Friday fun times and good stuff.

TSO's good pal saraneuie has graced our inbox with yet another example of her fantabulous photo-taking skills. This really needs no introduction, except I feel the need to tell Krononymous and Dena to take a seat if they haven't already. It's Sara's compilation of moments from Kronwall's first game back:

(If you click on the image, it will get bigger. [That's what she said.] No, but seriously, you can have a full-screen version of Kronner. Wait. Is that the sound of screensavers being updated all across the interwebs?)

Tonight, the Wings take on the Nashville Predators in Detroit. My apologies to the number of you who expressed your love for the Jordin(?!) Tootoo whistle at the Sommet Center. Maybe this will help to ease the pain:



Really, we started "dance dance assholes" on here as a lighthearted way to anticipate upcoming games; now it's simply a sweet distraction from the pain of everyday existence: Nashville is currently in 7th place in the Conference, with 61 points to our 59. It's imperative that the Wings wrap up a win in regulation. Not only will it help us in the standings, but it'll also set a good tone for the weekend, heading into a tough game in hell at Mellon Arena on Sunday. (Can we get a head count of how many people are excited to see Mike Milbury again? Anybody? Oh, come on, don't be shy.)

And since it's Friday, we're giving them out like candy. Here's another funny:



Let's go, Wings.

Lightning @ Wings tonight.

I know I referenced this in my post the other day, but I'm a huge fan of recycling my own lame jokes in an attempt to get people to validate my existence with their attention. Gear down...

Tonight, we're playing Gonads andthe Lightning:



You're welcome, Brian.

I'm not even going to pretend--I don't give a flying fuck about this team. At all. To put it into perspective:

Things I Care the Least About in My Life
1. Fidelity issues of famous athletes

2. Corona (seriously, who DRINKS that stuff?!)

3. Anything Joe Lieberman has to say

4. Any reality show that involves dancing

5. My bad reputation

6. Taking down Christmas decorations in my workspace any time before March

7. Aliens (sorry, Brian)

8. Being able to understand tip jars while sober

9. Tampa Bay Lightning

10. Any and all programming on Headline News

So there you have it, Tampa Bay G&L. You rank right between my inability to comprehend the fine art of a really kickass drunken activity and the trainwreck that is Nancy Grace. You should feel pretty pumped about that.

Thoughts I Will Inevitably Have During the Game
1. The name "Antero Nittymaki" will make me think of sushi, and I will want some, stat. I kinda want some now, and it's 10:00 in the morning. Sigh. It's going to be a loooong day.

2. The name "Martin St. Louis" will make me wonder what I always do when I see a last name involving "St.", which is, "Does he count the 'S' in 'St.', the 'L' in 'Louis', or both letters in his initials?" I wonder what it's like to have more than three initials. One of my suitemates in my first year of college was a girl who--no joke--had three middle names and a hyphenated last name, one of which involved a "D" and an apostrophe and then the rest of the name, like "D'Angelo". So, in actuality, this girl's initials were E.C.R.E.D.A.D. Insanity.

3. Why doesn't Vincent Lecavalier play for a better team?

4. Alex Tanguay does not, does not, does not equal Alex Tangueray.

5. Mattias Ohlund has one of my current favorite names in hockey, but only because of that bombass umlaut over the "O".

6. I'm really happy we took Drew Miller off their hands.

Let's. Go. Wings.

***

Before we get to the item that's really the heart and soul of all TSO game previews, I want to give you all a reminder that if we can convince a certain someone to release a certain video that a certain me has in her possession, then we could be watching a video of someone near and dear to our hearts. Just saying.

Enjoy:

Stars @ Wings tonight, 7:30 p.m.

The Dallas Stars come to the Joe tonight for the first time this season. The team leader in points is Brad Richards, who has 20 points, including 14 assists, the same as our team leader in assists, Henrik Zetterberg. James Neal leads Dallas in goals with 11; our Homer has 9 for the season.

I feel insufficient today because I don't have any real feelings of anything toward the Dallas Stars. They're a team in the Western Conference, and I hope we beat them. I guess I could talk about Steve Ott being annoying, but I don't feel like it. Meh. Here, watch this, just for fun:



***

It was a daunting task to find a sufficient video of Dallas Stars dancing fan debauchery. I think this video was worth the hunt, and it's a perfect tie-in to the impending holiday season looming ahead of us.

Without further adieu, I give you Dancing Santa with Dallas Stars Ice Girls:

Holy shit, the quacks are coming to town.

I fucking hate the Anaheim Ducks. They'll always be behind (1a) the Chicago Blackhawks and (1b) the Pittsburgh Penguins, but in no way should they feel left out of the fray. They suck at life.









My dickweed ex-boyfriend sent me a Myspace message last year during the playoffs saying there was "no way the Wings would beat Chris Pronger the Donger" and company. Really, I have no idea what that means other than a reaffirmation of my belief that only assplugs root for this team. And rhyme a person's last name with a vernacular term for genitalia, unless the intent is to be disparaging, although that obviously wasn't the case in this example, as I'm sure said dickweed in question had a mouthful of little Prongers when he typed it. Story checks out, in any event.


Ryan Getzlaf: "Frat" Douche.


Scott Niedermayer: "Father Time/The Dad from Family Ties" Douche.


Todd Marchant: "No Eyebrows" Douche.


James Wisniewski: "Mark McGrath Called, He Wants His Circa-1997 Hairstyle Back, Ass" Douche. (P.S. I hope Homer makes you cry again.)


Mike Brown: "Oops, Sorry About That Roofie-Tini" Douche.


Ryan Carter: "I'm Really Happy Mike Brown Gave Me His Recipe for Roofie-Tinis" Douche.

The only good thing about the Anaheim Ducks is this fan:



You know how I feel about dancing fans.

Go Wings.

Basking in the afterglow; Canucks @ the Joe tonight.

Yep. Still happy. Still gloating. Still feeling fantastic. We're entitled to that, you know, after the rollercoaster that has been the opening six weeks of the 2009-10 season. Who would have thought that the end of the game would have left me with the same three words as the Toronto game, only with opposite emotion: Fuck. Me. Sideways.

I shall rate my happiness thusly: Happier than a pig in shit. Happier than a fat kid spying cake (simile courtesy of 50 Cent. I know, I know. Most horrible.). Happier than Ken Hitchcock at an all-you-can-eat KFC/Taco Bell/Entenmann's buffet. (Oh, shit. Where are my manners? Happy 1,000th game, by the way. Shithead.)

So, the afterglow doesn't last for long, particularly not today, as the Canucks venture into the Joe for the teams' second meeting this season. Kyle at Babcock's Death Stare made an excellent point in his recap of last night's game in saying that the down side to the Wings' huge victory last night is that they no longer have any excuses; they proved that depth, talent and drive are still present on the Wings' squad, so now they have to live up to the success we all know they're capable of achieving.

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret: I'm sort of a spy. I mean, I enjoy espionage, particularly when it comes to rival teams. So, I totally got my hands on some top-secret footage of the Canucks' secret weapon on the ice. With Vancouver being so injury-plagued this season, they have a little something they may unleash on the ice against us tonight. Behold:



Yep. That just happened. My apologies for the egregious misspellings, but who can resist the funny that's inherently present in a retarded-looking, clothed whale skating around haphazardly with a T-shirt gun? Not this girl.

Also, if you want to be on the lookout for Fin, you should probably keep tabs on Mason Raymond's vehicle, as I heard through the grapevine that they like to travel together:



It's a great day when I get to make yet another Mason Raymond/hillbilly joke.

Holy crap, I'm in love. (Wings @ BJs tonight.)

Sorry, Aaron Downey. I never thought I'd end our imaginary relationship this way, via blog post, but I have to move on immediately.

I've found a better prospect. If you guys don't ever read this blog again after today, I'll understand, but please, do yourself the favor of going here to watch this, single-handedly the most amazing Columbus Blue Jackets fan in the history of the cosmos. I'm unbelievably perturbed that embedded has been disabled, but I promise, it's 20 seconds of your life that you will not wish you had back. Just know that I have already called dibs on this new love of my life.

***

So, yes, the Wings take on the Blue Jackets/BJs/Blowjays tonight in Columbus. I have no solid beef with this team, except that they're in the Central Division, their coach is Ken Hitchcock, Antoine Vermette plays for them, their logo makes me suspect they stole it from the dumpster outside Disney's PR office, and they're in the state of Ohio. Hmm. Maybe I should rephrase. I have no use for this team other than Rick Nash. But at least I don't hate them.

***

The Jackets are currently 6th(!) in the Western Conference and 2nd in the Central Division, with 20 points. The Wings are in 11th place overall and 3rd place in conference, but are only three points behind at 17. Eh. Howard's starting in goal, Williams is out for approximately 8 weeks, and I'm not sure what to expect out of this game, but I'm honestly ok with that. Having no expectations is better sometimes. What I hope for is the same thing for every game, that the Wings leap out of the gate at full speed, put points on the board early, and maintain pressure for 60 minutes of play. Is that so much to ask?

In order to get pumped up for the game, I'm going to take a little stroll down memory lane and relive some of the Blue Jackets' magic over the past six months or so. Care to join me?

***

I don't think Detroit would do anything in drag racing, because they would never pass the Christmas tree test. They would be red-lighted (for a false start) every time because their wingers cheat. So we're going to cheat just like they are. (On) the power-play goal they scored, their winger went in (early); good for him. We're going to do the same thing. It'll be interesting to see who gets kicked out (of the faceoff circle) first. --the illustrious Ken Hitchcock during last year's playoffs

I don't want to just stay in the (playoff) mix. I want to go and chase Detroit (atop the Central Division). I'm tired of watching Detroit in first place. I'd like to chase them. I mean, somewhere along the line, somebody's got to make them bleed, and it might as well be us. --the illustrious Ken Hitchcock prior to the start of the current season

You know, at this point, it isn't even about what happens on the ice. Because let's be honest, if Ken Hitchcock promises to chase anything and is threatening violence, we should all get the fuck out of the way, because nobody wants to get between a man and his donuts. It's just asking for pain.



***

He just used me like pony. He was on top of me. I don't like being the pony. I want to be on top. --the incomparable Pavel Datsyuk on Antoine Vermette's piggyback antics during last year's playoffs

Here's to you, Antoine Vermette, you rascal, you:



***

The puck drops tonight at 7 p.m. Anticipate magic and mayhem, as I'm sure the H-cock has gotten his squad riled up for the organizations' first meetup since the Wings swept them last spring. Oh, and a note about the tags--despite what happens in the standings this year, I'm never changing it from "St. Lounashbus bullshit" because that's just how I roll. They will always be one gigantic clusterfuck in my mind's eye.

Latent hypocrisy due to the current standings be damned. This blog has no qualms regarding its sanctimonious behavior and takes full responsibility for its asshat projections. I guess that answers any lingering questions about the potential of a Saintly Octopus. Ha!