TSO Keeps It Real

All right, boys and girls: We've been in each other's lives for the better part of three months now. To celebrate our quarter-year anniversary together, I think we should make a vow to be truthful with one another always, to refrain from lying outright or even tepidly misrepresenting the truth by refusing to own up to difficult realities.

To kick off this new phase of our relationship, The Scrappy Octopus is debuting a new segment calling "Keeping It Real". We're scheduling publications of this segment to occur, oh, whenever we feel like it, so stay tuned for further editions.

The topic we'll cover today: Proper attire to sport at a hockey game.

First, we'll pick on the gentlemen. I have a huge problem with the following:

1. Emoloser likes hockey? But...there are no tears at the Joe.



Saw a guy wearing jeans identical to these, only he paired them with an Yzerman jersey. Yep, you read that right: Dude actually had the balls to wear his #19 with his girlfriend's stonewash.

To be fair, I don't understand the guys-in-girls'-jeans phenomenon in the first place. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, maybe I'm just oblivious, but seriously, what is the deal? I hardly find my gender's jeans comfortable; how can those possibly be comfortable on the ol' 'nads? And, perhaps more importantly, if you're a heterosexual girl, why go for a guy who's probably less interested in taking your clothes off your body than he is in adorning his own body with your threads?

Going back to the guy at hand, though: In addition to wearing jeans a bajillion sizes too tight, his jersey itself was a woman's jersey. There was no way it was even a carryover from his childhood; the jersey was cut in a woman's style. Meanwhile, he was walking hand-in-hand and being all kissy-face with his cute female companion. The mind reels.

2. I mean, really?



Actually saw a guy sporting an authentic Wings #81 Hossa jersey before the Anaheim game. Could not believe it. Thought maybe somebody slipped some peyote into my pre-game quesadilla or something.

I really shouldn't have to elaborate on this, but apparently, some people don't get it. It's kind of like being in the military--if you retire or are honorably discharged, you can keep wearing your gear, and nobody will say a word about it. But if you leave dishonorably, you're going to have a hard time justifying your attire to the people who know the deal.

I've been racking my brain since Friday to try to come up with a scenario in which this could be considered acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. The best I could think of is if someone wore it ironically, like if a 'Hawks fan wore it to a Wings v. Hawks game, but even then, no one knows that you're actually a 'Hawks fan, so it's still an epic fail. I kinda half-heartedly hoped upon seeing the jersey at first (because I first noticed the #) that the bastard had put something at least mildly clever as the name (i.e., "Cat Shit", "Roofie Dealer", or even just the standard "Benedict"), but no dice.

3. Coonskin caps are necessary because...?



Saw a guy wearing one of these at the game. For some weird reason, kinda liked it, but still don't get why it's hockey game apparel. But I guess if you're not going to wear it to a hockey game, where WOULD you wear such a thing?

***

We at The Scrappy Octopus are equal-opportunity offenders, so now on to the ladies. (And yes, I am going more in depth with these examples, and no, I'm not being sexist--I'm a chick, and I like us to represent ourselves appropriately in our hockey fandom endeavors.)

1. Could you at least make a little effort to look like you give a shit?



You are not going to your BFF's house for a High School Musical slumber party. Nick Jonas is not anywhere on the ice, nor are we going to be listening to Selena Gomez's new joint at any point during the game.

Ladies, I get it. I like dressing up and wearing awesome clothes as much as the next slightly shallow person; I don't roll out of bed and stay in my sweatpants 24/7...anymore (the doctors convinced me it's not good for my well-being). But for fuck's sake, you're at a hockey game.

In my book, nothing short of a jersey is acceptable attire to wear to the Joe. But I make exceptions for others--jerseys are a pricey investment, and maybe you're just not that big into the team. Try wearing a T-shirt or even snagging your boyfriend's hat. Or sweet Jesus, try wearing the color RED. It's not hard; I have yet to meet a girl who doesn't own a red shirt.

Not participating in a show of team pride in any way furthers the image that female hockey fans aren't on the same playing field as our male counterparts; it propagates the boneheaded notion that we're too bubble-headed to understand fancy terms like "icing" and "power play" without having our oh-so-smart boyfriends and husbands explain it to us. Further, showing up to a game, arm in arm with a male companion who's dressed in his favorite player's gear, while dressing like an extra in the "Party in the U.S.A." video just makes you look foolish. Male fans show up in droves in jerseys, sweatshirts, and so forth; I'd say the percentage of women who dress accordingly versus women who don't is 50%-50%. What causes women to feel as if they can't don team apparel? Are they really that afraid of everyone not being able to stare at their ta-tas for a couple of hours? Get over yourselves.

2. I judge you when you wear leopard print to a hockey game.



Meooooooooooooow! VOMIT .

3. Holy shit, don't drink and paint.



Like the aforesaid men's item #1, this is one of those that apply to everyday life, but stick out like a sore thumb especially at a hockey game. This one goes out to you, person in front of me in the bathroom line who assaulted my senses with her French whorehouse warpaint and perfume. Whenever I see someone like that, I think they either need to be in a 12-step program to get over the problem, or they're flirting with serious disaster:



Not good. Not ever.

I feel pretty good about TSO taking a stand here to correct an important social problem by drawing attention to it, but why, oh, why don't these poor girls' loved ones step in and intervene? There are no innocent bystanders in the cycle of addiction!

***

I know, I know: Women, especially, are under a lot of pressure to be aesthetically pleasing. But I'm really fucking sick of getting the stinkeye from Pussycat Dolls wannabes when I roll up wearing my #13 sweater; it's happened each time I've been to the Joe, not to mention at bars, both here and in Michigan, during games. Yeah, I know the jersey is billowing and not conventionally "cute", but guess what? I feel like the biggest boss in the world when I don it. So kiss my ass, haters. (But try not to leave any clownpaint stains, ok?)