21 October 2010

Wings extinguish Flames 4-2.

After a rest period of no fewer than 2.5 light years, Red Wings hockey returned tonight with a visit by the Calgary Flames to the Joe.

--How fitting was each of the Wings' four goals tonight? Zetterberg with his Flying Circus comrades, then Lidstrom, both of whom were previously goal-less in the young season, scored absolute Miss-Universe-with-real-cans beauties of goals, then Franzen scored on an otherwise indescribable Franzenesque chance off Kiprusoff's person. Kinda makes me regret the decision to tell B earlier in the game that Kipper always plays against us like he has a chip on his shoulder... Oh, and how about that last one from "I still have a purpose here" Man o'Lantern? Happy early Halloween, kiddos.

--Jimmy Howard looked absolutely on point tonight. While naysayers and worrywarts fret about sophomore slumps, he's kicking ass, taking names and probably nailing your girlfriend...in your girlfriend's dreams.

--In reference to Ruslan Salei's net-lifting, I have just one thing to say: Maybe we should kiss again to teach him a lesson about obvious. If you don't know, now you know.

--Anybody fascinated by the concept of time travel should probably get in touch with Mark Giordano, as I'm pretty sure he visited 1956 and stole Elizabeth Taylor's eyebrows.

--Speaking of pretty, anybody else still a little skeeved out by Mickey's talkgasm over seeing a helmet-less Kronner early in the game? I think it went a little something like, "Oh, my, that's a beautiful sight..." followed by some grumble-sighs, but it's all mostly fuzzy and redacted in my mind's eye. Something about a switch flipping to prevent the ol' PTSD from reoccurring...

--Jarome Iginla must dislike playing us.

--Yeah, it goes without saying on this site, and yeah, I've written several odes to the guy explaining exactly how I feel, but it's a new season, and I've gotta say it again: There will come a day when we no longer see Homer's upset face jabbering at opponents between whistles. Until that day, I move that FSD establish a permanent Homer Iso-Cam so we can watch him go through the motions of being Tomas Fucking Holmstrom at all times.

--Curtis Glencross is challenging Mason Raymond for TSO's favorite "Could Be a West Virginian" name. Negative points for not having a full name comprised of two first names, but bonus points for having a compound surname that sounds like either country directions ("I think she lives out on the bypass, at the glencross") or a country threat ("Imma cut that bitch if I don't glencross her first").

--Finally, since I know there are so many of you who found your way here because we're the top two Google results for "Doug Janik falls down" (check it, ingrates!), what about that time Doug Janik fell down tonight? Clock that one into the ol' spank bank, boys and girls.

Tonight's win felt fan-fucking-tastic. Let's do it again on Saturday against the Quacks.

14 October 2010

Tonight's game was one of them flaming bags again...

Good things about tonight's game:

During said game, I downloaded an Antoine Dodson soundboard for my Android. So I got that going for me.

Things that were bad about the game:

Things involving ice.

The cries of "Eat a dick Ozzie" were heard round the Twitterverse. Brad Stuart was apparently abducted before the game and replaced by Rig (or at least he played like that over-sized shit filled colostomy bag who attempts to play defense) . We all waited with baited breath for the Kari Lehtonen catastrophic injury that didn't happen (I had tonight in the office pool). A dumpster fire all around.

Here are some thoughts to cheer you up, because as you know, I'm a glass-half-full kind of cat:

1. Currently on VH1, Rocky 4 is on, right at the point Rocky is giving his "If I can change, you can change" speech that ended the Cold War.

2. Todd Bertuzzi didn't kill anyone...that we know of.

3. It's Friday.

4. Following up Rocky 4 on VH1? Road House.

Kick back and enjoy the weekend. There's a lot more hockey ahead.

13 October 2010

Calm the fuck down.

The Wings should not have lost tonight.

It is, however, early. No one should be worried at all. I saw it, a little bit so far. Some folks need to be talked off ledges...IN OCTOBER. Breathe, people. Deep, cleansing breaths. It is going to be ok.

How do I know this? So far this season you've seen the Wings be at times unstoppable. The beautiful, fluid motion we've seen in the past...we're seeing it, right now, at times. For the Anaheim game, we saw it for the entire game. At Chicago, we saw it less. Tonight, well, we saw some...but we also saw mistakes and letdowns.

It's a growing process. We're working in those few new pieces, and now we have a few injuries to worry about. Bottom line?

It's game three. Let's all relax.

On to some game-time thoughts:

1. Hey, Mr. Janik...Next time there's a fight, walk away. I'd prefer not to ever have to deal with seeing that again. Or maybe you could just fall down before it starts.

2. Peter Budaj - Is Budaj Slovak for "Worst goaltender currently playing not named Andrew Raycroft"? Just curious.

3. Peter Budaj's helmet is a complete fucking dumpster fire.

4. The Wings couldn't even get ONE in the shootout? Really?

5. Jimmy, friend, not your best work. The O'Reilly goal is a must stop 10 times out of 10.

6. Until he's retired, I will ALWAYS hate Adam Foote and his stupid damn face. Just the very look of him makes me wish someone would Kronwall him.

7. Kronner...Did you misplace the Harry Potter glasses tonight, sir? What the fuck was on your mind tonight?

8. So many things tonight, in flashes, looked amazing. Mule's dominance. Cleary is flying around like a crazy person (I think it's because he's still mad at me). Hudler (or Hooler, if you rather) looks great. So many things this season have looked great so far. Just gotta iron out the rough spots.

9. Not missed tonight? Ericsson's "physical presence". Hopefully someone gets the joke.

10. You will be missed Mr. Maltby. Hell of a career, sir.

That's my sleepy game for tonight. Just remember folks - It's going to be ok.

10 October 2010

Dropping deuces on Chicago's little party

Before we get to my thoughts on the game tonight, let's talk for a second about Chicago's little Stanley Cup party and their upcoming season...

Seriously, what the fuck was that?

I mean, really, what was that? What were you trying to do? You trot out every single member of the staff ever. You run a full montage of players who aren't there anymore to the tune of a shitty U2 song. You trot out Edzo to run off at the mouth about god knows what. I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to accomplish with your little "We're awesome!" dog and pony show, but I promise, it was way worse than you imagine.

So yes, celebrate. It's fine. Really. Because the way you donkey-punched your salary cap for the duration of Brian Campbell's life, well, it's the last one you'll see for a while, I'm sure. I'd feel bad for Q-Stache and the gang if I thought for a moment they were capable of feeling real feelings somewhere in the far reaches of their dark, empty souls.

So yes, on to my hockey-related thoughts for the weekend:
  • In regards to the Anaheim game - Fuck them. It's hard to waste a great deal of time hating a team that is terrible at hockey and not particularly good at anything outside of ridiculous thuggery. It was rewarding to see the Wings be able to move up and down the ice and do basically whatever they wanted for most of the game.
  • Jimmy looked stupid good against Anaheim. Almost makes you forget about the silly number of turnovers and odd man rushes allowed. It's hard to believe he's ours.
  • It looked like throwback Ozzie out there tonight against Chicago. He looked competent. Dare I say, even...good. Sure, goal number two was weak-ish, but he made a couple of great game-saving stops. Glad to see you back, sir.
  • Last note regarding goaltending - Marty Turco really looks like he's trying to do add a degree or two of difficulty, doesn't he? He makes basic shit look really, really clusterfuck-ish. Dallas fans probably giggled a little bit in the off season when they heard someone was paying him more than $10.50 an hour to do ridiculous shit (and be a starter, no less!). I bet they wish they could have afforded that extra $750,000 for Niemi's arbitration award, eh?
  • When your crunch time lineup in any way involves Mr. 21 points himself Tomas Kopecky, well, that doesn't bode well for your season (seriously, he was on the ice in the final minute! FOR REAL). Chicago fans would be fearful if they even knew he was on the fucking team. THEY ARE BANDWAGONERS, in layman's terms.
  • People who say Chicago won't make the playoffs are wrong. They will. They still have arguably the best top defense pairing in the league in Seabrook and Keith. They still have Toews and Kane. But, damn, are they top-heavy. It's like one good line and a complete abortion after that. When people like Kopecky, some guy named Pirri, and Fernando Pisani's ulcerative colitis are prominently involved, well, let's just say the word "repeat" won't be thrown around as much as Chicago's fanbase would like (whatever is left of it after the start of the season. BANDWAGONERS, that's what I'm trying to tell ya).
  • It's nice seeing Dan Cleary hooked up to the juvenation machine. As someone who has said previously I didn't like his game...nights like tonight and Friday change my mind. When he holds that puck till the last second, knowing he's going to get the shit knocked out of him, just to make a play...you need guys like him. My apologies, Buckets.
  • Hope you enjoyed playing last night, Rig, as I believe you've lost your job to Mr. Kindl. Good game by him.
  • A sweet game time observation courtesy of Nat - "Did Filppula attend the Briere and Leino school of not being a vag?" Why, yes, it looks like he did. Way stronger on the puck.
  • An overall observation - It's great to see Red Wings hockey this year. I don't mean the game itself, but the style of play. Skill through the neutral zone. Carrying the puck in. Not the same dump and chase, grind it out team we had last year. I missed this.
  • The top horses look as such again. Hank, Pav, they all look 100% better than last year.
  • And lastly - Todd Bertuzzi took a dumb penalty by basically riding a guy. Glad to see he's in mid-season form. I really don't mind that he's here, but I am saying his IQ is probably hovering somewhere around Brick Tamland territory.
  • Either way, it's great to see hockey back. Life makes sense again.
  • Oh, and a quick plug - If you have an Android phone, check out an app written by friend of the blog Crater. It's called NHL Hockey Feeds, and its neat/easy to use. Search for it in the Android market (either by its name, or author Michael J Gorman, if you rather) if you're interested in making it easier to follow your favorite team on Twitter.
I have to thank Nat for her contribution here. Without her, half these Chicago related quips wouldn't exist. Go Wings. Strong start to the season...