Doing the Grownup.

Wow, this is the first Wednesday that's come along where we haven't been completely inebriated (see: St. Patrick's Day) or completely limp-dick useless (see: H2H week).

So, here it is, Wednesday, and we actually have two questions for you today. First things first:

Which former Red Wing would you give a solid 5 years off your life to return to the team?

Without a doubt, I choose Aaron Fucking Downey.

Ever since I started this site, I wanted to do a tribute to Downey, and after bonding with Chris from NOHS at H2H about our mutual love for the guy, I decided now's as good a time as any to do it.

Downey is one of the most ridiculously entertaining fighters ever. Look at the way he just straight up wails on his opponents. I dare you to start watching clips of his fights and be able to turn away any time within the next two hours. In fact, I'm only posting two of them here:





Also, he is obviously the best ever at conversating for a few:



Finally, did we mention he's a phenomenal dancer?



I miss Aaron's scrapiness on the team; he was one of those old-school players who stand up for their teammates when they're victims of questionable hits. Can you imagine what he would have done to Laraque that time that bastard took out Kronner? And, you know, he actually won fights, even ones that weren't premeditated. (I'm looking at you, Brad May.) I was devastated when the Wings didn't resign him. I'm always looking forward to the day when he comes back. I know, I, for one, will gladly pitch in $10/day to make this happen.

And now, to commemorate the very real fire that burns in my heart for Downey (seriously, Aaron, if you're reading this, hit us up at TheScrappyOctopus@gmail.com to discuss dancing with some real pros), here's a long-distance dedication:

Wings @ Blackhawks tonight.

Yeah, yeah: We totally took a pass at writing any sort of game preview of the Dallas Stars game. It's just that...we got nearly two feet of snow, and playing in that is infinitely more exciting than writing about the Dallas Stars, whom I consider one of the most yawn-inducing teams in the Conference. I guess that's why they have ice girls, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, if you want a recap for yesterday's game, here it is: Pavel Datsyuk wiped up both ends of the ice with the faces of every single person on the Stars' roster. Tomas Holmstrom scored a magnificent goal. The Homer/Datsyuk/Bertuzzi line played a solid game yesterday. Brad May actually kicked someone's ass. Time stood still. Jimmy let in a couple of softies. Doug Janik looks like the kind of guy who if you let go on a Friday, you'd want to notify security the preceding Monday that this guy means trouble. Toby FlendersonVille Leino had a decent chance...at some point in the game, but you know how much we care about Leino's decent chances over here (if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas). Wings played a decent first period, an absolutely electric second period, and came out flat for the third period. Hey, at least nobody got injured yesterday. Lose to Dallas, 4-3.

***

Wings visit the Windy City tonight for the first time this season. We're also going to see Marian Hossa face the team for the first time since he jumped on board the Chicago bandwagon. I'm ready to see Brad Stuart make wallpaper out of him; he did a pretty good job of doing that to Kopecky back in October, but I hear Kopecky is still standing, so if Stuart could go ahead and finish that job, it would be fanfuckingtastic.

Should be an interesting game. Chicago is on fire right now. I'm tempted to make the requisite "Oh, if we drop this one, it's only because we're playing back-to-back road games or because we're so injury-ridden, blah, blah, blah", but instead, I'm going to quote rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion.

I've sent a little memo to the Wings. It's not a big deal or anything, but I thought I'd stick it on here and maybe pump up the morale for tonight's game. Here goes:

Dear Red Wings,

Hey, it's your favorite Scrappy Octopus here. Just wanted to send you a little note of encouragement to say good luck tonight against the Blackhawks. I don't have to tell you how symbolically important your meetings against the Hawks are to your fanbase.

I did want to point out that in addition to it being five days before Christmas, it's also the day before my birthday. And since you're not sending me Aaron Downey in a box (unless it's going to be a late delivery, right on my birthday, and not to be bratty, but I did specifically request an entire week with him, not just one day), you really owe it to me to go ahead and win tonight. If tonight goes poorly, it will ruin my birthday and my chances of living a productive year. Also, I will promptly light myself on fire. So there, you all have all of that on your consciences.

Much love to you all! Stay positive.

XO, Me

Let's. Go. Wings.

A Very Scrappy Christmas

Holy crap, I'm in love. (Wings @ BJs tonight.)

Sorry, Aaron Downey. I never thought I'd end our imaginary relationship this way, via blog post, but I have to move on immediately.

I've found a better prospect. If you guys don't ever read this blog again after today, I'll understand, but please, do yourself the favor of going here to watch this, single-handedly the most amazing Columbus Blue Jackets fan in the history of the cosmos. I'm unbelievably perturbed that embedded has been disabled, but I promise, it's 20 seconds of your life that you will not wish you had back. Just know that I have already called dibs on this new love of my life.

***

So, yes, the Wings take on the Blue Jackets/BJs/Blowjays tonight in Columbus. I have no solid beef with this team, except that they're in the Central Division, their coach is Ken Hitchcock, Antoine Vermette plays for them, their logo makes me suspect they stole it from the dumpster outside Disney's PR office, and they're in the state of Ohio. Hmm. Maybe I should rephrase. I have no use for this team other than Rick Nash. But at least I don't hate them.

***

The Jackets are currently 6th(!) in the Western Conference and 2nd in the Central Division, with 20 points. The Wings are in 11th place overall and 3rd place in conference, but are only three points behind at 17. Eh. Howard's starting in goal, Williams is out for approximately 8 weeks, and I'm not sure what to expect out of this game, but I'm honestly ok with that. Having no expectations is better sometimes. What I hope for is the same thing for every game, that the Wings leap out of the gate at full speed, put points on the board early, and maintain pressure for 60 minutes of play. Is that so much to ask?

In order to get pumped up for the game, I'm going to take a little stroll down memory lane and relive some of the Blue Jackets' magic over the past six months or so. Care to join me?

***

I don't think Detroit would do anything in drag racing, because they would never pass the Christmas tree test. They would be red-lighted (for a false start) every time because their wingers cheat. So we're going to cheat just like they are. (On) the power-play goal they scored, their winger went in (early); good for him. We're going to do the same thing. It'll be interesting to see who gets kicked out (of the faceoff circle) first. --the illustrious Ken Hitchcock during last year's playoffs

I don't want to just stay in the (playoff) mix. I want to go and chase Detroit (atop the Central Division). I'm tired of watching Detroit in first place. I'd like to chase them. I mean, somewhere along the line, somebody's got to make them bleed, and it might as well be us. --the illustrious Ken Hitchcock prior to the start of the current season

You know, at this point, it isn't even about what happens on the ice. Because let's be honest, if Ken Hitchcock promises to chase anything and is threatening violence, we should all get the fuck out of the way, because nobody wants to get between a man and his donuts. It's just asking for pain.



***

He just used me like pony. He was on top of me. I don't like being the pony. I want to be on top. --the incomparable Pavel Datsyuk on Antoine Vermette's piggyback antics during last year's playoffs

Here's to you, Antoine Vermette, you rascal, you:



***

The puck drops tonight at 7 p.m. Anticipate magic and mayhem, as I'm sure the H-cock has gotten his squad riled up for the organizations' first meetup since the Wings swept them last spring. Oh, and a note about the tags--despite what happens in the standings this year, I'm never changing it from "St. Lounashbus bullshit" because that's just how I roll. They will always be one gigantic clusterfuck in my mind's eye.

Latent hypocrisy due to the current standings be damned. This blog has no qualms regarding its sanctimonious behavior and takes full responsibility for its asshat projections. I guess that answers any lingering questions about the potential of a Saintly Octopus. Ha!

Wings @ Canucks tonight.

The Wings take on the Canucks in Vancouver tonight at 10 p.m. Eastern (sigh).

First: Please, please, please help out The Scrappy Octopus decide where it's going to park itself during its trek to Detroit in December by reading this post and commenting with helpful recommendations. So far, the only suggestions are (A) a zamboni and (B) Aaron Downey's potato farm, the former of which isn't very feasible, and the latter of which is just my imagination running away with me.

***

And now, The Scrappy Octopus's lameass version of a preview, in the form of a worst-case scenario list.

Things That Are Worse Than Discovering Your Boyfriend Has a Penchant for Vampire Vag in a Can*

1. Mikael Samuelsson scores a hat trick and not a single one of his shots ends up in another time zone.

2. The Wings get beaten by a team whose mascot is this:

3. The Wings get beaten by a guy who is the proud owner of the most redneck name in all of hockey, Mason Raymond. (I can totally say that; I'm from West Virginia.) Also, he looks like this:

4. The Wings get beaten by a guy who is the proud owner of the second most redneck name in all of hockey, Willie Mitchell. Here's a picture of him knuckle-pillaging his nose:

*Or, for boys who like girls, Things That Are Worse Than Discovering The Hard Way That Your Handy Vag in a Can Has Morphed Into a Vampire Vag (Ouch)