13 April 2010

Stop! It's the mothafuckin playoffs.


Holy fuck.

It's finally here. All those months of agony and ecstasy, pleasure and pain, boners and buzzkills--and now we get to do it all over again.

It's a great day to be a hockey fan.

More specifically, it's a great day to be a Red Wings fan. My favorite Red Wings hat is perched atop my desk for all to see. (I triple-dog-dare a horrible Pens' fan to stroll in here and say a word--one. fucking. word.) Jerseys will be worn on casual sex Fridays. Red will be worn on every other game day during the workweek. Brian will be holding down the Winged Wheel in Atlantic City this Friday, sporting his jersey and always-awesome red stubbly pre-beard.

We're pulling out the big guns for the postseason, and we hope you'll join us. That's right: Get out your talismans, voodoo dolls, nipple-clamps and electro-powered boxsprings and come along for the ride.

First things first: Following the Olympic break, we instituted a creed here to get us in the zone for the final stretch of the regular season. Now, with a few tweaks and additions, we present you the following:

The Even More Newly Minted TSO Creed: Uber-Special Playoff Edition

1. We believe in the power of the 19th consecutive year the Wings have made the playoffs.

2. We believe Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Johan Franzen, Valtteri Filppula, and Tomas Holmstrom are on a white-hot roll and are just warming up, for sure.

3. We believe in the power of Jimmy Howard, rookie extraordinaire, to stop pucks with his aura. (Do the pucks even touch him?!)

4. We believe it's now Dan Cleary's lot in life to make Brian James look like a complete jackass. (It's working!)

5. We still believe in Mike Babcock. Period.

6. We believe in the unmatched awesomeness of our blueline, as well as our forwards who own both ends of the ice. (If someone's reading this who doesn't believe in that, I will fucking KRONWALL your ass.)

7. We believe in Patrick Eaves notching a Gordie Howe hat trick at some point during the Wings' playoff run. (And, since shootouts are a no-go, there will be no #Eavesing of oneself, only of others, which is not only tolerated but wholeheartedly encouraged.)

8. We still believe in the kill.

9. We will always believe in dancing with Lord Stanley in June. Period.

Game 1 versus the Phoenix Coyotes is tonight. Moments like right now are when I most wish I had a DeLorean. Why? So I could travel back to nine months ago, before I knew that the Coyotes would even stay in Phoenix, let alone make the playoffs, and place some huge bets. It's as surprising as my realization last weekend, approximately 20 years late, that I rock at batting left-handed. (Don't laugh. I had a painful childhood. My therapist tells me it's ok to say that in the face of adversity.)

The playoffs are such a magical time of the year. In addition to watching the Wings do their thing, there are so many other fascinating matchups to track. Home crowds ablaze in team colors, players trash-talking the opposition. Lots of #FuckYeah to go around. That brings me to our Wednesday question this week:

Which non-Wings quarterfinal pairing (either Conference) most interests/excites/titillates you?

I'm sure that Brian's answer will be Pittsburgh/Ottawa because of how much he loooves Ottawa. [Insert eye roll, for the sarcastically-challenged.]

Other than the Wings, I'm most looking forward to watching the Chicago/Nashville series. Division rivals who both play exciting, tight hockey; however, both teams still have their textbook "What ifs?" hanging over their heads. Will the Hawks' offensive power be too much for the Preds? Or will Rinne stand tall and give Chicago a run for their money? The Preds are one of those teams that come on strong against tough opponents and scare the shit outta me every time the Wings play them. That being said, you know whose side we'll be on. (Sorry, K of C.)

What say the rest of you? Who are you looking forward to watching?

Finally, per the usual, some standbys to get us really, really pumped:


  1. When Brian's in AC, he better be rocking a fedora along with that Red Wings jersey (the Hat Revolution begins NOW!!).
    This post is full of win. :) Go Wings!

  2. Aw, Kronner! My love blooms anew every time I see that hit. Thanks so much for posting it. And the Cleary goal. It reminds me of how happy I am that we don't have to face the Poultry. And Homer and his Swedish Santa. Gary and his minions can attempt to keep Homer from scoring but it's not going to happen.

    Non-Wings series I am in to has to be Hawks/Nashville because I just hope they beat the crap out of each other.

    Now that I have donned a Red Wings t-shirt, I am properly attired for an afternoon of yard work. It's about the only thing that will keep me from staring at the clock. Is it 10:00 pm yet?

  3. I like the Bruins, so of course I'll be following their series. Not that I expect it to be terribly exciting - if more than 3 goals are scored by the 2 teams combined in any of those games, I'll be shocked. I'm looking forward to Chicago-Nashville and NJ-Philly also - they seem like they could be entertaining and go on for awhile.

    Truth be told, I'll probably watch a little of every series, except for Ottawa-Pittsburgh, because seriously, WHY would I watch that.

  4. I like Nash vs, Chicago.. it could get real tight. Same goes for Sens vs. Pens

  5. My Leastern Conference team is Buffalo, so I hope they will go far into the playoffs. This is because of Big Bro Millsie. A class act and Captain America to me. He is also a fellow Spartan, so our blood IS the same color....

    My hopes are that Chicago/Bubba, NJ/Philly, and the Sharts/Vagalanche beat up on each other sooo bad that they cease to exist.

    And I hope with all of my being that Shitsburgh goes out in the first round. That would truly make me as giddy as a little schoolgirl.