HEY! I Said Knock it Off

The title was said in my dad voice. Even if you don't have kids, you probably remember someone using that voice on you. It has a tone and a timbre that is unique in that the receiver stops everything they are doing and snaps to attention. Now that I have your myopically focused attention, listen up. Stop this shit. Let us move forward.

First things first. The game. Yeah, that sucked. It was hard to watch. Were the Wings outplayed? Perhaps. Was their flow and inability to get some sustained pressure caused by some horseshit calls and non-calls? I believe so. Have I ever played in the NHL? No. Have I ever reffed an NHL game? No. I only have my opinion and replay which makes me kind of an expert, just like millions of others around the world. And the medium of blogging is just that. It is you, the writer, officially putting your opinion out in the world to see. Not only to see, but to comment on as well.

So second things second. People who are putting these opinions out into the world need to live by the old adage, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". And if you want to comment on these blog posts you have to be able to stand the heat as well. None of this hit and run bullshit. From both parties. There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read for whichever team you follow. Fat blogs, skinny blogs, blogs who climb on rocks. And even blogs that still think Lidstrom is Lindstrom. So if you don't like someone's opinion on a consistent basis, don't go and fucking read it. Doi.

Thirdly. The twitter. Yes, all of this shit will eventually get to the twitter. Which quite honestly, because of the 140 character limit, is kind of the perfect place to argue. It's hard to write your soliloquy of doom in such a short space. Oh, and threatening to unfollow someone on twitter is some passive aggressive bullshit. Unfollow or don't. Don't talk about it for three days. And tweeting about how many people you unfollowed is wishy-washy. Who cares. If you are following other fanbases, especially during the playoffs, things are bound to get heated. But seriously, you should know that going in.

Here is an example. Yesterday I wrote that Douglas Murray was as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Somebody on twitter called me out on my mistake. He said Murray is UGLIER THAN a jar of smashed assholes. He would be right and I was wrong and I thank you for pointing out my egregious error. And I also apologize to jars of smashed assholes everywhere for even thinking of comparing the horrendous visage of Douglas Murray to you.

So in summation: Sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree. Fuck the stupid-head Sharks. Let's go Red Wings. You know what kind of calls and douchebaggery this series will bring so you boys need to play accordingly.

Doubling the Output for 2011

I did want to have some kind of revengey type title, but that's not really the tone I'm going for. And let's face it, I would be the shoe in the Revenge Society. I also don't really see this as a revenge series. If you were a team that struggled for years, made the playoffs, got bumped, and then faced the same team in the following years' playoffs. Then I would see it as a revenge series. As it is, the Red Wings face a team that they stumbled on last year.

Some little known Shark facts:

They are required by law to have a life guard at practices.

Greg Louganis is a special secret advisor to the team.

The Sharks refuse to stay in a hotel that has a No Diving sign posted by the pool.

"Okay Zac, we get it. You think the Sharks are divers."

Yeah, we'll get to that, but I have one more Shark fact to share:

Doug Murray is as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Oh wait. One more thing. Setoguchi takes longer than the other players to hit the showers after practice because he takes a little bit of "Devin Time" while wearing Thornton's jock on his face like a doctor's mask.

All right, I will give you that the Murray one is an opinion and the Setoguchi one is an educated guess. I mean come on, look at that douchebag.

The Sharks can actually be a scary team when they are clicking. Their lines go deep. They are their own worst enemy though. When games don't go their way they resort to douchebaggery. When you see Jumbo getting thuggy then you know the game isn't how they want it to be. And if he starts taking shots at Lidstrom and Holmstrom he can fuck right off back to his summer home in Cuntsylvania.

I see the Red Wings taking this series in 6 games.

My game gear is still going to the Shirtuzzi. I wore it for all four games last series. Yes I did not wash it. Yes I am lucky that I am married to a Red Wings fan who is just as superstitious as me.

Who's this clown?

The Scrappy Octopus has been most generous in inviting me to come say a few words every once in a while. Who am I? Just a fellow Red Wings fan. What makes you think you can blog about the Wings? I don't, really. I will never rely on "stats" or "facts". I won't use "rationale". I will scream Fuck You at the top of my lungs just to win an argument. But seriously all joking aside, I am too lazy to create my own blog, and there are already enough good ones out there. I am just happy to pop in, write some crazy shit for some like minded people, and then steal away like a thief in the night. On the twitter you might know me as @Flapjack_McZap. In real life you might know me as Zac, lover of fine hams.

Let's get down to some business toot sweet.

So the Norris nods came out and it shouldn't be any surprise that Lidstrom was nominated. Let us look at the other nominees. Shea 'Unfrozen Caveman' Weber and Zdeno 'Swingin Neckbreaker' Chara. I don't know if Chara was thrown in there because of his +/- or what. Hell, if you try to base it on numbers, Brian Rafalski had stats comparable to that of Chara and Weber with 20 less games. But as long as Lidstrom is around all other D-men for the Wings will always be bridesmaids but never the bride. Quite honestly, you can take any defenseman in the top 20 and make a case for every one of them.

But fuck all that noise. Chara is out because of the 'Hit'. And Lidstrom beats out Weber because.....how does this go? Oh yeah, Lidstrom is a better defenseman than Weber.

Speaking of Weber. I know a lot of Wings fans hate that guy, but he's a restricted free agent next year and I like the cut of his motherfuckin' jib. And for all of you haters out there, I understand, this is like the Chelios situation for me. For a lot of people he WAS the Blackhawks. It took me a couple of seasons to get used to him being a Red Wing. And now look, he's our beloved Chelios.

I am getting really anxious for round 2 of the playoffs to start. I'm totally, "yay for the sweep", but I want to watch my team again.

One last thing before I go. Can we as a society all agree to stop using pun titles for blogs and websites where you substitute a form of the word 'puck' for a form of the word 'fuck'. I'm sorry, but its so played out. Remember, puns are the mimes of the joke community. And nobody likes a mime. Or mimery. Or mimeness. If we don't put a stop to this now we will end up like Idiocracy and wind up getting all of our hockey information from Butt Puckers.com.