13 May 2013

What Happened To Your Flying V?

It's in the books. The Red Wings defeat the Ducks and move on to round two to face Chicago. Quite honestly, I was stoked that the Wings got the Ducks in round one. I thought it was a good match-up for the boys to get their playoff feet under them, because it would have been a hell of a lot harder to figure this shit out against the Hawks. Now they can take this confidence into round two against Chicago.

A few thoughts on the Ducks. Maybe if Boudreau had changed Geztlaf, Perry, and Teemu's diapers more often, they wouldn't be crying so much. Poopy diapers make it hard to skate I would imagine. Saku Koivu shall be known as The Lesser Koivu henceforth. He is the Baltic and Mediterranean of Koivus. Selanne has to retire this year. It's science. The ageless one has extended his playing career by drinking protein shakes consisting of the harvested hypothalamus of Dick Clark and extract of Betty White, both items of which there are limited supply.The last sands of the hourglass have come trickling down Benjamin Button. Corey Perry. You sir, are a giant walking, talking turd. The best part of the post game last night was during the handshake line and Perry ever so sweetly embraces Todd Bertuzzi. And if you play that part in slo-mo and can read lips, you see him whisper into Todd's ear, "please don't kill me sir". Etem...fuck you, you're good. Escape while you can before you become douche-infected. Getzlaf, you are a perfect example of the term, craptain. I don't know what you think the C on your sweater stands for, but I am pretty sure it doesn't stand for cry. Of which you do a shit-ton. You and Crosby should have a Whine-Off For Charity event using old school yo mama rules. Have fun golfing you guys.

On to the Red Wings. I will pull a politician and totally flip-flop my position on Abdelkader. Me, along with so many other Wing fans (according to my sources which is only half remembering tweets through a drunken haze) were not a fan of him being on the top line. It was an excruciating process watching him develop into a top 6 guy. One huge improvement in his game is that he didn't impale someone's head on a flailing stick which seemed to happen every other game last year. I guess hard work does pay off. Not at my job. Hard work means I get more hard work.  Franzen. Shot blocker. Hustler. Defensively responsible. Whaaaa? That's a big difference from the beginning of the season where I was constantly screaming, "Franzen you lazy motherfucker, MOOOOOVE". Here's something I thought I would never be saying, "Thank god Ericsson is on the ice". He has been solid all season. I think Wings fans are more critical of the D because we compare them to one of the best defenseman ever, especially because we still expect to see #5 step out on the ice for his shift. I am still not sold on Colaiacovo. He did things last night that made me go, "ummmm...what was that exactly". Quincey. I just shake my head. Smith. I'm so, so sorry you are paired with Quincey, but everyone has to overcome handicaps and so can you.

The rookies. I like them. A lot. Questioning my sexual identity a lot. I don't think the Ducks were prepared to deal with this fast creative line. Nyquist has the moves. Brunner has the shot. Andersson has...really good manners? No, he is responsible. And a good defensive forward on a line in which if Nyquist and Brunner feel like makin' bacon, he's there to cover.

Our captain. Hank. Henred Letoberg. All other teams dream of white, they dream of red, but can't find a Zetterman. He willed this team into the playoffs. He willed this team to a first round series win. He increased my sperm count ten-fold. His on ice leadership is Yzermanesque. You see that gleam in his eyes that says, "fuck this, we are winning this game. Come with me into the trenches boys". He has looked in top form all year. Pavel. Datsyuk has done things this year where I just point at the tv and say, "did you see that?" His grand larceny was in full effect last night. Those three steals in one shift, are you kidding me? The will and resolve of those two has been awesome to watch.

Filppula, you still owe us all for that dumbass doink pass behind the net. You want 5 mil, then earn it. Cleary's play reminds of DJ Lance's dancing from Yo Gabba Gabba. It's this odd controlled chaos. I sometimes expect him to somehow explode out of his skates up into the netting, land in front of the goalie to have the puck ricochet off of his nuts America's Funniest Home Videos style and end up with a goal. But I will take that goal.

So now it's on to round 2. How many times will coach Q transform into Yosemite Sam? How many girls will Patrick Kane choke and pee on? How many time will Eddie O-face tell the national audience that the Red Wings are really good at cheating? Only time will tell.

Postlogue-Oregon WI.

A solitary figure sits on his back porch of his country home. He stares down at the two pieces of paper sitting in front of him on his patio table. One is a photograph. The other, which he picks up, is an offer sheet. As the tears start to roll down his face, they hit the paper making the ink run. He now knows what could have been. He looks over at the photo and his rage begins to build. "Fuck you Zach Parise, you did this to me". Ryan Suter drops the Red Wings offer sheet to the ground and screams to the heavens, "WHYYYYYY?!?"

Haha. Suck it Suter. As the old knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade said, You choose...poorly.

Let's Go Wings

18 April 2013

I wrote something.

You know what's even worse than coming back to blogging after a multiyear hiatus and finding that most of the shit on your site is ANCIENT HISTORY (holy fuck, a Derek Meech tag?!) and that in your absence, Blogger has finally reached roughly the mid-year 2002 level of technological prowess?

Waking up to a world in which with less than two weeks to go in the season, the Columbus Blue Jackets are in the playoffs and the Detroit Red Wings are not.

Fuck. Me.

How is this real life?

Or is it actually real life?  I've long suspected that instead of believing we're going to die and THEN go to hell, maybe we're already in hell.  Not HELL hell, like for serial murderers and puppy kickers and Pol Pot and the entire membership of the Westboro Baptist Church, but the good part of hell, for people who are semi-shitty and/or too fun to kick it for all eternity in heaven.  And maybe we've all had our fun in Good Hell for long enough, and now something actually shitty has to happen.  You knew the carefree, free-for-all, whiskey-chugging, circle-jerking shenanigans had to end at some point.  Let's all just reflect on the good times.

Twenty-one years' worth of 'em.

That's a long time.  For many of us, it encompasses the majority or even the totality of our hockey fandom.  The last time the Wings missed the playoffs, I was four.  Danny DeKeyser was in diapers.  Chris Chelios was ushering in the 1990s by celebrating his 1,990th year on Planet Earth.

And now, with just a handful of games remaining for the Wings to scratch and claw their way through to a bottom rung playoff spot, it may soon be all over.  That's what many of us are thinking, anyway.  "It" will be a thing of the past -- the Glory Days, the Dynasty, the certainty that while other teams' fortunes may ebb and flow, Hockeytown's is always on the upswing because The Detroit Way never falters.

Clearly, this season has not given us much to cheer about.  The Wings failed to make a splash during the last offseason, despite the unusually high-profile courting of free agents who would have unquestionably enhanced the roster's chances of success.  The injury bug yet again robbed us of several of our key players, including Darren Helm, and the impact from his absence cannot be overstated.  One of the most horrible sports cliches of all time -- your best players need to be your best players -- has been a steady reminder that when the players who are paid the big bucks to produce the big points fail to register numbers in the books, the loss column begins to outweigh the win column.  Those nagging criticisms from bloviating blowhards we all hate keep manifesting themselves in the results of Detroit's play on the ice:  Tired.  Uninspired.  Over the hill.

Last night's loss against Calgary is fairly comparable to other shitty games we've watched the Wings play this season, except with so much on the line, it's fair to assume that the Ozzie Switch would get flipped -- you know, the one that elevates you from your dogshit potential to your awesomesauce kinesis.  And it didn't happen.  Instead, we watched our team get dry-humped up and down the ice by a team that has been disadvantaged by just about every crappy thing that can happen to a team in the National Hockey League.  Yes, this is real life, and yes, it sucks ass.

I know, I know -- we as Red Wings fans have it good.  I know how the others see us.  Fans of other teams want to punch us in the throat when we gripe about our team being not as good as another, and then we make it to the second round of the playoffs.  They make fun of us for complaining over trifles when we have had the luxury of watching myriad Hall of Famers wear the Winged Wheel over the course of the past two decades.  But here's the deal, straight up:  I don't give a fuck about thinking about this from somebody else's perspective.  JFC, this is the Detroit Red Wings we're talking about here.  Our team.  We make the playoffs, period.  That's just the way it's done.

What happens next?  Playoffs or not, we all know the organization has some tough questions to ask itself.  They're the same questions we've been asking ourselves and one another.  How do we shore up our weak defense in the immediate future?  Are our top players really destined for the roles they have been assigned?  Is a coaching change the answer?  (And for those of us who believe it is, what would a different coach be able to accomplish differently than the current one with this roster?)  Why are we investing so much in broken-down dinosaurs when young kids with exciting potential have had to dust off the kneepads to convince someone for a spot in the lineup?  And, a more painful question for the immediate future:  What's worse -- missing the playoffs and snapping the streak or eking into the playoffs and facing CHI or ANA in the first round?  (Picture this:  An Axe Body Spray-ed, Fratellis-lovin' motherfucker holding up a broom at the Joe?  I know, RIGHT?! Now press the button on this Men in Black-style memory eraser, fast!)

I don't proclaim to know the answers to any of these questions.  As soon as I formulate a moderately intelligent thought, I end it with "Fuck it -- let's just see if we can manage a buyout for the entire team."  People far mathier than I can explain to you the potential financial comings and goings for our team.  People with memories like Beej can recite on cue who's available, who isn't, who has a NTC (I swear, TPL, if I could find the link to your chart, it would have totally gone there).

As for me, I'm just a spoiled, whiny, bitchy, babycrying Red Wings fan who feels THISCLOSE to having a Grade A meltdown if the Wings' season ends on April 27.  In Texas.  Which I'm 13% sure might be Actual Hell.

Over the next ten days, there will be a lot of nail-biting and Xanax-popping.  Definitely some double shots to take the edge off.  Maybe even sex with hobos to relieve some of the tension.  (What?  Don't say you've never considered it...)  We care so much about this team, we're willing to ride the rollercoaster until we fly off the rails and crash into a brick wall.  Because we know that even when we crash, we get back up and keep on going.  Draft Lottery, FTMFW!


21 November 2012

A Thanksgiving Word From Scrappy Octopus

Right now we would be about 2 months into this years season......but we are not.  Our favorite Red Wings are playing over seas or in the AHL.  Negotiations for the CBA are not going well and it looks like this season is lost.  This really sucks the butthole of a corpse.

I have gone through the standard Zac stages of loss.

1. Dur-ness. "That was an entertaining Stanley Cup Finals. Now they can get down to business and hammer out this new CBA so we can have training camp, pre-season, and then a sweet new season.

2. Pissed-ness.  Ummm, hello. It's the end of July and shit doesn't look too good. Come on now guys.

3. Are you fucking kidding me.  No training camp and pre-season is cancelled.  You guys are a bunch of fucking douche-ass fucks. Well, better call Direct TV and cancel Center Ice.

4. Burning Rage of a Thousand Suns. Regular season games start getting cancelled.  I am a seething inferno as a curtain of red lowers before my eyes.  I want to drink the blood of my enemies in front of their families from a golden chalice.

5. Whatevs. I got shit to do.

I am not happy about this. I want to punch Bettman. No. I want punch Bettman as hard as I can. Actually, no. I want to punch Bettman as hard as humanly fucking possible and laugh as his head explodes in a red mist.  Whatever side you take, it doesn't matter. THE FANS LOSE. We buy the merch. And we buy the tickets. Don't get all pissy, owners, when we can't do that because you are demanding the first born from each player and all the unicorn rides you can handle. Don't cry to us when your team folds because you fucked up. People are starting to not care. Those people won't come back. And you have nobody to blame but yourselves.

But fuck all of that. I want every Red Wing fan to have an awesome Thanksgiving. I want every fan of any NHL team to have an awesome Thanksgiving. I enjoy talking to each and every one of you. I am thankful to have you in my life. We will get hockey back someday. For now I will go to high school and college games. Because I love hockey.

Happy Scrappy Thanksgiving.

11 April 2012

Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves

I've been absent from all aspects of the interwebs lately. Twitter, Facebook, blogging. A death in the family will do that. I wanted to do a pre-series write-up much earlier and then stuff just kind of happened. I really wanted to do it during the last two games when people were freaking out about playoff position. Now I get to do it after the dust has settled and the match-ups are set in stone. I did not give a shit about seeding this year. Locking up a spot in the playoffs is all that really matters for me. That last game against the Hawks saw some interesting shit on Twitter regarding seeding. People wanting them to win, people wanting them to lose. And then there were people like me who wanted them to win outright, not to wrap up home ice, but to beat the fucking Hawks. If it was a matter of them losing the game and cancer would be cured, I'd still want them to beat the Blackhawks. Watch a game at the UC and you will understand.

 I saw one tweet where someone wanted them to get the 6th seed because they thought the Wings couldn't beat the Predators. Huh? So, are you just hoping they win one playoff round? What happens if they have to face them later on? Going into the playoffs, I always believe the Red Wings can beat any other team on the table, West or East. This isn't some kind of leap of faith thing either. I've watched them get further than they should have some years and I've seen them come up short when they shouldn't have other years. But I always think they CAN win it all. Every year.

 Would I have preferred that they got home-ice? Sure. Especially the way they played at home this season. But am I sad that they didn't get home-ice? Fuck no. Home-ice guarantees that you play at home for the 7th game. Whoop-de-fuckin'-do. You played a seven game series that will grind you to dust. What if your next opponent's series only went five games? Beating teams on the road makes for successful playoff hockey. That is what the Wings have to do this series, and that is what the Wings can do this series. All of the speculation and stat referencing. All of the "On paper this series favors blob-de-bloo". All of this educated guessing is a moot point. All of the intangibles don't mean jack squat unless they actually come into play.

 The West half of the playoffs is a bare-knuckled grind from top to bottom. Were there teams I would rather the Wings play? Yeah. But any match-up was going to be a tough one. I am totally taking the Wings in this series. I think they will do it in 4 to 7 games. That is my rock solid prediction. You have Radulov. What? Is Wings Nation supposed to shit themselves? Do you have a Goose? That's my wild card in this series. Maybe not a ton of minutes, but they will be meaningful minutes. The Preds will be going, "What the Hell? Who the fuck is this guy now?" Helm coming back is going to be a huge boost. My big 'ole plate of crow I hope to eat, Ericsson. If he can play the same hockey he has played since coming back from injury then that would be lovely. Watching him play, I imagined him in the film room during his recovery with Chelios and Fischer standing behind him reeducating him Clockwork Orange style. Am I completely sold? No. Am I much more hopeful? Yes.

 Well, this shit is about to drop like a ten ton hammer. My drink of choice for the playoffs is shooters of whiskey mixed with pepto. See you all on the Twitters tonight.

 Let's Go Wings

25 March 2012

Thanks For The Angina, Hockey

That was quite a game last night. Both of them. We were flipping between two games last night. Red Wings vs Hurricanes and the UMD Bulldogs vs the Maine Black Bears.  And because of that flipping we missed two thirds of the goals scored, and there were 16 scored in total. At one point the Wings were down 4-1 and UMD was down 2-0. At that rate, if I popped Die Hard into the DVD player, John McClain would have been shot and killed in the first five minutes, thus negating all subsequent Die Hards and tearing a hole in the space/time continuum.  Thanks sports. You just made Planet of the Apes possible. And there is no way I am going to be a house-boy for an effeminate baboon named Chauncey, who I serve tea to while cleaning up all of his flung poop.

But this alternate time-line was not meant to be.  The Bulldogs came back and won 5-2, while the Red Wings dominated the 3rd period finishing the game 5-4. And there was much rejoicing. Zetterberg basically said fuck you to losing last night. Special teams are still sketchy but the Wings can drop the hammer on any team when it comes to 5 on 5. Was there a little extra inspirado with Lidstrom back in the line-up? Maybe. Was there a bit more cohesiveness with old lines being reunited as the injured return? I think so. Did I shit myself when Miller took a puck to the hand? Smells point to yes.

The conundrum the Wings' brass will face is what to do with Smith. He's NHL ready. I know he has been reassigned to the Griffins, but let's just break it down like this.  Kindl has 12 points in 51 games. Ericsson has 10 points in 63 games. Smith has 7 points in 14 games.  I'm no mathaholic, but that gives Smith my G.M. couch nod.  They are all pluses on the season. Smith quarterbacked the PP for the Badgers, so I place a higher value on someone who can play the powerplay. It would make more sense to move Hudler off of the blue line and put Smith back there for the second unit.  This is actually a nice problem to have. It means that the defense is finally fucking healthy. The specter of Doug Janik no longer looms above our heads.

The Hank-Flip-Huds line was a beast last night. This is totally your Lord of the Rings line. Zetterberg is Aragorn. Filppula is so Legolas it is not even funny. And Hudler is any random hobbit. This has been one of the most consistent lines all season.  Nyquist  with Dats and Bert was nice as well. The Thunderchief showed off his awesome summer league softball skills with his mid-air swat. It will be very interesting to see what Nyquist can do with a whole season. One of the coolest things about Datsyuk is the opposing players with the puck know he's there and it doesn't make any difference. He is still going to steal the puck. It's like he is some kind of, I don't know, a....magician.  The ghost of Houdini slips out his straight jacket and applauds every time. Miller is not Miller Lite. He is the High Life. He is your champagne of beers. He gets the job done.  Cleary kind of fits on this line after bouncing around lines this season.

This next paragraph is only for Disch, and not even hockey related. We were grocery shopping yesterday and almost done. And then I saw it.  The most beautiful loaf of marble-rye you ever did see. I believe bread is one of the most sandwich inspiring ingredients out there.  Badass Reubens are on the menu tonight. Jen and I double teamed that grocery store like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. She went to the deli for some premium corned beef and Swiss cheese, where I might have broken an old lady's hip rounding up thousand island dressing and sauerkraut.  I will lightly brush the slices of bread with olive oil to give them the correct amount of crustiness. I will amply layer the meat followed by the Swiss cheese. I will firmly press the sauerkraut to remove excess liquid, (because nothing ruins a sandwich faster than sogginess) and add that layer to the sandwich. A little fresh cracked black pepper and then the thousand island, wrap in tinfoil and heat in the oven for about 20 minutes. Bon Appetit.

There are fourteen points left to go this season. Go out there and get 'em Wings. I'm out to go watch the Hunger Games. I love biographies. And it's been a long time coming for the full story of the Takeru Kobayashi/Joey Chestnut hot-dog eating rivalry. I hear that Larry Murphy is the narrator. I am stoked.

Let's Go Wings

11 March 2012

Roller coaster of...well, it's not love

What's exciting? Seeing what these kids can do. What's not exciting? Having to see what these kids can do this time of year. Despite riding this roller coaster of win, lose, win, lose, lose, win, lose, there are some silver linings. Their losses are only by one goal, so they are not getting blown out with half the Griffins in their line-up. Zetterberg and Filppula are getting hot down the stretch. Miller, Miller, chicken diller (that didn't work how I wanted it to) is adding a little bit of scoring spice to his defensive work. And we are finally getting a good look at Smith, and I am liking what I see. Living in Madison, we got to see what he could do all the time as a Badger, and what he did was good. Right now Ericsson is polishing up Conks plunger. That last sentence is in no way whatsoever a creepy penis euphemism.

 The Griffwings are losing to the better teams by only a goal and they still smoked the Wild and Blue Jackets. So I would be worried if I were these other teams when they have to face a healthy Wings squad, which is hopefully soon. Plus, the Wings have some good kids to plug in when needed, just not all at once. Seeing all of these different lines is a little weird and is probably why we are seeing the more than usual odd-man rushes, which is one of the un-silver linings as assignments are missed. The PP is the same as it was when they were healthy. What I'm saying is, it still sucks. One of those P's must stand for 'poop'. Is their rule of thumb that only the man with the puck can skate around? It's like some bizarre form of freeze tag.

 Another benefit of these switched-up lines is seeing different guys being thrown on a line with Helm. Like Franzen. Yeah motherfucker, you gotta skate hard to stay in the play now. No more Meat Loaf on ice waiting to skate like a bat out of hell only when it suits you. Ewwww, grody. I'm am sincerely sorry for the double Meat Loaf reference. Just a weird thought: If you are meeting Meat Loaf in a formal setting, do you address him as 'Mr. Loaf'? I know I would.

 Sometimes I wonder what's going through players' heads when they are out on the ice. Like, do they have their 'pump me up' song running on repeat in their mind. I wonder what they would be....what they would be...they would be..would be.

 Pavel Datsyuk-Magic Man by Heart

 Valtteri Filppula-Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake

 Nik Kronwall-Crush Em by Megadeth

 Darren Helm-Flight of the Bumblebee by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov

 Jiri Hudler-Pimpin' Ain't Easy by Big Daddy Kane

 Johan Franzen-Everyday I'm Shufflin' by LMFAO

 Brad Stuart-Unfortunately it's California (O.C. theme song) by Phantom Planet

 Justin Abdelkader-Abra Kadabra by The Steve Miller Band

 Tomas Holmstom-Obviously it's Demolition Man by The Police

 Jonathan Ericsson-Oscar Mayer Weiner Theme Song by The Oscar Mayer Kids Choir

 Nick Lidstrom-The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived by Weezer

 Todd Bertuzzi-Movement I O Fortuna from Carmina Burana

 Henrik Zetterberg-Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top

 Drew Miller-Time To Get Ill by The Beastie Boys

 Dan Cleary-Der, it's Come in Cleary by Greely's Reel

 Now when you watch the next game, these songs will run through your heads as well as theirs every time they touch the puck.

 Now before I leave, I have one request of Mike Ilitch. Dear Mr. Ilitch, I think it would behoove you to get in touch with George Lucas. If you pay close attention to the Star Wars movies (and why shouldn't you?) they have this invention called a bacta tank that rapidly heals injuries. I know what you are saying, "that's from a movie, it's just fantasy". True, but if you don't believe for a moment that George does not have real working replicas of his movie inventions at his compound, then I understand how Ericsson got his contract. Thank you for your time, sincerely, Scrappy Octopus.

 That's it. I'm out. It's time to lock myself in the bathroom with a boom box so I can peacefully lip sync with into a hairbrush to Sexy Back. Let's Go Wings

17 February 2012

Winner Winner, 22 Chicken Dinners

Never in my life have I seen so many homoerotic tweets involving another man. After Datsyuk scored that goal with a handful of seconds left on the clock, my twitter feed erupted with hundreds of dudes talking about how they just jizzed in their pants. I pooped mine, so the clean up is way worse. What a game ending play by the big three. I don't even think you could recreate that on a video game even if you played eight hours a day for the next decade.

Joey_______Mac played outstanding again, even bailing himself out after an ill advised clear up the middle. He has more than earned his spot on this team. I left a blank space for a nickname. You will find out more about that later on. Sorry Conks, but you can pick up you plumber's apprentice application at the front desk on the way out.

I think it has been over a year now since either of the Scrappy originators have posted here. So to trick Brian and Natalie into sort of posting, I pretended to be a high school student with a sports reporting assignment for my English class. I submitted a series of questions that they needed to answer or my teacher would beat me senseless. They both agreed. In fact, Brian was very eager to help, going so far as to offer to do the interview face to face while we shared the Mike's Hard Lemonade he said he would bring.

So here it is. The glorious return of Brian and Natalie...sort of.

1. With the trade deadline looming, are there any players you are lusting for? And if you circled yes, what are you willing to offer up?

Brian-Yes. I would love Rick Nash but I don't think we have the pieces to give up. Another along those lines would be Jack Johnson; would love him, but doubt we have the pieces to get it done. I also doubt Suter gets dealt, so anyone realistic; no. I'd be willing to give up Kindl as part of a deal for a better defenseman, Ericsson as well (but in my mind, he has a trade value of "Lebda"). In all reality though I feel very good about our team as is and I doubt they make a move, and if it is, it'd be a small one (Knuble? Moen?). Mark me down as most definitely NOT on the Ales Hemsky wagon, as he is a giant wuss.

Natalie-Lusting for? Sure. In a non-screaming-bonerjamz way? Possibly. Pretty much every year, I have the same mentality when approaching the deadline: Even though there may be interesting prospects, I'm never super amped to chop up the team that's doing well in order to experiment. I liked toying with the idea of acquiring Ryan Suter, but since he's allegedly staying put, and again, I don't feel that the Wings would benefit from the moves required to snag him, I had to clock that one in the ol' spank bank, too.

Zac-I would offer up Kindl or Ericsson for a seasoned 5/6 defenceman. With the Preds picking up Gill I think everything is off the table until this summer. But quite honestly, do you really want to tinker with a team that is on top of the NHL? Maybe someone who puts the puck in the net, but I am stuck as to who would realistically be given up.

2. How many actual Ericsson's does it take to equal his contract?

Brian-This is an excellent question that I've given a lot of thought to, and i'm thinking there isn't an actual answer to it, and i'll tell you why. For every competent/impressive thing he does, he blows three assignments/turns the puck over, etc. So if you had more Ericcson's, you would only expand the bad things with not getting more good in return. TRICK QUESTION ASS BAG.

Natalie-Is this like the old "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?" commercial, meaning that some wise cartoon animal will descend from the heavens and deliver an enlightening answer? Because I could really use one. But if you're asking me for a firm number, I'd say it's somewhere between 419 and 5,221.

Zac-Yes it was a trick question. The answer is zero. My math is rock solid on this one. If you want me to show my work, fuck off, I did it all in my head.

3. Give Joey MacDonald a nickname that doesn't involve a macaroni and cheese reference.

Brian-Special Sauce. BIG MAC REFERENCE. You could say something like (after a big save) - "Oh Joey MacDonald put some special sauce on that save!"

Natalie-Joey "Thanks for saving our ass" MacDonald. Sure, it doesn't pack the same one-two punch as Beej's "Special Sauce" (nasty!) moniker, but seriously, we're fortunate we had J-Wow-Mac waiting in the wings while Ty Conklin was busy clogging up toilets with his own homegrown bullshit.

Zac-Joey "I prefer that you address me as Joseph, opposing shooter" MacDonald. Joey "Baby Kangaroo" MacDonald. Joey "How you doin'" MacDonald. Hmmm. Special Sauce it is.

4. What is your starting lineup for the alumni game? Since you have already filled one out in your head, construct a 2nd line.

Brian-Oz in goal, obviously (With Tim Cheveldae riding pine and being terrible, as he was my entire childhood). First line of Federov, Kozlov, and Larianov, with Fetisov and Chelli on D. Second line? Oh, I got your back. Draper centers Maltby and Homer (because he's done after this season). Notice who isn't there? Lidstrom. Because he is never retiring ever. Absent are Howe (doubt he plays) and Stevie (because he said he isn't playing). If they were they would obviously be high on this list.

Natalie-Homer - Draper - Downey. Come on, 2/3 of that answer was a fucking given. Because the combination of fierceness/gingeriness/hotness would equal unparalleled fabulousness both on and off the ice. It would be a real joy to see Rafalski and Cheli back in the Winged Wheel. And, of course, I have to bring Ozzie back (sry, h8rs). As far as a second line, I'm going to go ahead and flex the traditional meaning of the word "alumni" so I can bring in a line of Ville Leino - Jason Williams - Sean Avery so you ungrateful motherfuckers can go ahead and REMEMBER WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

Zac-I like those lines. I think I am going to pencil them in. But Konstantinov does the puck drop. I don't care if there are ten people helping him do it, but he has to be involved.

5. Invent an event for the Winter Classic festivus.

Brian-A $5 to punch Wendell Clark in the face booth.

Natalie-The #55 challenge: How many hot dogs can you eat in 55 minutes? Years later, the Freep will print a fluff piece citing the coincidence that many people wrote in their commemorative WC burn books, "Larry Murphy: He made out with a hot dog."

Zac-My event also involves Larry Murphy. We hire the racing wiener assortment from the Brewers. They get a five second lead before the Murph is unleashed. Place your bets as to which one Larry catches first and devours in one sitting not realizing that it's actually a dude in a foam suit.

6. Teemu Selanne. Yes or no. And why.

Brian-No. With Anaheim surging I don't think they'd trade him. I LOVED Teemu and if we could get him for next to nothing, he'd be a welcome addition. But giving up pieces for a guy who is retiring end of season? Pass. I would, however, trade Shitbox for him. Because they would be doing us a favor.

Natalie-Nah. While I have all the respect in the world for Selanne, I can't imagine Anaheim actually dealing him at this point, and I'm good with where we are.

Zac-I say nay as well. A) The Ducks wouldn't let him go to the Wings. B)And I don't want to wake up to NHL.com headlines about how new teammate got Kronwalled into a vat of icy-hot and is out 6-8 weeks with chemical burns.

7. Who do you want to face in the first round of the playoffs? Columbus is off the table, only teams that have a legitimate shot of making the playoffs.

Brian-Does Dallas have a legit shot? Because they're a special brand of terrible (but somehow competitive. I don't get it).

Natalie-If the playoffs began the second I'm writing this, we would face Los Angeles in the first round. I'm totally OK with that. Then again, if anybody in the L'Eastern Conference wanted to play wife swap with their opponent in the first round, I'd be totally OK with that, too.

Zac-I wouldn't mind Phoenix. Whoever we face is cool as long as the Wings stay up and retain home ice.

8. With the success of the shootouts this season, do you look forward to them, or do you still watch them peeking through your fingers.

Brian-I'll never ever feel good about them. Count me in the apparent minority that likes shootouts (games need finality. I know ties existed all through my childhood and I always thought they were stupid, and you can't have never ending OT in the regular season. If you wanted to end ties with a slap fight i'd be ok with that too, so long as it doesn't end in a tie). I simply remember every year in recent past when the Wings have been god awful in them, and I think now they're living in some sort of bizarro opposite world where they are doing well in them and eventually they'll fall back to earth.

Natalie-Eh, it's a mixed bag. Honestly, I'm fine with them, provided they don't go past the third or fourth round of skaters. If Pav, Bert, Huds and Hank all blank and/or fail to close, I'm shitting my pants brown.

Zac-I would much rather win in regulation, denying teams the bonus point for slightly sucking rather than outright sucking. But I do enjoy writing the "Inside the head of Todd Bertuzzi" segment.

9. One night. No rules. Which group of three Red Wings do you have a Hangover sort of night on the town with?

Brian-Ideally it would be Homer, because he'd be a real hoot. But the person most likely to have that kind of experience every night of his life is Hudler.

Natalie-Homer, Hudler and Datsyuk. Datsyuk because even if the night went downhill, he could just read the phone book in his accent and be the life of the party, without question. Homer because I'm pretty sure you can't get a DUI on a snowmobile (but don't quote me on that). And Hudler because I'm pretty sure he can tell me how which homeopathic creams are best for clearing up whatever ails me in the morning.

Zac-You fools. I give you the perfect opportunity to mysteriously "disappear" Ericsson and you waste it on debauchery? No, that's mean. Homer, Kronwall, and Cleary. Homer would be fun in any situation. I would love to hear Kronwall talk to Mike Tyson. And I have always wanted to have a beer with Cleary.

10. How are the wedding plans coming along?

Brian-We have none yet! Eloping doesn't involve planning.

Natalie-Oh, shit...is that what we're supposed to do next?

Zac-Whatever you do, do it how you want to do it and not for anyone else. It's your day and you should both feel like a princess.

Well there you go folks. Today I walked in all Verbal Kent and walked away Keyser Soze. Now sweep up that broken coffee cup.

And for number 23, Let's Go Wings

12 February 2012

No Big Whoop

So there is some kind of streak going on at the Joe, huh? You know what? I don't think I even want to talk about it. Not because I don't think it's significant, but because I don't feel like being all jinxy. I do find it pretty exciting that they are playing the Flyers, the last team to hit 20 wins at home. I care about the streak but not as much as I care about 2 points.

Joey Mac. He is more than serviceable. His playing makes me think he is saying, "Hey, I played well for you last year. Did you need to go out and find another back-up? No, I don't think so." Guess what Conks? You better get used to that plunger because you are not even trade bait right now. Watching Joey play this year makes me remember last year when we all freaked out and then he played solid for us. Now, like last year, we can focus on bitching about the power play and not the back-up goaltender situation.

The Winter Fucking Classic. Start saving your pennies people because even if anyone can get a line on tickets they are not going to be cheap. Even if nobody can get tickets, still plan on going because of Ilitch's Super Spectacular Winter Hockeytime Extravaganza of Awesome Frivolity. Sign up early for snowball fights with live snowmen. Get your tickets for scenic reindeer flights high above the city. Be first in line to Battle Ciccarelli in the Blue Paint for a stuffed animal. Note: You must sign a waiver before participating which includes but is not limited to-lost teeth, concussions, shattered kneecaps, ruptured testicles/ovaries, exploding spleens, or accidental removal of appendix. Seriously though, I know that the wheels are turning in many circles to make some fun things happen, so keep your eyes peeled.

So in my last post I crawled into Bert's head when he takes his turn in the shoot out. I think I will again, but I will also visit Hiller's pube covered noggin.

Todd-You like this Jonas? I'm going to give you a long moment to reflect upon your life up to this moment.

Jonas-What's he doing? How is it possible to move this slow? He is actually travelling backwards. I think I see the fabric of the space/time continuum tearing.

Todd-You know that scene in Star Wars where Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca are trapped in the trash compacter desperately trying to avoid their agonizingly slow impending doom? That is what this is like, only there is no R2-D2 here to save you.

Jonas-Why is he staring at me like that? I think I actually feel my soul burning away.

Todd-The puddle of urine you just laid down on the ice cannot save you. It is over Jonas, the workers are going home.

Jonas-I'm so cold, but I cannot move because my tears have frozen my mask to the ice.

I'm sorry but I think Pavel and Todd are the best one/two punch combination in the shootout. If the game does happen to go to the shootout, I pause the DVR, go pop some popcorn, then sit back and enjoy the show. What a huge difference from last year where I dreaded the shootout, just accepting that hey, at least they got a point. Mind you I would rather they blew the doors off of the competition in regulation.

Let's Go Wings

23 January 2012

Shootout At The Joe-K Corral

The Wings go for another win at the Joe tonight against the Blues. This will be a grind of a game. The Blues come in tonight sharing the lead with the NY Rangers with the stingiest goals against. It sounds like Jalak and roll will get the start tonight and he is on fire. Sir Jimmothy is having a good streak as well so this will come down to quality scoring chances. Pucks to the net and follow 'em hard, boys. Keep an eye on that butthole Backes, (is that hillbilly plural for 'backs'?) And Peetranjlo. That's how everyone says it, don't ask me, but he's a bit en fuego at the moment as well. This is a tough one, but they will keep the streak going at the Joe. And if it comes to the skills competition, I do believe the Red Wings can pay the bills.

The last couple of years you could feel a shift in the Earth's orbit as Wings Nation collectively raised their hands in frustration when it went to the shootout. It was the world's most anxiety filled six shots. It never seemed to go the good guys way. Until this year. All of the Wings shooters just seem to have a different confidence this year. I wonder what is going through their heads.....

Pavel Datsyuk-"I am Russian ninja. Is almost unfair for goalie. I should try blindfolded. I like soup. Soup. Soup is funny word. But tastes sooo good. Soooooouup. Oh, hey look I just put puck past another goalie. He looks like he got hit with stun gun."

Todd Bertuzzi-"That's right goalie. I'm coming in nice and slow, stalking the puck like a jungle cat. I like taking my time so I can savor the smell of your fear. Did you eat your Wheaties this morning? I didn't. I had a bowl of kitties marinated in tequila and clown tears and stuffed with ghost peppers. I've got loads of filthy, dirty moves. Moves that make everyone go 'DAAAAAMN' like Chris Tucker in Friday. Remember when you would be playing NHL 95 on your Sega Genesis with your asshole friend who would abuse the Spin-O-Rama move? I'm that asshole. I'm going to make the analysts at NHL Tonight say the word 'cheeky' twelve times with this move. Just close your eyes, it will be over soon. The puck is my dark passenger that I need to put in your net."

Jiri Hudler-"Woooooooooo. Hey everybody, check this shit out I'm going to....aw crap. Maybe a slap shot from the blue line wasn't such a good idea. I should just keep copying Z. Or my famous, Don'tforggedaboutdapuckbuddee, move."

Henrik Zetterberg-"I'm walking on sunshine, whooa ohhh. I'm walking on sunshine, whooa ohhh. I'm walking on sunshine, whooa ohhh. And don't it feel good."

See how much more relaxed they are. When we get more shooters, I will crawl into their heads as well.

Let's Go Wings.

07 January 2012

A Very Scrappy Announcement

Do you want the good news first, or the great news? Well, since I'm the one writing this shit, I get to decide. The good news first then. The Wings are back in action tonight against the Leafs. For some reason it seems like they haven't played in eons. So hopefully Holmstrom and Helm have been getting plenty of groin massages. Not at the same time mind you because that would be creepy. Plus it costs a lot extra if you are into that sort of thing. Let's get back to hockey talk since this was starting to head down Hudler Road, which runs right through the heart of the red light district.

This game is a chance for the Red Wings to jump on top of the Central. With the Blackhawks on a three game skid and an upcoming tilt against said team, the Wings need to grab the Central by the horns and wrassle it to the ground. January needs to be a pull-away month leaving the Blues and the Hawks slap fighting for second place.

No realignment. I'm not weighing in on this one yet. I'm just going to sit back and pray that this isn't a harbinger of doom in regards to the CBA.

Discher made a very interesting proposal to the Blue Jackets yesterday at The Production Line. http://theproductionline.us/an-open-letter-to-scott-howson-and-the-city-of-columbus/

Here is what we need to do to make this a plausible reality. Everyone start calling Ericsson by his full name. Which according to me happens to be Jonathan Loui Eriksson. Remember to spell his last name with the 'k' to solidify my ruse. When talking about him, drop the Jonathan and use Loui because I am told by people that he prefers to use his middle name. Yes, I realize you all saw where this was going by the second sentence. But keep in mind, teams took Lebda, so sometimes simple ruses are sometimes the best.

Alright then. It's time to move on to the great news. The founders of this fine establishment have made a verbal agreement to, at some point in the near future, enter into the alliance of holy matrimony. A most sincere congratulations from the MacRostie household goes out to Brian and Natalie.

I am working with my non-existent contacts to get Todd Bertuzzi to perform the ceremony. Wouldn't that be rad. I think I could persuade him to do it for a case of PBR and a basket of kittens. Somebody suggested that Juri Hudler be in charge of the bachelor party. Are you insane? If I have learned anything from Hollywood, its that a dead hooker really kills the buzz of the celebration. Plus, with all of his KHL money tied up some 900 number scheme, it would mean everyone else is paying for the blow. And Juri's motto is, "No blow, no show".

If anyone has any ceremony suggestions, just put them in the comments.

All kidding aside, I am extremely happy for you two. This is great news for a great couple.

Now Let's Go Red Wings

And a bonus Let's Go Lions