"Recap" & Waylon Wednesday.

So, there was a game last night. Against the St. Louis Blues. No, we didn't watch it. Versus + dial-up internet at home = no dice for such games. But here's what we learned from monitoring the game summary and reading other people's recaps:

1. We earned a point last night because the game went to OT, and, eventually, a shootout. Commence celebrations in the form of nipple clamping and bukkake sandwiches.

2. According to The Triple Deke and The Production Line, Johan Franzen rocked a sweet mustache. And in addition to feeling distraught over missing the Mule's first game back since his 1,247-year-long stint on IR (no, seriously, doesn't it feel like it's been that long?), we're equally disturbed we missed out on that, as well. After all, TSO is your one-stop shop for all things mustache rides and dirty Sanchezes, which are a form of mustache, if you think about it. (Go ahead and think about it. You know you want to.)

3. Further according to TPL (in a guest post written by Chris Hollis of Motown Wings and The Obstructed View fame), Henrik Zetterberg should not be allowed in a shootout ever again. Not seeing the game last night, I can't judge his effort; however, he has not had a particularly strong year when it comes to shootouts. Ballin' B and I talked about this yesterday while we awaited the results of the riveting game summary during the shootout (refreshes every 30 seconds for your convenience). The last time I saw, his shootout success rate hovered somewhere in the early 30% range. Far be it for me to question seriously Babcock's judgment in selecting his shooters (oh, puh-leeze, like anybody takes this site seriously, anyway), but it does get frustrating to watch the same players fail to convert time and time again (ahem, Dan Cleary, during all the injuries, way back about 3+ weeks ago). Then again, how shitty would it be if Babcock replaced his star players with under-the-radar guys and still came up short? Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other. Shootouts suck; I have no problem watching other teams participate in them, but when it comes to the Wings, my heart sinks every time the OT clock winds down.

4. Jimmy Howard stopped 42 of 45 shots on goal last night, including the 5:00 of OT. Twenty of those shots were in the first period. The mind fucking reels.

5. Kris Draper's persistence as of late paid off last night in the form of scoring the first goal of the game.

Questions I have for people who caught the game:

1. How the fuck did Todd Bertuzzi manage to commit a penalty only 0:28 into the game? Did somebody urinate on his skates? Threaten to force him into a glass-bottom boat scenario? Taunt him with accusations of his mom smelling like cheese?

2. Brad May got into a fight. How did that work out?

And that's all I really want to know. No, seriously. We're going to adopt the motto of the drag queen/transvestite in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil: "Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it." The Wings take on the Sharks on Thursday. Go big or go...home? How does that work if they're already at home? I guess it's go big or leave home, in that case? Whatev. Our satellite is still jacked up (SNOWPOCALYPSE!--no, really, we now have 4+ feet of snow and counting...I'm 99% sure I'm going to build an igloo and live in it for free or else charge someone for all my construction labor), so you may get another fantastic recap like this one or one of our oh-so-awesome real recaps when we watch it and still have nothing productive to say. Gear down!

***

Let's get to the point with our Wednesday question. This one's been asked all over the blogosphere, plus we delved into it the other week in our Wednesday comments, but it's hard not to bring it up formally since we're only two days away from the Opening Ceremony:

Which men's ice hockey team do you hope wins Olympic gold?

This is a toughie for me; I've been all over the place with my loyalties. Obviously, I'm an American and would be proud of my home country for winning the gold, despite Patrick Kane's craterfaced presence on the team. (No, seriously, there are no cab rides involved in ferrying the players about Vancouver, right? Just checking. Don't embarrass the stars and stripes, assfuck, or you'll have a lot to answer for 'round these parts.) We've got Rafalski on the roster, plus players TSO likes in the form of Ryan Miller, Tim Thomas, Jonathan Quick, and Jack Johnson. On the other hand, we also have Brooks Orpik, who annoys us only because he plays for Pittsburgh, and Ryan Whitney, who plays for the Ducks and has a girl's last name. I'll be happy enough if Team USA nabs the gold, but I won't be surprised if they don't because the competition is stiff.

Like many of you, the only thing I care about regarding Team Canada is Stevie Y and Babcock. Other than that, the team at large makes me ralph. Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf (who may return from his injury for some of the games), Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger, Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook, Corey Perry, and Dany Heatley? Words fail me. How are Canadians dealing with this level of code red douchiness? I know Olympic gold is more important to our neighbors to the north than sex, air, or water but...blehhhhhhhh.

Team Sweden is stacked with winners, never mind the controversial snub of one Johan Franzen. Despite the annoying Sedins' presence on the roster, it's damn near impossible to find any reason to dislike the blue-and-yellow rascals, considering how many Wings made the cut. The only thing is...they've already won the gold.

Other than being inherently biased toward Team USA, I'm rooting for Team Russia. Their roster is stacked with fantastic NHL-ers: Our own Pavel Datsyuk, plus Ovie, Semin, Kovalchuk, SNB, Nabokov, and Bryzgalov. The only downer is that Russian gold means Malkin and Gonchar benefit, which is a bonafide tragedy, but really, I would love to see Pasha with a gold medal.

In any event, there's obviously a lot to root for--and against--each particular "powerhouse" team. Any of the aforesaid four countries taking home top honors will bring some sort of happiness, as well as a teeny, tiny iota of strife, to our lives. One thing I think we can all agree on is hoping that Team Slovakia is a wash; Marian Hossa, Marian Gaborik, and Tomas Kopecky with a gold medal in their hands? I'd rather watch somebody sign my own death certificate.

And now, a little mood music...because nothing gets me fired up for Team America (fuck, yeah!) quite like Waylon:

Whoa, was there a game yesterday?

Because to me, it looked like stone cold, country bullshit.

When will the NHL get this right? In this season, we've seen a puck enter the net--and get stuck there--only to get disallowed due to a Dennis LaRue's early whistle (Brad May). We've witnessed other close calls due to premature ejaculations of the whistle. We're still reeling after Marian Hossa's goal was waived off due to an early whistle in last year's Semifinals against the Ducks, which eventually went the full seven games.

Not to mention the other teams it's happened to across the League: Just the other night, I tuned in to the Ducks @ Kings game, and never in a million years would I have thought a no-goal call on the ice, by a referee standing in perfect position to see the back of the crease and the puck, would have gotten overturned after review. The NHL's explanation for it?

A lengthy review determined his shot slipped underneath Jean-Sebastien Giguere, reversing referee Don Van Massenhoven's apparent call and agreeing with a linesman's determination.

Can I have some of what they're smoking in Toronto? Usually, my drugs just numb the pain of everyday existence, but this shit has to be a full out-of-body experience.

But never, in a trillion years, did I expect to see something like what happened yesterday, considering (A) the referee was staring at the goal line, (B) there was a camera angle showing the puck not fully crossing the goal line, and (C) overturning the no-call on the ice resulted in a shootout win for the Dallas Stars.

I don't know what the solution to this is. There's no way we can threaten to stop watching hockey. We're at the mercy of this bullshit for as long as it continues. Maybe Toronto should be forced to share immediately whatever footage they use to determine their decisions. It is, after all, stated that they need indisputable video evidence to reverse the ref's call. Maybe they can also go to hell. So can anybody who mocks us for being tin-foily at times. What does the League expect?

Oh, and for fuck's sake, did it really have to be Steve Ott scoring the game-winning goal?

Blackhawks @ Wings today at 12:30 p.m. on NBC. That's right, boys and girls. You get to nurse your hangover listening to the bile spewing forth from Mike Milbury's lips. Might as well vomit now and get it over with.

The one where I recap a game I didn't see

Why? Because we haven't done a great deal of writing around the holidays. The Scrappy Octopus is entitled to breaks, you know? AND the game was on Versus, so we were unable to watch (I'll save you another rant from me on the subject). So onward with my imaginary game recap!

Things I know happened:

Ville Leino said ridiculous shit and acted a fool. Oh, for shame that Mike Babcock, asking you to play hockey. Spoiled fucking baby. Does his contract have a clause which allows the contract to be voided for excessive baby crying?

The Wings lost 1-0 in OT.

Brad May won a fight! Good for him.

Jimmy played well. Steve Mason apparently played better.

The Blue Jackets, prior to the game, traded Jason Chimera for two guys who are terrible. We have watched a fair amount of Caps hockey around here. I cant really say what type of player Chimera is, but um, if he has a pulse, the Jackets made a bad trade.

This I simply assume happened:

Antoine Vermette brought an actual saddle and rode Homer.

Homer giggled like a child at said riding.

Ken Hitchcock stress ate four children.

Mike Commodore stripped down to his unmentionables and rolled around in money at the 7:29 mark of the second period.

Upon seeing the flowing mane of one Valtteri Filppula, 3/4 of the Blue Jackets team questioned their sexuality.

In closing, a 1-0 loss. Damn. That's all I got.

Wings @ Blackhawks tonight.

Yeah, yeah: We totally took a pass at writing any sort of game preview of the Dallas Stars game. It's just that...we got nearly two feet of snow, and playing in that is infinitely more exciting than writing about the Dallas Stars, whom I consider one of the most yawn-inducing teams in the Conference. I guess that's why they have ice girls, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, if you want a recap for yesterday's game, here it is: Pavel Datsyuk wiped up both ends of the ice with the faces of every single person on the Stars' roster. Tomas Holmstrom scored a magnificent goal. The Homer/Datsyuk/Bertuzzi line played a solid game yesterday. Brad May actually kicked someone's ass. Time stood still. Jimmy let in a couple of softies. Doug Janik looks like the kind of guy who if you let go on a Friday, you'd want to notify security the preceding Monday that this guy means trouble. Toby FlendersonVille Leino had a decent chance...at some point in the game, but you know how much we care about Leino's decent chances over here (if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas). Wings played a decent first period, an absolutely electric second period, and came out flat for the third period. Hey, at least nobody got injured yesterday. Lose to Dallas, 4-3.

***

Wings visit the Windy City tonight for the first time this season. We're also going to see Marian Hossa face the team for the first time since he jumped on board the Chicago bandwagon. I'm ready to see Brad Stuart make wallpaper out of him; he did a pretty good job of doing that to Kopecky back in October, but I hear Kopecky is still standing, so if Stuart could go ahead and finish that job, it would be fanfuckingtastic.

Should be an interesting game. Chicago is on fire right now. I'm tempted to make the requisite "Oh, if we drop this one, it's only because we're playing back-to-back road games or because we're so injury-ridden, blah, blah, blah", but instead, I'm going to quote rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion.

I've sent a little memo to the Wings. It's not a big deal or anything, but I thought I'd stick it on here and maybe pump up the morale for tonight's game. Here goes:

Dear Red Wings,

Hey, it's your favorite Scrappy Octopus here. Just wanted to send you a little note of encouragement to say good luck tonight against the Blackhawks. I don't have to tell you how symbolically important your meetings against the Hawks are to your fanbase.

I did want to point out that in addition to it being five days before Christmas, it's also the day before my birthday. And since you're not sending me Aaron Downey in a box (unless it's going to be a late delivery, right on my birthday, and not to be bratty, but I did specifically request an entire week with him, not just one day), you really owe it to me to go ahead and win tonight. If tonight goes poorly, it will ruin my birthday and my chances of living a productive year. Also, I will promptly light myself on fire. So there, you all have all of that on your consciences.

Much love to you all! Stay positive.

XO, Me

Let's. Go. Wings.

Thrashers @ Wings tonight.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. I apologize to all three of The Scrappy Octopus's loyal readers for the sporadic posting over the past week or so; as Brian noted, I've been feeling under the weather (NOT dysentery, however, thank you very much--it was actually cholera, contracted somewhere between Independence and Chimney Rock; I didn't stand a chance in the wagon). So, this week, it's been no work for me, lounging about in my PJs with my awesome dog Lucy, enriching my brain with the likes of The Maury Show and conspiracy-theory bullshit on ID. (Have you WATCHED that channel?! The mind reels...) I emerged from my lair to write the piece of Georges Laraque the other day because I was too pissed to give lie detector results and paternity testing the full attention they deserve, but other than that, I've been taking it easy.

Speaking of Laraque, he's suspended for five games. Big fucking deal. I wish the NHL would institute a rule for people guilty of dirty hits to be suspended for the duration of time that their victims are sidelined due to injury. Or, I wish Brad May would just kick his ass. Whatever's easier.

So, I'm not going to talk about Monday's game against Nashville, not really because it sucked, but mostly because I didn't get to see it because Versus sucks ass, and I'm even more pissed because I didn't get to see Darren McCarty do his thing. It's kind of a silent protest. It's supposed to accomplish...something. I read about it once. Trust me; it'll work.

So, tonight, the Wings take on the Atlanta Thrashers. First things first: Can somebody please tell me what in the fuck their logo means?



It's almost Sphinx-like in its enigmatic nature, not to mention the fact that the head looks like it belongs to a creature different from the one to which it is attached. It's as if Michaelangelo masterfully drew the head of an eagle...and ran out of creativity and talent, and instead, crafted the rest of the body using a melty turd.

I've never met an Atlanta Thrashers fan. Since I'm assuming none of you have met any, either (because I'm pretty sure there are only, like, 40 total), I present you this. Gear down:



I most enjoy the song--not sure what it is, but I like to think of it as a love child of an "If They Mated" featuring the Oak Ridge Boys and Ricky Skaggs.

And because it's Thanksgiving, I'm going to be generous and give you a bonus:



I'm not sure what to be more impressed by: The fact that this guy cares that much about the outcome of the Thrashers game, or the fact that the following was posted in the comments section on YouTube:

PLEASE DON'T READ THIS. You will get kissed on the nearest possible Friday by the love of your life. Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. However, if you don't post this comment to at least 3 videos, you will die within 2 days. Copy and paste this, to be saved

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. I don't want to perish within the next two days! My festive dealer promised me a twofer on dime bags for Black Friday. (Just kidding, of course. I just wanted to make a lame joke. This blog and its writers are on the straight edge. Well, except for Brian. But that's only because he's attracted to the repetitious vowels in quaaludes.)

Have a marvelous Thanksgiving! Go Wings.

Tuesdays suck.

It's my goal to hit every single day of the week at some point or another, and since I've already picked on Monday and Wednesday, it's Tuesday's turn to be the scapegoat.

But seriously, Tuesdays do sorta suck. Have you ever noticed that Tuesdays seem like the worst ever? It's true that Mondays have their own way of blowing ass, but usually, it's not until Tuesday that the shitstorm really rains down. It's as if karma/fate/the thetons gang up and wait until you've pretty much eased back into the workweek, thinking, like an ass, that you're going to be ok, and then--BAM!--disaster strikes.



So, in an effort to better myself ourselves (come on, I'm not really alone, am I?) and our stations in life on these shitty Tuesdays, let's try something we've tried before and really enjoyed.

That's right, boys and girls: It's time for another Hockey Celebrity Look-Alike Showdown!

(And how do I know "we" all really enjoyed it? Because I got a whopping six[!] comments on it, a record for this blog. And only one of those was from me. So, HA!)

And now, without further adieu, I present you...

Brad May



vs.

Russell Crowe



Facts About Brad May:

1. Plays professional hockey for a little team called the Red Wings in Detroit, Michigan.

2. Has dark hair and eyes that people may find equal parts provocative and psychopathic.

3. Played for a team with an avian name, the Anaheim Ducks.

4. Is a badass motherfucker and will eat your soul if you step to his game.

5. His trash talk on the ice during faceoffs often leads to altercations immediately thereafter.

6. Throws punches on the ice to protect his teammates and to prove that he is composed of true grit.

Facts About Russell Crowe:

1. According to Wikipedia, roots for a little football team called the Wolverines in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

2. Has dark hair and eyes that people may find equal parts provocative and psychopathic.

3. Plays in an upcoming movie with an avian name, Robin Hood.

4. Is a badass motherfucker and will eat your soul if you step to his game.

5. His trash talk during everyday life has led to various altercations with costars and Hollywood bigwigs, causing him irreparable harm to his reputation thereafter.

6. Throws telephones at hotel employees to protect his own ego and to prove that he has an attitude composed of true shit.

And the winner is...



Because who wants to run the risk of having a rotary dial chucked upside their heads? I'll pass, please. Besides, Brad May's interviews on FSD are the shiiiizzzzz, man. If I could find one on YouTube wasn't completely fucking lazy, I would totally add one here.

Post-Battle Royale Notes

The Wings beat the Hawks 3-2 last night, and that game was awesome.

Not necessarily because the Wings played their best game; the Hawks outshot the Wings and had excellent scoring chances, far too many for my comfort level, due to Wings' defensive breakdowns.

That being said, the Wings staved off two Hawks' power plays with a 2-man advantage, including one that ran literally to the final buzzer.

To fans who have watched the Wings' penalty kill throw up on itself over the past year or so, this is a huge confidence booster.

Some more things that rocked my socks last night:

--Chris Osgood. Ozzie was the man last night. He made 32 saves, stood on his head, and even the two Hawks' goals were really unpreventable by him.

--Kris Draper's goal was a-ma-zing. He also ended the night with 3 shots on goal and a +1 rating.

--Todd Bertuzzi (!) prevented a very scary scoring chance for the Hawks.

--Thank you, Brad May, for providing some toughness to the team. You'll never be Aaron Downey to me, but you're doing a pretty good job of making me like you.

--I'm feeling the Leino/Filppula/Williams line; I'm excited to see what these guys can do throughout the season together. (On a side note, FSD interviewed Mike Babcock during one of the intermissions, and I swear, he referred to Filppula as "Phillip-pula". This also rocked my socks.)

--Derek Meech, in for Brett Lebda, ended the night with a +1 rating. I know, right? Keep it up, Meech.

Some things that I'm iffy on...

--I want to see more offensive production out of Pavel Datsyuk. I heart this guy with all my being, so this isn't me being hard on him. It's tough love.

--Henrik Zetterberg looks injured still. He isn't skating with the same fluidness and ease that he normally does.

--I hope Jonathan Ericsson is ok. He took a puck to the same ankle he hurt during the Stockholm series.

--The Wings need to stop giving teams so many ridiculous scoring chances, and I mean both taking penalties and giving up turnovers. I nearly peed my pants when Niklas Kronwall got the penalty, enabling the Hawks to have 6-4 for the final minute and a half of the game. Yes, it made for an exciting game, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

***

In other news, how excited do you think I was that this happened:



***

Ovie and the Caps come to town tomorrow night. Should be a great game. Let's go, Wings.