11 March 2010

Can we please face Josh Harding for all games hereafter?

So this is what 60 minutes of Red Wings hockey feels like.

Detroit defeats Minnesota 5-1 and sure helped people betting online.

Henrik Zetterberg played like a man possessed tonight. TSO particularly enjoyed Babcock's pairing of Eaves with Hank, which resulted in that fabulous goal by Z. Wow. Either Henrik heard the cries of all the Detroit faithful accusing him of selling out by selling short, or Emma began passing on sexual congress with him. Take your pick. Whatever it was, more, please. (Our apologies to the Wings whose amorous endeavors fail as a result of their fans' selfish requests.)

How about the Mule? Franzen earned himself two goals tonight, and how awesome was it when the camera caught him on the bench right after he scored the second one? I swear to Christ, homeboy looked like he was about to straight up eat somebody. (Kings of Leon: You know that I conSUMED someBODAAAYYY...) And to be honest with you, I then did a five-second mental rundown of all the horrible things I've done lately, just to make sure I hadn't double-crossed Johan by hooking up with his significant other or relieving myself in his water bottle. My conscience is now at ease.

And what about that Miller/Filppula shorthanded rush, which resulted in a goal by Drew himself? Brilliant moves by both men. Not only was it awesome for scoring purposes, but it also proved that Miller can be just as adorable knocking a goal into the net off his own person as he is doing anything else. When Buffalo comes to town on Saturday night, not only will there be some good ol' sibling rivalry on the ice, but it'll be an adorable-off competition of epic magnitude between the two brothers, kinda like stumbling upon the Gerber baby playing peek-a-boo with the terrier group from the Westminster Kennel Club in a Dutch tulip garden while butterflies, bumblebees, and bubbles float through the air on a sunny day with just the right number of clouds in the turquoise sky to remind you of fluffy cotton candy. Siiiiigh.

We can't leave out Darren Helm from this one, either. How many times has he stepped into the crease at juuuuust the right fraction of a second to prevent a puck from sliding across the line? Genius, my friend. Jimmy had a good night, as well; he looked stronger tonight than he did two nights ago, stepping up to provide several clutch saves.

Anyone (Krononymous? Dena?) want to speculate on the over/under of the odds that our bud Marty Havlat sharted big time when he heard the thunder that could ONLY be the sound of KRONWALLING?

How sad is the state of Minnesota's power play? I'm not even sure I have the words to describe it. But, at gunpoint, I could make an attempt:

On an unrelated note, anybody else watching the game on the NHL Network catch that commercial about the journey of sperm through the conception process? Because, yeah, the one thing I was missing from that whole birds-and-the-bees convo my mom had with me back in the day was a militia of people dressed in riot gear to imitate the archnemeses of the little one-eyed snakes on their trek to sperminize the ova. Can you imagine what sex ed class in 7th grade would have been like if we could have reenacted that? Classic. So, uh, yeah, I'll probably tape it or something, if you want to come over and watch it with me.

Last but certainly not least, how's about dear Homer's efforts tonight? Mickey was right: Striking from that distance on the ice is definitely a rarity for #96. As Homer's gal Friday, I'm going to interpret his actions tonight as a preemptive measure to annex additional office space, so I'll be working the phones bright and early tomorrow morning to make sure we get all our building permits in order to comply with the zoning codes.


  1. Josh Harding is certainly the worst goalie in the NHL NOT named Vesa Toskala. When Mickey mentioned we MIGHT get Toskala at the tail end of their back to back next week....I almost shat my pants with glee....

    Oh wait, I just did. Better late than never.

    NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME TONIGHT REGARDING THE WINGS PLAY. Thats a rarity. I mean, maybe we should've scored 8 or 9 on Harding? Great effort tonight, for sure.

    The sperm commercial was the best. I mean, what? Why are people recreating conception? I get it. Illustration is unnecessary.

  2. Sara and I were reading this blog post together and suffice to say, we laughed our asses off. The depiction of the adorable-off between Drew & Ryan Miller could not be more accurate. We just went thru our pics from the game & could not stop talking about how adorable Our Millsie is (Sara notes, as opposed to R Millsie, who we play on Saturday...). That shortie by him and Filppula was epic, and I can't wait to watch it on the DVR.

    Tonight proved that Franzen is BEAST like we all already think, but it's nice to see Hank get back on the scoreboard. And no, I don't think it's selfish to demand Emma to withhold from Hank if he isn't playing well. Few things in this world motivate dudes like sex... (Sara is blushing now, but I think it's true!) All I can say is that Mule must be scoring like crazy right now... And I think I've said too much.

    Also, we were thinking the same thing when we saw the Kronwalling. I was just commenting about how we really hadn't seen one for a while. I actually got a pic of Kronwall giving a love-tap to Havlat at some point in the game. I'm sure Marty shat his pants in horror...

    Awesome game by the guys. Please tape that sperm commercial. After your awesome explanation for it, I just am dying to see it with my own eyes. Too bad WV is so far away, or I so would take you up on your offer...

  3. I just laughed so hard my head nearly exploded (I have a bad hangover).

    YES, please tape that sperm commercial if you ever see it again!

    Nurse: Someone needs to have the baby mule sign ready for the next game!

  4. Watched most of the 1st period and most of the 2nd period. Missed the 3rd.

    First few minutes I saw lots of slow and not moving feet again. Then FSN showed Babs barking at the boys on the bench. I couldn't tell what he said and Larry Murphy wasn't telling what he heard. I bet it was something along the lines of "Get your feet moving". Probably more colorful though. Much better shifts after that.

    It's nice to bounce back with a win. We'll see how the next few games go. Have they finally started sailing on the Urgen-Sea? Circle Monday the 15th on the calendar. We'll see how they respond to a re-match with Calgary.

    Good hustle led to a nice win against the Wild. Now I hope they can finally defeat the inconsistent play and string together some good efforts.

  5. Dammit, I missed the sperm commercial!

    Poor Martin hasn't been the same since the Kronwalling in Chicago - either that or he hates Minnesota. Both are completely understandable. I did notice a bit of piss running down his leg when he shared the ice with the #55 Train (thank you Mickey and how can I get a ticket to ride?). It wasn't quite the look of wild eyed horror (no pun intended or maybe there is) that he had in the first game but a single miserable assist on the lone goal and a -1 on the night kind of says it all.

    The Olympics are over and our Miller is cuter than their Miller. Drew pots one on Ryan Saturday!

  6. I've still got that sign, Andy

  7. Then it needs to be used in honour of Mule's amazing performance

  8. OK, we all know that most of the lady love goes to Z. Big Rig is a fav of 8th grade girls, cougars, and gay gentlemen. Lids garners some love too. So, I've come to the conclusion that Franzie would absolutely love it if some of that love was thrown his way. The baby mule sign will probably make him blush brighter than his hair, but I think he will appreciate it.

    Having said that, I will proceed to gush love all over.... Danny Cleary. (Double nickles, I still love you with all my heart, but Danny, needs to get his game on, just go with it) baby, what's going on? Listen, the Hockeytown no limits commercial. I know you were trying to be your sexiest and oh, I noticed. Wink. So could you maybe, just for me, drive the net and get one of your dirty, nasty goals tomorrow? Yes? Awesome.

  9. Nurse Nitz, I am so happy you and Sara enjoyed the Miller v. Miller showdown I envisioned in my mind's eye. There's really no other way to see it, is there?

    Andy (and anybody else as enthralled about the sperms on TV as TSO is), the sperm commercial was for an entire SHOW coming up soon. I need to look that shit up and get the info on it. Definitely don't want to miss that one...

    Michael, I don't care what Babs says to them as long as it wakes them up. As I'm writing this, the second intermission has just begun. Parts of tonight's game have been inspiring--others, not quite as much. With the score tied headed into the third, we'll see what happens...

    Krononymous, I feel the TEENSIEST bit sorry for Havlat that that's ALL I'll ever first think of when I hear his name. It's really too bad the infamous KRONWALLING couldn't have happened to a shittier person; there are, after all, so many more worthy candidates out there. Nonetheless, it is a punchline that will NEVER get old 'round these parts.

    Dena, you have fun with that Cleary crush. We'll play it up on here to the hilt. It's important for everyone in the TSO posse to have a distinct bonercrush. I have a big chart on a giant Post-It Note hanging on my wall to keep track of it all. Your change in romantic status has been noted.