15 December 2009

TSO Keeps It Real

All right, boys and girls: We've been in each other's lives for the better part of three months now. To celebrate our quarter-year anniversary together, I think we should make a vow to be truthful with one another always, to refrain from lying outright or even tepidly misrepresenting the truth by refusing to own up to difficult realities.

To kick off this new phase of our relationship, The Scrappy Octopus is debuting a new segment calling "Keeping It Real". We're scheduling publications of this segment to occur, oh, whenever we feel like it, so stay tuned for further editions.

The topic we'll cover today: Proper attire to sport at a hockey game.

First, we'll pick on the gentlemen. I have a huge problem with the following:

1. Emoloser likes hockey? But...there are no tears at the Joe.

Saw a guy wearing jeans identical to these, only he paired them with an Yzerman jersey. Yep, you read that right: Dude actually had the balls to wear his #19 with his girlfriend's stonewash.

To be fair, I don't understand the guys-in-girls'-jeans phenomenon in the first place. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, maybe I'm just oblivious, but seriously, what is the deal? I hardly find my gender's jeans comfortable; how can those possibly be comfortable on the ol' 'nads? And, perhaps more importantly, if you're a heterosexual girl, why go for a guy who's probably less interested in taking your clothes off your body than he is in adorning his own body with your threads?

Going back to the guy at hand, though: In addition to wearing jeans a bajillion sizes too tight, his jersey itself was a woman's jersey. There was no way it was even a carryover from his childhood; the jersey was cut in a woman's style. Meanwhile, he was walking hand-in-hand and being all kissy-face with his cute female companion. The mind reels.

2. I mean, really?

Actually saw a guy sporting an authentic Wings #81 Hossa jersey before the Anaheim game. Could not believe it. Thought maybe somebody slipped some peyote into my pre-game quesadilla or something.

I really shouldn't have to elaborate on this, but apparently, some people don't get it. It's kind of like being in the military--if you retire or are honorably discharged, you can keep wearing your gear, and nobody will say a word about it. But if you leave dishonorably, you're going to have a hard time justifying your attire to the people who know the deal.

I've been racking my brain since Friday to try to come up with a scenario in which this could be considered acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. The best I could think of is if someone wore it ironically, like if a 'Hawks fan wore it to a Wings v. Hawks game, but even then, no one knows that you're actually a 'Hawks fan, so it's still an epic fail. I kinda half-heartedly hoped upon seeing the jersey at first (because I first noticed the #) that the bastard had put something at least mildly clever as the name (i.e., "Cat Shit", "Roofie Dealer", or even just the standard "Benedict"), but no dice.

3. Coonskin caps are necessary because...?

Saw a guy wearing one of these at the game. For some weird reason, kinda liked it, but still don't get why it's hockey game apparel. But I guess if you're not going to wear it to a hockey game, where WOULD you wear such a thing?


We at The Scrappy Octopus are equal-opportunity offenders, so now on to the ladies. (And yes, I am going more in depth with these examples, and no, I'm not being sexist--I'm a chick, and I like us to represent ourselves appropriately in our hockey fandom endeavors.)

1. Could you at least make a little effort to look like you give a shit?

You are not going to your BFF's house for a High School Musical slumber party. Nick Jonas is not anywhere on the ice, nor are we going to be listening to Selena Gomez's new joint at any point during the game.

Ladies, I get it. I like dressing up and wearing awesome clothes as much as the next slightly shallow person; I don't roll out of bed and stay in my sweatpants 24/7...anymore (the doctors convinced me it's not good for my well-being). But for fuck's sake, you're at a hockey game.

In my book, nothing short of a jersey is acceptable attire to wear to the Joe. But I make exceptions for others--jerseys are a pricey investment, and maybe you're just not that big into the team. Try wearing a T-shirt or even snagging your boyfriend's hat. Or sweet Jesus, try wearing the color RED. It's not hard; I have yet to meet a girl who doesn't own a red shirt.

Not participating in a show of team pride in any way furthers the image that female hockey fans aren't on the same playing field as our male counterparts; it propagates the boneheaded notion that we're too bubble-headed to understand fancy terms like "icing" and "power play" without having our oh-so-smart boyfriends and husbands explain it to us. Further, showing up to a game, arm in arm with a male companion who's dressed in his favorite player's gear, while dressing like an extra in the "Party in the U.S.A." video just makes you look foolish. Male fans show up in droves in jerseys, sweatshirts, and so forth; I'd say the percentage of women who dress accordingly versus women who don't is 50%-50%. What causes women to feel as if they can't don team apparel? Are they really that afraid of everyone not being able to stare at their ta-tas for a couple of hours? Get over yourselves.

2. I judge you when you wear leopard print to a hockey game.

Meooooooooooooow! VOMIT .

3. Holy shit, don't drink and paint.

Like the aforesaid men's item #1, this is one of those that apply to everyday life, but stick out like a sore thumb especially at a hockey game. This one goes out to you, person in front of me in the bathroom line who assaulted my senses with her French whorehouse warpaint and perfume. Whenever I see someone like that, I think they either need to be in a 12-step program to get over the problem, or they're flirting with serious disaster:

Not good. Not ever.

I feel pretty good about TSO taking a stand here to correct an important social problem by drawing attention to it, but why, oh, why don't these poor girls' loved ones step in and intervene? There are no innocent bystanders in the cycle of addiction!


I know, I know: Women, especially, are under a lot of pressure to be aesthetically pleasing. But I'm really fucking sick of getting the stinkeye from Pussycat Dolls wannabes when I roll up wearing my #13 sweater; it's happened each time I've been to the Joe, not to mention at bars, both here and in Michigan, during games. Yeah, I know the jersey is billowing and not conventionally "cute", but guess what? I feel like the biggest boss in the world when I don it. So kiss my ass, haters. (But try not to leave any clownpaint stains, ok?)


  1. Okay, I agree wholeheartedly, but can you at least WARN us when you're going to use pictures of clowns? *shudder*

    And I am squarely in the jersey camp. Wear it with pride! Unless a woman is built like a boy (or a fashion model), people will still be able to tell she's female. Guys will still stare at her tits. They're creatures of habit. And who's more important? The Wings? Or a bunch of strangers. Seriously.

  2. I completely agree with you 100% on these, but I have to admit to being a hypocrite in terms of #2. I'm an unemployed college student in possesion of only one jersey who cares more about the wheel on the front than the name on the back. (P.S. the last Wings game I was at I sat next to a crazy woman dressed head to toe in leopard print. I wanted to vomit)

  3. Christine, my apologies for the lack of warning with the clown photo; however, I wanted to jar the readers' senses. Now you know how I felt when I had to stand in line with that person. Shudder, indeed.

    Also, I can respect the anonymous reader's point-of-view; I guess all things considered, maybe people don't hate Hossa as much as I do. More importantly, we sat next to a person in leopard print at the Anaheim game last week. I surreptitiously took her photo, but felt bad posting it on here (yeah, even that was a little much for this site). Out of curiosity, did this leopard lady look like a Zsa Zsa Gabor wannabe?

  4. Oh you've seen nothing until you've been to a Ducks game in Duck c*untry (sorry, was that tacky?)! I went to a game as I was given free tickets by a client (believe it or not, I was kind of happy because I figured I'd get to see Federov play but that just happened to be the day he was traded to the BJs). I believe I was in the Victoria's Secret section and the tickets were all freebies for potential Poultry scores after the game. Years later I still suffer the flashbacks.

  5. My first (so far only) visit to the Joe, I got a photo, which I'll have to post sometime, of a guy in a Wings Hossa jersey, but he'd written "SUX" in black across the name. That's a way to not feel you've completely wasted your money, I guess.

    Other than that, I'm not wild about jerseys that are only about attacking another team. I was at Hawks vs. Blue Jackets and spotted Hawks jerseys reading "Detroit Sux" AND "Detroit Sucks." But then, I don't have as much sports-hate as some people (or I wouldn't comment on a Wings blog so much, ha).

    I haven't bought a jersey yet because my money's been going to seeing games, but I did at least wear red before I got a Hawks shirt. My pet peeve is women wearing high heels at games (whether they're wearing team wear or not) but that's just because I can't stand wearing them...

  6. I wish I could afford a jersey.

    But I do have a sweatshirt and four tee-shirts - and my favorite is a Red Wings logo pendant in carved fossil ivory that I bought at an art fair. Very classy and works with everything. :)

    (I also have a lucky red scrunchie and have actually crocheted a baby afghan in red and white because if my hands were busy I was less likely to throw something at my television earlier this season.) :D

  7. To the second anonymous commenter, first, I'd like to say that nothing on this site will EVER be considered too tacky. That's kind of our forte here, so thanks for your input. What a disappointment that must have been for you to show up to the Ducks game on that particular game. Geez. Tough break. At least now you have the nightmarish experience to share on with the rest of the world, right? It's a good thing that you're letting it out. It can only go uphill from here.

    K, I would LOVE to see that photo of the Hossa jersey markup. Maybe we can do that in celebration of our respective teams' battle royale this coming weekend. It's going to be epic since it's the first time Hossa's been back to face the Wings this season. It's. Going. Down. (By the way, since you're a Hawks fan, I totally appreciate you visiting TSO and seemingly enjoying the experience. Either you're a very benevolent human being or just a very good actress. Or maybe this is some very elaborate, high-stakes, Chicagoan plot to infiltrate the world of Wings' diehards to pick our brains and try to topple us. Hmm. I'll have to ponder that one for a while...)

    Also, heels at games doesn't annoy me so much as it does completely BAFFLE me. I get confused finding my seating on the way back from a bathroom break; if I had to worry about tipping over on my heels on my drunk face, I'd have serious, serious problems. I'm guessing that's why I wasn't invited to participate in the anonymous commenter's Victoria's Secret section.

    Baroque, let me just say that the items you described--particularly the necklace and the afghan you crocheted yourself--sound a million times more unique, and therefore, more awesome, than my jersey, and I love my jersey to death. I wish I could crochet, but honest to god, I am just really talentless. Have any pictures of the necklace/afghan? I might throw something on here with things that are creatively fantastic to wear to games, other than the standard jersey, etc.

  8. About #2, that's why my only jersey is a Zetterberg: Wing For Life, no problem.

    P.S. Well, one problem: the "A" in the front will be out-of-date soon.

    But it's not like someone would notice here.

  9. Guilherme: Good point about the jersey and the "A". Same reasons I only have a Nick jersey (I wish I had a Z jersey, but they didn't have them in the booth I bought at in Globen for the Sweden game). And my Wings t-shirt has Howe on it, which is pretty safe too.

    Natalie: a lot of good points. I totally agree with all of them really. I mean, who doesn't wear a jersey to games? I personally wear a Wings jersey whenever I stream a live game.
    Just two questions:
    - How come the airheaded blondes (at least on the inside) in cute apparell doesn't realize that 99,9% of guys going to a hockey game will find them much hotter in a jersey than a cute little top?
    - As long as my jeans aren't women's, but men's and not skinny, they can be as stonewashed and ripped as they want and still okay for a hockey game, right?

  10. Good one, Andy. Women look nice on hockey jerseys. I love to wake up 11 a.m. on a saturday and find my girlfriend sleeping wearing nothing but the Winged Wheel.

  11. bastard. I am so jealous right now I can't really find words for it. I have yet to meet a female Norwegian Wings fan

  12. I wouldn't say she's a fan, but I'm glad I've found a gal who accepts and understands the maniac that I am.

    (...I told myself I wouldn't cry...)

  13. Guilherme: I don't think it matters that your Hank jersey will have an "A" after he gets promoted; if anything, it will be considered an awesome throwback.

    Andy: Nah, I have absolutely NO problem with stonewash--just a huge problem on stonewash girls' jeans on a dude. Another point--most girls have a hard enough time finding the right size in jeans. If all guys start shopping for girls' jeans, it's going to be even worse. Thanks, emo assholes.

    Are there really no Norwegian female Wings fans?

  14. *snickers* The guys don't tend to annoy me as much as the "ladies". Even the guy with the jersey foul of 69 with "K. Newman" as the nameplate. *eyeroll* (The "69" made me giggle like a 12 year old. The nameplate just annoyed me; much like the real K. Newman does)

    OMG...the broads & their fuck me pumps just crack me up. Seriously, girls? SERIOUSLY?!?!? The stairs in the Joe are enough of a PITA without the added liability of circus stilts. One chick I saw had 6 inch stilletos & my mom was like "At least they're red."

    Don't want to wear team gear? Fine, no problem. I could really care less. Want to dress up a little bit? Great, have at it. But for crissakes, it's a hockey game...NOT THE OPERA!!!! Dress appropriately, ya schmucks. The real hockey enthusiasts can spot you posers from miles away.

    Now, I will say that normally, I wear my Draper jersey to games. HOWEVER, I also own a Lang jersey & a Legace jersey (don't judge me!!!). On the occasion that we play against them, I wear their jerseys.

    I'm going to be in Arizona over New Year's & will be attending the Wings/'Yotes game on the 2nd. Yes, I will be sporting my Lang jersey (I still adore the big lug).

  15. Natalie: I agree, tight jeans on men should have died in 1989.

    I don't know if there are any Norwegian female Wings fans, but if there are, I haven't met them yet.

    However if any of them should read this, they should comment under.

  16. Raputa, the Lang jersey sounds kinda kickass; it means a lot to you since he's a sentimental favorite, so screw the naysayers. In retrospect, I suppose what I could have said about the Hossa jersey is that it bothers me mostly because he left unpleasantly. Bleh.

    Andy, I thought tight jeans on men DID die in 1989. But apparently, my childhood has returned. I saw neon women's jeans in Target a couple of months ago and thought I'd died and wound up in hell--which, I'm pretty sure that'll happen one day, anyway, just not so soon, you know?

  17. I had no idea that men found hockey jerseys on women sexy - all you normally hear is about how you can't see a woman's figure underneath all that bulk. :)

    I'll have to get some pictures of some of the stuff I mentioned - but it will have to wait until after the holidays, as I have to crochet my fingers off trying to finish an afghan for my brother in Chicago Bears colors.

  18. Natalie: I thought so too. Maybe we all are in hell? In my opinion the only people allowed to wear skinny jeans nowadays are James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett, because they did in the 80s and were awesome and because if you're in Metallica you can do whatever the fuck you want.

    Baroque: Well, we all kind of know that girls have tits and ass and all that stuff anyway. We don't really need to see it constantly to be reminded. It might just be me and Guilherme living in hockey starved countries, but a girl in a Wings jersey signifies several personality traits that I find attractive.

  19. Baroque, I can't really speak for any guys, considering I'm not a guy (anymore...), but Brian likes jerseys on me. So, judging by the feedback from this particular post, my current count of guys who like jerseys on girls is 3. I'm sure there are more out there, right?

    Personally, as a heterosexual girl, I think any kind of jersey is adorable; one of my friends at college was a big Red Sox fan, and she had a kickass St. Patrick's Day jersey that she used to wear a lot, and it was super cute. It made me wish I was more of a baseball fan so I could wear something that adorable. Kinda thought about pretending, but decided it wasn't worth it in the long run.

    Andy, I kinda suspect we're already in hell, but probably the "good hell". Theory: There's a good hell and a bad hell. Bad hell is for obviously awful people--murderers, rapists, pedophiles, etc. Good hell is for people who are kinda good people but are still too risque for heaven. I think that's where we fit in.

    And yeah, I concede your point that badass rockers can wear it. Kinda like Slash with his top hat--who's gonna fuck with Slash over a weird fashion choice, you know? But sketchy emo kids do NOT get a pass.

  20. Yeah, we probably are. Like the hell that AC/DC and Rolling Stones sing about. The hell for sinners, where we all hang out, party and have good time. We'd definitely fit in there. And I'd like to jam with the house band there :P

    Yeah, I can't remember Slash ever not being cool. Axl on the other hand cannot pull them off, but hasn't he really looked like a douche for a couple of decades already?

    Emos are among my least favourite kinds of people. "Hey look at me, I'm so sad and depressed and friendless. I'm so unique. I dress so unique." Yeah, millions of people dresses like that and your lack of friends are probably cause you spend too much time on myspace with imaginary friends. And as I have friends who've had serious depressions I find the romanticism of depression that they have, extremely distasteful.

  21. Axl is such a freakshow. The man's face looks like a circus sideshow act. Yuck.

    Yes, you hit the nail right on the head; emo kids when I was in high school were always the people who proclaimed they were better than everyone else because they were so "different" and not "mainstream". Yeah, well guess what. You and your friends are all "different and unique" TOGETHER. Bleh. It's so annoying. Yeah, the romantic infatuation with depression is insulting to anyone who has had a personal experience with it in any way. To me, it's just a bunch of losery kids who haven't had to experience any real pain or any meaningful experience in the real world, and that's why they act like complete jackasses.

  22. Axl's a freak, a dick and once upon a time he was an amazing singer. Chinese Democracy exceded expectations though.

    Totally with you on the emo's. They always thought they were better than us and the depression thing is proof of lack of life experience.

  23. Hey there, first time reader here. I've read that some people can't afford jerseys, and I thought I would suggest going on Ebay for jerseys.

    I got a really good Zetterberg jersey for $50.00 that was brand new. Of course, I have to buy youth sizes because I'm 18 but only 5 feet tall, but that's still at least $20 less than NHL.com's store.

    I also bought a Shanahan jersey (it's still in original packaging, but it's about 10 years old) also in good shape, and it was only $15.00.

    Youth jereys are always less expensive than adult, but I saw some Datsyuk and Zetterberg jerseys in adult sizes going for a lot less than you see in stores.

    Of course, if you use Ebay you need to make sure the seller has a good feedback rating, but if money is the issue Ebay is the place to go.

  24. Thanks for the tip, Kelsey. Sounds like you found some great deals on Ebay. I've never bought jerseys on there, but I have bought some magazines and various hockey paraphernalia; it's a great place to find throwbacks, like your Shanahan jersey.

    Also, thanks for checking out the site!