Doubling the Output for 2011

I did want to have some kind of revengey type title, but that's not really the tone I'm going for. And let's face it, I would be the shoe in the Revenge Society. I also don't really see this as a revenge series. If you were a team that struggled for years, made the playoffs, got bumped, and then faced the same team in the following years' playoffs. Then I would see it as a revenge series. As it is, the Red Wings face a team that they stumbled on last year.

Some little known Shark facts:

They are required by law to have a life guard at practices.

Greg Louganis is a special secret advisor to the team.

The Sharks refuse to stay in a hotel that has a No Diving sign posted by the pool.

"Okay Zac, we get it. You think the Sharks are divers."

Yeah, we'll get to that, but I have one more Shark fact to share:

Doug Murray is as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Oh wait. One more thing. Setoguchi takes longer than the other players to hit the showers after practice because he takes a little bit of "Devin Time" while wearing Thornton's jock on his face like a doctor's mask.

All right, I will give you that the Murray one is an opinion and the Setoguchi one is an educated guess. I mean come on, look at that douchebag.

The Sharks can actually be a scary team when they are clicking. Their lines go deep. They are their own worst enemy though. When games don't go their way they resort to douchebaggery. When you see Jumbo getting thuggy then you know the game isn't how they want it to be. And if he starts taking shots at Lidstrom and Holmstrom he can fuck right off back to his summer home in Cuntsylvania.

I see the Red Wings taking this series in 6 games.

My game gear is still going to the Shirtuzzi. I wore it for all four games last series. Yes I did not wash it. Yes I am lucky that I am married to a Red Wings fan who is just as superstitious as me.

Who's this clown?

The Scrappy Octopus has been most generous in inviting me to come say a few words every once in a while. Who am I? Just a fellow Red Wings fan. What makes you think you can blog about the Wings? I don't, really. I will never rely on "stats" or "facts". I won't use "rationale". I will scream Fuck You at the top of my lungs just to win an argument. But seriously all joking aside, I am too lazy to create my own blog, and there are already enough good ones out there. I am just happy to pop in, write some crazy shit for some like minded people, and then steal away like a thief in the night. On the twitter you might know me as @Flapjack_McZap. In real life you might know me as Zac, lover of fine hams.

Let's get down to some business toot sweet.

So the Norris nods came out and it shouldn't be any surprise that Lidstrom was nominated. Let us look at the other nominees. Shea 'Unfrozen Caveman' Weber and Zdeno 'Swingin Neckbreaker' Chara. I don't know if Chara was thrown in there because of his +/- or what. Hell, if you try to base it on numbers, Brian Rafalski had stats comparable to that of Chara and Weber with 20 less games. But as long as Lidstrom is around all other D-men for the Wings will always be bridesmaids but never the bride. Quite honestly, you can take any defenseman in the top 20 and make a case for every one of them.

But fuck all that noise. Chara is out because of the 'Hit'. And Lidstrom beats out Weber because.....how does this go? Oh yeah, Lidstrom is a better defenseman than Weber.

Speaking of Weber. I know a lot of Wings fans hate that guy, but he's a restricted free agent next year and I like the cut of his motherfuckin' jib. And for all of you haters out there, I understand, this is like the Chelios situation for me. For a lot of people he WAS the Blackhawks. It took me a couple of seasons to get used to him being a Red Wing. And now look, he's our beloved Chelios.

I am getting really anxious for round 2 of the playoffs to start. I'm totally, "yay for the sweep", but I want to watch my team again.

One last thing before I go. Can we as a society all agree to stop using pun titles for blogs and websites where you substitute a form of the word 'puck' for a form of the word 'fuck'. I'm sorry, but its so played out. Remember, puns are the mimes of the joke community. And nobody likes a mime. Or mimery. Or mimeness. If we don't put a stop to this now we will end up like Idiocracy and wind up getting all of our hockey information from Butt Puckers.com.

This blog still exists?

Back from an EXTREMELY long holiday break (MUCH needed), I am very much of two minds about tonight's game; therefore, I shall break it down in two sections:

1. Fuck you, Roberto Luongo.

I don't know if I've ever voiced my thoughts on Luongo in this medium previously, so if not, here goes. Technically speaking, to me, he is a good goalie. Quick, fast movement, flexible, good vision.....everything you'd want in a goalie (maybe not for the next ten years at $10 million per, but still). He does, however, have a flaw which irks the shit out of me.....

....he is the biggest baby I have ever seen.

Yes, more of a baby than Sidney (gasp!). While players may dive, work refs, it seems like a larger than it should be percentage of goals are NEVER his fault, in his mind anyway. Watch a Canuck game sometime. If someone is within two feet of his crease, if a puck goes in, he ALWAYS seems to cry about it. He is perpetually working refs, bitching about everything under the sun. The end of tonight's game is a prime example of this. Bert's foot GRAZES him. Comes in close to him. Luongo, however, dives like he just got whacked by Jeff Gillooly. Seeing that contact, you REALLY have to act to even fall in that way. Its shameful.

So picture that. Play is happening. The game hasn't stopped. You've had Homer's planet sized ass in your face all night, and maybe he'd had enough. Whether these factors entered his mind or not, he had a decision to make - Flop like you're a European soccer player and POSSIBLY allow a puck in the net that may or may not be waved off; or make a fucking attempt to stop the puck....

....and you know which he picked. He went down like he'd been shot in the leg, and Kronner's shot got waved off. And that's fine, since we won in the shootout anyway (the best possible FUCK YOU to such a giant vagina). But that's who he is. HE WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THAT TEAM UNTIL THIS SEASON. How fucked in the head is that? He is not clutch. Sure, he won a gold, but my recollection of that game is Luongo positively itching to give that game away, looking shaky in the clutch. What a wuss.

2. Saddle up Jimmy, because you're carrying this team.

The state of the Wings health is kind of astounding this year. Pav, Buckets, Fil, Mikey-Mo, and now Brad Stuart. Now, Osgood is getting his groin injury evaluated, and there's a possibility this might be a longish term injury. How does Jimmy respond?

He seemed to know what he needed to do. He won this game tonight. He carried that team on his back; and with every god damn body out, he'll have to do that with a lot more frequency than he probably should. The team is in a great place in the standings in a VERY competitive Western conference, which is good, because with all the injuries, they may need it.

Players are stepping up and filling bigger roles better than last year, but while everyone is out, this team will go as far as Tiberius can carry them.

So many other things we could talk about, but TSO is working its way back into blogging shape. Welcome back to us. Game recaps, hockey talk, and creative swears will appear with more frequency. Welcome back to us.

Pissing on the worst logo in hockey

In a word - Dominating.

That was Saturday's game against the Avalanche; owners of the stupidest logo in all of hockey. I know the "rivalry" is pretty dormant, as the Avs have been also-ran's for awhile now. I, however, still feel the hate, as i'm pretty sure most Wings fans still do. Maybe not as hard, or as intense, but its still there. So even if its an early season game where half their team is injured.....I don't care. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Now that Hudler has found his game, Drew Miller is where he belongs, I think - The press box. No shame in that Drew. You'll get your ice time. Someone will get hurt, people will need rests.

2. The worst part of the above statement? Validating needless hatred of a certain podcast podcast NOT named TP:60.

3. On a related note - Check out the most recent TP:60, the one where in Natalie rocks crotches over the audio waves! Trust me, its amazing. You get Nat being awesome, Casey from WIM doing his thing, Disch, who is always good for some fun times, and Hollis, the best host in the biz. TP:60 is ALWAYS worth a listen.

4. On a podcasty note (again, not TP:60 related, but you know what i'm talking about) - If I were ever on a podcast, and used the following names: Hooler, Sitcharelli, Citzarelli, and Lindstrom; I would seriously fire myself from said podcast. Just sayin'.

5. A point made by Nat from the podcast holds true for me as well - I'm curious about the game against the Blues on Wednesday. So far, we haven't really played anybody. The only team we have played that was worth a shit was Vancouver; and we got them at the end of a West Coast trip; on the tail end of a playing the night before. Not a true indicator of how things could go; at least I don't think so. But I mean, beating up on an injury riddled Avs team doesn't mean a great deal. Now we can start measuring what the team is really about. It starts with the Blues on Wednesday. The Scrappy household has watched a bunch of Blues games this year and are impressed. Not a bad team. Really curious to see what the Wings can do Wednesday.

All told, a great win. When Bert is shooting the puck like that, you know the Wings are rolling. And there will likely be a lot of locusts in our future. Finding a safe bunker might not be the worst idea.

Go Wings.

Get your ass out there and hang on to it!

Oh, I will Babcock, I will. Live TV is glorious.

A good effort by the Wings tonight. Much better than the Vancouver game, which fell apart. One observation i'd like to throw out from that game - Luongo's body language is HORRIBLE. He gave up 4 goals, and on half of those, he baby cried about something or the other.....it was never HIS fault; either someone interfered, or Cleary 'threw it in', or the sun was in his eyes, or some shit....Just suck it up and move on.

Anyway, on to tonights game:

1. Jimmy's near death experience on the ice scared the living shit out of me. Where did yours jump to? Mine? Groin injury; followed closely by blown MCL (look who remembers taking Human Anatomy ages ago in high school. Me=expert). Thankfully he just had to rub a little dirt on it and he was fine.

2. Jiri Judler is a midget. Duh, i'm sure is the first thing YOU thought. Dick. Homeboy is seriously weak on the puck.

3. Ulf Samuelsson - I can't believe that fucker is a coach. I figured he'd taken to a post-career job of burning down convents and taking shits on homeless people while they sleep. Nat's thoughts on Ulf? "His eyes are way too close together", implying of course he has some sort of cognitive difficulties. Why yes, yes they are, and yes, he likely does. She's the best :)

4. I'm going to give you three phrases, used in order of most scary to least scary:

Lebda joins the rush!

Looks like Stuart is jumping up in the play!

The Wings have brought Tim cheveldae out of moth balls to start in goal for the remainder of the season

5. I could give or take the first two periods of the game. Pav made me want to throw myself from a moving car until the third, when he decided to shoot again. Starting in the Vancouver game, I felt he did that thing he does where he becomes "too cute" and stops doing the things that make him good. Of course, this is me essentially saying "Hey, best player on the team, perpetual Selke nominee.....Here's what you SHOULD be doing", so i'm going to shut the fuck up.

6. Speaking of said first two periods....until about two minutes to go in the second; everything just looked off. No one was meshing, shit didnt look right at all. Except....

7. Abdelkader. This kid is a house on fire right now. At this point i'm sure he can do no wrong. A great couple of games by him. He's so awesome i'm fairly certain he impregnated me from afar tonight; especially difficult a task since i'm a dude.

8. Fun fact - during the Versus coverage; when they showed footage from the concourse....Did you see that Legace jersey? It happened, I promise.

9. I was also asked to address the fact that Aaron Ward looks like an asshole/date rapist.

OT win is pretty awesome. Rusty came up big in overtime. A win is a win.

WOO.

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE

See what I did there? With the oil?

I've started with this theme in my past few game recaps, but its really true - Its great watching this Wings team. The last two games were complete dominance. Calgary; the game was 2-1, and it never felt in doubt, not once. Tonights game was the same. Complete dominance. Granted, this is Edmonton - you SHOULD dominate them, as they are not particularly good at hockey. Last year, however, it didn't go that way in games like these. This team, however, is different. Way different. Not much changed; but a lot changed, if you know what I mean. Onward to the recap, broken down by periods, as I finally decided to get smart and take notes so I don't forget the multitude of shit I want to say about the game while its occurring....so anyway, my random observations:

1st Period

As a Center Ice subscriber, I have to point this out - Watching Edmonton games is ALWAYS strange. The arena seems....darker than most. I never notice player shadows, but it Edmonton, its so prevalent. What accounts for this? Smart people, unite, and tell me. Its also the only arena that comes to mind where the camera angle is behind the player bench, instead of the penalty box. I could be way off on this.

Mickey seems extra crazy/drunk this season. Random, almost incoherent mid-game rants....I think I like this Mickey. He and Murph need to hang out more often.

One thing I missed while hockey season wasn't around? Commercials for Big Boy. So nostalgic. In college, our town had a Big Boy. The food was borderline poison, but they had a Big Boy statue in front the size of a person. It was my goal to steal it. Sadly, it didn't happen. This is, and always will be, my lifes biggest regret.

Here's exactly what I wrote next on my paper - "Resurgence of Riggy Shitbox" (kudos to TPL for the name; best shit ever). Two games back is not a great sample size, but that oaf is playing a fucking good game.

On a related note, with Bert starting the season hot, and Riggy Shitbox looking serviceable....I'm convinced all we need is TPL to talk shit about horrible players and they'll turn it around. Maybe you take a run at Janik next? Perfect transition to the....

2nd period

When Stu went down in front of the net, our house thought he was dead....until we saw the replay and realized he took a lesson from the Dougie Janik school of skating and simply fell down. Maybe we make Doug an assistant coach to teach falling without injuring yourself.

Yes, the hit on Pav was clean (though initially, it looked horrendous in fast motion). That being said, I LOVE Ericsson defending Pav here. Teams need guys like that.

Hudler kind of belongs back in the press box, yes?

Abdelkader is on-fucking-fire, yes? Holy shit that kid is playing well right now.

Kindl takes some dumb penalties.

3rd period

More of an overall theme....but yeah, that game didn't really feel in danger to me. Not once.

Stortini is a shit heel.

Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy....this kid can take the Wings far. With the defense playing pretty damn good in front of him, he can make those 4 or 5 tough saves most nights to keep them on top. I love him.

Overall, a pretty complete night for the Wings, wouldn't you say?

The potential, if unrealistic, thought of Joey Mac in the tail end of the back to back on the road scares me just the slightest bit.

Go Wings.

Wings extinguish Flames 4-2.

After a rest period of no fewer than 2.5 light years, Red Wings hockey returned tonight with a visit by the Calgary Flames to the Joe.

--How fitting was each of the Wings' four goals tonight? Zetterberg with his Flying Circus comrades, then Lidstrom, both of whom were previously goal-less in the young season, scored absolute Miss-Universe-with-real-cans beauties of goals, then Franzen scored on an otherwise indescribable Franzenesque chance off Kiprusoff's person. Kinda makes me regret the decision to tell B earlier in the game that Kipper always plays against us like he has a chip on his shoulder... Oh, and how about that last one from "I still have a purpose here" Man o'Lantern? Happy early Halloween, kiddos.

--Jimmy Howard looked absolutely on point tonight. While naysayers and worrywarts fret about sophomore slumps, he's kicking ass, taking names and probably nailing your girlfriend...in your girlfriend's dreams.

--In reference to Ruslan Salei's net-lifting, I have just one thing to say: Maybe we should kiss again to teach him a lesson about obvious. If you don't know, now you know.

--Anybody fascinated by the concept of time travel should probably get in touch with Mark Giordano, as I'm pretty sure he visited 1956 and stole Elizabeth Taylor's eyebrows.

--Speaking of pretty, anybody else still a little skeeved out by Mickey's talkgasm over seeing a helmet-less Kronner early in the game? I think it went a little something like, "Oh, my, that's a beautiful sight..." followed by some grumble-sighs, but it's all mostly fuzzy and redacted in my mind's eye. Something about a switch flipping to prevent the ol' PTSD from reoccurring...

--Jarome Iginla must dislike playing us.

--Yeah, it goes without saying on this site, and yeah, I've written several odes to the guy explaining exactly how I feel, but it's a new season, and I've gotta say it again: There will come a day when we no longer see Homer's upset face jabbering at opponents between whistles. Until that day, I move that FSD establish a permanent Homer Iso-Cam so we can watch him go through the motions of being Tomas Fucking Holmstrom at all times.

--Curtis Glencross is challenging Mason Raymond for TSO's favorite "Could Be a West Virginian" name. Negative points for not having a full name comprised of two first names, but bonus points for having a compound surname that sounds like either country directions ("I think she lives out on the bypass, at the glencross") or a country threat ("Imma cut that bitch if I don't glencross her first").

--Finally, since I know there are so many of you who found your way here because we're the top two Google results for "Doug Janik falls down" (check it, ingrates!), what about that time Doug Janik fell down tonight? Clock that one into the ol' spank bank, boys and girls.

Tonight's win felt fan-fucking-tastic. Let's do it again on Saturday against the Quacks.

Tonight's game was one of them flaming bags again...

Good things about tonight's game:

During said game, I downloaded an Antoine Dodson soundboard for my Android. So I got that going for me.

Things that were bad about the game:

Things involving ice.

The cries of "Eat a dick Ozzie" were heard round the Twitterverse. Brad Stuart was apparently abducted before the game and replaced by Rig (or at least he played like that over-sized shit filled colostomy bag who attempts to play defense) . We all waited with baited breath for the Kari Lehtonen catastrophic injury that didn't happen (I had tonight in the office pool). A dumpster fire all around.

Here are some thoughts to cheer you up, because as you know, I'm a glass-half-full kind of cat:

1. Currently on VH1, Rocky 4 is on, right at the point Rocky is giving his "If I can change, you can change" speech that ended the Cold War.

2. Todd Bertuzzi didn't kill anyone...that we know of.

3. It's Friday.

4. Following up Rocky 4 on VH1? Road House.

Kick back and enjoy the weekend. There's a lot more hockey ahead.

Calm the fuck down.

The Wings should not have lost tonight.

It is, however, early. No one should be worried at all. I saw it, a little bit so far. Some folks need to be talked off ledges...IN OCTOBER. Breathe, people. Deep, cleansing breaths. It is going to be ok.

How do I know this? So far this season you've seen the Wings be at times unstoppable. The beautiful, fluid motion we've seen in the past...we're seeing it, right now, at times. For the Anaheim game, we saw it for the entire game. At Chicago, we saw it less. Tonight, well, we saw some...but we also saw mistakes and letdowns.

It's a growing process. We're working in those few new pieces, and now we have a few injuries to worry about. Bottom line?

It's game three. Let's all relax.

On to some game-time thoughts:

1. Hey, Mr. Janik...Next time there's a fight, walk away. I'd prefer not to ever have to deal with seeing that again. Or maybe you could just fall down before it starts.

2. Peter Budaj - Is Budaj Slovak for "Worst goaltender currently playing not named Andrew Raycroft"? Just curious.

3. Peter Budaj's helmet is a complete fucking dumpster fire.

4. The Wings couldn't even get ONE in the shootout? Really?

5. Jimmy, friend, not your best work. The O'Reilly goal is a must stop 10 times out of 10.

6. Until he's retired, I will ALWAYS hate Adam Foote and his stupid damn face. Just the very look of him makes me wish someone would Kronwall him.

7. Kronner...Did you misplace the Harry Potter glasses tonight, sir? What the fuck was on your mind tonight?

8. So many things tonight, in flashes, looked amazing. Mule's dominance. Cleary is flying around like a crazy person (I think it's because he's still mad at me). Hudler (or Hooler, if you rather) looks great. So many things this season have looked great so far. Just gotta iron out the rough spots.

9. Not missed tonight? Ericsson's "physical presence". Hopefully someone gets the joke.

10. You will be missed Mr. Maltby. Hell of a career, sir.

That's my sleepy game for tonight. Just remember folks - It's going to be ok.

Dropping deuces on Chicago's little party

Before we get to my thoughts on the game tonight, let's talk for a second about Chicago's little Stanley Cup party and their upcoming season...

Seriously, what the fuck was that?

I mean, really, what was that? What were you trying to do? You trot out every single member of the staff ever. You run a full montage of players who aren't there anymore to the tune of a shitty U2 song. You trot out Edzo to run off at the mouth about god knows what. I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to accomplish with your little "We're awesome!" dog and pony show, but I promise, it was way worse than you imagine.

So yes, celebrate. It's fine. Really. Because the way you donkey-punched your salary cap for the duration of Brian Campbell's life, well, it's the last one you'll see for a while, I'm sure. I'd feel bad for Q-Stache and the gang if I thought for a moment they were capable of feeling real feelings somewhere in the far reaches of their dark, empty souls.

So yes, on to my hockey-related thoughts for the weekend:

• In regards to the Anaheim game - Fuck them. It's hard to waste a great deal of time hating a team that is terrible at hockey and not particularly good at anything outside of ridiculous thuggery. It was rewarding to see the Wings be able to move up and down the ice and do basically whatever they wanted for most of the game.

• Jimmy looked stupid good against Anaheim. Almost makes you forget about the silly number of turnovers and odd man rushes allowed. It's hard to believe he's ours.

• It looked like throwback Ozzie out there tonight against Chicago. He looked competent. Dare I say, even...good. Sure, goal number two was weak-ish, but he made a couple of great game-saving stops. Glad to see you back, sir.

• Last note regarding goaltending - Marty Turco really looks like he's trying to do add a degree or two of difficulty, doesn't he? He makes basic shit look really, really clusterfuck-ish. Dallas fans probably giggled a little bit in the off season when they heard someone was paying him more than $10.50 an hour to do ridiculous shit (and be a starter, no less!). I bet they wish they could have afforded that extra $750,000 for Niemi's arbitration award, eh?

• When your crunch time lineup in any way involves Mr. 21 points himself Tomas Kopecky, well, that doesn't bode well for your season (seriously, he was on the ice in the final minute! FOR REAL). Chicago fans would be fearful if they even knew he was on the fucking team. THEY ARE BANDWAGONERS, in layman's terms.

• People who say Chicago won't make the playoffs are wrong. They will. They still have arguably the best top defense pairing in the league in Seabrook and Keith. They still have Toews and Kane. But, damn, are they top-heavy. It's like one good line and a complete abortion after that. When people like Kopecky, some guy named Pirri, and Fernando Pisani's ulcerative colitis are prominently involved, well, let's just say the word "repeat" won't be thrown around as much as Chicago's fanbase would like (whatever is left of it after the start of the season. BANDWAGONERS, that's what I'm trying to tell ya).

• It's nice seeing Dan Cleary hooked up to the juvenation machine. As someone who has said previously I didn't like his game...nights like tonight and Friday change my mind. When he holds that puck till the last second, knowing he's going to get the shit knocked out of him, just to make a play...you need guys like him. My apologies, Buckets.

• Hope you enjoyed playing last night, Rig, as I believe you've lost your job to Mr. Kindl. Good game by him.

• A sweet game time observation courtesy of Nat - "Did Filppula attend the Briere and Leino school of not being a vag?" Why, yes, it looks like he did. Way stronger on the puck.
  

• An overall observation - It's great to see Red Wings hockey this year. I don't mean the game itself, but the style of play. Skill through the neutral zone. Carrying the puck in. Not the same dump and chase, grind it out team we had last year. I missed this.

• The top horses look as such again. Hank, Pav, they all look 100% better than last year.

• And lastly - Todd Bertuzzi took a dumb penalty by basically riding a guy. Glad to see he's in mid-season form. I really don't mind that he's here, but I am saying his IQ is probably hovering somewhere around Brick Tamland territory.

• Either way, it's great to see hockey back. Life makes sense again.

• Oh, and a quick plug - If you have an Android phone, check out an app written by friend of the blog Crater. It's called NHL Hockey Feeds, and its neat/easy to use. Search for it in the Android market (either by its name, or author Michael J Gorman, if you rather) if you're interested in making it easier to follow your favorite team on Twitter.

I have to thank Nat for her contribution here. Without her, half these Chicago related quips wouldn't exist. Go Wings. Strong start to the season...