Take a Ride in the DC Cab

Good thing nobody listened to my, "Ahhhh, it's a trap", bullshit in my last post. The Blue Jackets are not playing good hockey and their single solitary point is like a single solitary tear trickling down Rick Nash's face. I think a Freaky Friday scenario may have happened and the spirit of Joe Thornton inhabited Nash's body, because Ricky was getting a little bit douchey last night. I liked that Hudler dropped him to the ice with a lovely single-leg takedown. See everybody, MMA training does pay off.

The power play was shitting glitter last night. And so was the Mule. And the Legolas of the NHL, Valtteri Filppula, had a nice and sneaky 4 point night. That earned him player of the night from the NHL Network. Darren Helm had another awesome non-point night. He was all over the ice last night. I think he even ran up to the DJ booth to spin in between shifts. But please Helm, no more trying to block shots with your face....because you are too beautiful to me. I wish all of the little things he did translated to fantasy points though, because he is on my team.

A bizarre highlight for me last night was when Ken was mentioning the two tickets, two drinks, two hot dogs deal, my kid, channeling his inner Murph said, "Mmmmmm. Hot dogs."

So tonight we have a battle of the last of the unbeatens. The Caps are 6-0-0 against the 5-0-0 Red Wings. This is a tough test. Alex 'Alfred E. Newman' Ovechkin is hopefully hampered by Datsyuk all night. If they play responsible hockey I think they squeak this one out over the Caps.

Or maybe Ericsson will just going around punching people. He looked like one of the big headed fight bosses from Double Dragon. Another bonus of Ericsson fighting is it means he is off the ice for 5 minutes.

Saddle up people, to the victor goes all of the fortune and glory Dr. Jones

And as always, Let's go Red Wings

I'm Done Hibernating

Sweet zombie Jeebus has this been a way too long of a fucking break. I feel like I had just started a season of NHL 95 on my Sega Genesis and one of my drunk roommates hit the reset button, making me start the pre-season all over again. It seems pretty ridiculous that the schedule makers that be thought this was a good idea. With my tin foil hat firmly in place, blocking out the evil brain waves of Gary Bettman, I'm able to theorize that this was done on purpose to overload the Wings at the end of the season. Shit, other teams have already played twice as many games.

This long stretch really fucks up my inept blogging skills. I've lost my flow. I want game action to write about. I don't want to write about an IR's recreation of Scenes From a Mall. Although I am happy to hear about your latest enjoyment of a Cinnabon purchase, or your heartbreaking dilemma of where to eat at the food court. (Yes sir, there are sooo many choices.) Except I don't know if Steak Escape counts as fine dining, even if you do have a lit candelabra and a cello serenade.

See, I'm totally writing fake shit now. Well, half fake. You can guess which half is fake.

So we finally get a game tonight, in fact we get a little back-to-back action. It's Columbus tonight, and I hope they wear their third jersey 1950's soda fountain uniforms. (Even though it's an away for them). That way, when Carter's foot starts bothering him he can don a paper hat and serve us delicious vanilla phosphates.

When I roll my 12 sided die it bolsters my hyper awareness giving me an extra +8, allowing me to sense a trap up ahead. That's what sucks about these games after a long break, they have trap written all over them. Couple that with the Blue Jackets really needing a win here, the Red Wings will have to be on their toes. Hopefully they worked on their power play on this hiatus, which seems to be the consensus amongst Wings fans as needing much improvement.

So what did @Flapjack_McZap and @jennyquarx of Clan MacRostie do this week while the Red Wings were idle. Well, we met up with a fellow Wings fan who happened to be in Madison for a few days. Especially after H2H2, we take every opportunity to catch up with a Wings fan if they are in the vicinity. Ryan, you are a gentleman and a scholar. A lover of fine beers and tasty metal riffs as well as burning a mean fret board yourself. If Ericsson does not give up a breakout pass to the opposition's wheel house for a one-timer this season, you will win his jersey. I don't know if that's a reward or punishment. Plus, we also met a cool Kings fan. Jose, you are an encyclopedia of NHL knowledge. Nice job stumping three Wings fans with some Red Wings trivia.

I will see everyone tonight, (interwebally speaking of course) in various spots, mostly the twitters and at times, the Winging It in game thread, which takes me all intermission to catch up.

Let's go Red Wings. Don't let Columbus spoil the undeats like the Niners did to the Lions.

How Do You Follow A Conkblock?

I don't know if Jimmy's performance was spurred on by Conklin's shutout from the game before, but he needed a nice game like this. Sure, there was that blast off his shoulder that went up and over, but triple zeros negated that. And there was that other dinger off of the pipe, but that's the way the bounces went for Jimmy last night.

Speaking of the no-time-left-no-goal, how long before O'Halloran starts announcing no goals in Soup Nazi fashion shouting, "NO GOAL FOR YOU."

I think Franzen is feeling pretty good, talking about his knee specifically. He's been making his old school quick cut to the net with soft hands move.

Hudler does not want to hear any more of this trade bait bullshit. Plus the fact that nobody even offered the Wings a carton of Lucky Strikes and a fully stamped Subway card for him. With his off season MMA training he looks to be raising his game from Juicy Couture to Randy Couture.

Bertuzzi's pass to Abdelkader was a beaut. Having Datsyuk skate into the offensive zone attracting 15 Canucks really helped open up the ice for Abs. And how about Abdelkader's bitch slapping of Lapierre last night? He should have thrown in a donkey punch for good measure. I liked how Sally Lapierre pretended to fight back after the refs stepped in.

Both of the penalties to Bertuzzi were very weak at best. At least he doesn't draw further attention by putting his hands in the air proclaiming innocence before the whistle is blown. He just starts jawing Yosemite Sam style at the refs on his way to the box.

I really can't say much about the power play because nothing much happens on the power play. I don't see why they are having these pp problems when a lot of their 5 on 5 play has been dominating. Like Mickey pointed out last night, they are being too cute. They keep trying to force passes into a crowd. Even if the pass connects, you are trapped in a phone booth, and not everyone is Datsyuk.

One of my favorite moments from last night is when they had a graphic up during the pregame which had the ginger twins pictures side by side with their stats below. Then Mickey says, "That's Sedin on the left". Oh really Mick. Then who's that on the right? Sedin 2.0, a weird alien clone, or a robot sent from the future to protect John Conner? Your guess would be as good as any because the jury is still out on that one.

Ericsson didn't poop on anyone's head so I guess that's a good thing. He still makes way too many bonehead plays that just make your sphincter clench. He made a couple of those last night. We will all need O-ring transplants by the end of the season.

That's all I got. It's a nice start to the season. Work out some of the bugs, especially on the power play and then keep it rollin'.

Later folks. (hahas)

One Down, 81 To Go

Last night was a very nice start for the Red Wings, well minus the third period. The third wasn't too bothersome what with the outcome, but it just shows you can't let up off of the gas and coast.

First goal was a fantastic rifle shot from the Thunderchief. It was a sweet pass from Helm that sprung Bertuzzi. The Hudler from Datsyuk goal almost made me choke on my awesome homemade chicken pot pie. Emmerton does not want to sit in the press box or go to Grand Rapids. Lidstrom's goal was totally sick. "Hello inexperienced kid, I'm just going to do this, and a little of that, and oh, watch this, whoooop....goal."

Now over at http://theproductionline.us/ Chris Hollis made a point about Holmstrom being put on the fourth line. And he is correct. Sometimes I felt that when he was on either of the top two lines, everyone had to wait for him to get into the play and then plant his butt in his office. If Babs needs to switch things up this year, I have the feeling that he is going to get Eaves paired up with Zetterberg and Filppula. Last year and this pre-season, whenever Eaves and Zetterberg were out on the ice together, it just looked like they clicked.

The third line was shittin' glitter last night.

Now they face the Grammalanche. Let's hope the boys keep it rolling and smoke those guys. If there is a team I love to see the Wings beat, it would be them. Or the Ducks, or the Hawks, or the Penguins. I would like to see Howard play a solid 60 minutes, but that means everyone has to play a solid 60. And hopefully the power play looks a bit better.

Let's go Red Wings

It Has Begun (Mortal Kombat voice)

Yay. That sums up my thoughts on the start of the new hockey season. I know, I'm super profound. I could have said, "Oh Yeaaaah", but I fear that the Kool-Aid man would come bursting through my wall. That always bugged me about those old Kool-Aid commercials. All this kid wanted was some nice liquid refreshment and now he has to explain to his parents how this giant fucking hole in their house happened to appear. Good luck trying to convince them that a giant talking beverage pitcher did it. They are more likely to think that you were breaking bad in the shed behind the house and drove the family station wagon through the living room in a meth induced rampage.

Wow. One sentence in and I already went off on a fucked up tangent. That's either not too shabby or, shit, am I out of practice.

Since we live outside of the Detroit viewing area, we had to accept the scraps fed to us by the NHL Network. The one thing that I took from the pre-season is that the kids look good. There are a lot of them that look really hungry to make the big club. And the ones who aren't there yet get to simmer with the Griffins. There is a ton of great potential in the cupboard and the call ups will make for an exciting season.

The Smith hit was unfortunate and shows his sometimes over-exuberance. He was just as passionate as a Badger. Let's just get these suspension games out of the way and move forward. I don't know about anybody else, but I was pretty pleased with the Brunnstrom try out. This could turn out to be another one of those great 'player from the scrap pile Red Wings' stories.

Way down the road and we will look back at this post and note that I said it here. Nyquist and Jurco will be the Euro-twins of the future.

The biggest story in the last week has got to be the scoop of all scoops. Somebody broke a story about a player nobody ever even heard of that has been in the Wings training camp all along. Nystrom. He doesn't even have a first name. He's like Prince or Sting. Kudos goes out to this crew and their superb fact checking skills. When this kid wins the Calder we should all pitch in and send these guys Nystrom jerseys as a reward for their diligence to the facts they put forth in the blogging and podcast community.

All right then. Let us get this shit started. In fabulous HD this year. Plus free Center Ice thanks to @jennyquarx's magical phone skills. Telemarketer types do not stand a chance against her.

And last but not least, go Red Wings.

Let's Just Roll With It

Christmas in July started and I think the Red Wings did pretty good. We got a classic piece of tech-the Commodore 64. Sure, it's not an i-pad or some android device, but this could be fun. We got our functional household gift in Ian White. It's not flashy, but it does its job. It may not have been what you wanted, but it was definitely something you needed. Our beer of the month club was extended with Miller and our favorite magazine subscription was renewed with Eaves. And then some asshole re-gifted a pair of their shitty underwear with that Ericsson deal.

Mike Commodore gets to be the Bertuzzi of this coming season. Not the Bertuzzi that we all now know and love, but the Bertuzzi that first signed on for his second stint as a Red Wing. Some of us were unsure, some of us were pissed, some of us were indifferent and took the wait and see approach. Personally, I love this signing. The Wings get a big body and someone who knows how to use it. The Red Wings also get someone who will drop the gloves, and that will alleviate the pressure from Bertuzzi who always had to be the glove dropper.

"Hey Bert. I didn't like that hit on Z. Let's send them a message and give us a spark."

"Can't Abby do that? I'm feeling like a shooter tonight."

"I know you've got the hot hand tonight, but Ab-Der-kader lost control of his stick and stabbed someone through the head."

Sure, Commodore isn't going to score a jillion points and that's cool. But now the Wings added some toughness to the back end. And I promise everyone that I will no longer use Commodore 64 unless that becomes the jersey number he chooses. Oh, and Mike, please bring back that glorious afro. The kind of afro that makes you think, "Is this guy in one of those named-after-a-place bands like Boston or Kansas?"

I know that some people were pissed after the Ian White signing, not because they didn't want Ian White, but because that meant that Brendan Smith wasn't going to have a spot with the big club. Settle down, Smith will get his chance. And seriously people, when have the Red Wings rushed anyone up? But I digress. Back to White. This move has a lot of potential. White is a defenseman used in all situations. You may look at his point totals and think, "Big whoop, we lost a bunch of points off the back end with Rafalski retiring." True, but look at the teams he played for. The Leafs and the Flames. Now it's time for Zac's fake stat corner. If you take the 10 points in 23 games with the Sharks, who are a much better team then the Leaf and Flames, and keep that production going for a whole season with a good team, you could be looking at a 40-50 point D-man. And let's face it, how consistent can you be playing for 3 teams in one season? Plus, for playing in his first playoffs he did pretty good.

Now I have a serious question for everyone. Does Jonny Ericsson have pictures of Babcock giving Holland a hand-job or something? I do not understand a) how this kid is still a Red Wing and b) how this guy commands this kind of contract. With this deal that $hitbox (trademark TPL) got, I just throw my hands in the air. Only I am waving them like I DO care. I seriously have a fantasy that Kenny has this brilliant master play regarding the fate of Ericsson that has our jaws dropping like when you first saw the ending of The Usual Suspects. We will be replaying key moments of Jonny's Red Wing career, with Holland sound bites spliced in, in black and white as well as slo-mo, to make it all dramatic and artsy. And then we will never doubt Kenny 'Kaiser Soze' Holland again.

All in all I am pretty happy with the deals the Red Wings have made. And if they want to pick up Conklin as a back up, I am cool with that too. So I say we just roll with this. This is good. As always, the Wings have some good players in the pipeline that I would be comfortable seeing getting a shot if things go that way and now there is a stash in the piggy bank if things go terribly awry. So hurry up October, I want to see this shit in action.

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention

Holy jeez. Does it seem like these playoffs are lasting forever? If Detroit were in the finals we would be heading into game three by now due to Bettman scheduling a double header right off the bat. Who am I pulling for in this series? Neither. I just can't muster up two shits for this one. Which is weird because I watch a metric butt ton of hockey during the regular season. @jennyquarx and I have Center Ice and in addition to watching every Red Wing game, we have games on all the time. Seriously, I get stoked watching an Edmonton/Minnesota matchup. So why can't I get excited for these finals? Besides the obvious being that the Wings aren't in it? I can't put my finger on it, so let's take a look at it and try to figure it out.

Boston Bruins

I guess one of the reasons why I don't care if the Bruins win the cup is because that sports market has enough championship trophies. All of their major sports franchises are always in the playoffs so who cares unless you are from the area. Another negative reason is that I don't think that its fair that Lucic gets two sticks when he's on the ice. Hold on a sec...........Sorry everyone, I have just been informed that that is not a second stick but it is actually his fucking nose. I kid. Speaking of Lucic, whenever he is on the ice you have to say La La La Lucic in the same singy way as the La La La Loopsy doll commercial. I mean, you don't have to, but it is much better if you do.

See? I am just not that emotionally invested in these Bruins. Hey Tim Thomas is from Flint. Is that really a relevant excuse to cheer for a team? Hey, all NHL players are from planet Earth and so am I, so I cheer for all the NHL teams. Plus with Kesler being 'Livonia's Son' does that mean the two Michiganders cancel each other out? I don't think people need to be digging that deep to find a reason to back a team. "I'm cheering for the Bruins because Patrice Bergeron is an accomplished falconer in the off season and I totally love birds."

I don't want to reach for a reason to root for or against a team. But on the other hand, I love hockey so I do want to be emotionally invested, especially since it is the Stanley Cup.

Vancouver Canucks

The Sedin twins. Well, you either admire their superb play where they know what the other is thinking. Or you are creeped out by a pair of alien ginger twins, where they know what the other is thinking. I guess we can go with the, "I'm gonna cheer for the Western Conference team." Which is a little bit how I'm leaning. If the Sharks had made it I wouldn't though. I almost never cheer for a team that ousted my team. I don't subscribe to the whole, "I just want to know that my team was beat by the best." Fuck that. I want the team that beat the team I cheer for to explode into a bajillion pieces. I then will sweep those said pieces up into a big pile so that I can piss on it.

I wish had that passion for this series that I have for a Red Wings/Ducks game. Seriously, stand in a room with more than three Red Wings fans during that game. You can practically feel the will power oozing from their pores. A will power that emanates from their core that screams, "Just beat these fucking douchebags." I guess I will have to cheer for exciting close games. We've got two goaltenders that can stand on their heads. There is a ton of talent out there. Both teams lines go pretty deep. They've both got diggers and hitters. They both have a creepy factor, Sedins/Chara. With game one we already got a goalie battle. Plus we learned that Alex 'the Cannibal' Burrows has a taste for the long pig. Gosh, when I put it like that, I should be watching the shit out of this series......unless it conflicts with Game of Thrones. I'm almost not kidding back there.

Well Crap, 'cause I don't golf

I'm not going to lie. That was a tough loss to take. For me it's because I really can't stand the Sharks. And a big part of that comes down to their captain. I don't think Thornton is captain material. Captains don't dive, plain and simple. Captains don't start shit just because they are a douchebag. As Red Wings fans we have been extremely spoiled for over two decades because we have had two of the best captains ever. I compare the rest of the league's captains to Steve Yzerman, and I always will. And if they are even half the captain he was, then I guess that is pretty good.

So overall, (minus winning the cup) this was a pretty good season. We have learned some things. Like one Jimmy Howard is a playoff goalie, no question. He had good win stats this year and if he gets his GA down and his SP up, then we have a Vezina goaltender on our hands.

We have learned that we will probably have to invent new words to describe Pavel Datsyuk plays. Seriously, dude pulled some sick shit out this year. I am trying to invent a word that combines Fucking awesome, Holy shit, That just blew my mindhole, and I think I just jizzed in my pants. It's not going so well because I think I dislocated my tongue. If Datsyuk didn't get injured, I'm going to say that he would have been adding a Hart trophy to the trophy case.

We have also learned that Red Wings fans are the coolest ever. H2H2 is testament to that. I wish I had the opportunity to talk to more people than I did. I wish I had clinked glasses of Ghettoblaster with more people. I wish less people puked on our floor, naw, it's okay, you got this.

Now I have seen people screaming for people's heads on the twitter. Fire this guy, trade that guy. This guy's contract is ridiculous. And this shit was happening before the handshake line. Settle down people. A little side note about the handshake line. Did you all notice that Hank leaned in and said a little something to every Shark he shook hands with? That is because he is all class.

There are some big decisions that individual players have to make about retirement. That goes a long way into figuring out the other pieces of the equation. There have been many people saying we NEED another 30 goal scorer. Really? Last time the Wings did that they picked up Hossa. How did that turn out? Sure, another scorer would be nice, but it seems that the Wings do better when they have more double digit scorers. But then again, when it comes to sports, one can always cite stats that make their argument look bulletproof.

So we all just need to relax. Me bitching about Ericsson on the interwebs is not going to change the Wings mind about what they are going to with him. Even though if you notice that anybody paired up with him looks like shit because they are doing the job of two defensemen. So when Rafalski gets to look like an ass because the Shitbox blew another assignment, by all means, call for Rafalski's head.

All you Red Wing blogs out there, keep blogging throughout the summer. How the hell else am I supposed to get my news, by watching ESPN? Not fucking likely. I like getting the real scoop with a dash of opinions and rants. You all do an awesome job and it breaks up the monotony of surfing for porn.

And lastly I really have to thank Brian and Natalie for letting me join in on these reindeer games. I am already looking forward to next season. And who am I rooting for the rest of the playoffs? Honestly, I just want the Sharks to go down. I always cheer against the team that eliminated the team I root for. So I guess I am cheering for the Yzerbolts.

Happy Mothers Day, here's a free ticket aboard the stress train.

A big ole' Word To Your Mother for all of the moms out there today. Just a quick little what's up before the game.

Hey Clowe, it's Mother's Day, not Motherfuckers Day. Just so you know, you don't have to be a motherfucker today, unlike all the rest of the days of your miserable life. You can go be a douche on your own time you whiny jagoff. A perfect place for that would of been the pressbox you instigating motherfucker. I see you started celebrating your misunderstood holiday a couple of days early. Not only with your actions at the end of the last game but also by your statements to the press. Clowe, I want you to stand in front of a mirror and answer me this. How the fuck do you fight the urge to punch yourself in your stupid-ass face? In the garden of life, you sir, are the dickweed.

Let's go Red Wings

HEY! I Said Knock it Off

The title was said in my dad voice. Even if you don't have kids, you probably remember someone using that voice on you. It has a tone and a timbre that is unique in that the receiver stops everything they are doing and snaps to attention. Now that I have your myopically focused attention, listen up. Stop this shit. Let us move forward.

First things first. The game. Yeah, that sucked. It was hard to watch. Were the Wings outplayed? Perhaps. Was their flow and inability to get some sustained pressure caused by some horseshit calls and non-calls? I believe so. Have I ever played in the NHL? No. Have I ever reffed an NHL game? No. I only have my opinion and replay which makes me kind of an expert, just like millions of others around the world. And the medium of blogging is just that. It is you, the writer, officially putting your opinion out in the world to see. Not only to see, but to comment on as well.

So second things second. People who are putting these opinions out into the world need to live by the old adage, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". And if you want to comment on these blog posts you have to be able to stand the heat as well. None of this hit and run bullshit. From both parties. There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read for whichever team you follow. Fat blogs, skinny blogs, blogs who climb on rocks. And even blogs that still think Lidstrom is Lindstrom. So if you don't like someone's opinion on a consistent basis, don't go and fucking read it. Doi.

Thirdly. The twitter. Yes, all of this shit will eventually get to the twitter. Which quite honestly, because of the 140 character limit, is kind of the perfect place to argue. It's hard to write your soliloquy of doom in such a short space. Oh, and threatening to unfollow someone on twitter is some passive aggressive bullshit. Unfollow or don't. Don't talk about it for three days. And tweeting about how many people you unfollowed is wishy-washy. Who cares. If you are following other fanbases, especially during the playoffs, things are bound to get heated. But seriously, you should know that going in.

Here is an example. Yesterday I wrote that Douglas Murray was as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Somebody on twitter called me out on my mistake. He said Murray is UGLIER THAN a jar of smashed assholes. He would be right and I was wrong and I thank you for pointing out my egregious error. And I also apologize to jars of smashed assholes everywhere for even thinking of comparing the horrendous visage of Douglas Murray to you.

So in summation: Sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree. Fuck the stupid-head Sharks. Let's go Red Wings. You know what kind of calls and douchebaggery this series will bring so you boys need to play accordingly.