Jimmy's facial to Sid? Icing on a sweet cake.

Would everyone out there agree that this was the single best game the Wings have played this season? I know the snap judgment in society dictates that everything that just happened is the biggest, best thing of all time, but tonight's game was a total and complete effort. 60 minutes of badass, we're the Detroit Red Wings and we're going to dick punch you until we're bored, and then we're going to give you the old Cleveland Steamer for shits and giggles (you may be asking "Who would provide the steamer?" I'm glad you asked. Brett Lebda. You can just tell by looking at him. Doesn't make him a bad person, just different).

My thoughts on tonight's game:

1. Nice game by, oh, everyone. I literally have nothing to complain about. Even in victories I can usually find something to nitpick. Not tonight.

2. Jimmy should've had the shutout. Damned weirdass bounce in front. Oh well. He'll have to settle for a win against the asshat Penguins. Good consolation prize.

3. I know he didn't have two goals tonight, but Datsyuk was just amazing on the ice tonight. During one of the power plays, he was kind of a one-man power play out there with chance after chance. He created, he took control of the game, and onwed that shit tonight. Good on him.

4. Derek Meech had a good game in limited ice time. Did you read that correctly Pens? DEREK MEECH looked serviceable against you tonight. As a forward. The position he does NOT play on the regular.

5. This was the first Vs. broadcast we've seen this season due to the petty, childish Direct TV/Comcast feud (for the record - TSO was extremely pro Direct TV, as Comcast is the devil). Pens vs. Wings, you would expect, oh, I dunno, an NBC style broadcast......didn't happen. No excessive fawning over the Pens. The Red Wings got mentioned, so that was nice. But Doc and Edzo were.....good. Which makes me appreciate how shitty NBC's coverage of hockey is. I mean, for me, I didn't have much to compare it to. Vs was blacked out all season and I've never had it before. Local Fox Sports and Comcast sports channels do a good job. But kudos to Vs. It was also nice to NOT see Pierre McGuire or Milbury.

6. Good game Wings. Jimmy, Z, Pav, everyone.

On a totally separate note, H2H is fast around the corner. Since this might be the last time I post before then (unless that crafty Nat talks me into another game recap!), I just wanted to express how exciting this is. I mainly thought of all this tonight because I just reserved our car for the trip (full size baby because TSO is stylin'). Charity, hockey, and a chance to hang with the best blog community in the world.......amazing. I mean, folks chipped in, and now we're shipping up a guy from Brazil to see a Wings game! AND we raised a bunch of money for charity. AND Michael Petrella is going to wear a fabulous Bert tribute shirt. Life is good. Can't wait to meet everyone!

I effing hate Ville Leino.

You know why?

(A) Because everybody expected greatness out of him. And he's been anything but. I've given him compliments on this blog for the rare moments of talent that he shows. But more often than not, he attempts these cute little moves that result in nothing. NOTHING. I was actually glad last night when he passed the puck to Zetterberg during his breakaway because even if you gave that motherfucker a backhoe, Leino wouldn't be able to bury anything.

(B) He's a defensive liability. He can't hold on to the puck worth a good god damn. If an opponent so much as bumps him, it results in a turnover. As a Detroit fan, this is far from good enough. Our players are expected to be strong on both ends of the ice. Which brings me to...

(C) He is not a two-way player. At all. Except last night when he did such a great job covering Nik Antropov. Brian's recap of last night's shitshow does a great job listing suggestions for Leino other than "Calder nominee", which at this point, just sounds like a cruel joke we've made on ourselves.

(D) Remember how psyched we were at the beginning of the season? This guy had so much determination; he threatened to jump ship to Europe if he got assigned to Grand Rapids this year. We were sure that he was one of the main characters who would step up to provide offensive power this season. Ha.

I don't care that I'm probably in the vast minority with this one. I know a lot of people hate Bertuzzi; I'm actually ambivalent toward him. It's maddening how many turnovers Bert allows, but he's also capable of making beautiful and timely defensive plays, which is more than most people, including me, expected from him. Leino doesn't even do that. Most of the time, he's just invisible on the ice. He's this year's Tomas Kopecky; perhaps he's a little more naturally gifted than Kopecky, but it very rarely amounts to anything significant on the ice, so what difference does it actually make?

In order to extricate himself from my shit list, he needs to produce. Now. He has played in 22 games, but has only produced five points. By comparison, Valtteri Filppula, who only played half that number of games before his injury, has six points. Jesus Christ, even Brett Lebda has four points. Bert has nine points. Fucking Todd Bertuzzi! I'm going to stop writing this before my head explodes. Hope you all are enjoying your holiday. For Black Friday, I'm buying myself a fifth of Jack to gear down for the pair of games this weekend.

Memo to the NHL: Suspend Laraque immediately.

And I don't want to hear anybody's bullcrap about how Georges Laraque "accidentally" stuck his knee in Kronwall's path. Honestly, I would rather hear my boyfriend admit that he cheated on me by "accidentally" having somebody fall on his dick. That statement is less ridiculous than the former.

There is no instance when a hockey player should stick his knee out, aligning it with another hockey player's knee. No decent or legal check or hit results from doing that. End. Of. Story.

Per Puck Daddy, a quote from the gentleman in question:

There were four refs on the ice and they didn't call anything," Laraque said. "If they called a match penalty it would be different. There was no intent. There was no reason why I would try to go and hurt him. It was a pure accident, that's why they called it tripping, so I'm not worried at all.

There was no "intent". I love it. You know, I kind of have that same thing, when I walk down the street, and I just stick my leg out and trip up fellow passers-by. It's an uncontrollable spasm; I can't help it.

Oh, and I'm certainly "worried". Officially joining other Wings' bloggers on this one: I'm not sure the universe can handle the horribleness of Brett Lebda and Derek Meech on the same line. Taking it a step further, I'm pissed at Jonathan Ericsson's performance as of late, so the thought of Meech being paired with him makes me want to grab a wire coat hanger and abort myself.

Getting back to the issue at hand, though, I wonder if there's anything else out there that can help us shed some light onto the situation at hand. If only Georges Laraque had his own website. Wait, what's this? Holy shit, Georges Laraque has his own website!

To describe myself, well I have to say you will rarely see me anywhere without a big smile on my face. I love to laugh, makes jokes, I’m actually quite the prankster and as annoying as it gets sometimes on people, I like to entertain. When I'm somewhere in a big group, you know that I'm there! lol!

Like, OMFG. He sounds, like, such an awesome guy! Maybe we should totally hang out! I wonder if he also enjoys long, romantic walks on the beach? I am, like, totally the prankster in my group of friends, too! One time, I totally saran-wrapped my BFF's toilet seat at a sleepover. Hehehe! She was SO mad, she was like, OMFG, you biatch! (SWF, 23 YO, BRO hair, BLU eyes...call me, lova).

What I do on the ice is definitely not the type of person I am off the ice, I hate violence.

Yay! Because I was really worried that he might try to go all Tonya Harding on me in the bedroom, and while I'm not exactly a prude, I'm certainly not down for any out of control S&M, B&D, BDSM, CBT, D/s, or TT. ROFLMAOCOPTER.

Another thing about me is that I'm brutally honest. I always say something the way it is. I'm never afraid to speak my mind. You would say that in real life, it could be a good thing at times, but when you're a professional athlete, it’s not always a good thing in the eyes of many people, but I don't care. I don't like the cliché answer and don’t always say what's politically correct. I think the fans have the right to hear the truth and the way you feel at all times and over the years, many people know that about me and you can earn a lot of respect that way.

Ever noticed that people who call themselves "brutally honest" are usually total assholes? Think about it. Anyone I've ever heard of in my entire life who says, "I'm brutally honest" usually means they're about to say something shitty--or will say something shitty in the near future--and don't want their relationship with the recipient of the shitty comment to suffer any damage because, alas, they forewarned said person that they're brutally honest, and that's the way it is. It's like that bullshit T-shirt slogan or bumper sticker that skankbags tote that says, "I'm a bitch and proud of it." (I hope you're picturing a person with trailer blonde hair, glittery eyeshadow, and a baby tee at least 5 times too small because that's what I'm working with over here.) Yeah. You might be a bitch and proud of it, but guess what. Everyone fucking hates you. They just pretend to be nice because they're afraid of suffering the wrath, i.e., getting eaten.

I believe in God and pray regularly, I try everyday to be a good Christian and try to help as many people as I can.

Hmm. Well, if you get suspended, maybe you just didn't pray hard enough because God definitely always takes your side, right? Oops. Oh, and proclaiming yourself a "good Christian" when you have a history of being a dickface in the public realm does nothing to negate your dickface history; it just makes you look like more of a dickface.

I would actually recommend three movies for you to watch (down below) that have made a big change in my life. I truly believe that if you watch them it will help your life goals and dreams! And always remember, live your life to the fullest, we only live once!

Movies:
- Pay it Forward
- The Secret
- Deepak Chopra
- 7 Laws of Success

That's actually two movies, one book, and one crazy writer. How can we expect Laraque to understand the rules on the ice when he can't even master counting or differentiating between living persons and inanimate objects? Asshole.

Wings contract cat scratch fever; lose 2-1

That subject is an homage to the Scrappy Octopus; I know she would've wanted it that way. She isn't so scrappy tonight; more like the "sick/drowsy/drugged up/dysentery ridden" Octopus tonight, so once again, the B team is here.

Tonight's game recap is tough. I had this post planned out in my head all throughout the first two periods, so lets start there. At no point did I ever once feel the game was in jeopardy. The Wings came out of the gate dominating the game in a most absurd manner; when I saw the kitty cats had two shots at the end of one I was surprised; I swore I only counted one. Through the second period, I was going to add to the post that the cute little kittens from Florida were the worst team I'd ever seen and demand to start a letter writing campaign to have then contracted. Then, a funny little thing happened....

The Wings, as they are liable to do from time to time, eased the foot off the gas, gave up a goal, went to OT.....and then a loss.

What can you say about that really? This is a meaningless game in November; however, you'd hate to see this continue later, and I think we all worry about that a little.

In an effort to be slightly less wordy, a few random observations:

1. Pavel Datsyuk played well tonight. I'm sorry I doubted you. Except I'm not, because you were invisible the other day.

2.Clemmensen played a great game. He also has a sweet helmet.

3. The Big Rig kinda looked like maybe he had a flat or something. Seeing him this season is so very different from watching him in the playoffs last year. I hope he figures it out. Maybe he needs a tune-up? Can someone direct that man to the nearest Pep Boys?

4. One of my favorite scapegoats, Brett Lebda, was adequate tonight. This may seem bad, however, generally I would rate him somewhere between "complete dumpster fire" and "man, someone needs to take him out behind the woodshed". So this is complementary. A game not spent pining for Derek Meech is almost as good as a victory. Almost.

5. The good folks over at Nightmare on Helm Street made a great point in their preview today; stating that they could name maybe 4 Florida Panthers (number not exact; I'm too lazy for fact-checking). Prior to tonight's game, I could've named:

Tomas Vokoun
Scott Clemmensen
Stephen Weiss
Nathan Hoton
That Olesz guy
The guy that got killed by Brad Richards

My knowledge base did not expand much. Corey Stillman is still alive, so that's good. And their coach has a sort of creepy molester vibe. Whatever.

Canadiens tomorrow night. Go Wings.

Part 2 - Wings triumph over Canucks, 5-4.

To be sure, it was an imperfect game. The penalties the Wings took in the third period almost made me lose my damn mind, not to mention the fact that the Canucks scored within the first 30 seconds of the puck drop.

No matter how happy the game made me (exact description: happier than Kurt Warner at a Jesuslovefest), it's important to keep in mind that it's just one game, and in no way is the team out of the woods. It's a long season, we're only in October, we've got a long way to go.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Pavel Freakin' Datsyuk. Holy shit. I looked for a video last night of this goal and couldn't find one. Today, we're in luck. Here is a beautiful goal, his first of the season, straight from Datsyuk's playbook:





I know I've bitched, ad nauseum, about how Pasha needed to score in every game ever, so it's obvious that I missed watching him do his thing and score amazing goals like this, but wow--watching him do this never fails to amaze me.

2. Jimmy Howard came up huge last night. It's unfortunate that Chris Osgood had the worst night ever, but pulling him was totally the right call, and I am ecstatic that Babcock did it so early. Had he not, it would have only gotten worse from there. (How much did I want to light myself on fire after the Canucks scored their 2nd goal? On a scale of 1-10, -----> infinity.)

3. The Scrappy Octopi, while watching the game last night, looked at each other during the 3rd period flurry and remarked, "Has Homer been on the ice for every single goal scored by the Wings?" Although statistically not true, it sure felt that way. (Oh, and anyone who thinks that goaltender interference should have been called when Homer was shoved into Luongo after Kronwall's goal was in the net should kiss my ass.)

4. I can't believe Brett Lebda actually lifted the net up and out of the ice. I'm not even mad; I'm impressed. (Thank you, Anchorman.)

5. How much did I want to physically harm Brad Stuart for the boarding penalty at that crucial moment during the third period? On a scale of 1-10, -------> infinity^infinity. I thought the hit was a little shady--not that Stuart intended to board him, but it was a close call.

6. Todd Bertuzzi is bound to get a goal one of these days. I would gladly give 10 years off my life, however, if in the interim, we don't have to hear the adjective "snakebitten"; it reminds me too much of everyone's description of Datsyuk during the playoffs, and it gives me nightmares.

7. Brian is funny. Per an email from him:

Sadly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL said the last 5 of the game will need to be replayed. Brad Watson phoned the league at 3am and said he intended to blow the last Wings goal dead. This sucks :(

8. I giggle with wreckless abandon every time I hear the name Mason Raymond now. Can't you just picture him putting in a chaw before he goes on the ice? Or retreating to his deer stand after games? Brian likes to picture him with camo skates on. I couldn't find a picture of this, but I did find a picture of this:

Come on, it's a car painted in a camo pattern and it's a Camaro. That would fetch you at least $1K at a yard sale around these parts. Or you could go park it at the high school and snag some jail bait. I'm just saying.

***

All right, Michigan inhabitants, I'm going to post something at the end of all my posts directing you to another post in which I beseech you for your opinion on a hotel The Scrappy Octopi are considering for our December jaunt to Detroit. Just a quick yes or no on whether the place in question is sketchy. I will do this on every post; I have no pride...or shame.

Well. I guess it's to be expected.

Per Nightmare on Helm Street, per Ansar Kahn, Pasha will not play tonight.

Holy fuck on a stick. I knew this was going to happen.

The announcement of his injury followed the typical pattern:

1. Yesterday morning: He missed a morning skate, but it's no big deal.

2. Later yesterday: He's "day-to-day", but it's nothing significant.

3. This afternoon: He's not playing tonight.

I hate pessimism and taking things too seriously; that's why I try to look on the bright, or at least humorous, side of things on this blog, so I'm not going to freak out. But I want to light myself on fire. But I won't.

Here are things that need to happen tonight:

1. Henrik Zetterberg needs to score. Immediately.

2. Dan Cleary needs to produce more offensively. He and Z are on the top line together tonight; they need to light it up. Bertuzzi needs to stay consistent with the defensive pressure. If it's just Z doing all the work tonight on that line, I'm going to be super, duper pissed.

3. I feel good about Leino/Filppula/Williams back together on the 2nd line. I liked seeing these guys together during the game against Chicago last week.

4. So excited to see Darren Helm back finally (couldn't watch the game two days ago because DirecTV v. Versus fucking sucks my life away).

5. Homer, Draper and Maltby are together on the 4th line. In the grand scheme of things, I actually don't mind this, either; these guys have played hard, for the most part, and have produced more than people significantly younger. Draper's goal against Chicago the other night was fantastic.

6. Brett Lebda is back, Derek Meech is out. At this point, who gives a shit?

7. I hope the home crowd energizes Ozzie and that he can make a few stellar saves early enough in the game to set the pace.

I can't believe I'm most nervous about the top line. It's as if everything I've ever known and held true has been thrown askew. It's like finding out I'm adopted, Santa Claus isn't real, and Chris Kunitz actually isn't permanently dressed up as a hobgoblin for Halloween, all at the same time. What the hell?

So, last week, in preparation for the battle royale v. the Blackhawks, I used one of my favorite "get pumped" songs, courtesy of Bonecrusher, to set the tone for the game. I feel we need something different today, something a little less gangsta, but equally as hardcore.

I have just the thing: