14 January 2010

Red Wings vs. Tropical Storms - A Running Diary

So, tonight the Wings are taking on the Carolina Hurricanes. Generally, it’s hard to get up for a seemingly meaningless regular season game against the worst team in hockey, but this season is different. To borrow a phrase from the lovely folks at Nightmare on Helm Street, this game has turned into a "must not lose". Bundle that with the fact that the Wings, for whatever reason, cannot get up for bad teams, and you have an extremely worried fan base...

But I'm still going to talk an ample amount of shit. Why? Because it’s the Hurricanes. The Carolina Hurricanes. THE LAST PLACE HURRICANES. I have the added personal benefit of knowing a Hurricanes fan! My good friend Chris Mullan, one time co-worker, now Raleigh, NC, resident, is a fairly big Hurricanes fan. Is he the only one? Probably. The Hurricanes should be harmless; however, I'm going give you a list of reasons to dislike them:

1. They used to be the Hartford Whalers. The Mighty Whale. Remember seeing them when you played NHL 93? Hearing their song when a goal was scored? That was something, wasn't it? Hartford probably sucks as a town. The Whalers were badass, and now they're in Carolina, and that's unfortunate.

2. Their jerseys. Much has been written about these things, but my, they are a piece of work. They look like a bag of runny shit and throw-up all mixed together.

3. As noted by TPL today, Rod Brind'Amour looks like an asshole.

4. Personally, I don't like warm weather hockey. Is it irrational? Sure, but if it’s warm there in winter, it feels unnatural.

5. It’s disappointing that most fans who show up to their games are saddened by the fact that the game is actually NOT NASCAR on ice.

Do they have a dedicated fan base? Maybe. But who cares? It’s Carolina. So, to commemorate the hopeful Wings beatdown of my friend's team, I decided to honor the occasion with a running diary (a concept I fully accept that I am borrowing from Bill Simmons, TTD, Fight Night at the Joe, and any others out there who have done the same, and probably better)! Here’s hoping I don’t eat my words.


7:31 – Welcome from the Scrappy Hacienda (even our house is scrappy)! Mickey Redmond just winked at me personally (Natalie says it was at her. Whatever). One point out of a playoff spot? Definitely a must-not lose.

7:34 – The first Murph appearance. He looks a bit flushed and is probably already half in the bag.


7:41 – The Big Rig’s first appearance on the ice. It is good to see. Why? No more Doug Janik. (Wouldn’t you rather it have been no more Derek Meech? He can eat a dick.)

7:43 – Something to note: the Cleary, Filpula, Miller line looks good tonight. As does the Hank, Datsyuk, and Bert line. Somewhere, Michael Petrella takes another bitter drink.

7:49 – Nice scoring chance by Lidstrom set up by Datsyuk. He looks like a man possessed. My question: Is it really so difficult to get up like that every game? Typing that makes me sad.

7:53 – Nat is reading a cookbook while watching the game. This would be a great time to point out that in addition to being amazing, funny, smart, etc., she’s also an amazing cook. If there were an #H2H cookoff, she would win.

7:55 – Penalty on someone named Jerome Sampson. Can anyone state definitively that they have heard of him before tonight? If so, you’re a better person than me.

7:56 – LIDSTROM SCORES! Slapshot and a great screen by Drew Miller. 1-0 Wings. Confused, Carolina fans clamor for the Hurricanes to change Crew Chiefs.

8:05 – Jimmy looks good so far tonight. He’ll need it, as Fil just went to the box for tripping.

8:06 – Patrick Eaves is one scrappy little son of a bitch. Two pucks to the upper body, and he still gets the clear on the PK. Who else hopes this kid is back next season? ME, ME!!!! Observation from Natalie, and I quote: “This is the worst group of puck handlers I’ve ever seen”, in reference to Carolina. On a related note, Carolina is in last place.

8:08 – How did Fil not bury that pass from Datsyuk? Hot damn. When Datsyuk is playing like this, when he’s in “Fuck you, I’m Pavel Datsyuk” mode, he really is amazing to watch. Unfortunately, he is only that guy every third game nowadays.

8:10 – The Wings lead 1-0 at the end of one. First period observations:

1. The Wings look MUCH better tonight.
2. John Keating and Murph drank before the game. A LOT.
3. Jimmy is on tonight.
4. I’m EXTREMELY thankful to NOT have to hear about Lidstrom’s goal drought anymore.
5. Mickey York’s hair is certainly spiky enough to kill a guy.

8:19 – Intermission entertainment: Iron Chef America, Morimoto vs. some poor soul who will get pummeled by Morimoto. It may be cliché to say it, but Morimoto is easily one of the baddest men on the planet. If you say that to someone, and they disagree with you, that’s a clear indicator they are a Communist.

8:24 – Just got delivered a bowl of ice cream by Nat. She rules. I just saw a commercial for a show on the Food Network about a kitchen boot camp for people who can’t cook. My question – How am I NOT on that show? A quick list of things I’ve literally set on fire while cooking: two ovens (pizza), spinach, green beans, Spaghetti-O’s (they were literally black). I have given food poisoning to Nat with undercooked chicken. Um, I shouldn’t be allowed near a kitchen. Ever. Thankfully, I can peel a mean potato.

Second Period

8:29 – Howard leaves a juicy rebound in front, but these are the Hurricanes, so it’s ok. Jussi Jokinen tries to commit homicide on Kerry Frazer via Helm. Detroit power play.

8:30 – Drew Miller, you old so-and-so. 5th of the season. Right place, right time. I love what this kid brings to the table. Is he a 4th liner when we’re healthy? Sure. But I like him.

8:32 – Natalie: “Ref, yah suspect!” regarding the non-penalty shot slashing call. Whatever. Another power play goal?

8:34 – No power play goal. Best chance was a Carolina shot on their own goal. Is it possible to simply erase the fact that Carolina won a cup? Can’t we all agree it never happened?

8:40 – Excellent breakaway chance by Bert, who is playing well tonight. He really is skating like he has something to prove to Michael Petrella personally. Maybe he read a certain list……?

8:45 – Power play comes and goes. The Wings with several good chances. How terrible would Carolina be if Cam Ward weren’t there? And how badly do you think he’d like to be ANYWHERE else?

8:48 – My favorite moment thusfar? Fil making Brind’Amour look like an asshole.

8:56 – Bert just hit the post. I think I just saw him mouth the words “Love me TPL. Won’t you love me?” Natalie: “You know what Bert’s favorite clothing store is? The Gap”. HA!

9:00 – Ward saves on a breakaway, then on a giveaway, and another without a mask. Wow. He is ridiculous in goal. Anyone remember that series against Buffalo in the playoffs? When Ward is on, he is REALLY good. I’m not trying to pile on, but other than Ward, the Hurricanes REALLY look like a last place team.

9:03 - End of the 2nd, 2-0 Wings. Intermission ahead, or as Carolina fans refer to it, “Time for a pit stop”. Intermission entertainment will be Office Space. Timeless.

Third Period

9:26 – Three minutes into the third and the Wings look good. FSN just showed a goaltender stat graphic. I only mention this to state that Tukka Rask and Ilya Bryzgalov are two of the goofiest looking people I’ve ever seen. Thank god goaltending doesn’t require you to be pretty.

9:32 – Nice save by Jimmy on a redirect. Jimmy looks great, and Carolina is impotent. Mickey is confusing Aaron and Cam Ward and made some sort of bizarre King James reference. Get that man another beer!

9:34 – Um, Jimmy. Come on, buddy. I thought we were over this inability to control rebounds. 2-1 Carolina. That was horseshit. And now a hooking penalty. You remember those games Detroit has, where they’re ahead and seemingly have the game in hand, and then take their foot off the gas (or let in a soft goal), and all of a sudden it’s a game again? Um, that’s not whats happening here, right? Right? Anyone? Somebody hold me.

9:38 – Great kill by the Wings. Great recovery by Maltby to lift that stick. That was so very needed.

9:45 – Darren fucking Helm. Hustling, creating chances, but no goal. Great save by Ward on Eaves. Question – What would the score be tonight if Manny Legace were in goal tonight? How many emo statements would he make after the game? Food for thought. My guess? 4-1 and 7. I cannot believe he is still being paid to play hockey.

9:46 – 3-1 Wings. Nice pass Bert. That turnover is why the Hurricanes are the Hurricanes. I don’t even need to say anything else here.

9:53 – What a stop on Bert’s breakaway. Drew Miller scores a goal; unfortunately, it is because he lifted the back of the net. Um, that doesn’t count sir. He kicked it and everything.

9:55 – How did Bert’s wrist not get broken? Game over. Lets pile on and get another goal or two. Serves you right for leaving Hartford. Jackasses, the lot of you.

9:58 – Game over. 3-1 Wings.

And that's all she wrote. The Hurricanes have been downgraded to a Tropical Storm. This is the kind of effort that you need night in and night out, and it was refreshing to see tonight. The 1st line played ridiculously well, the role players came through big, and Lebda/Meech didn't play like a complete bag of ass. I'll take that.

Go Wings.


  1. I grew up in CT, and I can tell you that Hartford definitely sucks as a town.

    But if there were and H2H cookoff, I might have to throw down with Nat. I can rock a kitchen. Hard. I even bake my own bread.

  2. Aaron Ward made me cry at a party when I was little. Just throwin' that out there.


  3. If there was a cookoff and I went to H2H I'd give her some contest. I'm a great cook.

    Good post Brian, loved the point on "Fuck you, I'm Pavel Datsyuk"

  4. Drew Miller lifted the back of the net, kicked the puck in, and then pointed at it. This kid is hilarious.

  5. Christine and Andy, I will take you guys on any place, any time, under any circumstances. I have to admit, I am a little bit intimidated by Andy because he owns that sweet Oslo/sushi/Thai restaurant in downtown Detroit.

    Kristin, we MUST hear that story about Aaron Ward making you cry. He comes across as such a prick. Please divulge.

    I especially agree with your point about the, um, non-attractiveness of certain goaltenders around the league. As far as netminders go, we have two of the most normal-looking. Heck, Kristin Bell even has a full-tilt crush on Ozzie.

    Great work, Brian! You are the best.

  6. I'm up for a cook-off anytime..

    Yeah, good goalie point. Reasons I'd wanna be Ozzie:
    1. Kristen Bell
    2. Kristen Bell
    3. Kristen Bell
    4. He met Stevie Y
    5. Stanley Cup rings

  7. Aaron Ward was dating my cousins friend, I believe, and he was at a family party and even then, I was a little wings fan and I was super pumped to get his autograph. It took me an hour to approach him and one second for him to say "Get lost, kid. I'm busy." It was soul crushing and now, I just want to spit on him. He's lucky I was in a suite last night and he couldn't hear me screaming about how much he sucks the cock.

  8. It's official, then - Aaron Ward is a dickless prick. What a mean thing to say when it wouldn't have taken him more than a couple seconds to sign something.

    And although I can cook and bake, I don't bother - when you are single the last thing you need is to bake an entire pan of brownies just for one person, especially if you want to drop a few pounds. :)

  9. Kristin, wow. That is the worst story ever. I can't believe he had the balls to do that at a family function while dating someone in your family. Baroque has it right--dickless prick is the perfect way to describe him. At least he comes across as a complete douchebag, instead of being a douchebag in disguise. We'll be sure to make fun of him even more on here, at all costs.