23 February 2010

Hijinks on an average Tuesday.

While dicking around the interwebs today, I realized we hadn't written a post in almost a week, so I shit my pants. Even for our self-proclaimed grade-A laziness, this is unacceptable. What kind of a sham is this site, anyway?

It got me to thinking. I'm too late to the party to write about Team USA's triumph over those dirty Canadians (although for awesome takes on said game, you should probably click here, here, and here).

I have absolutely nothing new to say about the Red Wings at large, mostly because I'm afraid any projections, whether optimistic or threatening, may jinx the team upon the return of NHL play.

It's not Wednesday, either, so I can't unleash one of our weekly questions on you. (Speaking of which, if any of you have any questions you'd like us to hash out on here, feel free to email them to us at TheScrappyOctopus@gmail.com, along with your wildest dreams and deepest, darkest secrets. You will get credit for your original thoughts, and if your dreams are wild enough and your secrets debauched enough, you may get an email response directly from Brian, who will, invariably, be typing pantslessly.)

So, what to do, what to do? Then, it hit me like a ton of scrotum-shaped bricks: Let's get back to basics by doing what we do best, shamelessly mocking others. Then I started pondering all the things I hate, and a couple of hours later, I remembered an old standby: the Scarlet Caps fan club. (You know, the Capitals-sponsored thingy in which we chicks are supposed to get our rocks off gazing at seductive pics of the roster, then we're supposed to enlighten our delicate minds with the intricacies of hockey terminology.)

Continuing my neurotic conversation with myself, I then wondered if I was being narrow-minded. After all, what kind of person am I if I can't be supportive of my sistren? I mean, what kind of hockey fan am I, anyway? How about you? Not sure? Well, grab your pencils and paper (even the fellas out there), and let's find out:

What kind of hockey fan am I?
...the tell-tale quiz

1. When I say icing, you think:

A. "What a cute name for a hockey term!"
B. "I'm going to cut that bitch who's staring at me right now."
C. "Oooh, Icing! I love that store in the mall. Wait, you thought I meant cake frosting? Oh, god, no; that would take me forever to purge."

2. The term five-hole conjures this thought:

A. "But...I don't get it. The goalie doesn't have five holes, does he?"
B. "No, seriously, I'm going to fucking cut that bitch who's staring at me right now."
C. "Five-hole? [Giggle.] OMG, that totally reminds me: Did I ever tell you about that time I got really wasted at a frat party?"

3. You're getting ready to go to a hockey game. Even though you're a casual fan, you peruse your wardrobe thoroughly for the perfect outfit:

A. You accidentally show up boasting the opposing team's dominant color. What, you're supposed to wear a certain color to support a specific team?
B. You can't remember what you wore, specifically, but it was guaranteed comfortable enough in case you had to throw down during intermission.
C. You approach the game the way you approach getting dressed each day of your life: mirroring your style icon, Mariah Carey. She really has a good eye for fashion appropriateness.

4. Your favorite player earns an assist on a goal. Your reaction:

A. "Oh, I didn't see him helping! He's such a cute little helper, though."
B. "Oh, shit, that bitch just heard me talking shit about her."
C. "Why are you not looking at me right now?"

5. You witness your first hat trick in person. How fun! Your thoughts:

A. "I'll only be able to remember this if I think of a magician with a rabbit in his hat."
B. "I can't believe I just got my face beaten in by some bitches."
C. "Hats? Yuck. I'd rather be drenched in stale ball sweat than wear one."

Now, calculate your totals...

Mostly As
Congratulations, you are...

Mostly Bs
Congratulations, you are...

(H/T to Rob, Snooki's biggest fan.)

Mostly Cs
Congratulations, you are...

Couldn't find any answers that suit you? Congratulations, my friend, you are...

TSO-approved! Go ahead--print this out, and wear it as a badge of pride. (Non-transferable. Do not pin this on unworthy peers.)


  1. The thoughts that instantly popped into my head after reading the questions:

    1. Mmmmmmm, icing.

    2.My five hole is ALWAYS open and ready for business. (I'm still looking at you Kaner, you better be ready. And on a side note, score some goals for me in the Olympics you little bitch.)

    3. Mmmmm, icing.

    4. Screaming "Yeah, baby!!!" (Take that as you will)

    5.Mmmmm, David Coverdale.

  2. Dena, I'm so glad you enjoyed this post. This is what happens when you have an urge to maintain your blog but nothing of quality to say. How is that different from any other day? I'm not sure I can answer that question, but when I start altering photos of crayon boxes in a poor attempt at receiving attention, TSO is probably nearing rock bottom.

  3. Hmm, I can't decide if it would be worse to come out as Snooki or A-Rod! Fortunately, my answers were as follows:

    1. Wow, a cupcake sounds really good right now.
    2. Hee hee, "five hole." This is what I come here for.
    3. Team colors only, please. And what's up with those people who wear other teams' jerseys that aren't even playing in this game?!
    4. Zata!!
    5. Good thing Crysob isn't here to tell the refs to hurry it up.

    Time to fire up the color printer!

  4. It all depends on your approach to the questions. If I factor in the fact that I am at a game, then there is a good chance there is someone annoying in my general vicinity. If I then factor in the 5% of my brain that is uncontrollably drawn away from the game and answer the questions as the person who exists in that 5%, I am going to go all Snooki on your asses! Except 5B would be "I can't believe I had to beat that bitch's face in instead of going for another beer".

  5. I'm seriously tempted to print out that badge of honor and wear it to the next game I go to (how much fun would it be to answer questions about it?). Especially because Nurse Nitz and I are almost always stuck sitting next to a crayon...
    As for icing? That sounds good right now. Automatic icing? Even better in a high-tech sounding, cupcakes just aren't cupcakes without icing sort of way

  6. HA!

    Should I be alarmed if I came out as A-Rod? I mean, whats really wrong with staring at yourself in a mirror from point blank range?

    I mean, no.....

    I'm going to pin that badge to my ball sack!

  7. LMAO. Awesome as always, Natalie. When I was reading thru this quiz the first time I was like WTF is up with these answers? Can I really answer this as a self-respecting fan? And then I just laughed because I realized that you're so cleverly awesome to post this. The only one that distracted me a bit was the icing one, because well, I do enjoy my sweets. And yes, Sara, automatic icing should be a necessity. Though I do admit that part of my mind giggles at the thought of players racing down the ice to grab the icing... Maybe that's what makes Helmer so fast?? It'd sure as hell motivate me!

    Sara, I think we SHOULD wear that badge to the next game. Or maybe even make a poster of it to show the players at warm-ups what loyal hockey fans we are? Or a funny look from Kronwall would just be sooo worth it.

    I agree, we do sit mostly with "A's." Like the old guy who looked at his program and exclaimed, "Wow, we have a lot of Swedes on this team." Haven't seen too many "B's"' except for that Blackhawks fan we sat nearby back in December. As for the "C's," do the sorority girls we were forced to sit in the same section with count here? Thankfully, I already knew I was a proud "D." In one of the more recent games we went to, I was approached by a very blonde, probably ditzy teenager who asked me to explain OT to her because "I looked like a REAL hockey fan." Draped in our holy red & white and not some 5-inch heel "do-me shoes?" (sorry boys). Um, yeah.

  8. My answers:

    1: Should be automatic. Like it in the Olympics, would like it fine in the NHL.

    2: Bwahahahaha, Marty Brodeur deflected it with his own stick!

    3: Team colors or neutral colors, but I don't go to a game without my lucky earcuffs and whatever necklace seems to have the most mojo at the moment.

    4: Dammit, Homer, stop stealing goals from Lidstrom! -or- you can shoot at the net yourself, Pavel, you know. :)


  9. Jenn, I have NO CLUE why people sport jerseys for other teams...I guess the only excuse for this is when people wear jerseys for now-defunct teams because where else are they going to wear them? But other than that, it's probably not a good idea.

    Krononymous, there is absolutely nothing wrong with throwing down to defend your honor, but I'm with you: I'd probably be more in favor of grabbing another brew. Why waste time doing anything else?

    Sara and Nurse Nitz, I would die of nine kinds of happy if you guys wore those to a game. And if somebody asks, you can tell them it's a top-secret club, only for the creme de la creme of Red Wings Nation. Between that, the signs, and the Mata Mulen shirts, I don't know HOW you won't get in to meet the team. :)

    You know what? This tempts me to make one geared toward male fans because my LEAST favorite kind of person, when it comes to all sports, is the person (usually a guy) who takes it upon himself to sit there and narrate the entire game as it's happening, along with his own killer analysis...only he gets roughly 75% of it wrong. Usually this guy is sitting somewhere behind me, so I can't tell who's saying it, nor can I "accidentally" spill a beverage on him.

    Agree with everyone that there should be no-touch icing.

    Brian, if you pin the badge to your ballsack, I'm not sure whether to marry you tomorrow or break up with you now. I'll have to think about it.

    Baroque, you've gotta tell us what these lucky earcuffs are. Sara has lucky T-shirts, as well. I have lucky attire I wear when I know I'm going to the bar to watch the game...I also have lucky socks that I've worn twice to the Joe that I'm CONVINCED are lucky charms.

    Damnit. All this talk of curly fries makes me crave Arby's. You think the next time someone on the team scores a hat trick, if I take the summary in to my local Arby's in WV, I can convince them to give me free fries? :)

  10. Natalie,

    "That guy" with the running analysis during the game? He usually, no always, is someone who used to play hockey. I will turn around someday and ask do you currently play in the NHL? NO, well then shut the f up!

    Speaking of spilling a beverage on someone, in game one of the finals last year, during the first goal scored, the guy behind me jumped up to celebrate and let go of his beer and it landed smack dab in my lap and it was full. So I spent the entire game with a wet crotch smelling like cheap beer. Wait, that's not the first or last time that has happened at a Wings game, huh.

    I too have lucky attire that I wear to games. I think that that would be a good Wednesday question, what weird or wild lucky gear does everybody don at a Wings game?

    As to the curly fries, I would be happy to FED Ex some to you in WV, especially when it's Homer. (Because you know it's going to happen soon!)

  11. Dena, I make this promise to you right now: If/when Homer scores a hat trick, I will light something unconventional on fire. For reals. I feel Homer would appreciate that; besides, it's the way we celebrate things here in Dub-Vee. Ha!

    That SUCKS that you got drenched in beer, though. Not cool. Nobody wants to get swamp crotch at a hockey game. If it makes you feel any better, my nimrod ex-boyfriend once spilled an entire large cup of Mountain Dew on me in a movie theater, at the very beginning of the movie...and then he laughed about it the entire time. Swamp crotch sisters?

  12. Natalie,

    Total swamp crotch sisters, pinkie swear. I'm just glad it didn't land on my head. Ugly hair with mascara dripping down my face, I would have punched that guy in the face. Anyway he felt REALLY bad and bought me a kickass Stanley Cup shirt in a medium. I mention the size because if it would have been a XL I would have grabbed his nuts and twisted.

  13. My guy answers.

    1. Middle school dance (no touch)
    2. Chris Osgood krptonite
    3. My "Casual fan" attire: Khakis, Red Wings Jersey, maybe underwear... depends if it's Friday.
    4. "I can't believe it. He just made that defender look like Trevor Thompson"
    5. "FUCK YOU, RICK NASH!" (I keed) ;)