I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention

Holy jeez. Does it seem like these playoffs are lasting forever? If Detroit were in the finals we would be heading into game three by now due to Bettman scheduling a double header right off the bat. Who am I pulling for in this series? Neither. I just can't muster up two shits for this one. Which is weird because I watch a metric butt ton of hockey during the regular season. @jennyquarx and I have Center Ice and in addition to watching every Red Wing game, we have games on all the time. Seriously, I get stoked watching an Edmonton/Minnesota matchup. So why can't I get excited for these finals? Besides the obvious being that the Wings aren't in it? I can't put my finger on it, so let's take a look at it and try to figure it out.

Boston Bruins

I guess one of the reasons why I don't care if the Bruins win the cup is because that sports market has enough championship trophies. All of their major sports franchises are always in the playoffs so who cares unless you are from the area. Another negative reason is that I don't think that its fair that Lucic gets two sticks when he's on the ice. Hold on a sec...........Sorry everyone, I have just been informed that that is not a second stick but it is actually his fucking nose. I kid. Speaking of Lucic, whenever he is on the ice you have to say La La La Lucic in the same singy way as the La La La Loopsy doll commercial. I mean, you don't have to, but it is much better if you do.

See? I am just not that emotionally invested in these Bruins. Hey Tim Thomas is from Flint. Is that really a relevant excuse to cheer for a team? Hey, all NHL players are from planet Earth and so am I, so I cheer for all the NHL teams. Plus with Kesler being 'Livonia's Son' does that mean the two Michiganders cancel each other out? I don't think people need to be digging that deep to find a reason to back a team. "I'm cheering for the Bruins because Patrice Bergeron is an accomplished falconer in the off season and I totally love birds."

I don't want to reach for a reason to root for or against a team. But on the other hand, I love hockey so I do want to be emotionally invested, especially since it is the Stanley Cup.

Vancouver Canucks

The Sedin twins. Well, you either admire their superb play where they know what the other is thinking. Or you are creeped out by a pair of alien ginger twins, where they know what the other is thinking. I guess we can go with the, "I'm gonna cheer for the Western Conference team." Which is a little bit how I'm leaning. If the Sharks had made it I wouldn't though. I almost never cheer for a team that ousted my team. I don't subscribe to the whole, "I just want to know that my team was beat by the best." Fuck that. I want the team that beat the team I cheer for to explode into a bajillion pieces. I then will sweep those said pieces up into a big pile so that I can piss on it.

I wish had that passion for this series that I have for a Red Wings/Ducks game. Seriously, stand in a room with more than three Red Wings fans during that game. You can practically feel the will power oozing from their pores. A will power that emanates from their core that screams, "Just beat these fucking douchebags." I guess I will have to cheer for exciting close games. We've got two goaltenders that can stand on their heads. There is a ton of talent out there. Both teams lines go pretty deep. They've both got diggers and hitters. They both have a creepy factor, Sedins/Chara. With game one we already got a goalie battle. Plus we learned that Alex 'the Cannibal' Burrows has a taste for the long pig. Gosh, when I put it like that, I should be watching the shit out of this series......unless it conflicts with Game of Thrones. I'm almost not kidding back there.

Well Crap, 'cause I don't golf

I'm not going to lie. That was a tough loss to take. For me it's because I really can't stand the Sharks. And a big part of that comes down to their captain. I don't think Thornton is captain material. Captains don't dive, plain and simple. Captains don't start shit just because they are a douchebag. As Red Wings fans we have been extremely spoiled for over two decades because we have had two of the best captains ever. I compare the rest of the league's captains to Steve Yzerman, and I always will. And if they are even half the captain he was, then I guess that is pretty good.

So overall, (minus winning the cup) this was a pretty good season. We have learned some things. Like one Jimmy Howard is a playoff goalie, no question. He had good win stats this year and if he gets his GA down and his SP up, then we have a Vezina goaltender on our hands.

We have learned that we will probably have to invent new words to describe Pavel Datsyuk plays. Seriously, dude pulled some sick shit out this year. I am trying to invent a word that combines Fucking awesome, Holy shit, That just blew my mindhole, and I think I just jizzed in my pants. It's not going so well because I think I dislocated my tongue. If Datsyuk didn't get injured, I'm going to say that he would have been adding a Hart trophy to the trophy case.

We have also learned that Red Wings fans are the coolest ever. H2H2 is testament to that. I wish I had the opportunity to talk to more people than I did. I wish I had clinked glasses of Ghettoblaster with more people. I wish less people puked on our floor, naw, it's okay, you got this.

Now I have seen people screaming for people's heads on the twitter. Fire this guy, trade that guy. This guy's contract is ridiculous. And this shit was happening before the handshake line. Settle down people. A little side note about the handshake line. Did you all notice that Hank leaned in and said a little something to every Shark he shook hands with? That is because he is all class.

There are some big decisions that individual players have to make about retirement. That goes a long way into figuring out the other pieces of the equation. There have been many people saying we NEED another 30 goal scorer. Really? Last time the Wings did that they picked up Hossa. How did that turn out? Sure, another scorer would be nice, but it seems that the Wings do better when they have more double digit scorers. But then again, when it comes to sports, one can always cite stats that make their argument look bulletproof.

So we all just need to relax. Me bitching about Ericsson on the interwebs is not going to change the Wings mind about what they are going to with him. Even though if you notice that anybody paired up with him looks like shit because they are doing the job of two defensemen. So when Rafalski gets to look like an ass because the Shitbox blew another assignment, by all means, call for Rafalski's head.

All you Red Wing blogs out there, keep blogging throughout the summer. How the hell else am I supposed to get my news, by watching ESPN? Not fucking likely. I like getting the real scoop with a dash of opinions and rants. You all do an awesome job and it breaks up the monotony of surfing for porn.

And lastly I really have to thank Brian and Natalie for letting me join in on these reindeer games. I am already looking forward to next season. And who am I rooting for the rest of the playoffs? Honestly, I just want the Sharks to go down. I always cheer against the team that eliminated the team I root for. So I guess I am cheering for the Yzerbolts.

Happy Mothers Day, here's a free ticket aboard the stress train.

A big ole' Word To Your Mother for all of the moms out there today. Just a quick little what's up before the game.

Hey Clowe, it's Mother's Day, not Motherfuckers Day. Just so you know, you don't have to be a motherfucker today, unlike all the rest of the days of your miserable life. You can go be a douche on your own time you whiny jagoff. A perfect place for that would of been the pressbox you instigating motherfucker. I see you started celebrating your misunderstood holiday a couple of days early. Not only with your actions at the end of the last game but also by your statements to the press. Clowe, I want you to stand in front of a mirror and answer me this. How the fuck do you fight the urge to punch yourself in your stupid-ass face? In the garden of life, you sir, are the dickweed.

Let's go Red Wings

HEY! I Said Knock it Off

The title was said in my dad voice. Even if you don't have kids, you probably remember someone using that voice on you. It has a tone and a timbre that is unique in that the receiver stops everything they are doing and snaps to attention. Now that I have your myopically focused attention, listen up. Stop this shit. Let us move forward.

First things first. The game. Yeah, that sucked. It was hard to watch. Were the Wings outplayed? Perhaps. Was their flow and inability to get some sustained pressure caused by some horseshit calls and non-calls? I believe so. Have I ever played in the NHL? No. Have I ever reffed an NHL game? No. I only have my opinion and replay which makes me kind of an expert, just like millions of others around the world. And the medium of blogging is just that. It is you, the writer, officially putting your opinion out in the world to see. Not only to see, but to comment on as well.

So second things second. People who are putting these opinions out into the world need to live by the old adage, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". And if you want to comment on these blog posts you have to be able to stand the heat as well. None of this hit and run bullshit. From both parties. There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read for whichever team you follow. Fat blogs, skinny blogs, blogs who climb on rocks. And even blogs that still think Lidstrom is Lindstrom. So if you don't like someone's opinion on a consistent basis, don't go and fucking read it. Doi.

Thirdly. The twitter. Yes, all of this shit will eventually get to the twitter. Which quite honestly, because of the 140 character limit, is kind of the perfect place to argue. It's hard to write your soliloquy of doom in such a short space. Oh, and threatening to unfollow someone on twitter is some passive aggressive bullshit. Unfollow or don't. Don't talk about it for three days. And tweeting about how many people you unfollowed is wishy-washy. Who cares. If you are following other fanbases, especially during the playoffs, things are bound to get heated. But seriously, you should know that going in.

Here is an example. Yesterday I wrote that Douglas Murray was as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Somebody on twitter called me out on my mistake. He said Murray is UGLIER THAN a jar of smashed assholes. He would be right and I was wrong and I thank you for pointing out my egregious error. And I also apologize to jars of smashed assholes everywhere for even thinking of comparing the horrendous visage of Douglas Murray to you.

So in summation: Sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree. Fuck the stupid-head Sharks. Let's go Red Wings. You know what kind of calls and douchebaggery this series will bring so you boys need to play accordingly.

Doubling the Output for 2011

I did want to have some kind of revengey type title, but that's not really the tone I'm going for. And let's face it, I would be the shoe in the Revenge Society. I also don't really see this as a revenge series. If you were a team that struggled for years, made the playoffs, got bumped, and then faced the same team in the following years' playoffs. Then I would see it as a revenge series. As it is, the Red Wings face a team that they stumbled on last year.

Some little known Shark facts:

They are required by law to have a life guard at practices.

Greg Louganis is a special secret advisor to the team.

The Sharks refuse to stay in a hotel that has a No Diving sign posted by the pool.

"Okay Zac, we get it. You think the Sharks are divers."

Yeah, we'll get to that, but I have one more Shark fact to share:

Doug Murray is as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Oh wait. One more thing. Setoguchi takes longer than the other players to hit the showers after practice because he takes a little bit of "Devin Time" while wearing Thornton's jock on his face like a doctor's mask.

All right, I will give you that the Murray one is an opinion and the Setoguchi one is an educated guess. I mean come on, look at that douchebag.

The Sharks can actually be a scary team when they are clicking. Their lines go deep. They are their own worst enemy though. When games don't go their way they resort to douchebaggery. When you see Jumbo getting thuggy then you know the game isn't how they want it to be. And if he starts taking shots at Lidstrom and Holmstrom he can fuck right off back to his summer home in Cuntsylvania.

I see the Red Wings taking this series in 6 games.

My game gear is still going to the Shirtuzzi. I wore it for all four games last series. Yes I did not wash it. Yes I am lucky that I am married to a Red Wings fan who is just as superstitious as me.

Who's this clown?

The Scrappy Octopus has been most generous in inviting me to come say a few words every once in a while. Who am I? Just a fellow Red Wings fan. What makes you think you can blog about the Wings? I don't, really. I will never rely on "stats" or "facts". I won't use "rationale". I will scream Fuck You at the top of my lungs just to win an argument. But seriously all joking aside, I am too lazy to create my own blog, and there are already enough good ones out there. I am just happy to pop in, write some crazy shit for some like minded people, and then steal away like a thief in the night. On the twitter you might know me as @Flapjack_McZap. In real life you might know me as Zac, lover of fine hams.

Let's get down to some business toot sweet.

So the Norris nods came out and it shouldn't be any surprise that Lidstrom was nominated. Let us look at the other nominees. Shea 'Unfrozen Caveman' Weber and Zdeno 'Swingin Neckbreaker' Chara. I don't know if Chara was thrown in there because of his +/- or what. Hell, if you try to base it on numbers, Brian Rafalski had stats comparable to that of Chara and Weber with 20 less games. But as long as Lidstrom is around all other D-men for the Wings will always be bridesmaids but never the bride. Quite honestly, you can take any defenseman in the top 20 and make a case for every one of them.

But fuck all that noise. Chara is out because of the 'Hit'. And Lidstrom beats out Weber because.....how does this go? Oh yeah, Lidstrom is a better defenseman than Weber.

Speaking of Weber. I know a lot of Wings fans hate that guy, but he's a restricted free agent next year and I like the cut of his motherfuckin' jib. And for all of you haters out there, I understand, this is like the Chelios situation for me. For a lot of people he WAS the Blackhawks. It took me a couple of seasons to get used to him being a Red Wing. And now look, he's our beloved Chelios.

I am getting really anxious for round 2 of the playoffs to start. I'm totally, "yay for the sweep", but I want to watch my team again.

One last thing before I go. Can we as a society all agree to stop using pun titles for blogs and websites where you substitute a form of the word 'puck' for a form of the word 'fuck'. I'm sorry, but its so played out. Remember, puns are the mimes of the joke community. And nobody likes a mime. Or mimery. Or mimeness. If we don't put a stop to this now we will end up like Idiocracy and wind up getting all of our hockey information from Butt Puckers.com.

This blog still exists?

Back from an EXTREMELY long holiday break (MUCH needed), I am very much of two minds about tonight's game; therefore, I shall break it down in two sections:

1. Fuck you, Roberto Luongo.

I don't know if I've ever voiced my thoughts on Luongo in this medium previously, so if not, here goes. Technically speaking, to me, he is a good goalie. Quick, fast movement, flexible, good vision.....everything you'd want in a goalie (maybe not for the next ten years at $10 million per, but still). He does, however, have a flaw which irks the shit out of me.....

....he is the biggest baby I have ever seen.

Yes, more of a baby than Sidney (gasp!). While players may dive, work refs, it seems like a larger than it should be percentage of goals are NEVER his fault, in his mind anyway. Watch a Canuck game sometime. If someone is within two feet of his crease, if a puck goes in, he ALWAYS seems to cry about it. He is perpetually working refs, bitching about everything under the sun. The end of tonight's game is a prime example of this. Bert's foot GRAZES him. Comes in close to him. Luongo, however, dives like he just got whacked by Jeff Gillooly. Seeing that contact, you REALLY have to act to even fall in that way. Its shameful.

So picture that. Play is happening. The game hasn't stopped. You've had Homer's planet sized ass in your face all night, and maybe he'd had enough. Whether these factors entered his mind or not, he had a decision to make - Flop like you're a European soccer player and POSSIBLY allow a puck in the net that may or may not be waved off; or make a fucking attempt to stop the puck....

....and you know which he picked. He went down like he'd been shot in the leg, and Kronner's shot got waved off. And that's fine, since we won in the shootout anyway (the best possible FUCK YOU to such a giant vagina). But that's who he is. HE WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THAT TEAM UNTIL THIS SEASON. How fucked in the head is that? He is not clutch. Sure, he won a gold, but my recollection of that game is Luongo positively itching to give that game away, looking shaky in the clutch. What a wuss.

2. Saddle up Jimmy, because you're carrying this team.

The state of the Wings health is kind of astounding this year. Pav, Buckets, Fil, Mikey-Mo, and now Brad Stuart. Now, Osgood is getting his groin injury evaluated, and there's a possibility this might be a longish term injury. How does Jimmy respond?

He seemed to know what he needed to do. He won this game tonight. He carried that team on his back; and with every god damn body out, he'll have to do that with a lot more frequency than he probably should. The team is in a great place in the standings in a VERY competitive Western conference, which is good, because with all the injuries, they may need it.

Players are stepping up and filling bigger roles better than last year, but while everyone is out, this team will go as far as Tiberius can carry them.

So many other things we could talk about, but TSO is working its way back into blogging shape. Welcome back to us. Game recaps, hockey talk, and creative swears will appear with more frequency. Welcome back to us.

Pissing on the worst logo in hockey

In a word - Dominating.

That was Saturday's game against the Avalanche; owners of the stupidest logo in all of hockey. I know the "rivalry" is pretty dormant, as the Avs have been also-ran's for awhile now. I, however, still feel the hate, as i'm pretty sure most Wings fans still do. Maybe not as hard, or as intense, but its still there. So even if its an early season game where half their team is injured.....I don't care. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Now that Hudler has found his game, Drew Miller is where he belongs, I think - The press box. No shame in that Drew. You'll get your ice time. Someone will get hurt, people will need rests.

2. The worst part of the above statement? Validating needless hatred of a certain podcast podcast NOT named TP:60.

3. On a related note - Check out the most recent TP:60, the one where in Natalie rocks crotches over the audio waves! Trust me, its amazing. You get Nat being awesome, Casey from WIM doing his thing, Disch, who is always good for some fun times, and Hollis, the best host in the biz. TP:60 is ALWAYS worth a listen.

4. On a podcasty note (again, not TP:60 related, but you know what i'm talking about) - If I were ever on a podcast, and used the following names: Hooler, Sitcharelli, Citzarelli, and Lindstrom; I would seriously fire myself from said podcast. Just sayin'.

5. A point made by Nat from the podcast holds true for me as well - I'm curious about the game against the Blues on Wednesday. So far, we haven't really played anybody. The only team we have played that was worth a shit was Vancouver; and we got them at the end of a West Coast trip; on the tail end of a playing the night before. Not a true indicator of how things could go; at least I don't think so. But I mean, beating up on an injury riddled Avs team doesn't mean a great deal. Now we can start measuring what the team is really about. It starts with the Blues on Wednesday. The Scrappy household has watched a bunch of Blues games this year and are impressed. Not a bad team. Really curious to see what the Wings can do Wednesday.

All told, a great win. When Bert is shooting the puck like that, you know the Wings are rolling. And there will likely be a lot of locusts in our future. Finding a safe bunker might not be the worst idea.

Go Wings.

Get your ass out there and hang on to it!

Oh, I will Babcock, I will. Live TV is glorious.

A good effort by the Wings tonight. Much better than the Vancouver game, which fell apart. One observation i'd like to throw out from that game - Luongo's body language is HORRIBLE. He gave up 4 goals, and on half of those, he baby cried about something or the other.....it was never HIS fault; either someone interfered, or Cleary 'threw it in', or the sun was in his eyes, or some shit....Just suck it up and move on.

Anyway, on to tonights game:

1. Jimmy's near death experience on the ice scared the living shit out of me. Where did yours jump to? Mine? Groin injury; followed closely by blown MCL (look who remembers taking Human Anatomy ages ago in high school. Me=expert). Thankfully he just had to rub a little dirt on it and he was fine.

2. Jiri Judler is a midget. Duh, i'm sure is the first thing YOU thought. Dick. Homeboy is seriously weak on the puck.

3. Ulf Samuelsson - I can't believe that fucker is a coach. I figured he'd taken to a post-career job of burning down convents and taking shits on homeless people while they sleep. Nat's thoughts on Ulf? "His eyes are way too close together", implying of course he has some sort of cognitive difficulties. Why yes, yes they are, and yes, he likely does. She's the best :)

4. I'm going to give you three phrases, used in order of most scary to least scary:

Lebda joins the rush!

Looks like Stuart is jumping up in the play!

The Wings have brought Tim cheveldae out of moth balls to start in goal for the remainder of the season

5. I could give or take the first two periods of the game. Pav made me want to throw myself from a moving car until the third, when he decided to shoot again. Starting in the Vancouver game, I felt he did that thing he does where he becomes "too cute" and stops doing the things that make him good. Of course, this is me essentially saying "Hey, best player on the team, perpetual Selke nominee.....Here's what you SHOULD be doing", so i'm going to shut the fuck up.

6. Speaking of said first two periods....until about two minutes to go in the second; everything just looked off. No one was meshing, shit didnt look right at all. Except....

7. Abdelkader. This kid is a house on fire right now. At this point i'm sure he can do no wrong. A great couple of games by him. He's so awesome i'm fairly certain he impregnated me from afar tonight; especially difficult a task since i'm a dude.

8. Fun fact - during the Versus coverage; when they showed footage from the concourse....Did you see that Legace jersey? It happened, I promise.

9. I was also asked to address the fact that Aaron Ward looks like an asshole/date rapist.

OT win is pretty awesome. Rusty came up big in overtime. A win is a win.

WOO.

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE

See what I did there? With the oil?

I've started with this theme in my past few game recaps, but its really true - Its great watching this Wings team. The last two games were complete dominance. Calgary; the game was 2-1, and it never felt in doubt, not once. Tonights game was the same. Complete dominance. Granted, this is Edmonton - you SHOULD dominate them, as they are not particularly good at hockey. Last year, however, it didn't go that way in games like these. This team, however, is different. Way different. Not much changed; but a lot changed, if you know what I mean. Onward to the recap, broken down by periods, as I finally decided to get smart and take notes so I don't forget the multitude of shit I want to say about the game while its occurring....so anyway, my random observations:

1st Period

As a Center Ice subscriber, I have to point this out - Watching Edmonton games is ALWAYS strange. The arena seems....darker than most. I never notice player shadows, but it Edmonton, its so prevalent. What accounts for this? Smart people, unite, and tell me. Its also the only arena that comes to mind where the camera angle is behind the player bench, instead of the penalty box. I could be way off on this.

Mickey seems extra crazy/drunk this season. Random, almost incoherent mid-game rants....I think I like this Mickey. He and Murph need to hang out more often.

One thing I missed while hockey season wasn't around? Commercials for Big Boy. So nostalgic. In college, our town had a Big Boy. The food was borderline poison, but they had a Big Boy statue in front the size of a person. It was my goal to steal it. Sadly, it didn't happen. This is, and always will be, my lifes biggest regret.

Here's exactly what I wrote next on my paper - "Resurgence of Riggy Shitbox" (kudos to TPL for the name; best shit ever). Two games back is not a great sample size, but that oaf is playing a fucking good game.

On a related note, with Bert starting the season hot, and Riggy Shitbox looking serviceable....I'm convinced all we need is TPL to talk shit about horrible players and they'll turn it around. Maybe you take a run at Janik next? Perfect transition to the....

2nd period

When Stu went down in front of the net, our house thought he was dead....until we saw the replay and realized he took a lesson from the Dougie Janik school of skating and simply fell down. Maybe we make Doug an assistant coach to teach falling without injuring yourself.

Yes, the hit on Pav was clean (though initially, it looked horrendous in fast motion). That being said, I LOVE Ericsson defending Pav here. Teams need guys like that.

Hudler kind of belongs back in the press box, yes?

Abdelkader is on-fucking-fire, yes? Holy shit that kid is playing well right now.

Kindl takes some dumb penalties.

3rd period

More of an overall theme....but yeah, that game didn't really feel in danger to me. Not once.

Stortini is a shit heel.

Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy....this kid can take the Wings far. With the defense playing pretty damn good in front of him, he can make those 4 or 5 tough saves most nights to keep them on top. I love him.

Overall, a pretty complete night for the Wings, wouldn't you say?

The potential, if unrealistic, thought of Joey Mac in the tail end of the back to back on the road scares me just the slightest bit.

Go Wings.