13 May 2013

What Happened To Your Flying V?

It's in the books. The Red Wings defeat the Ducks and move on to round two to face Chicago. Quite honestly, I was stoked that the Wings got the Ducks in round one. I thought it was a good match-up for the boys to get their playoff feet under them, because it would have been a hell of a lot harder to figure this shit out against the Hawks. Now they can take this confidence into round two against Chicago.

A few thoughts on the Ducks. Maybe if Boudreau had changed Geztlaf, Perry, and Teemu's diapers more often, they wouldn't be crying so much. Poopy diapers make it hard to skate I would imagine. Saku Koivu shall be known as The Lesser Koivu henceforth. He is the Baltic and Mediterranean of Koivus. Selanne has to retire this year. It's science. The ageless one has extended his playing career by drinking protein shakes consisting of the harvested hypothalamus of Dick Clark and extract of Betty White, both items of which there are limited supply.The last sands of the hourglass have come trickling down Benjamin Button. Corey Perry. You sir, are a giant walking, talking turd. The best part of the post game last night was during the handshake line and Perry ever so sweetly embraces Todd Bertuzzi. And if you play that part in slo-mo and can read lips, you see him whisper into Todd's ear, "please don't kill me sir". Etem...fuck you, you're good. Escape while you can before you become douche-infected. Getzlaf, you are a perfect example of the term, craptain. I don't know what you think the C on your sweater stands for, but I am pretty sure it doesn't stand for cry. Of which you do a shit-ton. You and Crosby should have a Whine-Off For Charity event using old school yo mama rules. Have fun golfing you guys.

On to the Red Wings. I will pull a politician and totally flip-flop my position on Abdelkader. Me, along with so many other Wing fans (according to my sources which is only half remembering tweets through a drunken haze) were not a fan of him being on the top line. It was an excruciating process watching him develop into a top 6 guy. One huge improvement in his game is that he didn't impale someone's head on a flailing stick which seemed to happen every other game last year. I guess hard work does pay off. Not at my job. Hard work means I get more hard work.  Franzen. Shot blocker. Hustler. Defensively responsible. Whaaaa? That's a big difference from the beginning of the season where I was constantly screaming, "Franzen you lazy motherfucker, MOOOOOVE". Here's something I thought I would never be saying, "Thank god Ericsson is on the ice". He has been solid all season. I think Wings fans are more critical of the D because we compare them to one of the best defenseman ever, especially because we still expect to see #5 step out on the ice for his shift. I am still not sold on Colaiacovo. He did things last night that made me go, "ummmm...what was that exactly". Quincey. I just shake my head. Smith. I'm so, so sorry you are paired with Quincey, but everyone has to overcome handicaps and so can you.

The rookies. I like them. A lot. Questioning my sexual identity a lot. I don't think the Ducks were prepared to deal with this fast creative line. Nyquist has the moves. Brunner has the shot. Andersson has...really good manners? No, he is responsible. And a good defensive forward on a line in which if Nyquist and Brunner feel like makin' bacon, he's there to cover.

Our captain. Hank. Henred Letoberg. All other teams dream of white, they dream of red, but can't find a Zetterman. He willed this team into the playoffs. He willed this team to a first round series win. He increased my sperm count ten-fold. His on ice leadership is Yzermanesque. You see that gleam in his eyes that says, "fuck this, we are winning this game. Come with me into the trenches boys". He has looked in top form all year. Pavel. Datsyuk has done things this year where I just point at the tv and say, "did you see that?" His grand larceny was in full effect last night. Those three steals in one shift, are you kidding me? The will and resolve of those two has been awesome to watch.

Filppula, you still owe us all for that dumbass doink pass behind the net. You want 5 mil, then earn it. Cleary's play reminds of DJ Lance's dancing from Yo Gabba Gabba. It's this odd controlled chaos. I sometimes expect him to somehow explode out of his skates up into the netting, land in front of the goalie to have the puck ricochet off of his nuts America's Funniest Home Videos style and end up with a goal. But I will take that goal.

So now it's on to round 2. How many times will coach Q transform into Yosemite Sam? How many girls will Patrick Kane choke and pee on? How many time will Eddie O-face tell the national audience that the Red Wings are really good at cheating? Only time will tell.

Postlogue-Oregon WI.

A solitary figure sits on his back porch of his country home. He stares down at the two pieces of paper sitting in front of him on his patio table. One is a photograph. The other, which he picks up, is an offer sheet. As the tears start to roll down his face, they hit the paper making the ink run. He now knows what could have been. He looks over at the photo and his rage begins to build. "Fuck you Zach Parise, you did this to me". Ryan Suter drops the Red Wings offer sheet to the ground and screams to the heavens, "WHYYYYYY?!?"

Haha. Suck it Suter. As the old knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade said, You choose...poorly.

Let's Go Wings


  1. Hahahahaha! Hilarious and spot on thoughts. Wh would have thought we would live in a world where we are HAPPY Jonny is on the ice? I harbor no illusions we can win this series, but it feels great to be here. And we have some interesting pieces, leadership, and goaltending. Who knows what this team can accomplish?

    I think though we learned something - the future is bright

  2. I mean, come on. Dekeyser out. Miller out. Helm out. A shitload of rookies in the line-up. I didn't even talk about Mikael 'Skeet-Shoot' Samuelsson. Or how awesome Top Jimmy was. And we have even more young guns ready to step up. Like, I was actually surprised Tatar was sent down. He was playing really well. The future does look good.

  3. You are an ass. So glad the Hawks beat you. Looks like you got a playoff foot up your booty. Epic choke.

  4. You are an ass. So glad the Hawks beat you. Looks like you got a playoff foot up your booty. Epic choke.

  5. Wow, anonymous, you are dumb. First you used the word epic you hipster fuck. And half an AHL team taking the best team to overtime of game 7 is hardly choking. So your stupidity knows no bounds. And furthermore, the Hawks didn't beat me, they beat the team I cheer for you ignorant pile of shit. Lastly, seriously, replying anonymously? Go crawl back under your mommy's skirt you cowardly fuck.