10 March 2010

It's Wednesday.

We don't have one of our normal questions today.

Why? (Shit, does that count?)

Because today is the day immediately following last night's shitshow. My brain is fried. I can't think straight. I don't want to talk about actual hockey, even something as gratuitous as our typical Wednesday questions.

But we have to do something today. We can't just sit around and wallow in our own misery and hopelessness.

While talking to our bud Petrella earlier, he suggested going in a completely un-hockey-related route. He then proceeded to propose a question of two movies I've never seen before (subsequently, he no longer believes me when I state that I hail from Planet Awesome). My neurons wouldn't even allow me to come up with two other films worth discussing. Crap.

So, here's what we're going to do:

Describe your ideal dinner party of five guests, real or fictional, and elaborate on why you chose each guest.

Fun times, right?

My dinner table would look something like this:

Around the table there, clockwise from the left, we have Andy Botwin, Charlie Kelly, Andy Bernard, yours truly, George Oscar Bluth (G.O.B.), and Tomas Holmstrom. (Please note that--myself excluded--there is only one nonfictional character at my table.)

A. Andy Botwin

I recently started getting into Weeds. I'm almost done with the second season, and seriously--this guy took his 12-year-old uncool nephew to a happy ending "massage parlor" when said nephew complained about no one wanting to give him an HJ in school. Class act, all the way. More relatives should take a proactive role in this regard. His tagline should be: "Uncles: Preventing Loserdom in Adolescents Since 2005."

Oh, and did I mention he gave the single greatest speech on self-pleasure since, well, ever?

B. Charlie Kelly

I'm a little hesitant to invite the best character from It's Always Sunny over to a dinner party since the show makes it clear that he almost always smells like poo. But really, how could I omit the guy who brought us the fine art of "going American all over everyone's ass"?

Also, let's not forget that time Charlie and Mac were working in a mailroom and Charlie had a straight-up meltdown. Anybody else working in the professional world ever feel like pulling one of those? Oh, say, every single fucking day? Teach us your ways, Mr. Kelly.

C. Andy Bernard

Everyone's favorite sycophant, the "Nard-Dog." Another example of someone who had a meltdown at work, only he sprung back with great success. I choose Mr. Bernard, though, because he is by far my favorite character of The Office, dressing like a U.Va. undergrad and always dropping insights on his peers like the following:

D. G.O.B.

Oh, where do I even begin with this zany Bluth brother? He may not be the brother I have a real, actual crush on (hi, Jason Bateman), but I can't imagine the most well-known character of Arrested Development being played by anyone other than Will Arnett. Anyone ever experienced the feeling of immense disappointment upon discovering that your probable soulmate is a fictional character? It's not for nothing that I've long since adopted "I've made a huge mistake" as my personal anthem.

E. Tomas Holmstrom

Enough said, really. For the record, I am inviting the semi-fictional version of Homer that we've all crafted here at TSO: you know, the one with the Viking swords, and the crazy caveman relationship with his wife, and the night-howling...wait, why are we still pretending this is fictional?

(Whoever made that video, you are now my new best friend.)


  1. 10 points for Motörhead...

    I would invite:
    1. Frank Zappa - Because I'd love to see how he'd behave and get some of his views on stuff. He also hated eating dinner conventionally, so this could be fun. For extra credit he could randomly say his song titles or song title ideas like "i promise not to come in your mouth" and "why don't you wash that thing?"

    2. Barney Stinson - Because that guy's awesome. Everyone should have Barney as a friend.

    3. Kristen Bell - In hope that she'd stayb behind after dinner.

    4. Gary Bettman - So I could throw food at his ugly shitface

    5. Stevie Y - Needs no explanation

  2. Lemmy love! I think that did more to alleviate the pain of my miserable headache than all the Motrin I have consumed today. Vicodin is next...or more Lemmy.

    1. Joe Strummer (Well, if Andy can invite the dead...)

    2. Stiv Bators (Yep, dead too but he was a friendly dude and knew how to trash a bar. RIP Swingos! Good times.)

    3. Michael Weston (For my fictional character because he knows so many tricks.)

    4. Bruce Campbell (Because he is America's greatest living actor!)

    5. Micky Redmond (Because you know he's bringing the ginger ales and you know he's got some good stories.)

  3. So we can invite dead guys?

    1.Ayrton Senna (the F1 driver)

    2.Ferris Bueller (dead people can, fictional people can)

    3.Darren Helm (corpses and imaginary friends in, deity in)

    4.Bill Simmons (my favorite sports journalist talks about sports just 5% of the time)

    5.My girlfriend (or she wouldn't let me go to the dinner)

  4. haha, nice Herm... It seems like we have shared my twin Gods of Zappa and Helm between us

  5. Awesome awesome list. Extra extra points/lovin' for Charlie Kelly.

    I'm gonna go with the following:
    1. Jimi Hendrix
    2. Terry Sawchuk
    3. Also Kristen Bell
    4. The Chief
    5. Pinky

  6. This one is hard. I've thought about this. I could go with the corpse of Smokey Robinson, but instead....

    1. Elliot Smith. My favorite musician.

    2. Steve Yzerman. Obvious reasons.

    3. Daniel Negreanu. Because I have a gambling problem; and he could help me suck less! And he's a riot.

    4. Kevin Smith. I know that one will get me mocked by some, but the guy is funny. I'd even pay for the two seats to fly him here. HEY OH!

    5. Since my ideal answer of Charlie Kelly has been used (curses!), i'd have to go with......Chuck Klosterman.

  7. 1. Mr. Herbert from Family Guy. He could teach me some excellent pick up lines like "Would you like to come in for a cupcake and a glass of wine?" He could also suggest some contests like "Whoever can take the most Tylenol PM wins."

    2. Nik Kronwall. So I have something to look at.

    3. Larry David. I like to laugh and he is a very funny man.

    4. John Stewart. We could talk politics and laugh.

    And before I reveal #5 I would like to say that Arrested Development is THE BEST TV SHOW THAT WAS EVER WRITTEN. (What, her?) Drum roll please.

    5. Lucille Bluth. Because we could do shots together and she said the best quote of all time: "I'd cry but I can't spare the moisture."

  8. I've never been good at things like this, but for you I'll give it a shot. As long as I can bring The Neverending Story and Labyrinth and end this charade of supposed Planet Awesome citizenship, when clearly viewing these is a prerequisite.

    1. Homer Simpson in hopes that I'm treated to such gems as "badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse" and "WE HAVE A KITCHEN?!"

    2. Tyler Durden. Assuming he's not actually my much cooler alter-ego (SPOILER ALERT), homeboy knows how to party and theoretically brings toilet gloves for some reason.

    3. Alicia Keys. She's an unbelievably cool chick in real life. And not bad to look at.

    4. Chris Chelios. To regale us with tales of Cleopatra and put to bed, once and for all, if Helen of Troy was really that hot. And knowing Jeremy Roenick.

    5. Maury Povich. Just so I can hear "you are NOT the father" once in a while, and be reminded how awesome this night has been.

  9. Casey, if you love It's Always Sunny, I MAY be able to forgive you for being a Hokie. MAYBE.

    Brian, you stole who I wanted to use by using him yesterday (Kenny Powers)!

    Dena, can I just say...Arrested Development absolutely WAS the greatest show of all time! Seriously: Soulmates Forever (SSF!).

    Sincerely, Natalie the Never-Nude

  10. I just have to throw in two more people and I know it's against the 5 people max:

    Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone.

    "The last time a mosquito bit me it had to check into Betty Ford."

  11. Dena,

    Can I be invited to the Edina and Patsy party? Before every big decision (or little one for that matter), I say to myself "what would Edina and Patsy do?" and then I have a(some) drink(s).

  12. Krononymous,

    Absolutely! (derr) But the party has to be you, me, Patsy, Eddie, Lucille Bluth, and Barbara Reynolds, Frank's whoore wife. I think that we could teach the youngins a thing or four.

  13. Brian,

    "Fargo Rock City" changed my life. I repeat, changed...my...life. "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" was pretty cool too. They are only overshadowed by "The Dirt".

  14. Late to the party, per usual. I'm going with a cinema-themed post here, but all of these are "time in the movie" specific.

    Cole Trickle from Days of Thunder before the wreck with Rowdy.

    Brock Landers from Boogie Nights before they started doing a ton of coke and things went downhill.

    [Damnit...have to go drop a spike...list: Aborted. I was failing anyway. Apologies.]