27 January 2010

Winger. Wednesday.

As Brian mentioned in his (non-)recap last night, I had today's post all planned out yesterday. I had my question ready, along with my own answers. I even had some of it worded in my head already. And, after learning the result of last night's game, I had chosen an angry, alliterative song to include in the post; with the questions at hand and the raging music as a background, I thought for sure it would help us get the anger and disappointment from last night out of our systems.

Then Brian sent me a link from Deadspin (via Canucks' blog Orland Kurtenblog). And I busted a nut laughing over it. (Well, if I had nuts. I mean, I don't...oh, Jesus, explaining my genitalia to strangers is awkward. I'm a chick. What am I going to say, I ruptured an ovary? Just not as funny.) Anyway, I decided to change the tone of the post, as the link in question was completely apropos of the question I had in mind.

Today's magical question is another two-parter:

(A) Which current NHL player do you straight up hate the most?

(B) Which current NHL player do you hate, despite not having a tangible, legitimate reason to hate said player?

My answers:

(A) Patrick Kane.

Yep, this guy:

Why do I hate Kane so much? I mean, I could have chosen a softball: Sidney Crosby. I could have picked a well-known agitator, like Chris Pronger or Sean Avery.

The obvious answer is that I have an unadulterated, unapologetic hatred of all things Chicago Blackhawks. (I feel the need here to point out, parenthetically, that we have exactly one known Hawks fan in our readership. She comments on here occasionally, and really, I have no idea why she reads our site, although we find it to be awesome. A bit sadomasochistic, perhaps, but awesome nonetheless.)

You're right, though. I fucking hate the Chicago Blackhawks. We have a tag as such on here, and according to my kickass tag cloud, it's in the middle tier of our most-discussed subjects.

But I hate Kane for reasons other than that.

I hate him because he's a good player who is inherently unlikeable because he's a douchebag. Despite playing for the Hawks, there are--brace yourself; this is a big admission, coming from me--players on their roster I can admire for their hard work and lack of asshole-ish-ness. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Sharp come to mind immediately. Despite the rivalry between Detroit and Chicago fans, you'd be hard pressed to find a Wings' fan who could form a legitimate argument for Toews and Sharp sucking at life (Sharp's accidental spearing of Lidstrom's nad aside). Moreover, despite being a hardcore fan of one team, of course there are players we admire from afar. For example, Brian has a raging guycrush on Nicklas Backstrom. I love watching Ryan Miller do his thing (unless he's playing against us).

But I can't admire Kane. I don't care how many amazing shootout goals he scores. I don't care that he won the Calder. I don't care that he is one-third of one of the best top lines in the League right now. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'll always remember him as the guy who (allegedly) beat up a cabbie in his hometown. Period.

His apologists chalk up his behavior to being young and stupid. Hey, nobody knows the definition of "young and stupid" better than us over here. Vomiting on someone you're hooking up with because you're lights-out drunk? Check. Dancing on a bar and almost killing yourself in the process? Check. Not recalling--until someone painfully reminds you--the horrible confessions you made to people you hardly know, or, worse yet, to people you know too well? Check. We've all been there. But how many of us have physically assaulted someone and gotten arrested? (Jersey Shore aficionados, feel free to raise your hands now.)

Bottom line? In my book, he's a dick. And, barring him curing cancer, negotiating a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine, successfully encouraging nuclear disarmament, and convincing all nations to follow the Kyoto Protocol, he always will be.

(B) Ryan Getzlaf

I'll keep this short and sweet. Other than his playing for the Anaheim Ducks, I have no legitimate reason to hate Ryan Getzlaf. He's a great player. He's not even the most irritating person on his roster. But honestly, he just looks like a jackass:

Also, he always seems to throw a bitchfit (mouthing off, throwing water bottles) when he gets sent to the penalty box, particularly if the Ducks are trailing. Maybe he's just a hothead, or maybe it's misplaced passion, but really, it just comes across as lame.


I had to do it. Mostly because I'm a little confused about why someone is teaching the Steegmeister how to do self breast exams. (Man, that girl in the red flannel really got around, eh?)

Thoughts, anyone?

While you ponder, here's a little mood music for you to celebrate the lasciviousness. Don't act like you don't love this.


  1. As if we needed any more proof that hockey is still the red-headed step child of the Chicago sports scene. Seriously guys, that's the BEST you could come up with? (I'm looking at you Kaner.

  2. Oooh, excellent question! I can't wait to come back and read everyone else's answers. Here are mine:

    (A) Most hated current NHL player - Chris Kunitz.

    Why? Well, the fact that he is a current Penguin, and a former Duck, certainly doesn't help. But the most important reason I hate him so much is that he is, in my opinion, the absolute worst kind of dirty hockey player. The type that has a history of not just cheap shots, but intentional attempts to injure other players. I can think of several examples of this just in last year's playoffs - one being his stick to the throat of Semyon Varlamov in Game 2 of last year's Eastern Conference Semifinals. Yes, I hate whiners, and punks, and cheap shot artists (see runners-up below), but to me he is the worst.

    Runners-up: Sidney Crosby, Corey Perry

    (B) Player I hate without a reason - Ryan Getzlaf.

    This is a harder question for me, because I really do like to have reasons for hating people. But I'm totally with you on Getzlaf. I can't put my finger on anything specific that he has done to piss me off, he just always has.

    Runner-up: Brian Campbell

  3. Chris, I just KNEW you, specifically, would love those photos. I'm wondering if the girls in the pics studied up on the tips for being the best brand-new Blackhawks fans. Hmmm...

    Jenn, you make a great point with Chris Kunitz. In my very first blog post, I called out him and Sergei Gonchar (both trolls) for jabbing at our goalies between whistles. They ALWAYS do that shit. And yeah, I know there's always scuffling between whistles, but those two seem to take it to a whole new level. Bleh. Watching it during last year's SCF was completely infuriating. I have no use for Kunitz, other than to laugh at how much he looks like a complete goober.

    Yeah, I'm glad someone else gets that douchey vibe from Getzlaf. Admittedly, he's a hell of a player. But...VOMIT.

    I'm totally surprised by your answer of Brian Campbell, though...you mean you take issue with absurdly overpaid, underperforming players? Should I ask you how you feel about Nikolai Khabibulin? (Or Chicago's own Tomas Kopecky, for that matter?)

  4. Oh, so now I have to give a reason for naming someone as a player I hate for no reason? OK then! :)

    I don't hate absurdly overpaid, underperforming players as a general rule, although he certainly fits in those categories. It's just a lot of little things that add up with him. The hissy fits he gets in if you actually hit him (as if hockey was supposed to be a contact sport or something). Those stupid spin-o-rama moves he makes (dude, you're supposed to be a defenseman). Oh, and the fact that he doesn't really play defense.

    Plus his nickname is Soupy, though in the playoffs I started calling him Brothy. I told hubby it was because soup actually has some substance to it!

  5. (A) Wow, that is super tough because I have hated (Wayne Gretzky, JR, Denis Potvin - okay, I may be dating myself there) and do hate so many people. Kane is currently top of the list but since you've picked him I've got to go with the recently dumped Georges Laraque for the obvious (knee) reason (knee). I have to admit I like Sean Avery because at least he knows what he is (and seriously, getting kicked out of the NHL for "sloppy seconds"?) unlike Laraque who apparently feels he's a spiritual dude (I am really sick of yoga people). Note to Bob Gainey, shouldn't he be taking down that logo?

    B) Also tough because I have hated and do hate so many for no reason (Hasek aka "The Dominidiot" - remember "no reason") but I am going to go with Shane Doan. No, not because of last night but because I am sick of hearing what a great guy he is, about his faith (if I wanted to hear about someone's faith, I'd hang out with a Jehovah's Witness or a Scientologist), and the fact that when asked his favorite meal, he replied "my wife's taco salad". Seriously? What can I say, I just hate him.

  6. I'll have to think about my answers but I just have to say that that photo of my Patti cakes... it is now my screen saver at work. How can something make my skin crawl and laugh until tears fall from my eyes at the same time?

  7. Most hated current player: Chris Pronger (y'all know why)

    Runner-ups: Maxime Talbot, Kris Letang, Sydney Crosby and the rest of the Pitt squad

    Most hated EVER: Eric Lindros, for not agreeing to play with the Nordiques after they drafted him (biggest douche ever)

    Player I hate with no specific reason: Maxime Lapierre

    Runner-ups: Ryan Smyth, Olli Jokinen

  8. The only current player I despise that I have good reason to hate is Laraque and for the same reasons as Krononymous- which, I have to add, might be the best name ever...
    I have such an outrageously irrational hockey love for Datsyuk that I developed an irrational hatred for most other Russian forwards. I HATE Ilya Kovulchuk and I don't even know why. He's a Russian forward and he isn't Pasha, apparently that's all I need to seriously dislike a guy...

  9. Um.. hard one. And why did you have to say current? Well, I guess everyone would have said Claude Lemieux if you hadn't..

    (A) Corey Perry. What a fucking douchebag. Good player, but a cheapshotting, crap talking bastard with and ugly, smug face.

    (B) Joe Thornton. He's too good and I dislike his face.

    I would also like to say that I like Sean Avery (as long as he's not a Red Wing)

  10. Patleb940, I'll be happy to pass along some reasons to hate Lapierre if you like! :)

  11. There appears to be something very sick and wrong about "to go down" in these photos. I just hope a disease was contracted (i.e. herpesface). Patti cakes looks like he's about ready to say boom! again, or pow right in the kisser. Seriously, the girls in the photos. There has to be better looking "escorts" for professional athletes. But then again, it is Chicago, or is it Buffalo? I'm still gagging and laughing at the same time, kind of like my first sexual experience.
    Any ways, Princess Cindy is my answer for A. Captains are supposed to be leaders, cool under pressure. Cindy cries and throws tantrums when he gets called for a penalty or when somebody brushes by him.
    Adam Foote comes a close second, whining and complaining, dirty play, a member of the Scabalanche, and I hate his ugly stupid face.
    For B I'm going to have to go with Jerred Smithson of the Preds. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the rosy cheeks, but I just want to punch him in the face whenever I see him.
    Oh, and I love the Winger homage. Let's just say I've had some good times with them. I mean to them, yeah....

  12. Oh, tricky questions!

    Let's see, first the player I hate (on another team) ... Chris Pronger. Because he's such an arrogant cheap-shotting asshole of a facsimile of a human being. Runners up - Scott Niedermayer (stupid Just for Men beard and PETA), Corey Perry (little bitch), Sidney Crosby (overexposed), and Chris Drury (because he is so over-rated for no reason whatsoever). You already took Patrick Kane the cabbie-puncher.

    Players I hate for no real reason, I just hate them: Mike Modano, Bill Guerin, Brian Carrothead Campbell.

  13. Let's not forget Cal Clusterf*ck! I hate that guy and his stupid name.

  14. Hate with reason? Claude Lemeiux! I know hes not playing this year, but he did last year, and my hate runs deep.

    Hate for no reason? A list - Cristobal Huet, Chris Kunitz, Getzlaf, Anze Kopitar, and the Ottawa Senators. No real idea why.

  15. Hmm.. tough one to narrow down. I think my number one has to be Chris Pronger, even though we don't see him very often now that he's vacated the Western Conference, there's something about him that makes me automatically respond "I freakin' hate that guy!" every time anyone mentions his name. I think this hatred stems all the way back to the 90s when he played for the St. Louis Blues & we always seemed to meet him in the playoffs. There's no denying that the guy has talent, but I HATED how everyone always talked about what a talented and smart hockey player he was for being so young. As I grew older, I realized what a giant goon he was, how he played dirty, and always seemed to play well against the Wings. And then he joined Anaheim and well, I irrationally hate most of Anaheim, so I suppose the fact that he played for them was enough reason to hate him.

    Who else do I hate? Brent Seabrook for getting love from the media when his check was the one that caused Franzen to go down (I know it was clean, but I'm still bitter), and of course, Laraque, for ruining a potential Norris-season for Kronwall. And also Brett Lebda, for breaking Homer's foot and bringing down the overall quality of the Wings defense. I know I'm supposed to love everyone on our own team...but I just can't most nights.

    Players that I hate irrationally? Ryan Smyth, Sydney Crosby (most of the time), Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith, (let's face it most of the Blackhawks, except for Patrick Sharp, for some irrational reason I actually like him), Marc-Andre Fleury, Cory Perry, Max Talbot, Ryan Getzlaf, Cal Clusterf*ck, Shea Weber, Brandon Yip, any back-up goalie this year that we made look like a Vezina candidate, and of course, Steve Ott.

  16. On the PETA comment - I am all for animal rights, heck I'd probably save a dog from a disaster more quickly than a person (plus it's smaller and easier to drag behind me - practicality!) but I have problems with PETA because of their excessively confrontational stance and extremely rigid positions.

    People are not going to be bludgeoned into becoming vegetarians if they like the taste of a juicy steak. Everyone, even those who eat meat, can agree that food animals should be treated humanely and slaughtered with as little fuss and pain as possible. Reasonableness can get you a lot farther in the end.

  17. Baroque: I absolutely agree. PETA are worthless in my book.

    Brian: I think if Claude Lemieux was still playing we all would have chosen him.

  18. I have devoted so much of my hockey hatred to Chris Pronger, there's no way I can say anybody else while that guy still plays (seriously, some of my favorite internet comments of all time are Prongerisms). I'd like to throw Mike Ribeiro in there too for being a diving, cheapshotting dirtbag along with Corey Perry and Patrick Kane (he doesn't do cheapshotting like Perry and Ribeiro, but he does more than enough diving to make up for it). Matt Cooke on the Penguins is a guy who crosses the line between effective agitator and dirty shitstain also.

    Mike Green is on the cusp of justified hatred and unjustified. Most of the reason I hate him is because idiot sportswriters love him so much, which isn't his fault. On the other hand, the guy's unlikeable.

    With that, I probably have to go with Brian Campbell as well.

  19. Oooh. I totally forgot Mike "Gay Pornstar" Ribeiro. Another player whos face I just hate.

    And now I hate Mikko Koivu and Martin Havlat, because they are the best sellers I have seen in a while.

  20. But Havlat provided giggles last night (if such a word can be used to describe any reaction to last night's game other than Pav's goals). He seems genuinely scared of Kronner. It is too bad he didn't paste him again but knowing Gary's NHL, he probably would have been suspended.

  21. There is so much to respond to; can I just say that you guys are the best ever at being scrappy little haters? But that's why we love you so much! (I knew this would be a fun topic. Everybody hates at least one player, and we all love talking about how much we hate said player.)

    Jenn, your nickname of Brothy for Campbell is hilarious; I'd totally forgotten how his nickname is actually Soupy until I read that, and I literally laughed out loud. So appropriate. Whenever there's an overhyped (and overpaid) player like him on a team, I always wonder how his teammates interact with him. It has to chap them, at least a little, that this guy gets way more attention for not being as hard-working or talented or whatever you want to call it. No matter how you cut it, Brian Campbell is NOT the most noticeable Hawk on the blueline. Not even close.

    Patleb940 and Nurse Nitz, Max Talbot is yet another great example of how the Penguins just grate on my nerves. When I started this blog, I chose them as 1(b) for the team I hated most, second only to Chicago. As the season wore on, I changed my mind again (as I always do with my assignments of pure hatred) and bumped the Ducks up to 1(b) and the Pens back to 2. But really, whenever we play the Pens--or whenever I watch the Pens play, even in a game in which I have no vested interest--I can't fucking stand watching the vast majority of their players on the ice because they're just asshats. Matt Cooke is another person who irritates the hell out of me. And it's not just because of last year's SCF. They're just fucking annoying. I can't wait to write about them this weekend.

    Sara, I guess you should be happy that we have absolutely no money to go after Kovalchuk? ;) I actually have no problem with him, but I totally applaud your self-proclaimed irrational hatred of all things Russian that are not also Datsyukian. THAT'S devotion.

    Krononmyous, I feel like you and I might be long-distance soulmates. The fact that you said you have spent so much time hating so many people made me suspect it, along with the fact that your new nickname rocks my socks. If you're going to Herm to Hockeytown, we definitely need to hang. But wait...didn't you notice on here that we're card-carrying members of the Georges Laraque fan club?

    Dena, those photos are making quite a splash on the internets. Apparently, the biggest scandal of all--other than the obvious hotness of the boys' escorts--is that John Madden, who was featured in some of the other pics, is married, and isn't wearing his ring in the photos. Oooooooh. Shocking. A professional athlete may be cheating on his wife? Fuck me sideways. Honestly, I couldn't care less that they're partying, even if they are taken. I just think the photos themselves were hilarious and douchey. (And it IS hilarious that Kane's belt is unbuckled. Ewwwwwwww...)

    Dena and anybody else who named Sid the Kid, I hear you. It's an obvious answer, but it's obvious only because he is inherently unlikeable. There are so many reasons to hate him. The NHL/Bettman's big bonercrush on him. The fact that his face was plastered everywhere before he'd even won the Cup. The fact that he gets so much attention but he's not even the best player on his team. The fact that he's always whinebagging to refs between whistles (literally, ALWAYS). The fact that he's such a diver. The fact that he's in egotistical ads featuring a kid watching him on the ice the way he grew up watching his boyfriend Lemieux, or the one where it showed them losing the SCF to us in 2008, and he pops out and says, "I don't ever want to be in this spot again." VOMIT. Wait, did I mention the fact that every girl ever who's a make-believe hockey fan talks about how cute he is? Double vomit.

  22. (I just got blocked from posting a comment on my own blog because it was too long. On communist Blogger, blog write on YOU. Anyway, continued...)

    Brian, I also laughed out loud at your answer of the Ottawa Senators. Oh, fuck it, all of them suck. You're right. And yeah, you and Andy are spot on with Claude Lemieux. Since he retired, there's a whole new crop of douchebags who deserve to be called out for their douchiness.

    Nurse Nitz, the only reason I don't hate Duncan Keith is because I can constantly make Duncan Sheik jokes when I watch Chicago. Yeah, singing a one-hit wonder that was annoying to begin with NEVER gets old.

    J.J., I agree with literally everything you said. You picked some good under-the-radar people, too, like Matt Cooke. He's not the first person you think of when you ponder how fucking annoying the Pens are, but if he happens to cross your mind, you immediately cringe. I love that you called out Mike "Fatty" Green. I can't believe you have a problem with a defenseman who doesn't play defense. Oh, and he has a sweet fauxhawk, too. [Insert eye roll here.]

    I don't hate Martin Havlat for the same reason I don't have Marian Gaborik, and that's because I don't feel it's right to laugh at lepers. I mean, that's why they always miss games, right? Their limbs fly off and they have to take a TO to regenerate them, in the manner of starfish?

    Baroque, there's no shame in thinking that PETA takes it to extremes. I'm all for animal rights, but I hear you. That's the theme of our culture, though; we always have to take things one step too far. A good cause ends up alienating people in its extremism. (And yeah, I almost always choose an animal over a person, too. But I'm a misanthrope.) Also, your nickname of Scott Niedermayer as Just-for-Men-Beard is dead fucking on. So gross. He reminds me of the dad from Family Ties. Not cool.

  23. Wow, how could I forget my irrational hatred of Mike Green? I actually generally like the Washington Capitals, probably because I'm counting on them beating the Penguins in the playoffs, but I can't stand him. Maybe because people are claiming he's got quite a few Norris Trophies in him. Without even playing DEFENSE. The idea that he was in the same class as Nick Lidstrom & Zdeno Chara in last year's nominations still gives me shudders. He kind of reminds me of a Brett Lebda that can score. Yep, I went there.

    LOL @ the Niedermayer comment. So dead on it's not even funny. I remember watching the Ducks series last year when he had the beard & it took me a while to figure out who the "really old guy" was that wasn't Cheli. For some reason, my irrational hatred doesn't extend to his brother Rob. And maybe this is why I have a hard time rooting for Team Canada this year. Other than a handful of players, the team is full of players that I irrationally hate.

  24. Soul-mates that's just beautiful. I don't know why irrational hatred has such negative connotations. Haven't decided on H2H but I will let you know.

    And since the Preds are up next, can I add Jordan Tootoo to the list?

  25. Jordin Tootoo is perfect. Every time I see the Preds at the Joe, there is some douchebag with that f'n whistle somewhere in the crowd. I want to kill that mofo. We as Wings fans are too docile when it comes to visiting fans in our venue. We are usually nice and tolerate them. I don't know if anyone has ever been to the United Center, but Jesus Christ, they will heckle you to death if you don't stand up for yourself.
    Nurse nitz, totally with you on rooting for team Canada. Really, every douchebag in the league. Sorry Babs and Stevie, I will not be able to do it. Patrick Kane being on team USA also irritates me.

  26. Heh, I'm the one Blackhawks reader, eh? Well, reading/commenting here isn't nearly as masochistic as at other Wings blogs I could name.

    Obviously I'm biased but I think the current Hawks are mostly hard to hate (as people, not a team), because they're mostly clean players on-ice and not jerks off it. But I totally see Kane as the player that other teams' fans will hate. I'd still like a full explanation of the cabbie situation but I wouldn't make excuses for what apparently happened. I don't mind if Kane really, uh, likes the ladies but I don't care to hear quotes about it or see photos.

    I'm like a lot of Hawks fans in respecting the longtime Wings rivalry, but in the past year having a lot more loathing for the Blues and Canucks--that Ryan Kesler "fight" and remarks recently...ugh.

  27. I'm rooting unashamedly for Team Russia in the Olympics - just because Sweden won last time, so Hank and Mule and Nick and Nik have their golds already, now I want to see Pavel get one - also Fedorov and Ovechkin and Kovalchuk and Malkin (while Sidney gets nothing).

    And I forgot Tootoo. Also Scott Hartnell - ugh, that stupid mop of hair.

  28. I will root for Swe even though it's against my religion. While I would love to see Dats and OV get a gold, I wish Feds nothing but sadness, shit, despair, non confidence and depression. Good player, but I always HATED him.

    Even thoug Hartnell had a season for them I hate in Norway (VĂ¥lerenga, during the lockout) I still love him.

  29. Andy - I like Hartnell too. I know many hate him but to me, he is one of those guys that goes right up to the line, maybe leans over it a bit, but doesn't cross it. Ian Laperriere is in that category as well (I know, he put that hit on Nick. But still.)

    Brian - I gave you a reason to hate Kunitz if you were looking for one. Regardless, you are definitely on the right track there! And I also find the entire Senators team incredibly annoying for no apparent reason.

    Natalie - I commented on the Ladies' Night post at TPL (from last night) referencing this post. Didn't put a link in or anything, I'm not that bright. But basically equated Getzlaf to Matthew McConaughey.

    I also hate Ribeiro, Ott, Tootoo, Cooke, Laraque, and probably a way too lengthy list of others.

    And I am torn between rooting for the U.S. and Sweden in the Olympics. Very glad I'm not Canadian!

  30. Krononymous, if you go to #H2H, the suspicion I have that I'll probably not make it out of the weekend alive will most likely become a full-blown realistic expectation. But whatever, go big or go home.

    K of C, you ARE the very exclusive Blackhawks fan who reads this site, unless there are unknowns out there who don't identify themselves, which is highly doubtful. It's your very own proud TSO distinction. We regard you as one of the scrappiest people ever, and we love that you can take a good Kaner joke. You know one reason that's worth hating Ryan Kesler for? That annoying NHL 2K10 commercial where the one girl says the name "Ryan Kesler" in a creepy and annoying manner. Blech.

    I'm glad you guys brought up the Olympics; that was actually going to be one of my Wednesday questions as Feb. 12 draws nearer. I'm actually with Baroque on this one. I really want Datsyuk to win the gold, even if it means Malkin wins it, too. I'm conflicted because of all the Swedes (especially Homer) on our roster, but I think Pasha deserves it. And I agree with everyone's assessment of Team Canada's annoying roster. There's so much to straight up hate about it, and really, so little to cheer for, not counting Yzerman and Babcock. Oddly, I'm ambivalent toward Team USA. I'll be proud of them if they win, but it won't really faze me if they don't, although I really am quite fond of Miller and Quick (and obviously Rafalski). One thing is for sure: The Olympics are going to be super exciting to watch this year (and wayyyyy more exciting than the summer games ever are). I'm super psyched.

  31. hey bro shut ur gay mouth.Kanes just way to nasty and u dont want to admit it cause he dangles all over everyone in the league, then goes out and parties like every other person does when ur that good. good for him he wheels broads and plays hockey thats the life.