UPDATE: Now including poems submitted by some of our fabulous readers via comments.
Happy belated Valentine's Day, scrappy readers. We were going to let this fun-filled, jailsexed romp of a holiday go unscathed by our demented minds until one of our espionage-specializing affiliates unearthed a treasure chest from the Wings' locker room. Turns out they hired a consultant to assist them with their Valentine's Day endeavors, but not a terribly creative one: He/she just helped them write poems to their respective beloveds by revising the cliched "Roses are red..." ditty.
Far be it for us to withhold such amazing insight into the minds of our boys.
Some of them are just sweet:
Henrik Zetterberg:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can't wait to come home,
Where it's just us two. (Whammy!)
Kirk Maltby:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
While we've been together for years,
My love only grew.
Kris Draper:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
For you there is nothing
That I wouldn't do.
Brad Stuart:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I will love you
My whole life through.
Others are well-meaning, albeit a little unorthodox:
Nicklas Lidstrom:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Let's make love like cyborgs,
The way we always do.
Todd Bertuzzi:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wish I knew another word
That rhymes with blue.
Darren Helm:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How did you catch me,
Considering how quickly I flew?
Niklas Kronwall:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My fans will all be KRONWALLED
To show them my love is true.
And some are just, well, awesome:
Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I trust my eyes to Dr. Rahmani,
You should, too.
Johan Franzen:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Why don't we get drunk
And screw?
Tomas Holmstrom (a bit of a copycat, but with his unique twist):
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
For sure, why don't we get drunk
And screw?
Jason Williams:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Hey, while you're up,
Can you grab me a Mountain Dew?
Valtteri Filppula:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You're nice and all,
But you'll never mess up my 'do.
Jonathan Ericsson:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Until I saw myself in the mirror,
Never thought anyone was as pretty as you.
Chris Osgood:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My goaltending situation sucks,
So how about a brew?
Jimmy Howard:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My goaltending situation rocks,
So how about a brew?
Ville Leino (found crumpled up in the corner):
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
To get past my stalker vibe,
Enclosed please find glue.
Interestingly, there was another one from Todd Bertuzzi:
Todd Bertuzzi:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The day you crossed me, Michael Petrella,
Is the day you'll soon come to rue.
***
Response from Michael Petrella to Todd Bertuzzi
Roses are red,
Violence is blue.
Steve Moore's neck is sore,
I bet your soul is, too.
***
Submitted by Nurse Nitz
For the Big Rig:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You know we can always count on
A costly turnover from you
For Abby:
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I miss that big butt of yours
Landing hits on a player or two
For some of the awesome fans on here:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Watch out for Dena, Johan,
She wants baby mules with you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Jailsexed, frolicking, and She-Tuzzi
Wings fans, how I love you.
***
From saraneuie to Johan Franzen:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Dena and I want to spoil rotten
Those small mules for you.
***
Submitted by Andy:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
my stare can kill puppies
and it will kill you too
(Babs)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
and in Soviet Russia
Mule rides you
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm so god damn proud
of my red white and blue
(Tollefsen, not funny, but had to be said)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I get paid to watch hockey
So I still own you
(Leino)
***
More from saraneuie:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
In Soviet Russia
Dr. Rahmani trusts you
***
More from Nurse Nitz:
Canadians are white & red,
Americans are red, white & blue,
Brian Rafalski can score goals,
Who freakin' knew??
For both Ryan Miller & Ryan Kesler:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The Americans won the big game,
Ryan, the kudos go to you!
For 20-cent:
Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
That cheap cabby-punching Kane,
I really hate rooting for you.
For Homer, regarding the totally FAIL effort by Finland vs. Sweden last night:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Watching from his lazy-boy at home,
Homer's handmade Viking darts hit you.
***
And a few more from yours truly:
To Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your puck-handling's so amazing,
Does your stick contain glue?
Also to Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If you ever snag the Hart,
My heart will turn to goo.
To Brett Lebda:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Does it make you feel shitty
To know you make me boo?
To Tomas Holmstrom:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You inspire me to make animal sounds
So here I go: "Moo."
(That's just because I think Homer and I could have kid-like fun together. Oh, how I love him.)
To Niklas Kronwall:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Are you aware that many TSO readers
Want to take you in a loo?
To Patrick Eaves:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How crazy your eyebrows are
You haven't a clue.
(I love Eaves, but come on. He has some CA-RAZY eyebrows.)
To Jiri Hudler:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your clucking belongs
In mine and Homer's zoo.
(I STILL miss Huds.)
To fans everywhere:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Red Wings fans are the greatest,
Our mad love is most true.
To anyone who hates Wings fans:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Hockeytown haters beware:
To you I'll fling poo.
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Pure Awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteNice. It would be even more awesome if it was revealed that Brian wrote those
ReplyDeleteHA! The Dr. Rahmani one is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteIn response to Todd's personal attempt:
Roses are red,
Violence is blue.
Steve Moore's neck is sore,
I bet your soul is, too.
This rocks!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think I may like Willi Vanilli's the best.
The word for the day is EPIC.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is of course Kronners but a very close second is Franzie's (baby mules!!!!) for sure.
I still have that sign, Dena. And one that says "Marry me, Johan" in Swedish should you and I ever meet up at a game
ReplyDeletePlease, can we have some more?!
ReplyDeleteHow much do I love these poems? Let me count the ways! Kronner and Pavel's are my favorite, but I agree, Willi Vanilli's is pretty awesome too.
ReplyDeleteI have no poetic talent at all, but here's a few of my own:
For the Big Rig:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You know we can always count on
A costly turnover from you
For Abby:
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I miss that big butt of yours
Landing hits on a player or two
For some of the awesome fans on here:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Watch out for Dena, Johan,
She wants baby mules with you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Jailsexed, frolicking, and She-Tuzzi
Wings fans, how I love you.
No offense to any of the submissions, but this last one from Nurse Nitz is CLEARLY my favorite. Three big shoutouts to TPL in one poem? Sold.
ReplyDeleteNurse nitz: Hysterical! But I think that Kronner is a jealous rage because of it. Look out Flippy.
ReplyDeleteSara: I would proudly wave those signs around, but I honestly think that he would be sooo embarrassed and shy about it. I could see him blushing so red that his face clashed with the mulestache! (Oh, and I think that Mrs. Mule would get a little pissed off).
I wanted to say something about Big Rigs poem. I think this is precisely why he has so many turn overs: he catches sight of himself in the glass, gets hypnotized by his own beauty, and maybe repeats "Pretty" several times and he forgets where he is and what he's doing.
Dena: You're right, I wouldn't want to upset Mrs. Mule either. However, if there are any small baby mules around that I could literally carry for him (someone has to spoil the kids now the Hudler's in Russia) I would be happy to do that. Guess I'll have to stick to Mata Mulan :)
ReplyDeleteSara, I can't hardly stand thinking about carrying red headed little baby mules, how CUTE would they be?
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of red heads, the next game I have tickets for is the Calgary game on 3/9. I have a small, minute crush on Kiprusoff. I am planning on sporting my Kronner jersey that night, a public proclaimation of my love.
I think we should ask Andy for the translation of: I want curly fries, make it happen.
I have to say, I am really taken with Lids' poem and not just because I have a thing for cyborgs!
ReplyDeleteReason #5,426,234 why I love having a Wings' blog: Because somehow, it always inevitably comes back to having Mule babies. My life would be so incomplete and sad without this. I mean that, too.
ReplyDeleteMichael, well played. I'd be afraid of tempting fate with an angry Bert, though. I'll put it this way: If something happens at #H2H, I'll be really sad that it happened to you, but I'll also have to tell you, "Told you so."
Nurse Nitz, I LOVE your poems, especially Jonny's. (I hate spelling "Jonny" that way, but it doesn't seem right to throw an "H" in there, does it?) I hope that finds its way to Babcock so it can accompany Ericsson when/if he's benched again.
If we're directing the poems at actual people, here goes:
To Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your puck-handling's so amazing,
Does your stick contain glue?
Also to Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If you ever snag the Hart,
My heart will turn to goo.
To Brett Lebda:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Does it make you feel shitty
To know you make me boo?
To Tomas Holmstrom:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You inspire me to make animal sounds
So here I go: "Moo."
(That's just because I think Homer and I could have kid-like fun together. Oh, how I love him.)
To Niklas Kronwall:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Are you aware that many TSO readers
Want to take you in a loo?
To Patrick Eaves:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How crazy your eyebrows are
You haven't a clue.
(I love Eaves, but come on. He has some CA-RAZY eyebrows.)
To Jiri Hudler:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your clucking belongs
In mine and Homer's zoo.
(I STILL miss Huds.)
To fans everywhere:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Red Wings fans are the greatest,
Our mad love is most true.
To anyone who hates Wings fans:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Hockeytown haters beware:
To you I'll fling poo.
awesome shit all of you. And the baby mules Dena! Yay!
ReplyDeleteMe and Alek from Cake @ the devil read through these last night and we think the Ozzie one is our favourite
Dena: I think baby mules might be the cutest thing since the adorable Lidstrom boys. And in anticipation of the clip-clopping of little hooves the Franzen's will hear, we have my poem to the Mule:
ReplyDeleteRoses are red,
Violets are blue,
Dena and I want to spoil rotten
Those small mules for you.
I might have tickets to the Calgary game, if I do I'll be wearing a red shirt with Mata Mulan painted on it in white. We need to find each other this time!
Natalie: I love your Red Wing zoo idea
Awesome poem, Sara! I just added everyone's poems in the comments to the main post. This is just too much fun.
ReplyDeleteRoses are red,
ReplyDeleteviolets are blue,
my stare can kill puppies
and it will kill you too
(Babs)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
and in Soviet Russia
Mule rides you
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm so god damn proud
of my red white and blue
(Tollefsen, not funny, but had to be said)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I get paid to watch hockey
So I still own you
(Leino)
Great additions, Andy. And all very true
ReplyDeleteI miss Hudler, too. When he left for the KHL I felt like my baby brother ran away from home to join the circus.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, Andy. The Leino one just made me laugh for five straight minutes.
ReplyDeleteMy little brother deserves half the credit for this one, but, inspired partially by Andy:
ReplyDeleteRoses are red,
Violets are blue,
In Soviet Russia
Dr. Rahmani trusts you
lool at Sara..
ReplyDeletebtw, missed this first time around:
Jag vill ha curly fries (doesn't really exist around here). Fiksa det! (That's "fix it" btw, "make it happen" doesn't work all that well in Swedish)
So good hockey inspires me. Therefore, I've gotten a few more Olympic-inspired ones:
ReplyDeleteCanadians are white & red,
Americans are red, white & blue,
Brian Rafalski can score goals,
Who freakin' knew??
For both Ryan Miller & Ryan Kesler:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The Americans won the big game,
Ryan, the kudos go to you!
For 20-cent:
Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
That cheap cabby-punching Kane,
I really hate rooting for you.
For Homer, regarding the totally FAIL effort by Finland vs. Sweden last night:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Watching from his lazy-boy at home,
Homer's handmade Viking darts hit you.
Updated with all the new additions! You guys are the best ever.
ReplyDeleteNurse Nitz, I especially feel your pain in rooting for Kane. Bleh. It's like having a root canal performed by Pol Pot. Sure, maybe it's unavoidable, but REALLY? Does it have to be HIM?