17 February 2012

Winner Winner, 22 Chicken Dinners

Never in my life have I seen so many homoerotic tweets involving another man. After Datsyuk scored that goal with a handful of seconds left on the clock, my twitter feed erupted with hundreds of dudes talking about how they just jizzed in their pants. I pooped mine, so the clean up is way worse. What a game ending play by the big three. I don't even think you could recreate that on a video game even if you played eight hours a day for the next decade.

Joey_______Mac played outstanding again, even bailing himself out after an ill advised clear up the middle. He has more than earned his spot on this team. I left a blank space for a nickname. You will find out more about that later on. Sorry Conks, but you can pick up you plumber's apprentice application at the front desk on the way out.

I think it has been over a year now since either of the Scrappy originators have posted here. So to trick Brian and Natalie into sort of posting, I pretended to be a high school student with a sports reporting assignment for my English class. I submitted a series of questions that they needed to answer or my teacher would beat me senseless. They both agreed. In fact, Brian was very eager to help, going so far as to offer to do the interview face to face while we shared the Mike's Hard Lemonade he said he would bring.

So here it is. The glorious return of Brian and Natalie...sort of.

1. With the trade deadline looming, are there any players you are lusting for? And if you circled yes, what are you willing to offer up?

Brian-Yes. I would love Rick Nash but I don't think we have the pieces to give up. Another along those lines would be Jack Johnson; would love him, but doubt we have the pieces to get it done. I also doubt Suter gets dealt, so anyone realistic; no. I'd be willing to give up Kindl as part of a deal for a better defenseman, Ericsson as well (but in my mind, he has a trade value of "Lebda"). In all reality though I feel very good about our team as is and I doubt they make a move, and if it is, it'd be a small one (Knuble? Moen?). Mark me down as most definitely NOT on the Ales Hemsky wagon, as he is a giant wuss.

Natalie-Lusting for? Sure. In a non-screaming-bonerjamz way? Possibly. Pretty much every year, I have the same mentality when approaching the deadline: Even though there may be interesting prospects, I'm never super amped to chop up the team that's doing well in order to experiment. I liked toying with the idea of acquiring Ryan Suter, but since he's allegedly staying put, and again, I don't feel that the Wings would benefit from the moves required to snag him, I had to clock that one in the ol' spank bank, too.

Zac-I would offer up Kindl or Ericsson for a seasoned 5/6 defenceman. With the Preds picking up Gill I think everything is off the table until this summer. But quite honestly, do you really want to tinker with a team that is on top of the NHL? Maybe someone who puts the puck in the net, but I am stuck as to who would realistically be given up.

2. How many actual Ericsson's does it take to equal his contract?

Brian-This is an excellent question that I've given a lot of thought to, and i'm thinking there isn't an actual answer to it, and i'll tell you why. For every competent/impressive thing he does, he blows three assignments/turns the puck over, etc. So if you had more Ericcson's, you would only expand the bad things with not getting more good in return. TRICK QUESTION ASS BAG.

Natalie-Is this like the old "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?" commercial, meaning that some wise cartoon animal will descend from the heavens and deliver an enlightening answer? Because I could really use one. But if you're asking me for a firm number, I'd say it's somewhere between 419 and 5,221.

Zac-Yes it was a trick question. The answer is zero. My math is rock solid on this one. If you want me to show my work, fuck off, I did it all in my head.

3. Give Joey MacDonald a nickname that doesn't involve a macaroni and cheese reference.

Brian-Special Sauce. BIG MAC REFERENCE. You could say something like (after a big save) - "Oh Joey MacDonald put some special sauce on that save!"

Natalie-Joey "Thanks for saving our ass" MacDonald. Sure, it doesn't pack the same one-two punch as Beej's "Special Sauce" (nasty!) moniker, but seriously, we're fortunate we had J-Wow-Mac waiting in the wings while Ty Conklin was busy clogging up toilets with his own homegrown bullshit.

Zac-Joey "I prefer that you address me as Joseph, opposing shooter" MacDonald. Joey "Baby Kangaroo" MacDonald. Joey "How you doin'" MacDonald. Hmmm. Special Sauce it is.

4. What is your starting lineup for the alumni game? Since you have already filled one out in your head, construct a 2nd line.

Brian-Oz in goal, obviously (With Tim Cheveldae riding pine and being terrible, as he was my entire childhood). First line of Federov, Kozlov, and Larianov, with Fetisov and Chelli on D. Second line? Oh, I got your back. Draper centers Maltby and Homer (because he's done after this season). Notice who isn't there? Lidstrom. Because he is never retiring ever. Absent are Howe (doubt he plays) and Stevie (because he said he isn't playing). If they were they would obviously be high on this list.

Natalie-Homer - Draper - Downey. Come on, 2/3 of that answer was a fucking given. Because the combination of fierceness/gingeriness/hotness would equal unparalleled fabulousness both on and off the ice. It would be a real joy to see Rafalski and Cheli back in the Winged Wheel. And, of course, I have to bring Ozzie back (sry, h8rs). As far as a second line, I'm going to go ahead and flex the traditional meaning of the word "alumni" so I can bring in a line of Ville Leino - Jason Williams - Sean Avery so you ungrateful motherfuckers can go ahead and REMEMBER WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

Zac-I like those lines. I think I am going to pencil them in. But Konstantinov does the puck drop. I don't care if there are ten people helping him do it, but he has to be involved.

5. Invent an event for the Winter Classic festivus.

Brian-A $5 to punch Wendell Clark in the face booth.

Natalie-The #55 challenge: How many hot dogs can you eat in 55 minutes? Years later, the Freep will print a fluff piece citing the coincidence that many people wrote in their commemorative WC burn books, "Larry Murphy: He made out with a hot dog."

Zac-My event also involves Larry Murphy. We hire the racing wiener assortment from the Brewers. They get a five second lead before the Murph is unleashed. Place your bets as to which one Larry catches first and devours in one sitting not realizing that it's actually a dude in a foam suit.

6. Teemu Selanne. Yes or no. And why.

Brian-No. With Anaheim surging I don't think they'd trade him. I LOVED Teemu and if we could get him for next to nothing, he'd be a welcome addition. But giving up pieces for a guy who is retiring end of season? Pass. I would, however, trade Shitbox for him. Because they would be doing us a favor.

Natalie-Nah. While I have all the respect in the world for Selanne, I can't imagine Anaheim actually dealing him at this point, and I'm good with where we are.

Zac-I say nay as well. A) The Ducks wouldn't let him go to the Wings. B)And I don't want to wake up to NHL.com headlines about how new teammate got Kronwalled into a vat of icy-hot and is out 6-8 weeks with chemical burns.

7. Who do you want to face in the first round of the playoffs? Columbus is off the table, only teams that have a legitimate shot of making the playoffs.

Brian-Does Dallas have a legit shot? Because they're a special brand of terrible (but somehow competitive. I don't get it).

Natalie-If the playoffs began the second I'm writing this, we would face Los Angeles in the first round. I'm totally OK with that. Then again, if anybody in the L'Eastern Conference wanted to play wife swap with their opponent in the first round, I'd be totally OK with that, too.

Zac-I wouldn't mind Phoenix. Whoever we face is cool as long as the Wings stay up and retain home ice.

8. With the success of the shootouts this season, do you look forward to them, or do you still watch them peeking through your fingers.

Brian-I'll never ever feel good about them. Count me in the apparent minority that likes shootouts (games need finality. I know ties existed all through my childhood and I always thought they were stupid, and you can't have never ending OT in the regular season. If you wanted to end ties with a slap fight i'd be ok with that too, so long as it doesn't end in a tie). I simply remember every year in recent past when the Wings have been god awful in them, and I think now they're living in some sort of bizarro opposite world where they are doing well in them and eventually they'll fall back to earth.

Natalie-Eh, it's a mixed bag. Honestly, I'm fine with them, provided they don't go past the third or fourth round of skaters. If Pav, Bert, Huds and Hank all blank and/or fail to close, I'm shitting my pants brown.

Zac-I would much rather win in regulation, denying teams the bonus point for slightly sucking rather than outright sucking. But I do enjoy writing the "Inside the head of Todd Bertuzzi" segment.

9. One night. No rules. Which group of three Red Wings do you have a Hangover sort of night on the town with?

Brian-Ideally it would be Homer, because he'd be a real hoot. But the person most likely to have that kind of experience every night of his life is Hudler.

Natalie-Homer, Hudler and Datsyuk. Datsyuk because even if the night went downhill, he could just read the phone book in his accent and be the life of the party, without question. Homer because I'm pretty sure you can't get a DUI on a snowmobile (but don't quote me on that). And Hudler because I'm pretty sure he can tell me how which homeopathic creams are best for clearing up whatever ails me in the morning.

Zac-You fools. I give you the perfect opportunity to mysteriously "disappear" Ericsson and you waste it on debauchery? No, that's mean. Homer, Kronwall, and Cleary. Homer would be fun in any situation. I would love to hear Kronwall talk to Mike Tyson. And I have always wanted to have a beer with Cleary.

10. How are the wedding plans coming along?

Brian-We have none yet! Eloping doesn't involve planning.

Natalie-Oh, shit...is that what we're supposed to do next?

Zac-Whatever you do, do it how you want to do it and not for anyone else. It's your day and you should both feel like a princess.

Well there you go folks. Today I walked in all Verbal Kent and walked away Keyser Soze. Now sweep up that broken coffee cup.

And for number 23, Let's Go Wings


  1. You've used in this post the greatest phrase I've ever heard - your Keyser Soze line. Holy hell....I could not stop laughing. GENIUS WORK ZACH

  2. I can't even close to the amazing responses seen in this post, but since you asked on Twitter (and I'm bored)...here goes nothing. Before I begin though: simply amazing work, everyone. I couldn't stop laughing.

    1. Lusting for? Sure...but I don't think there's anyone out there I'd want that would take the ever popular Hudler and a 3rd. Besides, I want to keep Hudler here for what could be an epic 24/7 in December. Also, like Zac mentioned this team is cruising. No sense breaking it up.

    2. Not even a successful Inception performed on me (it's still ok to refer to that movie, right?) could convince me that Ericsson is worth that contract.

    3. Joey "call me Johnny Moxon" MacDonald. If you get that reference, we can be friends.

    4. Fedorov-Larionov-Kozlov, Fetisov-Chelios, and Osgood in goal. Second line of Gerard Gallant-Adam Oates-Joe Kocur so I can feel like I jumped back into a time machine to 1988. Maybe even have Wendel Clark play a shift for the Wings just so I could see the look of horror on the faces of every Leafs fan there. Good times.

    5. The events you all mentioned must happen.

    6. No. All the respect in the world for Teemu Selanne, but I don't see the Ducks trading him here.

    7. I wouldn't mind seeing the Avs if they can sneak in, but LA/Phoenix/Calgary I'd be okay with too.

    8. Still can't stand 'em, although it's always fun to see what kind of tricks Datsyuk and Bertuzzi will unleash on the netminder.

    9. Hudler, Commodore...and Howard. Crap, I'd be the one that ends up 'missing' in that group, wouldn't I?

    10. -------------


  3. A Van der Geek reference! Haha. Must re-watch. Clever.

    I love everything about this post. Everything.

  4. Norm, I love your #9 answer involving Commodore. You'd HAVE to make sure you didn't end up missing, at least not before he lets you roll around in his cash stash. Maybe THAT could be an event for the Winter Classic...

    1. Commodore's bed in one of those air chambers. Grab as much moolah without touching Commodore's underwear clad body.