At least we got rid of Andy Delmore right? A game recap.

As we all saw tonight, the game was absolute shit. The Wings, a team SUPPOSEDLY wanting to make the playoffs, came out and laid down in front of the Canucks. Bam. Loss. This kind of shit can’t happen this late in the season in this spot. It just can’t.

If you read Babcock’s post game comments I think it summarizes well how things went. That having been said, I’d like to present you with Brian’s “You were terrible at hockey tonight and I REALLY wish you’d given a shit, therefore I‘d like to take a shit on your head” list. Similar to a shit list, but less clichéd.

1. Niklas Kronwall. I know you folks love him, and I do as well….but what the fuck tonight, sir?

2. TSN’s announcers. Since the game was on NHL Network we were officially banned from the FSD feed, and TSN’s announcers suck my shit. I hate how they refer to Henrik and Daniel Sedin as “Henrik” or “Daniel”. They have last names, fuck-o. I know it would be difficult to tell apart if you did that, but INCLUDE the first name. It's not that hard.

3. Gary Bettman. Permanent inclusion on any biggest villian/needs to be on the business end of my runs list.

4. Jonathan Ericsson. Has he played hockey before?

5. Todd Bertuzzi. I’ll turn coat this quick - I’m not extremely con-Tuzzi. But he could not have been a bigger sack of useless out there. If he had tried to just do something simple, like...be a table tonight...he would’ve found a way to fuck that up, too. I’m convinced he should not be paid more than $12.75 an hour. For anything.

Having mentioned what a fuckwad Bert was tonight, and the trade deadline having just passed, I’d like to present my SECOND LIST-- things I would take in return in a trade for Todd Bertuzzi:

1. Any draft pick
2. 8 hockey sticks
3. Subway coupons
4. Pulled pork BBQ sandwich
5. Postage to mail him wherever he gets sent
6. Mange
7. Scabies
8. George W. Bush
9. Tim Cheveldae
10. A copy of Mariah Carey’s movie Glitter

The list could go on. A quick note of clarification about the pulled pork BBQ sandwich--it doesn’t even have to be a good one. A microwave one is fine. We’re desperate.

Wings shit the bed; lose 4-1

Well, tonights game was.....something. The same deal as usual; not enough effort, another injury, a goalie who played above his head; blah blah blah. Watching a Wings game should not make me want to drink heavily, but this did. A few points from the game:

1. You know how some games are really close, say 1-0, but the team that is ahead is completely dominating the flow, shots, and every single aspect of the game? We've all seen the Wings do that; close score, but the game never seems in doubt. Tonight was like that...

...except the exact opposite. Down 1-0, 2-0, it never really seemed like the Wings had a shot, did it?

2. Meech had two nice games in a row. Tonight, he remembered he was Derek Meech. It couldve been worse I guess. Good lord he got steamrolled several times.

3. -2, sure, but Kindl was pretty good, yes?

4. The second power play unit is still a huge shit show.

5. Its strange to say, with your goalie giving up four goals and all, but Jimmy played well tonight, yes? I like him approximately 200% more than I did a while ago when he could not grasp the concept of catching a puck/controlling a rebound. Sure, he could've stopped the second slow dribbler, but for the others, when Brett Lebda is slapping pucks at you and folks are shitting their pants, what else could he have done? Some nice saves tonight by Jimmy.

6. Actual quote by Babcock after the game, referencing Ericsson's injury: "I don't know what's going on, I don't have enough courage to go in and ask". Sort of sums up alot of things.

7. NOT good enough tonight.

8. Devils Saturday, Rangers Sunday. Pointess prediction - Sunday will be Marion Gaborik's annual "done for the year" injury. Just a hunch. Go Wings.

Memo to the NHL: Suspend Laraque immediately.

And I don't want to hear anybody's bullcrap about how Georges Laraque "accidentally" stuck his knee in Kronwall's path. Honestly, I would rather hear my boyfriend admit that he cheated on me by "accidentally" having somebody fall on his dick. That statement is less ridiculous than the former.

There is no instance when a hockey player should stick his knee out, aligning it with another hockey player's knee. No decent or legal check or hit results from doing that. End. Of. Story.

Per Puck Daddy, a quote from the gentleman in question:

There were four refs on the ice and they didn't call anything," Laraque said. "If they called a match penalty it would be different. There was no intent. There was no reason why I would try to go and hurt him. It was a pure accident, that's why they called it tripping, so I'm not worried at all.

There was no "intent". I love it. You know, I kind of have that same thing, when I walk down the street, and I just stick my leg out and trip up fellow passers-by. It's an uncontrollable spasm; I can't help it.

Oh, and I'm certainly "worried". Officially joining other Wings' bloggers on this one: I'm not sure the universe can handle the horribleness of Brett Lebda and Derek Meech on the same line. Taking it a step further, I'm pissed at Jonathan Ericsson's performance as of late, so the thought of Meech being paired with him makes me want to grab a wire coat hanger and abort myself.

Getting back to the issue at hand, though, I wonder if there's anything else out there that can help us shed some light onto the situation at hand. If only Georges Laraque had his own website. Wait, what's this? Holy shit, Georges Laraque has his own website!

To describe myself, well I have to say you will rarely see me anywhere without a big smile on my face. I love to laugh, makes jokes, I’m actually quite the prankster and as annoying as it gets sometimes on people, I like to entertain. When I'm somewhere in a big group, you know that I'm there! lol!

Like, OMFG. He sounds, like, such an awesome guy! Maybe we should totally hang out! I wonder if he also enjoys long, romantic walks on the beach? I am, like, totally the prankster in my group of friends, too! One time, I totally saran-wrapped my BFF's toilet seat at a sleepover. Hehehe! She was SO mad, she was like, OMFG, you biatch! (SWF, 23 YO, BRO hair, BLU eyes...call me, lova).

What I do on the ice is definitely not the type of person I am off the ice, I hate violence.

Yay! Because I was really worried that he might try to go all Tonya Harding on me in the bedroom, and while I'm not exactly a prude, I'm certainly not down for any out of control S&M, B&D, BDSM, CBT, D/s, or TT. ROFLMAOCOPTER.

Another thing about me is that I'm brutally honest. I always say something the way it is. I'm never afraid to speak my mind. You would say that in real life, it could be a good thing at times, but when you're a professional athlete, it’s not always a good thing in the eyes of many people, but I don't care. I don't like the cliché answer and don’t always say what's politically correct. I think the fans have the right to hear the truth and the way you feel at all times and over the years, many people know that about me and you can earn a lot of respect that way.

Ever noticed that people who call themselves "brutally honest" are usually total assholes? Think about it. Anyone I've ever heard of in my entire life who says, "I'm brutally honest" usually means they're about to say something shitty--or will say something shitty in the near future--and don't want their relationship with the recipient of the shitty comment to suffer any damage because, alas, they forewarned said person that they're brutally honest, and that's the way it is. It's like that bullshit T-shirt slogan or bumper sticker that skankbags tote that says, "I'm a bitch and proud of it." (I hope you're picturing a person with trailer blonde hair, glittery eyeshadow, and a baby tee at least 5 times too small because that's what I'm working with over here.) Yeah. You might be a bitch and proud of it, but guess what. Everyone fucking hates you. They just pretend to be nice because they're afraid of suffering the wrath, i.e., getting eaten.

I believe in God and pray regularly, I try everyday to be a good Christian and try to help as many people as I can.

Hmm. Well, if you get suspended, maybe you just didn't pray hard enough because God definitely always takes your side, right? Oops. Oh, and proclaiming yourself a "good Christian" when you have a history of being a dickface in the public realm does nothing to negate your dickface history; it just makes you look like more of a dickface.

I would actually recommend three movies for you to watch (down below) that have made a big change in my life. I truly believe that if you watch them it will help your life goals and dreams! And always remember, live your life to the fullest, we only live once!

Movies:
- Pay it Forward
- The Secret
- Deepak Chopra
- 7 Laws of Success

That's actually two movies, one book, and one crazy writer. How can we expect Laraque to understand the rules on the ice when he can't even master counting or differentiating between living persons and inanimate objects? Asshole.

Wings contract cat scratch fever; lose 2-1

That subject is an homage to the Scrappy Octopus; I know she would've wanted it that way. She isn't so scrappy tonight; more like the "sick/drowsy/drugged up/dysentery ridden" Octopus tonight, so once again, the B team is here.

Tonight's game recap is tough. I had this post planned out in my head all throughout the first two periods, so lets start there. At no point did I ever once feel the game was in jeopardy. The Wings came out of the gate dominating the game in a most absurd manner; when I saw the kitty cats had two shots at the end of one I was surprised; I swore I only counted one. Through the second period, I was going to add to the post that the cute little kittens from Florida were the worst team I'd ever seen and demand to start a letter writing campaign to have then contracted. Then, a funny little thing happened....

The Wings, as they are liable to do from time to time, eased the foot off the gas, gave up a goal, went to OT.....and then a loss.

What can you say about that really? This is a meaningless game in November; however, you'd hate to see this continue later, and I think we all worry about that a little.

In an effort to be slightly less wordy, a few random observations:

1. Pavel Datsyuk played well tonight. I'm sorry I doubted you. Except I'm not, because you were invisible the other day.

2.Clemmensen played a great game. He also has a sweet helmet.

3. The Big Rig kinda looked like maybe he had a flat or something. Seeing him this season is so very different from watching him in the playoffs last year. I hope he figures it out. Maybe he needs a tune-up? Can someone direct that man to the nearest Pep Boys?

4. One of my favorite scapegoats, Brett Lebda, was adequate tonight. This may seem bad, however, generally I would rate him somewhere between "complete dumpster fire" and "man, someone needs to take him out behind the woodshed". So this is complementary. A game not spent pining for Derek Meech is almost as good as a victory. Almost.

5. The good folks over at Nightmare on Helm Street made a great point in their preview today; stating that they could name maybe 4 Florida Panthers (number not exact; I'm too lazy for fact-checking). Prior to tonight's game, I could've named:

Tomas Vokoun
Scott Clemmensen
Stephen Weiss
Nathan Hoton
That Olesz guy
The guy that got killed by Brad Richards

My knowledge base did not expand much. Corey Stillman is still alive, so that's good. And their coach has a sort of creepy molester vibe. Whatever.

Canadiens tomorrow night. Go Wings.

Stars shoot down Wings 3-1

The Scrappy Octopus is feeling under the weather tonight so her not so better half will be taking the reigns for tonight’s game recap. I promise to try to keep the dick jokes, swearing, toilet humor, and general inappropriateness at a high enough level that maybe you won‘t notice a difference. A guy can dream. What a game to recap…

Oh, there will be one thing on Wings fans minds tonight I’m sure, but lets talk about the game itself before we get to officiating. In order:

1. This game was sort of a huge turd all around wasn’t it? The Wings were outplayed tonight. Both goalies faced 32 shots tonight, however, Alex Auld wasn’t really challenged that much. It kind of felt like Dallas dominated play for the most part and had more scoring chances. Which leads me to…

2. JIMMY! Great game by Jimmy in the loss. Lots of key saves to keep the Wings in the game during the times where the team looked relatively uninterested (which is to say the majority of the game). The Wings had a chance to win tonight thanks to Jimmy.

3. Henrik Zetterberg - what can you say? He played a great game. The Wings future captain was once again the best player on the ice. No one can touch this cat right now. Conversely…

4. Pavel Datsyuk looked like he couldn’t have given less of a shit throughout the first two and a half periods of this game. 16:27 in ice time tonight and I couldn’t tell you one fucking thing he did tonight aside from fair well in the face-off circle. That’s certainly SOMETHING, but it doesn’t really seem like enough does it?

5. Jonathan Ericsson can eat a dick.

6. Seriously, is it legally possible to file a restraining order to keep that dick hole 100 yards from frozen surfaces until he figures it out? I speak harshly, but I don’t actually hate him. I just don’t have to like him right now.

And now on to officiating….

I’m notoriously absent minded, so perhaps I’m forgetting a game somewhere, but that was one of the worst overall officiated games I can remember seeing. I can’t say that for the most part it wasn’t officiated evenly, because it was. The hooking call on Rafalski was borderline ridiculous; May’s “slash” on Auld WAS ridiculous. Daley’s goaltender interference, Auld’s delay of game, Homer’s hooking….all absurd. Drunk Mickey Redmond referred to the officiating this evening as “a circus”, and for once that drunken bastard said something lucid. For all of the bad officiating I cannot seem to wrap my mind around May’s no-goal. In the playoffs last year we ALL remember Brad Watson’s intended whistle. You can argue all you like about “intended whistles” and such (and I will in a second), but the rule, as written, was interpreted correctly then. Ok. Gotcha. Tonight though? What is happening there? I’m trying to picture how the conversation went while analyzing this and every time I do it makes brain goo seep out of my ears. Why? Because my brain literally melts when I try to imagine things that fucking stupid. If I, on my 15 inch (size approximated, but its small), can plainly see that the GOD DAMN PUCK IS SITTING IN THE FUCKING NET, maybe it oughta be a goal.

Ok, I grant you that there is a rule regarding intended whistles (which is stupid on its face, being that we are in the day in age with TV’s and VIDEO and SOUND that can be rewound and what not. Fancy!). I once again refer to drunk Mickey when he said the save was never made! The puck went straight into the net after it was shot, barely glancing off the goaltenders pad. So, unless you INTENDED to blow the whistle before he shot the puck, that’s a goal and that call was ridiculous.

Enough about officiating. It would’ve been interesting to see the rest of the game play out. Again, we got outplayed, so its not like we deserved to win the game; and the call disallowed the tying goal, not a go-ahead goal. You could argue that if we’re tied the defense doesn’t pinch up as much, which doesn’t leave the Big Rig stranded to take a dumb penalty, which eliminates the power play……

What if’s. I guess it could’ve been summed up with one word:

Whatever. We got outplayed and lost the game. Tomorrow the Scrappy Octopus returns to its regularly scheduled (and higher quality) programming. Appreciate you folks stopping by.

Wings pluck Ducks, 7-4.

So, here's the scoring summary from last night's extravaganza:

1st period:
1. Dan Cleary (DET)
2. Brian Rafalski (DET)

2nd period
3. Corey Perry (ANA)

3rd period
4. Bobby Ryan (ANA)
5. Pavel Datsyuk (DET)
6. Joffrey Lupul (ANA)
7. Henrik Zetterberg (DET)
8. Ryan Getzlaf (ANA)
9. Henrik Zetterberg (DET)
10. Darren Helm (DET)
11. Henrik Zetterberg (DET)

The fact that the Ducks tied the game on three separate occasions just about killed me. I don't know why it surprised me because it's what these two teams do when they meet up. But still. It was one of those best-ever-kind of games because the Wings maintained pressure and persevered, and the rollercoaster ride was just a part of the journey of getting there.

It was kinda like going to the doctor because you're feeling sorta weird, and you're worried that you might be knocked up, so you do a pee test, and the doc comes back and says, "Good news! You're not pregnant!" And being the awesome person you are, you start doing the requisite ceremonial fist pumps and high-fiving the nursing staff, and then the doctor sheepishly says, "You do, however, have syphilis." Yiiiiikes.

Yeah, kinda like that. Only more awesome because Detroit won, and virtually VD-free, at that.

***

So, the big news is obviously that Henrik Zetterberg earned himself a hat trick last night, marking also the first Detroit hat trick of this still relatively new season. He owned this game. I mean, seriously. Bought the copyrights to it and everything.



In related news, Jonathan Ericsson is the proud owner of the second-worst thing I saw all night, passing the puck from behind the net to Ryan Getzlaf, who swiftly sent it to Corey Perry, who scored the Ducks' first goal. It was a great play...if you're a Ducks' fan.

One thing of absolutely no consequence (other than providing sunshine to my soul), how adorable is it to see Tomas Holmstrom laugh in the faces of Ducks' players who head straight for him between whistles? Yeah, I know, it's nothing new; Homer is a wanted man in every city (cue Styx's "Renegade"). But last night, the camera caught him at just the right time/angle, and he was straight up laughing in some person's face. God, I love this guy. After he retires, I'll pay him $5 a day to hang out with me every day.

I'm happy to see that the Ducks still have the same shiteous attitude problem. I especially enjoyed Erik Christensen smashing his stick on the ice after one of the Wings' early goals, as well as Getzlaf slinging his water bottle aside when he was sent to the sin bin for dry humping cross-checking Zetterberg toward the end of the first period. (I know Getzy is probably as mesmerized as we all are by the power of Hank's magical whiskers, but seriously, if you want to see if he'll caress your face with them, at least ask before attacking. Manners, anyone?)

But anyway, thanks, Anaheim, for still being that team that's so easy to hate. You make my job as an arrogant Detroit fan that much easier when I can bask in the smug superiority of rooting for a team that makes asshats like you lose your shit after being down only 2-0 at the end of the first period.

***

Oh, and if anyone's curious as to what the worst thing I saw all night was, did anyone else catch the end of the Pittsburgh/Boston game? We turned it on with approximately five minutes left in the third period. The Bruins had just tied the game with a power play goal at 4-4; then, the Bruins scored with 2:30 left in the third period to take the lead, 5-4. The Pens pulled Brent Johnson with over 1:30 to go. The two teams struggled to gain control of the puck, and for all but, oh, say, 2 seconds of the empty net situation, they were battling along the boards in Pittsburgh's end, right beside the empty net. Finally, the Pens break away with the puck and manage to put it in the net--with 0.4 left in the game. Four-tenths of a fucking second. Seriously.

But wait, that's still not the worst part. In overtime, Pittsburgh controlled the puck for most of the play. The puck sailed from center ice to Tim Thomas, who, for some reason, went behind the net to play the puck, but didn't clear it up the boards. The puck went right to Jordan Staal, who passed it to Pascal Dupuis, who sent it right into what was essentially an unguarded net. Pens win in OT. And Bruins fans everywhere fall on the sword. Horrible.

Wings lose to Avalanche, 3-1.

So, since I got over my hangover yesterday, and since I finally brought myself to watch the game last night, I can share some thoughts on Saturday night's experience v. the Avalanche:

1. Jimmy Howard is not on my shit list. The 2nd goal he allowed was flukey and weird, but he otherwise played a solid game.

2. Todd Bertuzzi impressed the hell outta me with his 1,437 scoring chances. I especially love that he accomplished this in front of a crowd of booing Avs fans because, you know, I heart animosity.

3. I can't believe Adam Foote took another puck to the face from Nicklas Lidstrom. Ouch.

4. Regarding the first goal for the Avs, Brian Rafalski should not have attempted that pass to Jonathan Ericsson. I love that Big E smashed his stick on the net immediately after the goal; I'm not sure whether he was mad at himself or mad at his teammates, but all signs of temper tantrums make me happy.

5. The top line, currently Datsyuk/Zetterberg/Holmstrom, needs to score now. Is the sky blue? They had some decent chances, especially Datsyuk, doing his thing, but they need to find the back of the net. I feel like I write this exact same thing after every single game we lose.

6. Officially joining the chorus of angry Wings bloggers with this one: Brad Watson should go fuck himself. Maybe it would help him do his job better.*

That's really all I have right now. I'm super disappointed, but when I watched the game last night, I didn't walk away with the same sense of abject failure as I did following other recent games. The game the other night against Phoenix? I'm pretty sure I barfed blood for the rest of the night. Maybe the difference here is that I saw the score while drunk, blogged about it when I was drunk, then finally got around to watching the game, so my emotional state kind of went from, "OMFG, how-could-they-have-lost-again-this-is-horseshit-i-need-another-beer" to "Wait, what was the score again? WHAAAT, we lost?!" to "..." Therefore, maybe this is a sign. A sign that alcohol needs to be present in all viewing situations in order to invert my emotional reactions to disappointing games.

*Actually, at this point, I'm willing to buy this guy a prostitute. He needs to get laid. It would help him relax with this whole whistle-blowing thing and get over himself. I mean, think about it: What do you really think is on his mind with the entire "intent to blow" thing? Anybody in for splitting the costs with me?