I got nothing.

How can you possibly expect me to come up with a title at this time? How could I possibly choose just a few succinct words to describe how I'm feeling right now, at this very moment?

The Wings lost 6-5 in a shootout tonight.

This was after the Oilers scored the first goal of the game 0:42 into the first period. And after they scored the second goal of the game before the first half of the first period was up. And after they converted a Wings penalty to make the game 3-0 before the first buzzer. And after the Oilers took to the ice at the beginning of the second and made the game 4-0 within the first minute of the second period. And after the Wings rebounded from a 5-1 deficit to tie up the game, forcing overtime, after the Oilers shat themselves for the duration of the third period.

It was after the Wings fired off forty-five shots.

It was after Darren Helm and Patrick Eaves each scored their first goals of the season--Mr. Helm with his first career regular-season goal ever, despite being a postseason phenomenon last spring.

It was after Todd Bertuzzi finally had some luck with the net.

It was after a disgusting number of shots by the likes of Kris Draper, Henrik Zetterberg, Pavel Datsyuk, Nicklas Lidstrom, et al., bounced off the post or somehow off Nikolai Khabibulin (bleh).

It was after the Wings rebounded during the latter part of the game, controlling play, keeping the puck out of their own zone for the most part, after being dry humped by the Oilers all throughout the neutral zone and in their own territory during the early portion of the game.

And then it all came down to a shootout, in which, apparently, Datsyuk and Zetterberg had given up the idea of trying to put some stank on their shots. I love shootouts, as long as they don't involve my team.

I kinda don't feel anything. Maybe frustrated due to the loss after all that? Maybe weirdly optimistic due to the comeback (i.e., the Wings deciding to give a shit for at least 1/3 of the game tonight)? Maybe just kinda bleh. Super bleh. Super fuck.

***

Brian was correct on a comment he left on the Tuesday recap: Jimmy Howard scares the shit outta me with his rebounds. He made some spectacular saves tonight; conversely, how much did my heart skip a beat when a loose rebound squeaked toward the slot? Howard has fast reflexes and is obviously a quick-thinking goaltender, but his puck-handling has got to improve.

***

Yeah. So, guess who has two thumbs and felt like a total jackass. Of all the songs that could have possibly played during the game tonight, and of all the songs that could have been chosen by the Rexall Place maestro to pump up the crowd for one of Edmonton's power plays (one of the ones they ended up converting), of course "Cat Scratch Fever" was it. I can't believe that rat bastard Ted Nugent betrayed me. My permanent dibs are officially off.

***

Is this the end of the world? Aside from my breakup with Ted Nugent, no. I'm just extremely frustrated right now. This is a horrible way to lose. On top of wanting my team to win for obvious reasons, winning this game tonight would have made an amazing statement that the team is on the right track. Tonight's play was horribly inconsistent and maddening. What else is there to say?

***

Holy fuck on a stick: I just checked the news to see if there were any updates on Valtteri Filppula since he left the ice mid-game with an undisclosed injury. Per the Detroit Free Press, Filppula will be out for 6-8 weeks due to a broken wrist. Sigh.

Wings @ Oilers tonight.

Tonight, the Wings meet up with Edmonton for the first time this season.

There's all kinds of talk about the fear of catching swine flu, specifically because the Wings are playing Edmonton, which apparently is a heeby-jeeby H1N1 hotbed. Ick...

Worth noting are solid pregame summaries via Snipe Snipe, Dangle Dangle and On the Wings. The always-entertaining The Triple Deke and Nightmare on Helm Street have some funnies to rock your socks, including, respectfully, a Don Cherry-inspired Oilers blog and a nice Kronwall-ed joke. Highly recommended.

Me? I kinda got nothing today. I'm gearing down for the game tonight, but today is one of those days when work is turning my brain into goo. Is it feasible to quit and become a professional fan?

I did want to point out that Pavel Datsyuk had put out several awesome quotes into the universe over the course of this week, the first before the Vancouver game on Tuesday, re: Mikael Samuelsson (per George Malik):

I see he's playing well, but now he's no friend of mine.

And today, regarding his improved performance and going forward (also per George Malik, per the Detroit Free Press):

“I’m a shooter now, shooter,” Datsyuk said. “I’m happy to shoot. I need more shoot. I’m looking forward to shoot. Sometimes I shoot, sometimes I forget I need to shoot -- maybe I make it tattoo.”

Thatta boy, Pasha. Love this guy. You need more shoot? Here you go:



***

I have a good feeling about the game tonight; I've been experiencing all kinds of auspicious signs. Well, ok, TWO auspicious signs, but whatevs:

1. There's a guy at my place of employment right at this very moment who sounds just like Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I kid you not. And we KNOW that guy had excellent taste. Fuuuuck yeah:



2. I head heard (heh, heh) Ted Nugent on the radio today. "Cat Scratch Fever". Yeah. That happened. Why does it matter? Incidentally, he's from Michigan, AND I have permanent dibs on him, two very good reasons why this counts as a positive sign.



***

LET'S GO, WINGS.

And now, to get us really, really psyched, it's time for the old standby:



***

All right, Michigan inhabitants, I'm going to post something at the end of all my posts directing you to another post in which I beseech you for your opinion on a hotel The Scrappy Octopi are considering for our December jaunt to Detroit. Just a quick yes or no on whether the place in question is sketchy. I will do this on every post; I have no pride...or shame.

Part 2 - Wings triumph over Canucks, 5-4.

To be sure, it was an imperfect game. The penalties the Wings took in the third period almost made me lose my damn mind, not to mention the fact that the Canucks scored within the first 30 seconds of the puck drop.

No matter how happy the game made me (exact description: happier than Kurt Warner at a Jesuslovefest), it's important to keep in mind that it's just one game, and in no way is the team out of the woods. It's a long season, we're only in October, we've got a long way to go.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Pavel Freakin' Datsyuk. Holy shit. I looked for a video last night of this goal and couldn't find one. Today, we're in luck. Here is a beautiful goal, his first of the season, straight from Datsyuk's playbook:





I know I've bitched, ad nauseum, about how Pasha needed to score in every game ever, so it's obvious that I missed watching him do his thing and score amazing goals like this, but wow--watching him do this never fails to amaze me.

2. Jimmy Howard came up huge last night. It's unfortunate that Chris Osgood had the worst night ever, but pulling him was totally the right call, and I am ecstatic that Babcock did it so early. Had he not, it would have only gotten worse from there. (How much did I want to light myself on fire after the Canucks scored their 2nd goal? On a scale of 1-10, -----> infinity.)

3. The Scrappy Octopi, while watching the game last night, looked at each other during the 3rd period flurry and remarked, "Has Homer been on the ice for every single goal scored by the Wings?" Although statistically not true, it sure felt that way. (Oh, and anyone who thinks that goaltender interference should have been called when Homer was shoved into Luongo after Kronwall's goal was in the net should kiss my ass.)

4. I can't believe Brett Lebda actually lifted the net up and out of the ice. I'm not even mad; I'm impressed. (Thank you, Anchorman.)

5. How much did I want to physically harm Brad Stuart for the boarding penalty at that crucial moment during the third period? On a scale of 1-10, -------> infinity^infinity. I thought the hit was a little shady--not that Stuart intended to board him, but it was a close call.

6. Todd Bertuzzi is bound to get a goal one of these days. I would gladly give 10 years off my life, however, if in the interim, we don't have to hear the adjective "snakebitten"; it reminds me too much of everyone's description of Datsyuk during the playoffs, and it gives me nightmares.

7. Brian is funny. Per an email from him:

Sadly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL said the last 5 of the game will need to be replayed. Brad Watson phoned the league at 3am and said he intended to blow the last Wings goal dead. This sucks :(

8. I giggle with wreckless abandon every time I hear the name Mason Raymond now. Can't you just picture him putting in a chaw before he goes on the ice? Or retreating to his deer stand after games? Brian likes to picture him with camo skates on. I couldn't find a picture of this, but I did find a picture of this:

Come on, it's a car painted in a camo pattern and it's a Camaro. That would fetch you at least $1K at a yard sale around these parts. Or you could go park it at the high school and snag some jail bait. I'm just saying.

***

All right, Michigan inhabitants, I'm going to post something at the end of all my posts directing you to another post in which I beseech you for your opinion on a hotel The Scrappy Octopi are considering for our December jaunt to Detroit. Just a quick yes or no on whether the place in question is sketchy. I will do this on every post; I have no pride...or shame.

PashaPashaPasha

Wings beat Canucks, 5-4.

Pavel Datsyuk scores two goals and one assist.


More to follow tomorrow. Imperfect (and definitely interesting) game, but nonetheless, am on cloud nine for the night.

Wings @ Canucks tonight.

The Wings take on the Canucks in Vancouver tonight at 10 p.m. Eastern (sigh).

First: Please, please, please help out The Scrappy Octopus decide where it's going to park itself during its trek to Detroit in December by reading this post and commenting with helpful recommendations. So far, the only suggestions are (A) a zamboni and (B) Aaron Downey's potato farm, the former of which isn't very feasible, and the latter of which is just my imagination running away with me.

***

And now, The Scrappy Octopus's lameass version of a preview, in the form of a worst-case scenario list.

Things That Are Worse Than Discovering Your Boyfriend Has a Penchant for Vampire Vag in a Can*

1. Mikael Samuelsson scores a hat trick and not a single one of his shots ends up in another time zone.

2. The Wings get beaten by a team whose mascot is this:

3. The Wings get beaten by a guy who is the proud owner of the most redneck name in all of hockey, Mason Raymond. (I can totally say that; I'm from West Virginia.) Also, he looks like this:

4. The Wings get beaten by a guy who is the proud owner of the second most redneck name in all of hockey, Willie Mitchell. Here's a picture of him knuckle-pillaging his nose:

*Or, for boys who like girls, Things That Are Worse Than Discovering The Hard Way That Your Handy Vag in a Can Has Morphed Into a Vampire Vag (Ouch)

Help! I need advice.

OK, first things first: I'm watching the Toronto @ Anaheim game on PTDucks, and I swear to Christ, the announcer just said, "Uh-oh, look out, cookout" during a Toronto breakaway.

The fuck?

Oh, can we also talk about the cast of Cold Case dropping the puck at the beginning of the game? Goddamnit, I hate the Ducks.

***

OK, for those of you who have so graciously refraining from X-ing out of this window due to obscene levels of bullshit, THANK YOU--and now I have a question that I invite any and all Motown denizens to answer.

We, the Scrappy Octopi(?), are headed to the Motor City in December to celebrate early the birthday of yours truly by attending two games at the Joe, and we need suggestions for a decent hotel. When we stayed in February, we stayed in Roseville; however, this time, we'd prefer to stay someplace either in or closer to the city proper.

I read some good things on Yelp about the Milner Hotel in downtown and found a reasonable deal online for our extended stay, but I wanted to get some honest opinions first before making a decision.

Here is a brief list of my requirements for a good hotel:

(A) I don't want to get stabbed.

(B) I don't want to get crotchrot. (I like having to work for my crotchrot.)

(C) I would, preferably, enjoy being close to stuff, as I/we plan on getting wasted during/after Wings games and wouldn't want to drive 20+ miles like we did during our last stay.

So, Detroiters, please weigh in with your honest opinions; any suggestions for someplace else are welcome, as well. Thanks a million in advance.

(You'll note that getting bicycles thrown at me is omitted from the aforesaid list. I do not mind if this happens to me again.)

Wings lose to Avalanche, 3-1.

So, since I got over my hangover yesterday, and since I finally brought myself to watch the game last night, I can share some thoughts on Saturday night's experience v. the Avalanche:

1. Jimmy Howard is not on my shit list. The 2nd goal he allowed was flukey and weird, but he otherwise played a solid game.

2. Todd Bertuzzi impressed the hell outta me with his 1,437 scoring chances. I especially love that he accomplished this in front of a crowd of booing Avs fans because, you know, I heart animosity.

3. I can't believe Adam Foote took another puck to the face from Nicklas Lidstrom. Ouch.

4. Regarding the first goal for the Avs, Brian Rafalski should not have attempted that pass to Jonathan Ericsson. I love that Big E smashed his stick on the net immediately after the goal; I'm not sure whether he was mad at himself or mad at his teammates, but all signs of temper tantrums make me happy.

5. The top line, currently Datsyuk/Zetterberg/Holmstrom, needs to score now. Is the sky blue? They had some decent chances, especially Datsyuk, doing his thing, but they need to find the back of the net. I feel like I write this exact same thing after every single game we lose.

6. Officially joining the chorus of angry Wings bloggers with this one: Brad Watson should go fuck himself. Maybe it would help him do his job better.*

That's really all I have right now. I'm super disappointed, but when I watched the game last night, I didn't walk away with the same sense of abject failure as I did following other recent games. The game the other night against Phoenix? I'm pretty sure I barfed blood for the rest of the night. Maybe the difference here is that I saw the score while drunk, blogged about it when I was drunk, then finally got around to watching the game, so my emotional state kind of went from, "OMFG, how-could-they-have-lost-again-this-is-horseshit-i-need-another-beer" to "Wait, what was the score again? WHAAAT, we lost?!" to "..." Therefore, maybe this is a sign. A sign that alcohol needs to be present in all viewing situations in order to invert my emotional reactions to disappointing games.

*Actually, at this point, I'm willing to buy this guy a prostitute. He needs to get laid. It would help him relax with this whole whistle-blowing thing and get over himself. I mean, think about it: What do you really think is on his mind with the entire "intent to blow" thing? Anybody in for splitting the costs with me?

What should I call this, anyway?

A) I swore I wouldn't watch NHL scores tonight because I'm out and about, and I Tivo-ed the Wings game.
B) My Wahoos lost--and lost royally--after sitting atop the ACC standings for an entire week. Come on, it was a great 7 days...
C) Yeah, so I saw the score, somewhat inadvertedly, on a Blackberry, and I haven't watched the game yet, and it's taken me 6324 minutes to write this, and I'm drunk and pissed off and I hope there's a good reason for this bullshit. Sorry, guys, but I don't know what else to say right now.
D) Why the fuck is Sheryl Crow playing at Sheetz right now? Is this the big JC's way of telling me Armageddon is nigh? Or maybe I'm already in hell? Sigh...
E). I am royally concerned. And frustrated. Ugh...

Bleh.

I am having the worst day of my life.

Today at work, a guy came in and the following transpired:

He asked me how many powers I've given away to the federal government. I don't remember signing over a power of attorney to Uncle Sam or anything, but I didn't want to piss him off, so I just said I didn't know.

Next, he proceeded to open his briefcase and hand me a pocket version of the U.S. Constitution. (Be honest, sickos--you were hoping I said pocket penis, weren't you?)

Then--I swear to god--he told me to go home and read it so I was better educated about the things my federal government could do to me.

Then he said, "The answer is seventeen. There are seventeen things the federal government has the power to do to you," but he wouldn't tell me what any of them were.

Before he peaced out, his parting words were, "The domain of the states is the only thing we have that's sacred. It's the only thing keeping us free and safe."

I just died.

***

The Wings take on the Avs again tomorrow night, and if they don't win, I am seriously considering parking myself in oncoming traffic.



You're welcome.

Nope, doesn't feel better.

It really doesn't. I don't know if it makes it better or worse to read everyone else's similar takes on the game last night. I think it's safe to say that the Wings' blogosphere has come to the consensus that last night was exhibit # 1,247,039 of the Wings playing schizophrenically--solid and consistent for so much of the game, then turning it off and struggling to maintain their composure and giving up crucial scoring opportunities. What else can you really say? It sucks.

***

Friday is here, and it's also a morning immediately after a gut-wrenching game experience (and LATE! Holy shit, where is my coffee?), so it's time to post something totally stupid in a feeble attempt to cheer the fuck up.

Via Deadspin, I present you:



The Don Cherry jersey.

I know, I know: You're immensely jealous. Don't fret--you can actually place your orders* on this very website. Don't everyone sign up at once.

*Offer not extended to everybody. Dirty Europeans and/or non-English speaking peoples need not apply.