Can we please face Josh Harding for all games hereafter?

So this is what 60 minutes of Red Wings hockey feels like.

Detroit defeats Minnesota 5-1 and sure helped people betting online.

Henrik Zetterberg played like a man possessed tonight. TSO particularly enjoyed Babcock's pairing of Eaves with Hank, which resulted in that fabulous goal by Z. Wow. Either Henrik heard the cries of all the Detroit faithful accusing him of selling out by selling short, or Emma began passing on sexual congress with him. Take your pick. Whatever it was, more, please. (Our apologies to the Wings whose amorous endeavors fail as a result of their fans' selfish requests.)

How about the Mule? Franzen earned himself two goals tonight, and how awesome was it when the camera caught him on the bench right after he scored the second one? I swear to Christ, homeboy looked like he was about to straight up eat somebody. (Kings of Leon: You know that I conSUMED someBODAAAYYY...) And to be honest with you, I then did a five-second mental rundown of all the horrible things I've done lately, just to make sure I hadn't double-crossed Johan by hooking up with his significant other or relieving myself in his water bottle. My conscience is now at ease.

And what about that Miller/Filppula shorthanded rush, which resulted in a goal by Drew himself? Brilliant moves by both men. Not only was it awesome for scoring purposes, but it also proved that Miller can be just as adorable knocking a goal into the net off his own person as he is doing anything else. When Buffalo comes to town on Saturday night, not only will there be some good ol' sibling rivalry on the ice, but it'll be an adorable-off competition of epic magnitude between the two brothers, kinda like stumbling upon the Gerber baby playing peek-a-boo with the terrier group from the Westminster Kennel Club in a Dutch tulip garden while butterflies, bumblebees, and bubbles float through the air on a sunny day with just the right number of clouds in the turquoise sky to remind you of fluffy cotton candy. Siiiiigh.

We can't leave out Darren Helm from this one, either. How many times has he stepped into the crease at juuuuust the right fraction of a second to prevent a puck from sliding across the line? Genius, my friend. Jimmy had a good night, as well; he looked stronger tonight than he did two nights ago, stepping up to provide several clutch saves.

Anyone (Krononymous? Dena?) want to speculate on the over/under of the odds that our bud Marty Havlat sharted big time when he heard the thunder that could ONLY be the sound of KRONWALLING?

How sad is the state of Minnesota's power play? I'm not even sure I have the words to describe it. But, at gunpoint, I could make an attempt:



On an unrelated note, anybody else watching the game on the NHL Network catch that commercial about the journey of sperm through the conception process? Because, yeah, the one thing I was missing from that whole birds-and-the-bees convo my mom had with me back in the day was a militia of people dressed in riot gear to imitate the archnemeses of the little one-eyed snakes on their trek to sperminize the ova. Can you imagine what sex ed class in 7th grade would have been like if we could have reenacted that? Classic. So, uh, yeah, I'll probably tape it or something, if you want to come over and watch it with me.

Last but certainly not least, how's about dear Homer's efforts tonight? Mickey was right: Striking from that distance on the ice is definitely a rarity for #96. As Homer's gal Friday, I'm going to interpret his actions tonight as a preemptive measure to annex additional office space, so I'll be working the phones bright and early tomorrow morning to make sure we get all our building permits in order to comply with the zoning codes.

At least we got rid of Andy Delmore right? A game recap.

As we all saw tonight, the game was absolute shit. The Wings, a team SUPPOSEDLY wanting to make the playoffs, came out and laid down in front of the Canucks. Bam. Loss. This kind of shit can’t happen this late in the season in this spot. It just can’t.

If you read Babcock’s post game comments I think it summarizes well how things went. That having been said, I’d like to present you with Brian’s “You were terrible at hockey tonight and I REALLY wish you’d given a shit, therefore I‘d like to take a shit on your head” list. Similar to a shit list, but less clichéd.

1. Niklas Kronwall. I know you folks love him, and I do as well….but what the fuck tonight, sir?

2. TSN’s announcers. Since the game was on NHL Network we were officially banned from the FSD feed, and TSN’s announcers suck my shit. I hate how they refer to Henrik and Daniel Sedin as “Henrik” or “Daniel”. They have last names, fuck-o. I know it would be difficult to tell apart if you did that, but INCLUDE the first name. It's not that hard.

3. Gary Bettman. Permanent inclusion on any biggest villian/needs to be on the business end of my runs list.

4. Jonathan Ericsson. Has he played hockey before?

5. Todd Bertuzzi. I’ll turn coat this quick - I’m not extremely con-Tuzzi. But he could not have been a bigger sack of useless out there. If he had tried to just do something simple, like...be a table tonight...he would’ve found a way to fuck that up, too. I’m convinced he should not be paid more than $12.75 an hour. For anything.

Having mentioned what a fuckwad Bert was tonight, and the trade deadline having just passed, I’d like to present my SECOND LIST-- things I would take in return in a trade for Todd Bertuzzi:

1. Any draft pick
2. 8 hockey sticks
3. Subway coupons
4. Pulled pork BBQ sandwich
5. Postage to mail him wherever he gets sent
6. Mange
7. Scabies
8. George W. Bush
9. Tim Cheveldae
10. A copy of Mariah Carey’s movie Glitter

The list could go on. A quick note of clarification about the pulled pork BBQ sandwich--it doesn’t even have to be a good one. A microwave one is fine. We’re desperate.

Whitesnake Wednesday.

Another day. Another nut-bustin' day in which you learn one of the best players on your team is out...again, due to a tweak. No, seriously, I really did think that verb only applied to a specific act that may or may not occur during sexual congress. Not trying to be the moral police, but really, "tweaking" has no place on the ice.

Thanks to Petrella, via George Malik, we now know that Kronner's "tweaked" ankle makes him doubtful for tonight's game in Anaheim. Fuck a bunch.

So, on we go. What else can we do? Well, we could answer Wednesday's question (kudos to Brian for coming up with this one):

Who's your favorite "under the radar"* Wing (past or present) and why?

*We're defining "under the radar" pretty loosely here; you don't have to resort between choosing between Ville Leino or Mikael Samuelsson. Under the radar in this case means the player can have (or have had) success with the team, but he's not one of those players whose jerseys you see gajillions of at the Joe, nor is he one at whom all the ladies throw their unmentionables. In other words, your favorite non-superstar.

My answer's easy. Click here, here, or even here if you're not sure. I know it may be a stretch to call the guy leading the team in goals "under the radar," but I've never seen anyone wear a Homer jersey in person, nor do you hear anybody chattering about how hot he is, so that fits my definition, at least.

What about you guys?



Welcome back, Homer.

Wings drown Sharks, 4-2. (Regulation. Bitches.)

Christ on a stick, thankyouthankyouthankyou for giving us two points in regulation tonight. Mandatory keyboard explody type celebration time: sdofdofndofodsufowehofsfnds.

Super duper quick thoughts before calling it a night:

1. Welcome back, #96. Homer played like a man possessed tonight. Time and again, I've praised him on here for always working hard, and tonight, he displayed as much hustle and grit as ever. He notched an assist on each of the first two Wings' goals scored, and by the end of the game, he'd put six shots on goal.

2. When Kronner couldn't stay on his skates during one of the Sharks' power plays during the first period, I thought, "Fuck. Not again." Turned out it was just a broken blade on one of his skates. Then, for start of the third period, he didn't return to the bench; Derek Meech took his place on the power play. Late in the third period, FSD reported that Kronwall had a "slight tweak, nothing serious." After the game, Babcock indicated that he "tweaked his ankle." Hmm. I don't believe "tweak" is a serious medical offense, so we'll keep hoping for the best until we hear otherwise, right?

3. Speaking of Meech, he actually played a decent game; on the aforesaid power play, he scored a goal, and he elevated his defensive play throughout the game (particularly noticeable after he scored that goal). Way to finally play as if you give a shit about earning a permanent spot on the team, cochise.

4. Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg both had stellar efforts tonight. Zetterberg scored the Wings' second goal tonight on a power play, and feeling my heart soar while watching Homer reunited with the Eurotwins was a feeling I shant soon forget.

5. Speaking of Pasha, my jaw is still scraping the ground due to the fact that I witnessed Joe Thornton strip him of the puck during a Datsyukian playbook rush. I believe the universe attempted to negate this by later having Nabokov cough up a juicy rebound to Datsyuk, but still...

6. How about Brian Rafalski's defensive play along the boards during the final 60 seconds? Holy Jesus...

7. San Jose is really just too ridiculously good at faceoffs.

8. I like seeing Dan Cleary and Valtteri Filppula play together, and I didn't mind seeing Homer on the second line tonight, either, as much as I love the Flying Circus. I thought these three did a great job maintaining pressure and creating chances.

9. Patrick Eaves's goal was magnificent--I love when our guys are in the right position to catch the other team with the pants around their ankles, which is exactly what happened with San Jose here. Also worth noting is Kris Draper (who earned an assist on Eaves's goal) and Darren Helm, who also both had tremendous efforts tonight. Valtteri Filppula also showed up to rock and roll, earning himself two assists.

10. Joe Thornton is a dickhole for crashing into Jimmy late in the third. But thanks for negating that stressful 6-on-4 sitch, Joe. You just gotta hate it when that happens.

This was the most consistent effort the Wings have put forth recently. They were a little sluggish to start the game, but warmed up to a fever pitch during the final eight minutes of the first period. They were a little uneven at the beginning of the second period, but left all that soon behind after Cleary scored the first of four unanswered Wings' goals. The third period was all around outstanding for Detroit.

We owe ourselves a tiny sigh of relief that the game didn't go into overtime; Nashville earned a point tonight against Phoenix (who won in the 11,403th round of a shootout), Dallas beat Minnesota, Colorado beat Columbus, and Los Angeles topped the Rangers. The standings are so ridiculously tight right now--every little bit counts. The Wings now have 64 points (tied with the Preds). Tomorrow night, we play the delightfully disgusting Anaheim Ducks, who are not far behind us with 59 icky points. We don't need to be reminded of how crucial another regulation win tomorrow is. Let's go, Wings.

Friday fun times and good stuff.

TSO's good pal saraneuie has graced our inbox with yet another example of her fantabulous photo-taking skills. This really needs no introduction, except I feel the need to tell Krononymous and Dena to take a seat if they haven't already. It's Sara's compilation of moments from Kronwall's first game back:

(If you click on the image, it will get bigger. [That's what she said.] No, but seriously, you can have a full-screen version of Kronner. Wait. Is that the sound of screensavers being updated all across the interwebs?)

Tonight, the Wings take on the Nashville Predators in Detroit. My apologies to the number of you who expressed your love for the Jordin(?!) Tootoo whistle at the Sommet Center. Maybe this will help to ease the pain:



Really, we started "dance dance assholes" on here as a lighthearted way to anticipate upcoming games; now it's simply a sweet distraction from the pain of everyday existence: Nashville is currently in 7th place in the Conference, with 61 points to our 59. It's imperative that the Wings wrap up a win in regulation. Not only will it help us in the standings, but it'll also set a good tone for the weekend, heading into a tough game in hell at Mellon Arena on Sunday. (Can we get a head count of how many people are excited to see Mike Milbury again? Anybody? Oh, come on, don't be shy.)

And since it's Friday, we're giving them out like candy. Here's another funny:



Let's go, Wings.

Return to KRONWORLD.

Two days = massive eternity. No, seriously. I'm not joking on this one. We take a couple days off from the old McBlogster, and so many awesome things occurred in the interim:

1. We found out that Niklas Kronwall returns to the lineup...TONIGHT, against Phoenix.

2. As previously reported, Tomas Holmstrom says he may return to the lineup on Friday against the Predators. If this is true, I Can't. Fucking. Wait. (Is anybody else as seriously stoked as we are to have a Friday game to watch instead of a Saturday game? It gives us something to do other than go to sleep at 10 p.m.)

3. Somebody with the most kickass handle ever, DatsyukianGeek, started following us on Twitter. I could not stop thinking about this all weekend.

We also missed recapping the game against the Kings on Saturday, although, unfortunately, we did not miss the suckass game altogether. Can I take a five and talk to you guys for a second? TSO--both of us--had a particularly chaotic week with our jobs and whatnot, so we went underground for the weekend by literally running away. Before you get all worried and commence sending us greeting cards of your own, we're ok. Actually, last week resulted in some pretty good news for me, in the form of a "promotion" (best way to describe it--more money + more hours + more responsibilities) and the hiring of a new employee I'll get to menace. I'm greatly looking forward to it. I'm considering conducting my own interview, just to see if we hit it off. Here, let me run a question by you guys:

Question: Imagine a person enters our workplace, acts a fool, and then departs. Upon said person's departure, I make a killer sarcastic remark. Your reaction:

A. Laugh along appreciatively.

B. Quickly retort with your own snarky statement, thereby one-upping me and becoming my brand-new BFF and de facto soulmate.

C. Chuckle slightly, only because you're a consummate professional, but later give me an exploding fist bump to celebrate my awesomeness.

D. Scold me for my obvious lack of professionalism.

E. Burst into tears because you've never been able to grasp sarcasm. (Note: I do not believe in tears, so I will not offer you a Kleenex.)

I think it's a good barometer, don't you?

Anyway, as previously mentioned, the Wings take on the Coyotes tonight, and, as also previously mentioned, Nik Jr. comes back with a vengeance tonight. Now, if any of you read my comments on here--no, really, you all don't need to raise your hands at once--you may have noticed that I promised one of our readers, Dena, a surprise upon Kronwall's return. You see, Dena, as well as one of our anonymous commenters, has a lovesick, almost actually sick, obsession with #55, and, as you all know, we love to celebrate obsessions and fanatics of all kinds here at TSO. See, others would possibly consider putting them on a reality show or sending her to love rehab (Dr. Drew's available, right?), but over here, we place passionate fans like them on a pedestal. I mean, it's not as if I haven't been caught peering into the window of #96's home. Without further adieu, here goes:

Hey, look, I made a collage without the use of "chickenpox" (my feeble attempt at recreating freckles, as Brian is a freckleface. I'm glad the person who commented that it was chickenpox didn't guess herpes, though. I mean, I would have found it funny, but I'm not sure Brian would have enjoyed being known around the internets as Herpesface. And I definitely wouldn't want to be known as girlfriend of Herpesface. Wait, hearing that in my head just now did make me giggle...)

I have no idea what Dena or the anonymous commenter look like, so I just made them both Smurfs. Hope neither of you mind. Also, you guys have the longest torsos ever. Does that mean you're constantly looking for tunics or muumuus to wear since regular shirts are virtually impossible? On a positive note, can I just say that those shades of lipstick look fabulous on the two of you? Hope you ladies have the time of your lives watching the game tonight.

So that's what's up. The puck drops at 7 p.m. tonight. Alas, we won't be watching it. (Bitchface Versus.) However, you may be treated to one of Brian's fabulous "Recap of a game I didn't watch" recaps. Or you could just go to a blog with standards and consistency. In any event, let's go, Wings!

Memo to the NHL: Suspend Laraque immediately.

And I don't want to hear anybody's bullcrap about how Georges Laraque "accidentally" stuck his knee in Kronwall's path. Honestly, I would rather hear my boyfriend admit that he cheated on me by "accidentally" having somebody fall on his dick. That statement is less ridiculous than the former.

There is no instance when a hockey player should stick his knee out, aligning it with another hockey player's knee. No decent or legal check or hit results from doing that. End. Of. Story.

Per Puck Daddy, a quote from the gentleman in question:

There were four refs on the ice and they didn't call anything," Laraque said. "If they called a match penalty it would be different. There was no intent. There was no reason why I would try to go and hurt him. It was a pure accident, that's why they called it tripping, so I'm not worried at all.

There was no "intent". I love it. You know, I kind of have that same thing, when I walk down the street, and I just stick my leg out and trip up fellow passers-by. It's an uncontrollable spasm; I can't help it.

Oh, and I'm certainly "worried". Officially joining other Wings' bloggers on this one: I'm not sure the universe can handle the horribleness of Brett Lebda and Derek Meech on the same line. Taking it a step further, I'm pissed at Jonathan Ericsson's performance as of late, so the thought of Meech being paired with him makes me want to grab a wire coat hanger and abort myself.

Getting back to the issue at hand, though, I wonder if there's anything else out there that can help us shed some light onto the situation at hand. If only Georges Laraque had his own website. Wait, what's this? Holy shit, Georges Laraque has his own website!

To describe myself, well I have to say you will rarely see me anywhere without a big smile on my face. I love to laugh, makes jokes, I’m actually quite the prankster and as annoying as it gets sometimes on people, I like to entertain. When I'm somewhere in a big group, you know that I'm there! lol!

Like, OMFG. He sounds, like, such an awesome guy! Maybe we should totally hang out! I wonder if he also enjoys long, romantic walks on the beach? I am, like, totally the prankster in my group of friends, too! One time, I totally saran-wrapped my BFF's toilet seat at a sleepover. Hehehe! She was SO mad, she was like, OMFG, you biatch! (SWF, 23 YO, BRO hair, BLU eyes...call me, lova).

What I do on the ice is definitely not the type of person I am off the ice, I hate violence.

Yay! Because I was really worried that he might try to go all Tonya Harding on me in the bedroom, and while I'm not exactly a prude, I'm certainly not down for any out of control S&M, B&D, BDSM, CBT, D/s, or TT. ROFLMAOCOPTER.

Another thing about me is that I'm brutally honest. I always say something the way it is. I'm never afraid to speak my mind. You would say that in real life, it could be a good thing at times, but when you're a professional athlete, it’s not always a good thing in the eyes of many people, but I don't care. I don't like the cliché answer and don’t always say what's politically correct. I think the fans have the right to hear the truth and the way you feel at all times and over the years, many people know that about me and you can earn a lot of respect that way.

Ever noticed that people who call themselves "brutally honest" are usually total assholes? Think about it. Anyone I've ever heard of in my entire life who says, "I'm brutally honest" usually means they're about to say something shitty--or will say something shitty in the near future--and don't want their relationship with the recipient of the shitty comment to suffer any damage because, alas, they forewarned said person that they're brutally honest, and that's the way it is. It's like that bullshit T-shirt slogan or bumper sticker that skankbags tote that says, "I'm a bitch and proud of it." (I hope you're picturing a person with trailer blonde hair, glittery eyeshadow, and a baby tee at least 5 times too small because that's what I'm working with over here.) Yeah. You might be a bitch and proud of it, but guess what. Everyone fucking hates you. They just pretend to be nice because they're afraid of suffering the wrath, i.e., getting eaten.

I believe in God and pray regularly, I try everyday to be a good Christian and try to help as many people as I can.

Hmm. Well, if you get suspended, maybe you just didn't pray hard enough because God definitely always takes your side, right? Oops. Oh, and proclaiming yourself a "good Christian" when you have a history of being a dickface in the public realm does nothing to negate your dickface history; it just makes you look like more of a dickface.

I would actually recommend three movies for you to watch (down below) that have made a big change in my life. I truly believe that if you watch them it will help your life goals and dreams! And always remember, live your life to the fullest, we only live once!

Movies:
- Pay it Forward
- The Secret
- Deepak Chopra
- 7 Laws of Success

That's actually two movies, one book, and one crazy writer. How can we expect Laraque to understand the rules on the ice when he can't even master counting or differentiating between living persons and inanimate objects? Asshole.

Wings harpoon Canucks, 3-1.

If your mascot is named Finn the Whale, you deserve the verb "harpoon".

Somehow, the Wings managed this win, despite getting completely outshot and outworked for much of the game. Jimmy Howard played extremely well for the second night in a row (although he had much more work to do in last night's game than in Columbus); he even earned himself his first career assist on Niklas Kronwall's empty-netter. I wish I could find a video of Henrik Zetterberg's GWG; it was one of my favorite goals thus far this season.

Tomas Holmstrom scored the first goal of the game. He's still leading the team in season goals. My heart is smiling.

Tomorrow night, the Wings take on the Anaheim Ducks for the first time this season. This is the third team in my top tier of hatred. Expect something fun tomorrow pre-game.

***

So, now I want to take a minute to get all sentimental with you guys. I've been doing this blogging thing for almost two months now. I started it as a way to stop irritating non-hockey fans in my life with my endless blather for 3/4 of the year (and if you're interested in the whole long story of my hockey fandom, you can read it here). Still, I wasn't sure anyone would actually want to read the sometimes inane, often irreverent, almost always inappropriate prattling that I put out there. Ever since my bestest showed me how to check the stats on Google Reader to see how many subscribers a particular blog has, I've been neurotically checking it to see if people are ready my stuff. And you are! This little, scrappy blog, created by a person who's not from Michigan but still loves the Red Wings more than life itself, has real, actual readers. (Or maybe just cyborgs who enjoy reading this nonsense. But whatever. Onward and upward.) So, thanks, people. It hits me right here.

Now, Jesus H. Christ. Because this site is not called the SAPPY Octopus, and in celebration of this impromptu Reader Appreciation Day, how about some free sketchy punch, hookers, and BJs*? Really. It's on The Scrappy Octopus's tab.

Oh, and for the ladies--I wouldn't dream of leaving you out of this one. Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot reportedly involves a hockey stick. More details as they emerge, and, of course, complimentary copies of the issue for everyone once it's published. What? That doesn't do it for you? OK. Well, we've still got this guy. You're welcome.

*As in Columbus Blue Jackets. They want to hang out. Wait, what? You thought I meant...? GASP. I'm appalled at you people, really. Sickos.

Wings pass on the BJs.

What? At least I didn't incorporate the verb "swallowed". Just know that I thought about it.

Wings win in Columbus, 9-1.

Not a typo.

NINE to one.

Seven players on the Wings' squad accounted for the nine goals, including two apiece for Niklas Kronwall and Justin Abdelkader. The first six Wings' goals were scored by players earning their third goal each of the season. So this must be what it's like, watching teams play in the Matrix.

Dan Cleary, Pavel Datsyuk, Kris Draper, and Niklas Kronwall each scored in the first half of the first period, raising the score 4-0 before the first intermission.

Todd Bertuzzi and Ville Leino scored in the second period, and Niklas Kronwall's second goal and both of Justin Abdelkader's came in the third.

Keeping track of the awesomeness?

--Myriad goals, spread out throughout the entire 60 minutes of play, rather than a flurry of goals early or a weak sauce attempt to catch up at the end? Check.

--Consistent play by top players? Check. Few glaring defensive breakdowns, and fabulous play by Datsyuk and Zetterberg, especially.

--Did the Wings' depth show tonight? Check. Is the sky blue? Leino looked better than he has since before he was benched; his razzle-dazzle before shooting the puck upstairs is reminiscent of the best plays we've seen him achieve in the past. Bertuzzi sent one to the back of the net. Cleary continued his scoring success. Kronwall proved his offensive prowess with being one shy of a hat trick tonight.

--Did the Wings keep it together? Yes. Again, consistent scoring throughout all three periods and no excessive or stupid penalties. Not counting Brad May's fighting major, none of the Wings made it to the sin bin until the end of the second period.

--How about special teams? The Wings managed two penalty kills successfully, with no power play goals against. Conversely, the Wings' power play accomplished two goals (both by Kronwall).

Sweet.

Five Things I Heart About Sweden

Other than, obviously, the fact that so many members of the Red Wings squad hail from there. My theory is that Sweden just might be heaven on earth; its awesomeness and badass-ish-ness are truly unparalleled:

1. VIKINGS.

Need I really elaborate? Vikings will kick your ass. Everybody has gotten so excited over the past few years over pirates, ninjas, and vampires, but Vikings were the original badasses. Not only did they school much of Western and Central Europe, as well as the Middle East, with their pillaging and plundering ways, but they also beat Christopher Columbus to North America by almost 500 years. Have you ever seen a replica of one of their ships? To be honest with you, I'm not even sure I would feel comfortable using them as a paddle boat on a pond in a state park, let alone sailing across a fucking OCEAN in one of these joints. Vikings have balls of steel:



2. Aquavit.



This shit is hardcore. My friend is Swedish, and her family toasts with Aquavit on holidays and special occasions. If you've ever taken a shot of vodka, imagine a similar flavor, with the added bonus that you can literally feel the liquor crawling down your esophagus before it hits your stomach like a lit match. Each Scandinavian country has its own method of producing aquavit (or akvavit). This shizz will definitely keep you warm on a frigid Nordic night--or at least get you all jacked up enough to make some questionable decisions.

3. Umlaut and Kroužek.

Hmmm...sounds sorta kinky, right? Like maybe some sort of outrageous, inappropriate, Nordic S&M? Settle down, sickos. The umlaut is actually the formal name of the two dots over letters in certain languages (ä), and the kroužek is the name of the ring atop other letters (å). I knew the name for umlauts, but I just learned the word "kroužek" today; actually, the word itself is Czech (Jiri Hudler would be proud). I couldn't find the Swedish name for it online. (OK, fuck it: I am just far too lazy to browse more than three or four links down on Google.)

So, why am I so crazy for a little U&K? Because our language is so boring in comparison. We don't have ANYTHING nearly this interesting to spice up our writing. The Spanish get the tilde (~), and the French hyphenate practically every other letter in every single word, while several European languages, Swedish included, get the umlaut and the kroužek. So. Not. Fair.

Not to mention that in addition to serving as confetti for the written language, these marks make Swedish accents sound amazing. How many times have I watched a Zetterberg interview and found myself nodding off to sleep courtesy of his lullaby of a voice?



Ahhhh, Zetterberg. Which brings me to...

4. Swedes grow freakin' sweet beards. Enough said:









And, my all-time favorite:



5. The cultural contribution that Swedes have given the world for decades. I give you the following:







You're welcome.