At least we got rid of Andy Delmore right? A game recap.

As we all saw tonight, the game was absolute shit. The Wings, a team SUPPOSEDLY wanting to make the playoffs, came out and laid down in front of the Canucks. Bam. Loss. This kind of shit can’t happen this late in the season in this spot. It just can’t.

If you read Babcock’s post game comments I think it summarizes well how things went. That having been said, I’d like to present you with Brian’s “You were terrible at hockey tonight and I REALLY wish you’d given a shit, therefore I‘d like to take a shit on your head” list. Similar to a shit list, but less clichéd.

1. Niklas Kronwall. I know you folks love him, and I do as well….but what the fuck tonight, sir?

2. TSN’s announcers. Since the game was on NHL Network we were officially banned from the FSD feed, and TSN’s announcers suck my shit. I hate how they refer to Henrik and Daniel Sedin as “Henrik” or “Daniel”. They have last names, fuck-o. I know it would be difficult to tell apart if you did that, but INCLUDE the first name. It's not that hard.

3. Gary Bettman. Permanent inclusion on any biggest villian/needs to be on the business end of my runs list.

4. Jonathan Ericsson. Has he played hockey before?

5. Todd Bertuzzi. I’ll turn coat this quick - I’m not extremely con-Tuzzi. But he could not have been a bigger sack of useless out there. If he had tried to just do something simple, like...be a table tonight...he would’ve found a way to fuck that up, too. I’m convinced he should not be paid more than $12.75 an hour. For anything.

Having mentioned what a fuckwad Bert was tonight, and the trade deadline having just passed, I’d like to present my SECOND LIST-- things I would take in return in a trade for Todd Bertuzzi:

1. Any draft pick
2. 8 hockey sticks
3. Subway coupons
4. Pulled pork BBQ sandwich
5. Postage to mail him wherever he gets sent
6. Mange
7. Scabies
8. George W. Bush
9. Tim Cheveldae
10. A copy of Mariah Carey’s movie Glitter

The list could go on. A quick note of clarification about the pulled pork BBQ sandwich--it doesn’t even have to be a good one. A microwave one is fine. We’re desperate.

"Recap" & Waylon Wednesday.

So, there was a game last night. Against the St. Louis Blues. No, we didn't watch it. Versus + dial-up internet at home = no dice for such games. But here's what we learned from monitoring the game summary and reading other people's recaps:

1. We earned a point last night because the game went to OT, and, eventually, a shootout. Commence celebrations in the form of nipple clamping and bukkake sandwiches.

2. According to The Triple Deke and The Production Line, Johan Franzen rocked a sweet mustache. And in addition to feeling distraught over missing the Mule's first game back since his 1,247-year-long stint on IR (no, seriously, doesn't it feel like it's been that long?), we're equally disturbed we missed out on that, as well. After all, TSO is your one-stop shop for all things mustache rides and dirty Sanchezes, which are a form of mustache, if you think about it. (Go ahead and think about it. You know you want to.)

3. Further according to TPL (in a guest post written by Chris Hollis of Motown Wings and The Obstructed View fame), Henrik Zetterberg should not be allowed in a shootout ever again. Not seeing the game last night, I can't judge his effort; however, he has not had a particularly strong year when it comes to shootouts. Ballin' B and I talked about this yesterday while we awaited the results of the riveting game summary during the shootout (refreshes every 30 seconds for your convenience). The last time I saw, his shootout success rate hovered somewhere in the early 30% range. Far be it for me to question seriously Babcock's judgment in selecting his shooters (oh, puh-leeze, like anybody takes this site seriously, anyway), but it does get frustrating to watch the same players fail to convert time and time again (ahem, Dan Cleary, during all the injuries, way back about 3+ weeks ago). Then again, how shitty would it be if Babcock replaced his star players with under-the-radar guys and still came up short? Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other. Shootouts suck; I have no problem watching other teams participate in them, but when it comes to the Wings, my heart sinks every time the OT clock winds down.

4. Jimmy Howard stopped 42 of 45 shots on goal last night, including the 5:00 of OT. Twenty of those shots were in the first period. The mind fucking reels.

5. Kris Draper's persistence as of late paid off last night in the form of scoring the first goal of the game.

Questions I have for people who caught the game:

1. How the fuck did Todd Bertuzzi manage to commit a penalty only 0:28 into the game? Did somebody urinate on his skates? Threaten to force him into a glass-bottom boat scenario? Taunt him with accusations of his mom smelling like cheese?

2. Brad May got into a fight. How did that work out?

And that's all I really want to know. No, seriously. We're going to adopt the motto of the drag queen/transvestite in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil: "Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it." The Wings take on the Sharks on Thursday. Go big or go...home? How does that work if they're already at home? I guess it's go big or leave home, in that case? Whatev. Our satellite is still jacked up (SNOWPOCALYPSE!--no, really, we now have 4+ feet of snow and counting...I'm 99% sure I'm going to build an igloo and live in it for free or else charge someone for all my construction labor), so you may get another fantastic recap like this one or one of our oh-so-awesome real recaps when we watch it and still have nothing productive to say. Gear down!

***

Let's get to the point with our Wednesday question. This one's been asked all over the blogosphere, plus we delved into it the other week in our Wednesday comments, but it's hard not to bring it up formally since we're only two days away from the Opening Ceremony:

Which men's ice hockey team do you hope wins Olympic gold?

This is a toughie for me; I've been all over the place with my loyalties. Obviously, I'm an American and would be proud of my home country for winning the gold, despite Patrick Kane's craterfaced presence on the team. (No, seriously, there are no cab rides involved in ferrying the players about Vancouver, right? Just checking. Don't embarrass the stars and stripes, assfuck, or you'll have a lot to answer for 'round these parts.) We've got Rafalski on the roster, plus players TSO likes in the form of Ryan Miller, Tim Thomas, Jonathan Quick, and Jack Johnson. On the other hand, we also have Brooks Orpik, who annoys us only because he plays for Pittsburgh, and Ryan Whitney, who plays for the Ducks and has a girl's last name. I'll be happy enough if Team USA nabs the gold, but I won't be surprised if they don't because the competition is stiff.

Like many of you, the only thing I care about regarding Team Canada is Stevie Y and Babcock. Other than that, the team at large makes me ralph. Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf (who may return from his injury for some of the games), Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger, Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook, Corey Perry, and Dany Heatley? Words fail me. How are Canadians dealing with this level of code red douchiness? I know Olympic gold is more important to our neighbors to the north than sex, air, or water but...blehhhhhhhh.

Team Sweden is stacked with winners, never mind the controversial snub of one Johan Franzen. Despite the annoying Sedins' presence on the roster, it's damn near impossible to find any reason to dislike the blue-and-yellow rascals, considering how many Wings made the cut. The only thing is...they've already won the gold.

Other than being inherently biased toward Team USA, I'm rooting for Team Russia. Their roster is stacked with fantastic NHL-ers: Our own Pavel Datsyuk, plus Ovie, Semin, Kovalchuk, SNB, Nabokov, and Bryzgalov. The only downer is that Russian gold means Malkin and Gonchar benefit, which is a bonafide tragedy, but really, I would love to see Pasha with a gold medal.

In any event, there's obviously a lot to root for--and against--each particular "powerhouse" team. Any of the aforesaid four countries taking home top honors will bring some sort of happiness, as well as a teeny, tiny iota of strife, to our lives. One thing I think we can all agree on is hoping that Team Slovakia is a wash; Marian Hossa, Marian Gaborik, and Tomas Kopecky with a gold medal in their hands? I'd rather watch somebody sign my own death certificate.

And now, a little mood music...because nothing gets me fired up for Team America (fuck, yeah!) quite like Waylon:

Wings try to lose, still win 4-3.

If you have some sort of heart condition, this team will probably have you dead before the playoffs. I hate to be the one to break that to you.

Let us start with the good:

The Wings tried for THIRTY WHOLE MINUTES!!!!! Seriously!!!!

Jimmy made some game-saving saves.

Todd Bertuzzi didn't take a dumb penalty.

A win is a win, I guess, right? Right? Why do I not feel good about tonight's game? Oh, right, because the Wings, while dominating the first period, were only ahead 1-0. Todd Bertuzzi could've had a hat trick; instead, that goon can't even get breakaway shots off. What a dolt.

Anyway, here are some of TSO's thoughts on tonight's game:

1. Again, good game by Jimmy. Not an "I'm Jimmy Howard and I'm going to own this game like it was a cock" (TSO=big Kevin Smith fan) type game, but good. He made many key saves and was huge in the shootout.

2. Natalie's take on Ville in the shootout: "He made me shit my pants. Runny." Her words, not mine.

3. There needs to be some kind of consequence for Babcock placing Dan Cleary in shootouts. Maybe I agree to TP his house anytime he pulls that shit. It should never happen. Ever. If he is the last guy.....maybe you put him in. Or maybe you let a backup goalie have a shot. I'm just saying.

4. Bert, seriously, what the hell? TSO is in the Pro-Tuzzi camp, but after the first period, though he scored a goal, I was VERY in the Con-Tuzzi camp.

5. Seriously, though, do you think Pavel Datsyuk loves or hates playing with Bert? They have chemistry, but do you think Datsyuk has started drinking harder because despite his best setup effort, Bert can't quite seem to bury much? Good lord.

6. Actual comment made by me during the game (after the third Detroit goal the PA played the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again") - "Why are they playing that? They don't need to worry about it. Backstrom won't get fooled again. The Wings will take their foot off the gas and not do anything else offensively." I didn't quite think they'd collapse like that though.

7. Seriously, this inability to finish is maddening. This would never happen if Franzen were still alive.

8. Darren Helm doesn't really ever have bad games, does he? Man-crush on Helm is intensifying by the day. Why isn't HE in the shootout?

TSO needs to go check out the next-to-last evening Tonight Show antics (and probably fall asleep after 30 seconds). A win is a win, right?

Wings cock punch Sharks, win 4-1

How do you follow up one of the best goaltending exhibitions that most people have seen (myself not included, as I went to bed, as I am old and work super early in the morning)? You dominate the second-best team in hockey.

After a fairly even first period, the Wings dominated the remainder of the game, rattling off four unanswered goals. It was kind of a needed performance after allowing poor Jimmy to get shelled against the Kings. The defense looked decent, the offense looked good. In this game, the team looked closer to the Red Wings we're used to and against a good Sharks team. That's encouraging. As usual when I fill in, a few observations from the game:

1. It's fun to watch Jimmy grow this season. Opinions in the preseason ranged somewhere between "Let's give the kid a chance" to "I wonder if Beachball Cloutier will still be available after he fails". To be fair, it was easy to doubt. This kid has stepped up. It's almost to the point where you don't really know what else can be said. Great game by Jimmy. Again. The game looks easy for him right now.

2. Also fun to watch - the evolution of Darren Helm. I hope this kid is around for a long time.

3. 70 goals Heatley, while having a good season, is going to have to pick up the pace a bit, isn't he?

4. Thank you, St. Louis. I know it's early, but being in 9th is worrisome anytime.

5. Non-Red Wing related, this video is fun! Kick ass Russian fighting.

6. I did not think Dan Cleary had wicked, well-placed wrist shots in him.

7. My thoughts on this team overall - right now, I know we're in ninth, but this team is endearing, isn't it? I mean, we're all Wings fans, and we have our favorite moments. Yzerman's toughness, the Russian Five, Hasek, Bowman, et al. This year's team is interesting and chocked full of all kinds of stories. This is the closest I've seen the Wings to being a team of "cast-offs". Look at some of the players who have stepped up. Todd Bertuzzi, bane of TPL's existence, has stepped up in a big way with everyone injured. Tomas Holmstrom, given up for dead by so many (sadly? I'm slightly guilty of this. I love him, but I was worried he was done after last year), has hooked himself up to the rejuvenation machine. The evolution of Darren Helm from young spark plug to dynamic force you can't take your eyes off of (lest you miss something amazing). Young players like Abdelkader stepping up before they're ready. Cast-offs, people who were either waived during the season (Drew Miller), getting no offers in the off-season (Bert, Doug Janik), or completely given up on (think Carolina wishes they had Patrick Eaves)? They're really hanging around with this crew? This year's team is gritty. The fact that the Wings are even 9th right now in the West is largely due to coaching and leadership. We're lucky to have Uncle Mike and company and a great front office who time and time again find these spare parts on the scrap heap.

I guess what I'm saying here is this is a team I'll remember, what they've overcome and how they've hung in there. Maybe Jimmy is our goalie of the future; maybe he's Jim Carrey. Maybe some of our young players won't pan out. Maybe some of these guys who are around this year will flame out. One thing is for sure - this is a team I'll remember, and I like where they're headed. They are playing good, sound, tough hockey. Missing all the players they've missed, and they survive. This team is going to be even more ready to go once players start trickling in from IR. By the time Franzen gets back, everyone SHOULD be healthy, and won't that be around the time this team is hitting its stride? You think the top folks in the West want to play this team in the first round?

Next year's team is going to look different from this one. I'm certainly enjoying this year's team, though. This was a good win tonight. Go Wings.

Victory in the U-S-A Coincides with Wings Failing to Roast Ducks

The good news from last night? Team USA won the Gold Medal in the World Juniors Championship game against Canada, triumphing 6-5 in an overtime thriller. Truth be told, we watched the end of regulation and the approximately four minutes of overtime instead of watching most of the first period of the Wings game. Coincidentally, we switched back to the Wings game just in time to witness both of the Ducks' first period goals. Sigh.

A note on Team USA's victory: What a game. Seriously, I haven't seen that fast-paced and competitive of a game in...I'm not sure how long. Both team's defenses played extremely tightly, and play intensified during the third period, with little stoppage until the Americans got called with one of those irritating penalties resulting from a player being shoved into the opposing goaltender by another member of the opposing team. The Canadians scored two goals within a minute of one another late in the third period to force an uber exciting overtime.

A small taste of Olympic fever next month? Sign me up for being super excited.

Now, on to the Wings/Ducks game. We've seen the Wings put forth apathetic efforts in their recent losses; we've also seen them look tired and lethargic. But it's been a while since we've witnessed a game this utterly sloppy. My thoughts, as categorized thusly, in an attempt to begin formulating some sort of logical recap format:

The bright light at the end of the tunnel turned out not to be a train...at first.

In a game in which your team loses 4-1, you've gotta give the best moment of the night to the goalscorer, Valtteri Filppula. Filppula is still "getting back into the groove", as I dubbed his New Year's resolution; it was apparent tonight in his sometimes uneasy skating and handling. His goal, however, on an errant rebound from Jonas Hiller, was a temporary momentum-changer; it's too bad the Ducks scored shortly thereafter to distance the score by two points. This was Fil's first goal since his return five games ago.

I've hit rock bottom. Where's the whiskey?

Choose your own adventure:

1. Saku Koivu notches career goal #200...shorthanded...against us.

2. Brian Rafalski is on the ice and is in some way culpable for all of the Ducks' goals tonight.

3. Corey Perry (bleh) scores a goal after every player ever piles in front of Jimmy Howard.

4. James Wisniewski graces us with his presence with John Keating on FSD+. His day-glo hair singes my retinas.

5. Wings achieve their first loss to the Anaheim Ducks this year in a shitshow of a game.

Scrappiest moment of the night:

When Todd Bertuzzi straight up body-slammed Bobby Ryan. Worth at least 500 points in my book.

Players who didn't piss me off:

1. Valtteri Filppula because he scored the lone goal.

2. Nicklas Lidstrom, who notched an assist on Fil's goal and made crucial defensive moves.

3. Patrick Eaves, who was thisclose to burying a nice breakaway chance.

4. Mattias Ritola, who also created a decent scoring chance.

5. Ville Leino, who watched the game from the rafters.

Players who need to wake the fuck up:

1. Pavel Datsyuk. Although he also earned an assist tonight on Fil's goal, he was largely invisible for most of the game.

2. Brian Rafalski, for the abovesaid.

3. All other defensemen not named Nicklas Lidstrom or Brad Stuart.

Pearls of wisdom from your scrappy grandma:

How do you expect your team to win when they spend 99.9% of the time getting dry humped through the neutral zone?

Once you know, you can never go back.

Well, well. There is something both Derek Meech and Doug Janik excel at, and it's called getting their asses handed to them.

Also, ice melts in Southern California. I know, right? I was as shocked as you are.

Finally, it's nice to see we can still slip into the old patterns of giving a shit for the final 10 minutes of regulation. Because, you know, it would be a shame to squander the game in its entirety.

Power outage: Wings beat Lightning, 3-0.

It's one of those times when I'm not sure how to begin. If you only saw the score, you'd think we'd be thrilled. Further, a couple of milestones were reached tonight: Jimmy Howard earned his first NHL shutout, and Mike Babcock earned his 300th career win.

But when Henrik Zetterberg went down on the ice during the first period, I knew that no matter what the outcome of the game would be, it might not necessarily matter in light of this shitty occurrence. Now we play the game we know so well, the waiting game, until we know for sure how serious the issue is and how long it will take until he returns. Sigh.

A few quick thoughts:

1. Because of the situation with Zetterberg, I didn't really feel like writing this post, but our team's performance tonight warranted recognition of their effort.

2. The three Wings' goals scored tonight were the three most beautiful plays we've seen from the team this season, especially the first goal by Drew Miller, who scored first against the team who let him go so recently. Revenge is sweet, and scoring a goal that fantastic is even sweeter. Todd Bertuzzi scored next on a magnificent pass from my boy Tomas Holmstrom, and Patrick Eaves scored the final goal of the game during a 4-on-4 situation after coming straight from the bench into play.

3. Ville Leino(!) had some great moments tonight, particularly in the first several minutes of the game. Alas, nothing came of it, so I don't particularly care. Score a goal or two, and we'll talk. (Yeah, yeah--I saw his fancy spinaround on the ice during the third period. It was gorgeous. Maybe he'd honor Finland with a gold in men's singles. I wonder how he feels about triple axels.)

4. Watching the three goals scored tonight, especially Miller's, was bittersweet because it made me think how spoiled we are as Wings fans; we used to see these kinds of plays so much more often.

5. Mattias Ohlund is dead to me. Yeah, I know it was a clean hit. Don't particularly care about that, either.

6. The penalty kill looked stellar tonight, once again. I mentioned this in my recap of the Coyotes' game, but it's worth a mention once again: Considering the shitty circumstances, it's easy to forget how much our penalty kill has improved over the end of last year's playoffs through the beginning of this season. This is something to feel good about, especially in light of all the problems we've faced this season.

7. Brian Rafalski's pass to Drew Miller, resulting in an assist on Miller's goal, was a thing of beauty. This kind of 100-foot pass is more of Lidstrom's or Osgood's thing, but Rafalski did it with ease.

8. Per Brian: It's a testament to our coach's ability how well we've been able to hold it together--especially tonight with our future captain and leading playmaker being taken out of the game while we only had a one-goal lead. In addition, I think the fact that the team has managed to stay afloat also says a lot about something we've known all along, but hasn't gotten tested nearly as much as it has this year, which is that the locker room vibe and chemistry our team has with one another has to be very, very strong and optimistic.

***

Update per FSD postgame: Mike Babcock says Zetterberg's injury is to his left shoulder, and he'll be getting an MRI tomorrow. Don't think we're going to top that tonight.

Stars @ Wings tonight.

So, since your Scrappy Octopi were tripping off quaaludes, tryptophan and bourbon, we were too lazy to write a recap for Saturday night's game. First things first:

1. Woo! We won!

2. Homer broke the scoring drought with the first goal of the game.

3. Fucking Todd Bertuzzi! He done went and won us a shootout. That old so-and-so...

4. What in the hell is this universe coming to?



5. And, most importantly, why doesn't Bert still rock this hair? (Dibs for-ev-a.)

***

Wings take on the Dallas Stars at home tonight. Let's hope this meeting goes better than the last.

***

I hope everyone's holiday weekend was spectacular. Mine was ok. I know I am quite possibly the only Wings fan who also cares about U.Va. football (whatever, I went there), but since The Scrappy Octopus is a promoter of all things ridiculous, I have to share this. My Hoos went 3-9 this year, colossally losing the most important game of the season to the fucking horrible team from Blacksburg on Saturday (I'm still crying; I should be used to it, but I'm not, so shut up). Anyway, as predicted (and hoped for, by fans such as myself), coach Al Groh was fired yesterday.

Anyway, at his press conference announcing his getting canned, Groh reads a poem called "The Guy in the Glass." He then goes on to add his own coda: "When I visited the guy in the glass, I saw that he's a guy of commitment, of integrity, of dependability and accountability. He's loyal. His spirit is indomitable. And he is caring and loving. I'm sure I will always call the guy in the glass a friend."

Can you imagine how you would feel if that was your school's head coach, reciting some bullshit like that following his abysmal performance over the last nine years? If that wouldn't make you want to fly, head first, into a gas oven, I'm not sure you're really a true fan.

***

GO WINGS.

Did that first period really just happen?

Did the Flames just score 30 seconds into the game, while Zetterberg, Leino, Lidstrom, and Rafalski were all just standing by, leaving half the net unguarded and essentially screening Ozzie from viewing the play?

Did Homer really just get a penalty for "retaliating" against bullshit from Giordano? The entire audience at Joe Louis Arena saw what happened, as evidenced from the booing. The Scrappy Octopi certainly saw what happened, as evidenced by the fact that we both screamed obscenties and/or barfed blood.

Did Brad Stuart's power play goal really just get disallowed because Dan Cleary was "preventing the goaltender from moving inside the crease" because the fucking heel of his left skate was inside the crease? The fucking left heel?! Did that really just fucking happen? I mean, I'm pretty sure that the laws of physics aren't suspended to the point at which Kiprusoff cannot move to his left if Cleary is standing directly in front of him. I feel like I'm huffing fucking paint here. Since when are we calling this rule into practice for screening in front of the goaltender? I'm at a fucking loss.

Did the referee, standing directly behind the fucking net, really not just call a penatly on Kiprusoff for slashing the back of Homer's calf, causing him to fall down? Again, the entire chorus of spectators saw this go down. We saw it go down on TV. What is happening?!

Did Pavel Datsyuk just inadvertedly redirect the puck into our own net?

Is Todd Bertuzzi trying to set a record for how many times one can go offsides during one period of play? Thanks a mil for breaking up that great rush midway through the first, Bert.

I will give 15 years off my life for the following to happen:

1. The Wings have to get back in this game. They simply have to. This is insanity. They had some decent chances during the power plays, but what happened during the first is just some crazy bullshit. They cannot let this prevent them from coming out swinging in the 2nd.

2. Sometime very soon, can Babcock please break up the abysmal 2nd power play unit of Cleary/Leino/Bertuzzi?! How is this a good idea? Dan Cleary, I get it. He's gritty, and he's the replacement Homer for screening. But Todd Bertuzzi and Ville Leino out there with him at the same time? Leino has the speed of an Amazonian three-toed sloth, and Bert just does absolutely nothing on the power play; the most he's ever going to do is be the 3rd best person on the team for doing what Homer does and Cleary kinda does, which is be the boss at disturbance in the crease. Leino and Bert have no business being on the ice together; the only time this should be allowed is if the Wings win a grueling game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Then they can come out and celebrate together. I'll be ok with that. I'm not even comfortable with them coming out on the ice at the same time to congratulate the goalie after an ordinary win. It's just too much of a recipe for disaster. This unit needs speed and playmakers. Put another one of the youngsters out there and sit Leino and Bert. Jesus Christ, replace everyone with Helm/Draper/anybody young not named Ville Leino. Just give someone else another chance. I'm sick of seeing these three fumblefuck around out there on the power play; every time Datsyuk and Zetterberg vacate the ice, I give up all hope that something's going to get done, unless it comes from the blueline. Speaking of the blueline, why in the fuck is Derek Meech on the 2nd unit?!

Anybody game for taking some double shots?

I effing hate Ville Leino.

You know why?

(A) Because everybody expected greatness out of him. And he's been anything but. I've given him compliments on this blog for the rare moments of talent that he shows. But more often than not, he attempts these cute little moves that result in nothing. NOTHING. I was actually glad last night when he passed the puck to Zetterberg during his breakaway because even if you gave that motherfucker a backhoe, Leino wouldn't be able to bury anything.

(B) He's a defensive liability. He can't hold on to the puck worth a good god damn. If an opponent so much as bumps him, it results in a turnover. As a Detroit fan, this is far from good enough. Our players are expected to be strong on both ends of the ice. Which brings me to...

(C) He is not a two-way player. At all. Except last night when he did such a great job covering Nik Antropov. Brian's recap of last night's shitshow does a great job listing suggestions for Leino other than "Calder nominee", which at this point, just sounds like a cruel joke we've made on ourselves.

(D) Remember how psyched we were at the beginning of the season? This guy had so much determination; he threatened to jump ship to Europe if he got assigned to Grand Rapids this year. We were sure that he was one of the main characters who would step up to provide offensive power this season. Ha.

I don't care that I'm probably in the vast minority with this one. I know a lot of people hate Bertuzzi; I'm actually ambivalent toward him. It's maddening how many turnovers Bert allows, but he's also capable of making beautiful and timely defensive plays, which is more than most people, including me, expected from him. Leino doesn't even do that. Most of the time, he's just invisible on the ice. He's this year's Tomas Kopecky; perhaps he's a little more naturally gifted than Kopecky, but it very rarely amounts to anything significant on the ice, so what difference does it actually make?

In order to extricate himself from my shit list, he needs to produce. Now. He has played in 22 games, but has only produced five points. By comparison, Valtteri Filppula, who only played half that number of games before his injury, has six points. Jesus Christ, even Brett Lebda has four points. Bert has nine points. Fucking Todd Bertuzzi! I'm going to stop writing this before my head explodes. Hope you all are enjoying your holiday. For Black Friday, I'm buying myself a fifth of Jack to gear down for the pair of games this weekend.

Wings pass on the BJs.

What? At least I didn't incorporate the verb "swallowed". Just know that I thought about it.

Wings win in Columbus, 9-1.

Not a typo.

NINE to one.

Seven players on the Wings' squad accounted for the nine goals, including two apiece for Niklas Kronwall and Justin Abdelkader. The first six Wings' goals were scored by players earning their third goal each of the season. So this must be what it's like, watching teams play in the Matrix.

Dan Cleary, Pavel Datsyuk, Kris Draper, and Niklas Kronwall each scored in the first half of the first period, raising the score 4-0 before the first intermission.

Todd Bertuzzi and Ville Leino scored in the second period, and Niklas Kronwall's second goal and both of Justin Abdelkader's came in the third.

Keeping track of the awesomeness?

--Myriad goals, spread out throughout the entire 60 minutes of play, rather than a flurry of goals early or a weak sauce attempt to catch up at the end? Check.

--Consistent play by top players? Check. Few glaring defensive breakdowns, and fabulous play by Datsyuk and Zetterberg, especially.

--Did the Wings' depth show tonight? Check. Is the sky blue? Leino looked better than he has since before he was benched; his razzle-dazzle before shooting the puck upstairs is reminiscent of the best plays we've seen him achieve in the past. Bertuzzi sent one to the back of the net. Cleary continued his scoring success. Kronwall proved his offensive prowess with being one shy of a hat trick tonight.

--Did the Wings keep it together? Yes. Again, consistent scoring throughout all three periods and no excessive or stupid penalties. Not counting Brad May's fighting major, none of the Wings made it to the sin bin until the end of the second period.

--How about special teams? The Wings managed two penalty kills successfully, with no power play goals against. Conversely, the Wings' power play accomplished two goals (both by Kronwall).

Sweet.

Part 2 - Wings triumph over Canucks, 5-4.

To be sure, it was an imperfect game. The penalties the Wings took in the third period almost made me lose my damn mind, not to mention the fact that the Canucks scored within the first 30 seconds of the puck drop.

No matter how happy the game made me (exact description: happier than Kurt Warner at a Jesuslovefest), it's important to keep in mind that it's just one game, and in no way is the team out of the woods. It's a long season, we're only in October, we've got a long way to go.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Pavel Freakin' Datsyuk. Holy shit. I looked for a video last night of this goal and couldn't find one. Today, we're in luck. Here is a beautiful goal, his first of the season, straight from Datsyuk's playbook:





I know I've bitched, ad nauseum, about how Pasha needed to score in every game ever, so it's obvious that I missed watching him do his thing and score amazing goals like this, but wow--watching him do this never fails to amaze me.

2. Jimmy Howard came up huge last night. It's unfortunate that Chris Osgood had the worst night ever, but pulling him was totally the right call, and I am ecstatic that Babcock did it so early. Had he not, it would have only gotten worse from there. (How much did I want to light myself on fire after the Canucks scored their 2nd goal? On a scale of 1-10, -----> infinity.)

3. The Scrappy Octopi, while watching the game last night, looked at each other during the 3rd period flurry and remarked, "Has Homer been on the ice for every single goal scored by the Wings?" Although statistically not true, it sure felt that way. (Oh, and anyone who thinks that goaltender interference should have been called when Homer was shoved into Luongo after Kronwall's goal was in the net should kiss my ass.)

4. I can't believe Brett Lebda actually lifted the net up and out of the ice. I'm not even mad; I'm impressed. (Thank you, Anchorman.)

5. How much did I want to physically harm Brad Stuart for the boarding penalty at that crucial moment during the third period? On a scale of 1-10, -------> infinity^infinity. I thought the hit was a little shady--not that Stuart intended to board him, but it was a close call.

6. Todd Bertuzzi is bound to get a goal one of these days. I would gladly give 10 years off my life, however, if in the interim, we don't have to hear the adjective "snakebitten"; it reminds me too much of everyone's description of Datsyuk during the playoffs, and it gives me nightmares.

7. Brian is funny. Per an email from him:

Sadly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL said the last 5 of the game will need to be replayed. Brad Watson phoned the league at 3am and said he intended to blow the last Wings goal dead. This sucks :(

8. I giggle with wreckless abandon every time I hear the name Mason Raymond now. Can't you just picture him putting in a chaw before he goes on the ice? Or retreating to his deer stand after games? Brian likes to picture him with camo skates on. I couldn't find a picture of this, but I did find a picture of this:

Come on, it's a car painted in a camo pattern and it's a Camaro. That would fetch you at least $1K at a yard sale around these parts. Or you could go park it at the high school and snag some jail bait. I'm just saying.

***

All right, Michigan inhabitants, I'm going to post something at the end of all my posts directing you to another post in which I beseech you for your opinion on a hotel The Scrappy Octopi are considering for our December jaunt to Detroit. Just a quick yes or no on whether the place in question is sketchy. I will do this on every post; I have no pride...or shame.

Wings lose to Avalanche, 3-1.

So, since I got over my hangover yesterday, and since I finally brought myself to watch the game last night, I can share some thoughts on Saturday night's experience v. the Avalanche:

1. Jimmy Howard is not on my shit list. The 2nd goal he allowed was flukey and weird, but he otherwise played a solid game.

2. Todd Bertuzzi impressed the hell outta me with his 1,437 scoring chances. I especially love that he accomplished this in front of a crowd of booing Avs fans because, you know, I heart animosity.

3. I can't believe Adam Foote took another puck to the face from Nicklas Lidstrom. Ouch.

4. Regarding the first goal for the Avs, Brian Rafalski should not have attempted that pass to Jonathan Ericsson. I love that Big E smashed his stick on the net immediately after the goal; I'm not sure whether he was mad at himself or mad at his teammates, but all signs of temper tantrums make me happy.

5. The top line, currently Datsyuk/Zetterberg/Holmstrom, needs to score now. Is the sky blue? They had some decent chances, especially Datsyuk, doing his thing, but they need to find the back of the net. I feel like I write this exact same thing after every single game we lose.

6. Officially joining the chorus of angry Wings bloggers with this one: Brad Watson should go fuck himself. Maybe it would help him do his job better.*

That's really all I have right now. I'm super disappointed, but when I watched the game last night, I didn't walk away with the same sense of abject failure as I did following other recent games. The game the other night against Phoenix? I'm pretty sure I barfed blood for the rest of the night. Maybe the difference here is that I saw the score while drunk, blogged about it when I was drunk, then finally got around to watching the game, so my emotional state kind of went from, "OMFG, how-could-they-have-lost-again-this-is-horseshit-i-need-another-beer" to "Wait, what was the score again? WHAAAT, we lost?!" to "..." Therefore, maybe this is a sign. A sign that alcohol needs to be present in all viewing situations in order to invert my emotional reactions to disappointing games.

*Actually, at this point, I'm willing to buy this guy a prostitute. He needs to get laid. It would help him relax with this whole whistle-blowing thing and get over himself. I mean, think about it: What do you really think is on his mind with the entire "intent to blow" thing? Anybody in for splitting the costs with me?

Wings beat Kings, 5-2.

Woohoooooooo.

--The biggest news by far is that Nicklas Lidstrom scored his 1,000th career point tonight, becoming the second Swede and first Swedish defenseman to do so. He scored two assists tonight, one on a goal by Tomas Holmstrom, the other on a goal by Henrik Zetterberg. Speaking of which...

--Zetterberg scored a goal and an assist tonight.

--Ozzie did a great job. There really wasn't much he could do on the two Kings' goals. He prevented a couple of nice scoring chances the Kings had, especially toward the beginning of the first period.

--I thought the Wings really brought their A-game for most of the third period; it finally felt like we were watching real Wings' hockey, with the exception of the penalties, but hey, the PK was pretty solid.

--I can't believe Tomas Holmstrom is leading the team in goals. He's the biggest boss that I've seen thus far. (Yeah. I went there. You liked it, too.)

--That move by Todd Bertuzzi that set up Kirk Maltby's goal was just awesome. Kirk Maltby has two goals so far this season. I'm just saying.

--Was it just me, or did Brian Rafalski look like he was ready to cry when the refs called a penalty on him? Regardless, he scored his first goal of the season with an empty netter at the end of the game. His expression after the penalty call was still funny as hell, though.

--To me, Davis Drewiske = Davis Drewski = guy whose unfortunate surname sounds like a nickname a fratdouche would coin for himself.

--Watching FSD via Center Ice really, really, really makes me crave Tim Hortons. Midwesterners and Canadians don't know how good they have it. The closest Tim Hortons to here is 3+ hours away. Boo. No matter what Southerners tell you, Tim Hortons is always > Krispy Kreme.

--I do not, under any circumstances, approve of the organist at the Joe playing the theme from The Addams Family. Unless we acquire a player by the name of Adams/Addams. Or, as Brian put it, unless we acquire a player who's just a hand.

Yippee! Wings win 3-2 over Caps.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling this game at first; I was far too nervous about the absence of Johan Franzen and the addition of Patrick Eaves and the presence (again) of Derek Meech. You know how the universe will implode if too much awesomeness occurs simultaneously? Yeah, the exact opposite of that is what I'm trying to say.

The Wings really got going during the 3rd period, though, after the 1st and 2nd periods being kinda flukey and weird, and ended up on top at the final buzzer.

Quick thoughts on tonight's game, in no particular order:

--Homer scored a GOOOOOOOOAL! His second of the season. This brought a huge smile on my face.

--The first Caps goal was complete junk, and I was mad at Ozzie for letting it in. I got over it eventually because he made some great saves tonight, but ugh. So goes the plight of every Wings fan--we all understand this.

--The Datsyuk/Zetterberg/Bertuzzi line seemed a little rusty at first, but ended up playing pretty well. The Twins had some great scoring chances, particularly in the 3rd period, and they had me out of my seat, jumping up and down, on more than one occasion. Bert is looking far better than I had anticipated, also; so far, he is my favorite of the new additions. Zetterberg skated much better tonight than on Thursday against the Hawks.

--I wish Dan Cleary would do more of what he did during the playoffs. This guy is so good at those gritty goals. We need some of that.

--Jason Williams reminds me of Mikael Samuelsson in that he has a strong slapshot that sometimes finds its way into the net. Jason Williams reminds me of Mikael Samuelsson in that he has a strong slapshot that sometimes finds its way into 4 or 5 people in front of the net. Tonight, it was the former; therefore, he does not receive any of my wrath.

--Valterri Filppula had a great hit on Alexander Ovechkin. It's gotta feel good to topple that guy.

--I wonder who woke up Tom Poti and Brian Pothier for the game.

--That whole dislodged net/lack of whistle thing irritated me. I guess it's negated by the questionable call on Mike Green for slashing Ville Leino in the 3rd period, but it still pissed me off.

--Ville Leino had another stellar game. His skating had stood out for me after each game so far this season; in fact, he is one of the most memorable skaters on the team. I'm glad he is proving wrong my initial worries about him.

--Still on the fence about Patrick Eaves. He skated well tonight, made some good passes, but overall, I feel pretty ambivalent toward him. Time will tell.

--I can't believe Derek Meech and the boarding penalty. I hate it when people on our team play this way. As a Wings fan, I'm spoiled by our team not having stereotypically dirty players, so I don't like it when one of our players commits a dirty penalty. Boo to Meech for this one.

--I miss Johan Franzen.

That's all for now. I'm pumped that we won the game tonight, but the Franzen news still = a dark cloud over the future. It's one of those things that can't be changed, and the best thing to do, as a fan, is just focus on the awesome members of the team who are making things happen. But it still sucks ass. Bleh.

Who wants a beer?