Can we please face Josh Harding for all games hereafter?

So this is what 60 minutes of Red Wings hockey feels like.

Detroit defeats Minnesota 5-1 and sure helped people betting online.

Henrik Zetterberg played like a man possessed tonight. TSO particularly enjoyed Babcock's pairing of Eaves with Hank, which resulted in that fabulous goal by Z. Wow. Either Henrik heard the cries of all the Detroit faithful accusing him of selling out by selling short, or Emma began passing on sexual congress with him. Take your pick. Whatever it was, more, please. (Our apologies to the Wings whose amorous endeavors fail as a result of their fans' selfish requests.)

How about the Mule? Franzen earned himself two goals tonight, and how awesome was it when the camera caught him on the bench right after he scored the second one? I swear to Christ, homeboy looked like he was about to straight up eat somebody. (Kings of Leon: You know that I conSUMED someBODAAAYYY...) And to be honest with you, I then did a five-second mental rundown of all the horrible things I've done lately, just to make sure I hadn't double-crossed Johan by hooking up with his significant other or relieving myself in his water bottle. My conscience is now at ease.

And what about that Miller/Filppula shorthanded rush, which resulted in a goal by Drew himself? Brilliant moves by both men. Not only was it awesome for scoring purposes, but it also proved that Miller can be just as adorable knocking a goal into the net off his own person as he is doing anything else. When Buffalo comes to town on Saturday night, not only will there be some good ol' sibling rivalry on the ice, but it'll be an adorable-off competition of epic magnitude between the two brothers, kinda like stumbling upon the Gerber baby playing peek-a-boo with the terrier group from the Westminster Kennel Club in a Dutch tulip garden while butterflies, bumblebees, and bubbles float through the air on a sunny day with just the right number of clouds in the turquoise sky to remind you of fluffy cotton candy. Siiiiigh.

We can't leave out Darren Helm from this one, either. How many times has he stepped into the crease at juuuuust the right fraction of a second to prevent a puck from sliding across the line? Genius, my friend. Jimmy had a good night, as well; he looked stronger tonight than he did two nights ago, stepping up to provide several clutch saves.

Anyone (Krononymous? Dena?) want to speculate on the over/under of the odds that our bud Marty Havlat sharted big time when he heard the thunder that could ONLY be the sound of KRONWALLING?

How sad is the state of Minnesota's power play? I'm not even sure I have the words to describe it. But, at gunpoint, I could make an attempt:



On an unrelated note, anybody else watching the game on the NHL Network catch that commercial about the journey of sperm through the conception process? Because, yeah, the one thing I was missing from that whole birds-and-the-bees convo my mom had with me back in the day was a militia of people dressed in riot gear to imitate the archnemeses of the little one-eyed snakes on their trek to sperminize the ova. Can you imagine what sex ed class in 7th grade would have been like if we could have reenacted that? Classic. So, uh, yeah, I'll probably tape it or something, if you want to come over and watch it with me.

Last but certainly not least, how's about dear Homer's efforts tonight? Mickey was right: Striking from that distance on the ice is definitely a rarity for #96. As Homer's gal Friday, I'm going to interpret his actions tonight as a preemptive measure to annex additional office space, so I'll be working the phones bright and early tomorrow morning to make sure we get all our building permits in order to comply with the zoning codes.

Victory in the U-S-A Coincides with Wings Failing to Roast Ducks

The good news from last night? Team USA won the Gold Medal in the World Juniors Championship game against Canada, triumphing 6-5 in an overtime thriller. Truth be told, we watched the end of regulation and the approximately four minutes of overtime instead of watching most of the first period of the Wings game. Coincidentally, we switched back to the Wings game just in time to witness both of the Ducks' first period goals. Sigh.

A note on Team USA's victory: What a game. Seriously, I haven't seen that fast-paced and competitive of a game in...I'm not sure how long. Both team's defenses played extremely tightly, and play intensified during the third period, with little stoppage until the Americans got called with one of those irritating penalties resulting from a player being shoved into the opposing goaltender by another member of the opposing team. The Canadians scored two goals within a minute of one another late in the third period to force an uber exciting overtime.

A small taste of Olympic fever next month? Sign me up for being super excited.

Now, on to the Wings/Ducks game. We've seen the Wings put forth apathetic efforts in their recent losses; we've also seen them look tired and lethargic. But it's been a while since we've witnessed a game this utterly sloppy. My thoughts, as categorized thusly, in an attempt to begin formulating some sort of logical recap format:

The bright light at the end of the tunnel turned out not to be a train...at first.

In a game in which your team loses 4-1, you've gotta give the best moment of the night to the goalscorer, Valtteri Filppula. Filppula is still "getting back into the groove", as I dubbed his New Year's resolution; it was apparent tonight in his sometimes uneasy skating and handling. His goal, however, on an errant rebound from Jonas Hiller, was a temporary momentum-changer; it's too bad the Ducks scored shortly thereafter to distance the score by two points. This was Fil's first goal since his return five games ago.

I've hit rock bottom. Where's the whiskey?

Choose your own adventure:

1. Saku Koivu notches career goal #200...shorthanded...against us.

2. Brian Rafalski is on the ice and is in some way culpable for all of the Ducks' goals tonight.

3. Corey Perry (bleh) scores a goal after every player ever piles in front of Jimmy Howard.

4. James Wisniewski graces us with his presence with John Keating on FSD+. His day-glo hair singes my retinas.

5. Wings achieve their first loss to the Anaheim Ducks this year in a shitshow of a game.

Scrappiest moment of the night:

When Todd Bertuzzi straight up body-slammed Bobby Ryan. Worth at least 500 points in my book.

Players who didn't piss me off:

1. Valtteri Filppula because he scored the lone goal.

2. Nicklas Lidstrom, who notched an assist on Fil's goal and made crucial defensive moves.

3. Patrick Eaves, who was thisclose to burying a nice breakaway chance.

4. Mattias Ritola, who also created a decent scoring chance.

5. Ville Leino, who watched the game from the rafters.

Players who need to wake the fuck up:

1. Pavel Datsyuk. Although he also earned an assist tonight on Fil's goal, he was largely invisible for most of the game.

2. Brian Rafalski, for the abovesaid.

3. All other defensemen not named Nicklas Lidstrom or Brad Stuart.

Pearls of wisdom from your scrappy grandma:

How do you expect your team to win when they spend 99.9% of the time getting dry humped through the neutral zone?

Once you know, you can never go back.

Well, well. There is something both Derek Meech and Doug Janik excel at, and it's called getting their asses handed to them.

Also, ice melts in Southern California. I know, right? I was as shocked as you are.

Finally, it's nice to see we can still slip into the old patterns of giving a shit for the final 10 minutes of regulation. Because, you know, it would be a shame to squander the game in its entirety.

The one where I recap a game I didn't see

Why? Because we haven't done a great deal of writing around the holidays. The Scrappy Octopus is entitled to breaks, you know? AND the game was on Versus, so we were unable to watch (I'll save you another rant from me on the subject). So onward with my imaginary game recap!

Things I know happened:

Ville Leino said ridiculous shit and acted a fool. Oh, for shame that Mike Babcock, asking you to play hockey. Spoiled fucking baby. Does his contract have a clause which allows the contract to be voided for excessive baby crying?

The Wings lost 1-0 in OT.

Brad May won a fight! Good for him.

Jimmy played well. Steve Mason apparently played better.

The Blue Jackets, prior to the game, traded Jason Chimera for two guys who are terrible. We have watched a fair amount of Caps hockey around here. I cant really say what type of player Chimera is, but um, if he has a pulse, the Jackets made a bad trade.

This I simply assume happened:

Antoine Vermette brought an actual saddle and rode Homer.

Homer giggled like a child at said riding.

Ken Hitchcock stress ate four children.

Mike Commodore stripped down to his unmentionables and rolled around in money at the 7:29 mark of the second period.

Upon seeing the flowing mane of one Valtteri Filppula, 3/4 of the Blue Jackets team questioned their sexuality.

In closing, a 1-0 loss. Damn. That's all I got.

A Very Scrappy Christmas

I effing hate Ville Leino.

You know why?

(A) Because everybody expected greatness out of him. And he's been anything but. I've given him compliments on this blog for the rare moments of talent that he shows. But more often than not, he attempts these cute little moves that result in nothing. NOTHING. I was actually glad last night when he passed the puck to Zetterberg during his breakaway because even if you gave that motherfucker a backhoe, Leino wouldn't be able to bury anything.

(B) He's a defensive liability. He can't hold on to the puck worth a good god damn. If an opponent so much as bumps him, it results in a turnover. As a Detroit fan, this is far from good enough. Our players are expected to be strong on both ends of the ice. Which brings me to...

(C) He is not a two-way player. At all. Except last night when he did such a great job covering Nik Antropov. Brian's recap of last night's shitshow does a great job listing suggestions for Leino other than "Calder nominee", which at this point, just sounds like a cruel joke we've made on ourselves.

(D) Remember how psyched we were at the beginning of the season? This guy had so much determination; he threatened to jump ship to Europe if he got assigned to Grand Rapids this year. We were sure that he was one of the main characters who would step up to provide offensive power this season. Ha.

I don't care that I'm probably in the vast minority with this one. I know a lot of people hate Bertuzzi; I'm actually ambivalent toward him. It's maddening how many turnovers Bert allows, but he's also capable of making beautiful and timely defensive plays, which is more than most people, including me, expected from him. Leino doesn't even do that. Most of the time, he's just invisible on the ice. He's this year's Tomas Kopecky; perhaps he's a little more naturally gifted than Kopecky, but it very rarely amounts to anything significant on the ice, so what difference does it actually make?

In order to extricate himself from my shit list, he needs to produce. Now. He has played in 22 games, but has only produced five points. By comparison, Valtteri Filppula, who only played half that number of games before his injury, has six points. Jesus Christ, even Brett Lebda has four points. Bert has nine points. Fucking Todd Bertuzzi! I'm going to stop writing this before my head explodes. Hope you all are enjoying your holiday. For Black Friday, I'm buying myself a fifth of Jack to gear down for the pair of games this weekend.

I got nothing.

How can you possibly expect me to come up with a title at this time? How could I possibly choose just a few succinct words to describe how I'm feeling right now, at this very moment?

The Wings lost 6-5 in a shootout tonight.

This was after the Oilers scored the first goal of the game 0:42 into the first period. And after they scored the second goal of the game before the first half of the first period was up. And after they converted a Wings penalty to make the game 3-0 before the first buzzer. And after the Oilers took to the ice at the beginning of the second and made the game 4-0 within the first minute of the second period. And after the Wings rebounded from a 5-1 deficit to tie up the game, forcing overtime, after the Oilers shat themselves for the duration of the third period.

It was after the Wings fired off forty-five shots.

It was after Darren Helm and Patrick Eaves each scored their first goals of the season--Mr. Helm with his first career regular-season goal ever, despite being a postseason phenomenon last spring.

It was after Todd Bertuzzi finally had some luck with the net.

It was after a disgusting number of shots by the likes of Kris Draper, Henrik Zetterberg, Pavel Datsyuk, Nicklas Lidstrom, et al., bounced off the post or somehow off Nikolai Khabibulin (bleh).

It was after the Wings rebounded during the latter part of the game, controlling play, keeping the puck out of their own zone for the most part, after being dry humped by the Oilers all throughout the neutral zone and in their own territory during the early portion of the game.

And then it all came down to a shootout, in which, apparently, Datsyuk and Zetterberg had given up the idea of trying to put some stank on their shots. I love shootouts, as long as they don't involve my team.

I kinda don't feel anything. Maybe frustrated due to the loss after all that? Maybe weirdly optimistic due to the comeback (i.e., the Wings deciding to give a shit for at least 1/3 of the game tonight)? Maybe just kinda bleh. Super bleh. Super fuck.

***

Brian was correct on a comment he left on the Tuesday recap: Jimmy Howard scares the shit outta me with his rebounds. He made some spectacular saves tonight; conversely, how much did my heart skip a beat when a loose rebound squeaked toward the slot? Howard has fast reflexes and is obviously a quick-thinking goaltender, but his puck-handling has got to improve.

***

Yeah. So, guess who has two thumbs and felt like a total jackass. Of all the songs that could have possibly played during the game tonight, and of all the songs that could have been chosen by the Rexall Place maestro to pump up the crowd for one of Edmonton's power plays (one of the ones they ended up converting), of course "Cat Scratch Fever" was it. I can't believe that rat bastard Ted Nugent betrayed me. My permanent dibs are officially off.

***

Is this the end of the world? Aside from my breakup with Ted Nugent, no. I'm just extremely frustrated right now. This is a horrible way to lose. On top of wanting my team to win for obvious reasons, winning this game tonight would have made an amazing statement that the team is on the right track. Tonight's play was horribly inconsistent and maddening. What else is there to say?

***

Holy fuck on a stick: I just checked the news to see if there were any updates on Valtteri Filppula since he left the ice mid-game with an undisclosed injury. Per the Detroit Free Press, Filppula will be out for 6-8 weeks due to a broken wrist. Sigh.

I guess tonight's just one of those nights, huh?

The Wings lost to Buffalo, 6-2.

I'm going to be honest with you; I didn't watch the game. I'm one of the oh-so-lucky DirecTV customers who are getting royally screwed every single time a Wings game is broadcast on Versus.

But that's neither here nor there.

I've watched the highlights--can we really call them that? I'd say lowlights, but that sounds like I'm going to spend the remainder of the blog discussing the players' coifs--and I'm just kinda at a loss of what to say.

I feel I have to say the requisite statement, as a Wings fan, that not every goal was Ozzie's fault. He got pulled after five goals against, so one of them was definitely not his fault, as it was on Howard's watch. (Come on, we take what we can get. Laugh a little. It was a cute joke.) From what I saw in one of the clips, Brad Stuart seemed to have his head up his ass again. What the hell is up with this guy?

More thoughts, based on what little I've seen:

--Absolutely adored the Homer redirected goal. This guy is off to a great start this season, and I couldn't be happier for him, especially because there are many people, Detroit fans included, who were ready to write him off as too over the hill and too beat up from years of abuse. Keep it coming, Homer; we need you. Badly.

--It's too bad Valtteri Filppula didn't convert on the penalty shot. The team was already trailing by four, but at least it would have been badass.

I had just typed that I was not going to look up stats because I wasn't in the mood; I was just going to type some random shit, go to bed, then look up a bunch of stuff tomorrow and write a somewhat coherent post. But I couldn't help myself. And now I wish I could undo it.

Why in holy FUCK is there not a single player on the Wings' roster with a positive +/- overall?!

The entire team combined for a -20. Yes. A negative twenty.

The best anybody did was break even.

By contrast, the Sabres' team +/- was a +20.

I guess this is to expected when you allow 6 GA in one game. But it's still gut-wrenching.

Another question worth asking: How in the hell does a team with seemingly no offensive presence score six goals against arguably the best two-way team in the league?

Bleh.

On the positive side, at least this game does not matter. It is one game of 82. The only people it genuinely matters to are Buffalo fans, sort of, because I'm sure they're psyched, and to naysayers who are always ragging on the Wings and champing at the bit to be the first to pinpoint the exact second the Wings' demise begins.

This team isn't in our division. It's not in our conference. It's 1/82 of the season. Take a deep breath. Let it go.

The Wings face Los Angeles later in the week. I'm suing the Kings. I just winked. You can't see it. (Bonus points for you if you are an Arrested Development fan AND you're reading this blog AND you're a Red Wings fan. Can the world really handle this much awesome?)

Goodnight, ladies and gents.

Yippee! Wings win 3-2 over Caps.

To be honest, I wasn't feeling this game at first; I was far too nervous about the absence of Johan Franzen and the addition of Patrick Eaves and the presence (again) of Derek Meech. You know how the universe will implode if too much awesomeness occurs simultaneously? Yeah, the exact opposite of that is what I'm trying to say.

The Wings really got going during the 3rd period, though, after the 1st and 2nd periods being kinda flukey and weird, and ended up on top at the final buzzer.

Quick thoughts on tonight's game, in no particular order:

--Homer scored a GOOOOOOOOAL! His second of the season. This brought a huge smile on my face.

--The first Caps goal was complete junk, and I was mad at Ozzie for letting it in. I got over it eventually because he made some great saves tonight, but ugh. So goes the plight of every Wings fan--we all understand this.

--The Datsyuk/Zetterberg/Bertuzzi line seemed a little rusty at first, but ended up playing pretty well. The Twins had some great scoring chances, particularly in the 3rd period, and they had me out of my seat, jumping up and down, on more than one occasion. Bert is looking far better than I had anticipated, also; so far, he is my favorite of the new additions. Zetterberg skated much better tonight than on Thursday against the Hawks.

--I wish Dan Cleary would do more of what he did during the playoffs. This guy is so good at those gritty goals. We need some of that.

--Jason Williams reminds me of Mikael Samuelsson in that he has a strong slapshot that sometimes finds its way into the net. Jason Williams reminds me of Mikael Samuelsson in that he has a strong slapshot that sometimes finds its way into 4 or 5 people in front of the net. Tonight, it was the former; therefore, he does not receive any of my wrath.

--Valterri Filppula had a great hit on Alexander Ovechkin. It's gotta feel good to topple that guy.

--I wonder who woke up Tom Poti and Brian Pothier for the game.

--That whole dislodged net/lack of whistle thing irritated me. I guess it's negated by the questionable call on Mike Green for slashing Ville Leino in the 3rd period, but it still pissed me off.

--Ville Leino had another stellar game. His skating had stood out for me after each game so far this season; in fact, he is one of the most memorable skaters on the team. I'm glad he is proving wrong my initial worries about him.

--Still on the fence about Patrick Eaves. He skated well tonight, made some good passes, but overall, I feel pretty ambivalent toward him. Time will tell.

--I can't believe Derek Meech and the boarding penalty. I hate it when people on our team play this way. As a Wings fan, I'm spoiled by our team not having stereotypically dirty players, so I don't like it when one of our players commits a dirty penalty. Boo to Meech for this one.

--I miss Johan Franzen.

That's all for now. I'm pumped that we won the game tonight, but the Franzen news still = a dark cloud over the future. It's one of those things that can't be changed, and the best thing to do, as a fan, is just focus on the awesome members of the team who are making things happen. But it still sucks ass. Bleh.

Who wants a beer?