At least we got rid of Andy Delmore right? A game recap.

As we all saw tonight, the game was absolute shit. The Wings, a team SUPPOSEDLY wanting to make the playoffs, came out and laid down in front of the Canucks. Bam. Loss. This kind of shit can’t happen this late in the season in this spot. It just can’t.

If you read Babcock’s post game comments I think it summarizes well how things went. That having been said, I’d like to present you with Brian’s “You were terrible at hockey tonight and I REALLY wish you’d given a shit, therefore I‘d like to take a shit on your head” list. Similar to a shit list, but less clichéd.

1. Niklas Kronwall. I know you folks love him, and I do as well….but what the fuck tonight, sir?

2. TSN’s announcers. Since the game was on NHL Network we were officially banned from the FSD feed, and TSN’s announcers suck my shit. I hate how they refer to Henrik and Daniel Sedin as “Henrik” or “Daniel”. They have last names, fuck-o. I know it would be difficult to tell apart if you did that, but INCLUDE the first name. It's not that hard.

3. Gary Bettman. Permanent inclusion on any biggest villian/needs to be on the business end of my runs list.

4. Jonathan Ericsson. Has he played hockey before?

5. Todd Bertuzzi. I’ll turn coat this quick - I’m not extremely con-Tuzzi. But he could not have been a bigger sack of useless out there. If he had tried to just do something simple, like...be a table tonight...he would’ve found a way to fuck that up, too. I’m convinced he should not be paid more than $12.75 an hour. For anything.

Having mentioned what a fuckwad Bert was tonight, and the trade deadline having just passed, I’d like to present my SECOND LIST-- things I would take in return in a trade for Todd Bertuzzi:

1. Any draft pick
2. 8 hockey sticks
3. Subway coupons
4. Pulled pork BBQ sandwich
5. Postage to mail him wherever he gets sent
6. Mange
7. Scabies
8. George W. Bush
9. Tim Cheveldae
10. A copy of Mariah Carey’s movie Glitter

The list could go on. A quick note of clarification about the pulled pork BBQ sandwich--it doesn’t even have to be a good one. A microwave one is fine. We’re desperate.

Wings harpoon Canucks, 3-1.

If your mascot is named Finn the Whale, you deserve the verb "harpoon".

Somehow, the Wings managed this win, despite getting completely outshot and outworked for much of the game. Jimmy Howard played extremely well for the second night in a row (although he had much more work to do in last night's game than in Columbus); he even earned himself his first career assist on Niklas Kronwall's empty-netter. I wish I could find a video of Henrik Zetterberg's GWG; it was one of my favorite goals thus far this season.

Tomas Holmstrom scored the first goal of the game. He's still leading the team in season goals. My heart is smiling.

Tomorrow night, the Wings take on the Anaheim Ducks for the first time this season. This is the third team in my top tier of hatred. Expect something fun tomorrow pre-game.

***

So, now I want to take a minute to get all sentimental with you guys. I've been doing this blogging thing for almost two months now. I started it as a way to stop irritating non-hockey fans in my life with my endless blather for 3/4 of the year (and if you're interested in the whole long story of my hockey fandom, you can read it here). Still, I wasn't sure anyone would actually want to read the sometimes inane, often irreverent, almost always inappropriate prattling that I put out there. Ever since my bestest showed me how to check the stats on Google Reader to see how many subscribers a particular blog has, I've been neurotically checking it to see if people are ready my stuff. And you are! This little, scrappy blog, created by a person who's not from Michigan but still loves the Red Wings more than life itself, has real, actual readers. (Or maybe just cyborgs who enjoy reading this nonsense. But whatever. Onward and upward.) So, thanks, people. It hits me right here.

Now, Jesus H. Christ. Because this site is not called the SAPPY Octopus, and in celebration of this impromptu Reader Appreciation Day, how about some free sketchy punch, hookers, and BJs*? Really. It's on The Scrappy Octopus's tab.

Oh, and for the ladies--I wouldn't dream of leaving you out of this one. Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot reportedly involves a hockey stick. More details as they emerge, and, of course, complimentary copies of the issue for everyone once it's published. What? That doesn't do it for you? OK. Well, we've still got this guy. You're welcome.

*As in Columbus Blue Jackets. They want to hang out. Wait, what? You thought I meant...? GASP. I'm appalled at you people, really. Sickos.

Basking in the afterglow; Canucks @ the Joe tonight.

Yep. Still happy. Still gloating. Still feeling fantastic. We're entitled to that, you know, after the rollercoaster that has been the opening six weeks of the 2009-10 season. Who would have thought that the end of the game would have left me with the same three words as the Toronto game, only with opposite emotion: Fuck. Me. Sideways.

I shall rate my happiness thusly: Happier than a pig in shit. Happier than a fat kid spying cake (simile courtesy of 50 Cent. I know, I know. Most horrible.). Happier than Ken Hitchcock at an all-you-can-eat KFC/Taco Bell/Entenmann's buffet. (Oh, shit. Where are my manners? Happy 1,000th game, by the way. Shithead.)

So, the afterglow doesn't last for long, particularly not today, as the Canucks venture into the Joe for the teams' second meeting this season. Kyle at Babcock's Death Stare made an excellent point in his recap of last night's game in saying that the down side to the Wings' huge victory last night is that they no longer have any excuses; they proved that depth, talent and drive are still present on the Wings' squad, so now they have to live up to the success we all know they're capable of achieving.

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret: I'm sort of a spy. I mean, I enjoy espionage, particularly when it comes to rival teams. So, I totally got my hands on some top-secret footage of the Canucks' secret weapon on the ice. With Vancouver being so injury-plagued this season, they have a little something they may unleash on the ice against us tonight. Behold:



Yep. That just happened. My apologies for the egregious misspellings, but who can resist the funny that's inherently present in a retarded-looking, clothed whale skating around haphazardly with a T-shirt gun? Not this girl.

Also, if you want to be on the lookout for Fin, you should probably keep tabs on Mason Raymond's vehicle, as I heard through the grapevine that they like to travel together:



It's a great day when I get to make yet another Mason Raymond/hillbilly joke.

Part 2 - Wings triumph over Canucks, 5-4.

To be sure, it was an imperfect game. The penalties the Wings took in the third period almost made me lose my damn mind, not to mention the fact that the Canucks scored within the first 30 seconds of the puck drop.

No matter how happy the game made me (exact description: happier than Kurt Warner at a Jesuslovefest), it's important to keep in mind that it's just one game, and in no way is the team out of the woods. It's a long season, we're only in October, we've got a long way to go.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Pavel Freakin' Datsyuk. Holy shit. I looked for a video last night of this goal and couldn't find one. Today, we're in luck. Here is a beautiful goal, his first of the season, straight from Datsyuk's playbook:





I know I've bitched, ad nauseum, about how Pasha needed to score in every game ever, so it's obvious that I missed watching him do his thing and score amazing goals like this, but wow--watching him do this never fails to amaze me.

2. Jimmy Howard came up huge last night. It's unfortunate that Chris Osgood had the worst night ever, but pulling him was totally the right call, and I am ecstatic that Babcock did it so early. Had he not, it would have only gotten worse from there. (How much did I want to light myself on fire after the Canucks scored their 2nd goal? On a scale of 1-10, -----> infinity.)

3. The Scrappy Octopi, while watching the game last night, looked at each other during the 3rd period flurry and remarked, "Has Homer been on the ice for every single goal scored by the Wings?" Although statistically not true, it sure felt that way. (Oh, and anyone who thinks that goaltender interference should have been called when Homer was shoved into Luongo after Kronwall's goal was in the net should kiss my ass.)

4. I can't believe Brett Lebda actually lifted the net up and out of the ice. I'm not even mad; I'm impressed. (Thank you, Anchorman.)

5. How much did I want to physically harm Brad Stuart for the boarding penalty at that crucial moment during the third period? On a scale of 1-10, -------> infinity^infinity. I thought the hit was a little shady--not that Stuart intended to board him, but it was a close call.

6. Todd Bertuzzi is bound to get a goal one of these days. I would gladly give 10 years off my life, however, if in the interim, we don't have to hear the adjective "snakebitten"; it reminds me too much of everyone's description of Datsyuk during the playoffs, and it gives me nightmares.

7. Brian is funny. Per an email from him:

Sadly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL said the last 5 of the game will need to be replayed. Brad Watson phoned the league at 3am and said he intended to blow the last Wings goal dead. This sucks :(

8. I giggle with wreckless abandon every time I hear the name Mason Raymond now. Can't you just picture him putting in a chaw before he goes on the ice? Or retreating to his deer stand after games? Brian likes to picture him with camo skates on. I couldn't find a picture of this, but I did find a picture of this:

Come on, it's a car painted in a camo pattern and it's a Camaro. That would fetch you at least $1K at a yard sale around these parts. Or you could go park it at the high school and snag some jail bait. I'm just saying.

***

All right, Michigan inhabitants, I'm going to post something at the end of all my posts directing you to another post in which I beseech you for your opinion on a hotel The Scrappy Octopi are considering for our December jaunt to Detroit. Just a quick yes or no on whether the place in question is sketchy. I will do this on every post; I have no pride...or shame.

PashaPashaPasha

Wings beat Canucks, 5-4.

Pavel Datsyuk scores two goals and one assist.


More to follow tomorrow. Imperfect (and definitely interesting) game, but nonetheless, am on cloud nine for the night.

Wings @ Canucks tonight.

The Wings take on the Canucks in Vancouver tonight at 10 p.m. Eastern (sigh).

First: Please, please, please help out The Scrappy Octopus decide where it's going to park itself during its trek to Detroit in December by reading this post and commenting with helpful recommendations. So far, the only suggestions are (A) a zamboni and (B) Aaron Downey's potato farm, the former of which isn't very feasible, and the latter of which is just my imagination running away with me.

***

And now, The Scrappy Octopus's lameass version of a preview, in the form of a worst-case scenario list.

Things That Are Worse Than Discovering Your Boyfriend Has a Penchant for Vampire Vag in a Can*

1. Mikael Samuelsson scores a hat trick and not a single one of his shots ends up in another time zone.

2. The Wings get beaten by a team whose mascot is this:

3. The Wings get beaten by a guy who is the proud owner of the most redneck name in all of hockey, Mason Raymond. (I can totally say that; I'm from West Virginia.) Also, he looks like this:

4. The Wings get beaten by a guy who is the proud owner of the second most redneck name in all of hockey, Willie Mitchell. Here's a picture of him knuckle-pillaging his nose:

*Or, for boys who like girls, Things That Are Worse Than Discovering The Hard Way That Your Handy Vag in a Can Has Morphed Into a Vampire Vag (Ouch)