05 March 2010

The Kitchen Sink

So, just a little while ago, I was tooling around on Twitter, dazzling my followers with ever-deep insights ("Sometimes, when I write 'Nat' too quickly, it looks like 'Nut.' This makes me happy.") while counting down the minutes until I'm reunited with my distant lova/BFF and we can catch up the way we always do (updating each other on numbers of surprise rimjobs attempted on our persons and debating the merits of boning in a car that also includes children's booster seats) when Drew from Nightmare on Helm Street requested that I post something for his perusal today. Never one to turn down a friendly request from a fellow blogger, here goes: The Kitchen Sink.

That's what we're hereby proclaiming the final 19 games, the homestretch, the jumbo-loaded, four-cheese burrito, if you will. Because that is precisely what the Wings are going to have to throw at their opponents, night after night, to make this playoff thing happen.

Now, before you wonder if TSO is doubting the ability of the Wings to finish the race to the postseason, let us present you with the newly minted TSO creed:

The Newly Minted TSO Creed

1. We believe the Wings have all the pieces necessary not only to make the playoffs, but also to generate a strong playoff run, right through to the very end.

2. We believe Pavel Datsyuk is straight up country-pissed after Russia's disappointing Olympic run, not to mention frustrated with the Wings' current situation (have you ever seen him straight up punch a guy in the face before?!), and he will use "more shoot" to exact vengeance over the next 19.

3. We believe Nicklas Lidstrom is far too perfect to miss out on any postseason.

4. We believe Henrik Zetterberg was put on this earth not simply to make little girls (and boys--hi, Brian) lust after his silky whiskers, but to wreak playoff havoc by dry-humping the opposition's top forwards all over the ice.

5. We believe in Mike Babcock. Period.

6. We believe in the unmatched power of the Mule.

7. We believe the universe doesn't want to exist in a universe in which there's no postseason redux of the Darren Helm kill .

8. We believe that if there is a God, he/she doesn't want to witness the debacle that would inevitably occur if #96 is irked: Homer getting his hands on authentic Viking artillery and destroying the shit out of his mortal enemies.

9. We believe in dancing with Lord Stanley in June. Period.

So, that's it. That's our game plan. We're just going to repeat this to ourselves at every juncture along the next several weeks and wait for the best. Got anything you'd like to add? I intentionally stopped at #9 for obvious reasons, but add away at the bottom of the post till we get to another benchmark number, and we'll tack on a codicil to the creed.

And now--because The Kitchen Sink applies not just to the Wings but also to TSO--we're pulling out all the stops, mixing some old favorites with some new jointz. Let's go, Wings:


  1. Holy Christ this post is so full of win that nothing will ever compare.

    And all I've seen so far is Bonecrusher. I smell the next round of nicknames. Johan "I AIN'T NEVA SCARED WHAT!" Franzen

    Todd "Let a Choppa Go PLOWWWW To Ya Melon" Bertuzzi

    Chris "Got Permanent PMSin' So He Stay Bitchin'" Osgood

    and so on...

  2. Also, just for you:

    Tomas "There's No Room For a Relationship, There's Just Room to HIT IT!" Holmstrom

  3. Let me first just say HA, Micheal! I think that sexually explicit rap lyrics are the way to go for the rest of the regular season! There are just no words to describe the mix of revulsion and joy that a good dirrrty rap song brings.

    Besides the Fight Night video, the Franzie taking of Kandy's mouthguard is my very, very, favorite of all time. I shall be attending the game on Sunday and I will be repeating this on TPL later, but if Kandy has a look of shock, awe, and a dash of shame, it's because I totally JAILSEXED him before the game. Awwww, yeah!

  4. Tomas "I just want BANG BANG BANG" Holmstrom

    Outstanding work!

  5. This motivated me to kill somebody. In a good way, though. Thank you.

    - Tyler

  6. Actually, yes I have seen Pav straight up punch a guy in the face before. Last year in the playoffs, late in Game 2 of the Columbus series. Antoine Vermette, who I still hate for this, put one of those intentional-attempt-to-injure-type hits on Pav, and Pav came up swinging.

    Moral of the story: Pissed Pav Punches People!

    Also, I really miss the days when Zata actually scored in shootouts.


  8. I don't know what kind of circles y'all hang around in (seriously, though, introduce me), but I don't know of any other kind of rim job besides "SURPRISE."

  9. surprise rimjobs FTW... this made my day (which was kinda shitty until now)

  10. *snickers* It makes me inappropriately giddy that you included the filet-o-fish commercial. You. Are. AWESOME!!!!!!

    Does anyone have video of Dats' punch? I was at the game & want to relive the moment. Again & again & again & several more times.

  11. No mention of Howard? Aww.

  12. Oh Natalie, you continue to outdo your awesomeness. I feel like I should post this creed on my bedroom mirror to remind myself every morning to Don't Stop Believin'. I agree with Dena that the Mule Mouthguard video is one of the single-most AWESOME moments from the past few seasons. It never fails to make me smile. And Dena, I hope to all hockey gods that you jailsex Kandy real good... He'll never know what hit him!

    Thanks to you I will have damn Filet-o-Fish song in my head for the next week. Which replaces the Lady Gaga song that's been in my head because it's played at The Joe everytime I go.

    Also, all this talk of surprise rimjobs seriously made me LOL HARD. What a way to end the day...

  13. Submitted for your consideration:

    --We believe that the highest expression of self sacrifice is not to fall on a grenade, but to willingly place one's body between a goalie and a slapshot from the point (even if it is Shea Weber or Sheldon Souray doing the shooting, and it is the face doing the blocking).

    --We believe that a successful 5-on-3 penalty kill is a better adrenalin rush than bungee jumping. :)

  14. This is amazing. I like how the filet o'fish guy is always seat grooving.


  15. --We believe in the force of nature that makes opponents either flee in fear or cry in pain called Kronwalled.

  16. Oh, and if anyone has a Blackberry - the website crackberry.com has the filet-o-fish commercial jingle as a free ringtone.

    This made me giggle uncontrollably for several minutes.

  17. I love so much about each and every one of you. That's all.

  18. I kind of, sort of, totally, and absolutely, believe in Jimmy. I know his rebounds are shit now, but I believe that just in time for the playoffs he'll finally figure it out... just like those little kids that finally get how to put the square block through the square hole. Yes, just, like, that.