a third or fourth liner; and by that I mean fourth liner. But he's generally rocking on the second line. I hope when he comes back Babs doesn't break up that current line. Anyway, to the controversial statement......

Hasn't Meech looked better at forward these past few games than Cleary was before he got hurt?

Just my observation. Meech is very serviceable at forward, which makes you wonder why he just doesn't convert. Anyway, to me, he's played better of late. He takes care of the puck, has some speed and a shot. He grinds in corners and hits. Maybe he isnt quite as strong, but to me, things are humming with him there in a way that they may not necessarily when Cleary's there skating into the zone, peeling off to the wing, and turning the puck over. I dunno. Its one guys take. Thoughts from the hockey playing contingent out there? I know Cleary would NEVER sit in lieu of Meech when he comes back, and maybe thats correct. I just know what i've thought over the past few games.....

Overall, not a lot to complain about. The Wings pain train keeps on a truckin. #fuckyeah!

31 March 2010

Doing the Grownup.

Wow, this is the first Wednesday that's come along where we haven't been completely inebriated (see: St. Patrick's Day) or completely limp-dick useless (see: H2H week).

So, here it is, Wednesday, and we actually have two questions for you today. First things first:

Which former Red Wing would you give a solid 5 years off your life to return to the team?

Without a doubt, I choose Aaron Fucking Downey.

Ever since I started this site, I wanted to do a tribute to Downey, and after bonding with Chris from NOHS at H2H about our mutual love for the guy, I decided now's as good a time as any to do it.

Downey is one of the most ridiculously entertaining fighters ever. Look at the way he just straight up wails on his opponents. I dare you to start watching clips of his fights and be able to turn away any time within the next two hours. In fact, I'm only posting two of them here:

Also, he is obviously the best ever at conversating for a few:

Finally, did we mention he's a phenomenal dancer?

I miss Aaron's scrapiness on the team; he was one of those old-school players who stand up for their teammates when they're victims of questionable hits. Can you imagine what he would have done to Laraque that time that bastard took out Kronner? And, you know, he actually won fights, even ones that weren't premeditated. (I'm looking at you, Brad May.) I was devastated when the Wings didn't resign him. I'm always looking forward to the day when he comes back. I know, I, for one, will gladly pitch in $10/day to make this happen.

And now, to commemorate the very real fire that burns in my heart for Downey (seriously, Aaron, if you're reading this, hit us up at TheScrappyOctopus@gmail.com to discuss dancing with some real pros), here's a long-distance dedication:


I'm of one mind about this game:

Two points is nice.

Doesn't matter the way they came tonight. All told, a great performance from the boys tonight. They played hard for MOST of the game, which is better than earlier in the season when it was only like a period they showed up for, or worse, the whole game. What is it that makes the Oilers get geared up for the Wings? Do they do meth and eat babies to get jacked up? I'm picturing Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers putting on his mask and head-butting Devan Dubnyk until he's unconscious. Maybe some metal playing in the background. I don't know. Fuck if I understand this Oilers team. (Quick sidebar - I'm going to try my hardest to boost the swear/ridiculous count for this post today due to the Twitter controversy. wish me luck!)

So anyway, back to tonight's game:

1. Am I the only one out there who doesn't have much to complain about tonight's game? Defense looked good, save for the brief collapse, great. Sure, that won't win playoff games, but with the streak they've been on, aren't you entitled to one lapse here and there?

2. Jimmy looked....human tonight. And that's ok, too, as he's carried this team of grown-ass men most of the season. Maybe he gets a rest soon? Maybe we see Ozzie in one of the weekend games? Or maybe one of Jimmy's limbs fly off due to exhaustion. I have no idea. Babcock is the smart one.

3. One of the stories on ESPN's NHL page - "Wings blow four goal lead", with no mention of the fact that they actually won the game. That's curious.

4. Jeff Deslauriers doesn't look like a bad goalie. I wonder what he'd be like on a good team? Of course, his Air Jordan impression on the 4th goal....ewwww.

5. And since I have nothing else to add for tonight's game, a brief touch on today's Twitter #fuckyeahH2H controversy.......

My advice to anyone in life about anything - Know what you like, and if you don't like something, you're not required to read it. If I decide to use the term I just invented, fuckshitasswipehole, in a sentence, I do so knowing it might not be for everyone. Those who aren't cool with that.....awesome! Maybe this isn't for you, and that's ok. If you asked me, I'd probably not recommend you read anything I write or even listen to me in a conversation. Ever. All these things are ok. The problem, however, comes when someone tries to suggest that H2H doesn't mean anything or in some way is now irrevocably ruined forever due to the fact that someone used the tag #H2Hfuckyeah, or whatever the hell started it. ZOMFG I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE EVER DARED TO SWEAR! OH SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE MY EYES/EARS/DELICATE SENSIBILITIES FROM THINGS I'M NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED TO READ. THIS WILL VIOLATE EVERY CHARITABLE ACT THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

Even thinking about it in retrospect is slightly absurd to me. And maybe it wasn't even a huge deal, and MAYBE I'm even trying to pad this post as I'm too tired to write a recap that's worth a shit. But sometimes, stuff is ridiculous and needs to be mentioned as such.

That having been said: Wings, don't give your fans heart failure like you did tonight. The hot streak is still alive!

30 March 2010

...The Kind You Clean Up With a Mop & Bucket

So, in light of today's Twitter feeding frenzy about the merits of dropping hard F's and whatnot onto the internets (man, what a fucking buzzkill), TSO has decided to renovate the site. Sorry if you kids turn into a bunch of sad pandas, but no more visions of glued-up dickholes, no more references of fuckwads/assfucks/sumbitches/SNBs/taint problems, no more gratuitous hyperlinks to TPL and all their jailsexing, and definitely no more shitting the bed--anyone's bed. They say that every good time comes to an end, so here it is.

To give you a little sneak peek into what the new and improved (and squeaky clean!) TSO looks like, I present you the following hypothetical game recap of the Nashville experience on Saturday:

Title: Holy Christopher and Gee-Willikers, That One Sure Was Close!

Some of the #H2H (#fudgeyeah) kids gathered at the Town _____, a non-offensive place for adults where I had a couple of Shirley Temples to watch the Red Wings take on the Predators. It was a completely nonthreatening environment in which the harshest thing said was "Someone is about to go #Eaves himself," which I think is just a silly term meant to mean somebody is about to grow a really sweet set of eyebrows.

Anyway, the first 60 +/- minutes of the game were pretty _____ lame. I think I heard Serven exclaim something about how games like that are just so motherhubbarding flusterating because you never know what to expect! LOLZ!

The overtime and shootout were pretty _____ nerve-wracking! I just wanted to tell _____ Rinne to go to h-e-double hockey sticks. During the first few rounds of the shootout, Datsyuk was a _____ . Williams was a _____ . Zetterberg was a _____. Finally, Bert scored because he's a total _____, but the Preds answered with their goal. When Kronwall finally scored the game-winning shootout goal, I felt like taking off my _____ and _____ it up with my _____.

Oh, _____ on a _____ . It's no _____ use, is it, _____ers? A Scrappy Octopus without swearing is just like a _____ _____ without a _____ to _____on. In fact, this is the first time in my entire _____ life I can say I know what _____up _____hole must feel like. Without the ability to _____ up a _____ , I really feel like some mother_____ er took my _____ _____, _____ ly ripped it out of its _____ place, and _____slapped it to _____oblivion. A _____ hockey fan without the _____ ability to say _____, _____hole, _____er, _____happy, _____-me-sideways is like a _____ _____ around a bunch of _____ hot _____tutes at the _____ kegger of the year. _____ useless, man.

_____ a bunch of that _____ing _____.

And now, please skip ahead to 0:42, _____ers:

29 March 2010

H2H: 2 Legit 2 Quit

How many ways can one summarize the weekend at large? Awesome, excellent, fantabulous, gnarly, amazeballs, bombass, #FUCKYEAH.

The Scrappy Octopi are back in wild, wonderful West Virginia, where it's warm enough to wear the dress I had foolishly packed to Detroit (with rainboots, no less--if you didn't get a chance to realize how cool I am over the weekend, now you know), and we are missing the living hell out of Michigan and all you fabulous people.

Our thoughts on the weekend as a whole:

--Seeing Herm get to experience all of the fabulous things the H2H crew had planned for him was an indescribably fantastic experience. I can't imagine the high you're feeling, Herm. We didn't get to meet him until the pregame party on Friday, but we did get a glimpse of him while we were entering Old Shillelagh late on Thursday night. He was leaving, and we didn't quite realize it was him until we stopped the The Triple Deke boys, whom we vaguely recognized from all the internet stalkings we perform on the daily. Anyway, seeing Herm that first time, in passing, was that feeling I always imagined myself having as a 12-year-old standing on a rope line to meet A.J. from the Backstreet Boys. Fucking awesome, man. (Alternately, it could be how Brian would feel at any given point in time upon meeting Gerard Butler. Yuuuuum!)

--The H2H "War Room" deserves all the accolades they've been receiving all over the place, and then some: Jen, Hollis, Serven, Petrella, and Ellen all worked their asses off to ensure that Herm--and all of us--had the time of our lives and to get those moneys for the Children's DMC. Many thanks all around to everybody instrumental in the nuts (giggle) and bolts of the H2H operation.

--Everything you've ever read about Dena and I being soulmates? Absolutely, positively true. Times a bajillion. The reason Kronner scored the game-winning shootout goal on Saturday? He felt the power of her Swedish flag underwear burning through the airwaves. For the record, we were never even properly introduced; Petrella simply brought her over to where I was at the H2H pregame and she did the universal signal for Hey-You-Soulmate-Person, and I instantly fell in love.

--Sara/saraneuie and Amanda/Nurse Nitz are two of the most kickass fans--and kickass people--ever. TSO feels complete after seeing the ladies' "More Shoot" and "Dangle Dangle" homemade T-shirts in person. For the record, Sara's birthday was yesterday, so if anybody missed out on it, you can hop over to her site and send her lots of good wishes, preferably in the form of one Johan Franzen being UPS-ed to her residence. I'm sure she'll give you the shipping details if you hit her up.

--Petrella wearing the SHIRTUZZI was everything I could have hoped for and more. Also, it's worth noting that the moment I met Rob (who, judging by his recent travels, either hasn't been to his home in 74 years or is an actual hobo) and his brother John was the moment TSO was presented with our fabulous TPL-autographed photo of Casey's She-Tuzzi creation. Time. Stood. Still. TSO's only regret is that we didn't get to hang out with the Discher boys more, but alas, they were off to their next destination before we knew it, like elusive butterflies who managed to slip out of our nets. (TSO is currently embroiled in a dispute with one half of TPL for the right to dib the other half of TPL. We'll let you know how this settles on the flip side.)

--Brian and I are proud to be card-carrying members of the I Heart TPL Mom Club. (TPL Mom, we'll be sending you those adoption papers later in the week to sign and have notarized. Yeah, it'll make Brian and me some sort of weird quasi-relation, but we'll work out those kinks later.)

--As a Wahoo, I never knew I could muster up enough emotion and chutzpah to say I heart a Hokie until I met Casey and his equally awesome roommate Shawn. I'm telling you, this is how international relations should work. Can you imagine? Oh, there's a new round of Irish car bombs going off in Belfast? Fuck, put them in a room with some hockey and Boddington's and let them bond. Works every time.

--Tyler and Brent from the TTD are every bit as hilarious in person as their site and videos have you suggest. I was a tad bit disappointed that they didn't sport the awesome sweaters/turtlenecks they wore in their clips, but that's neither here nor there. It was excellent hanging out with the two of them at the Town Pump; thanks for letting me terrorize your table intermittently throughout the night.

--Speaking of terrorizing, when we finally moved to our real seats at the Joe, we found ourselves seated next to Chris of NOHS fame, and we're fairly certain Brian pushed the boundaries of legal harassment of Chris regarding goaltending as it relates to Josh Harding. We met (Animal) Drew after the game, too, and we can confirm that these guys are the real deal: nice as hell and completely gracious when dealing with their rabid fans' enthusiasm.

--We had the pleasure of hanging out with Kris for both games and the aftermath, and we had a blast--Kris and her friend Gaby sat on the other side of us when we committed to our actual seats. In fact, I'm not sure if you all know this or not, but Kris is actually a ninja--I discovered her stealth-ful abilities first-hand this weekend. I'm pretty sure this translates into her being able to slip into the locker room undetected. I'm just saying...

--MauvaisGardien and silvrbuttrfly, awesome ladies who I'm pleased to have gotten to know better during Friday's festivities, especially since it meant downing a shot that made me feel minty clean afterwards! (No, but seriously, you CAN'T drive back to Toledo, now, right?)

--Speaking of shots, downing a shot of Jameson with jennyquarx was everything I could have hoped for and more.

--Voox wins the award for snazziest hat at H2H, hands down.

--There were some folks we got to meet whom we didn't get to spend quite as much time with, but the pleasure was all ours nonetheless: Jessie of Bingo Bango, Greg/captnorris5 of The Winged Wheel, Twitter buddy Norm (who loooves traversing the Ohio Turnpike just as much as we do!), Sara (who we discovered has impeccable taste in dresses), members of the 19 Andrew from Ann Arbor (whose Datsyuk-autographed stick we plotted to steal, to no avail), Lo, jennemyofthesk8, and Baroque97, among so many others.

It was truly a blast. Petrella said it best in his recap over at TPL that "H2H2" has a high bar to cross for besting this past weekend. Let TSO join the chorus of voices out there who have already expressed the sheer joy associated with finding yourself surrounded by people who "get it": the sheer obsession we have with this hockey team we all love more than life itself. Fans of other teams? Eat your fucking hearts out. Red Wings Nation rocks, balls out.

And now, we'll simply look forward to that playoff party in the D, already being pimped by Serven & Company on the Twitterverse.

Thanks to everybody for the best weekend in the history of weekends. Period.