The Scrappy Octopus

No Big Whoop

2012-02-12T11:31:00.002-05:00

So there is some kind of streak going on at the Joe, huh? You know what? I don't think I even want to talk about it. Not because I don't think it's significant, but because I don't feel like being all jinxy. I do find it pretty exciting that they are playing the Flyers, the last team to hit 20 wins at home. I care about the streak but not as much as I care about 2 points.

Joey Mac. He is more than serviceable. His playing makes me think he is saying, "Hey, I played well for you last year. Did you need to go out and find another back-up? No, I don't think so." Guess what Conks? You better get used to that plunger because you are not even trade bait right now. Watching Joey play this year makes me remember last year when we all freaked out and then he played solid for us. Now, like last year, we can focus on bitching about the power play and not the back-up goaltender situation.

The Winter Fucking Classic. Start saving your pennies people because even if anyone can get a line on tickets they are not going to be cheap. Even if nobody can get tickets, still plan on going because of Ilitch's Super Spectacular Winter Hockeytime Extravaganza of Awesome Frivolity. Sign up early for snowball fights with live snowmen. Get your tickets for scenic reindeer flights high above the city. Be first in line to Battle Ciccarelli in the Blue Paint for a stuffed animal. Note: You must sign a waiver before participating which includes but is not limited to-lost teeth, concussions, shattered kneecaps, ruptured testicles/ovaries, exploding spleens, or accidental removal of appendix. Seriously though, I know that the wheels are turning in many circles to make some fun things happen, so keep your eyes peeled.

So in my last post I crawled into Bert's head when he takes his turn in the shoot out. I think I will again, but I will also visit Hiller's pube covered noggin.

Todd-You like this Jonas? I'm going to give you a long moment to reflect upon your life up to this moment.

Jonas-What's he doing? How is it possible to move this slow? He is actually travelling backwards. I think I see the fabric of the space/time continuum tearing.

Todd-You know that scene in Star Wars where Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewbacca are trapped in the trash compacter desperately trying to avoid their agonizingly slow impending doom? That is what this is like, only there is no R2-D2 here to save you.

Jonas-Why is he staring at me like that? I think I actually feel my soul burning away.

Todd-The puddle of urine you just laid down on the ice cannot save you. It is over Jonas, the workers are going home.

Jonas-I'm so cold, but I cannot move because my tears have frozen my mask to the ice.

I'm sorry but I think Pavel and Todd are the best one/two punch combination in the shootout. If the game does happen to go to the shootout, I pause the DVR, go pop some popcorn, then sit back and enjoy the show. What a huge difference from last year where I dreaded the shootout, just accepting that hey, at least they got a point. Mind you I would rather they blew the doors off of the competition in regulation.

Let's Go Wings

Shootout At The Joe-K Corral

2012-01-23T14:21:00.003-05:00

The Wings go for another win at the Joe tonight against the Blues. This will be a grind of a game. The Blues come in tonight sharing the lead with the NY Rangers with the stingiest goals against. It sounds like Jalak and roll will get the start tonight and he is on fire. Sir Jimmothy is having a good streak as well so this will come down to quality scoring chances. Pucks to the net and follow 'em hard, boys. Keep an eye on that butthole Backes, (is that hillbilly plural for 'backs'?) And Peetranjlo. That's how everyone says it, don't ask me, but he's a bit en fuego at the moment as well. This is a tough one, but they will keep the streak going at the Joe. And if it comes to the skills competition, I do believe the Red Wings can pay the bills.

The last couple of years you could feel a shift in the Earth's orbit as Wings Nation collectively raised their hands in frustration when it went to the shootout. It was the world's most anxiety filled six shots. It never seemed to go the good guys way. Until this year. All of the Wings shooters just seem to have a different confidence this year. I wonder what is going through their heads.....

Pavel Datsyuk-"I am Russian ninja. Is almost unfair for goalie. I should try blindfolded. I like soup. Soup. Soup is funny word. But tastes sooo good. Soooooouup. Oh, hey look I just put puck past another goalie. He looks like he got hit with stun gun."

Todd Bertuzzi-"That's right goalie. I'm coming in nice and slow, stalking the puck like a jungle cat. I like taking my time so I can savor the smell of your fear. Did you eat your Wheaties this morning? I didn't. I had a bowl of kitties marinated in tequila and clown tears and stuffed with ghost peppers. I've got loads of filthy, dirty moves. Moves that make everyone go 'DAAAAAMN' like Chris Tucker in Friday. Remember when you would be playing NHL 95 on your Sega Genesis with your asshole friend who would abuse the Spin-O-Rama move? I'm that asshole. I'm going to make the analysts at NHL Tonight say the word 'cheeky' twelve times with this move. Just close your eyes, it will be over soon. The puck is my dark passenger that I need to put in your net."

Jiri Hudler-"Woooooooooo. Hey everybody, check this shit out I'm going to....aw crap. Maybe a slap shot from the blue line wasn't such a good idea. I should just keep copying Z. Or my famous, Don'tforggedaboutdapuckbuddee, move."

Henrik Zetterberg-"I'm walking on sunshine, whooa ohhh. I'm walking on sunshine, whooa ohhh. I'm walking on sunshine, whooa ohhh. And don't it feel good."

See how much more relaxed they are. When we get more shooters, I will crawl into their heads as well.

Let's Go Wings.

A Very Scrappy Announcement

2012-01-07T11:30:00.002-05:00

Do you want the good news first, or the great news? Well, since I'm the one writing this shit, I get to decide. The good news first then. The Wings are back in action tonight against the Leafs. For some reason it seems like they haven't played in eons. So hopefully Holmstrom and Helm have been getting plenty of groin massages. Not at the same time mind you because that would be creepy. Plus it costs a lot extra if you are into that sort of thing. Let's get back to hockey talk since this was starting to head down Hudler Road, which runs right through the heart of the red light district.

This game is a chance for the Red Wings to jump on top of the Central. With the Blackhawks on a three game skid and an upcoming tilt against said team, the Wings need to grab the Central by the horns and wrassle it to the ground. January needs to be a pull-away month leaving the Blues and the Hawks slap fighting for second place.

No realignment. I'm not weighing in on this one yet. I'm just going to sit back and pray that this isn't a harbinger of doom in regards to the CBA.

Discher made a very interesting proposal to the Blue Jackets yesterday at The Production Line. http://theproductionline.us/an-open-letter-to-scott-howson-and-the-city-of-columbus/

Here is what we need to do to make this a plausible reality. Everyone start calling Ericsson by his full name. Which according to me happens to be Jonathan Loui Eriksson. Remember to spell his last name with the 'k' to solidify my ruse. When talking about him, drop the Jonathan and use Loui because I am told by people that he prefers to use his middle name. Yes, I realize you all saw where this was going by the second sentence. But keep in mind, teams took Lebda, so sometimes simple ruses are sometimes the best.

Alright then. It's time to move on to the great news. The founders of this fine establishment have made a verbal agreement to, at some point in the near future, enter into the alliance of holy matrimony. A most sincere congratulations from the MacRostie household goes out to Brian and Natalie.

I am working with my non-existent contacts to get Todd Bertuzzi to perform the ceremony. Wouldn't that be rad. I think I could persuade him to do it for a case of PBR and a basket of kittens. Somebody suggested that Juri Hudler be in charge of the bachelor party. Are you insane? If I have learned anything from Hollywood, its that a dead hooker really kills the buzz of the celebration. Plus, with all of his KHL money tied up some 900 number scheme, it would mean everyone else is paying for the blow. And Juri's motto is, "No blow, no show".

If anyone has any ceremony suggestions, just put them in the comments.

All kidding aside, I am extremely happy for you two. This is great news for a great couple.

Now Let's Go Red Wings

And a bonus Let's Go Lions

I'm Not Making Any Promises

2012-01-01T12:30:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know. "Where the fuck have you been Zac?" I missed a couple of games here and there. Especially whenever there is a West Coast swing. I'm not saying I don't want to watch those games, and I'm not going all Sally saying they are just too late. It's that I get up at 2:00 am to go to work. It is impossible for me to watch those games. I do usually get to see them the next day if they are rerun on the NHL Network. We missed most of the Chicago game because we were out with friends for my birthday. We saw the third period and it looked like that summed up the game with the way the calls were going. To quote Mick, "But hey, a refs a ref".

We saw most of last night's game, and it was glorious. Another shutout for Sir Jimmy Howard VonStoppinpucks. Most people don't know that that was his family's original name from the old country. Jimmy is playing uber confident right now. I only wish he had the kind of stats that Maple Leafs goaltender James Reimer is putting up. Wait. What's that you say? What the fuck? According to the stats page over at NHL.com, Reimer is beyond 30th in all of the big goaltending categories. Those stats would be decent in a 1500 team league. Good thing he is on the All-Star ballot. It's right up there with Crosby's 8 games played. Sorry NHL, but you are really doing this shit all wrong. I know people say that they don't care about the All-Star game, but I do. I believe players should be recognized and rewarded for THE SEASON THEY ARE HAVING THIS YEAR. Get rid of putting people on the ballot based on reputation. And for god's sake quit letting us dopey fans vote. We are all retarded homers. Maybe next year we can vote on class clown, most likely to succeed, best dressed, and cutest couple. We all know that Keith and Seabrook run away with that last category. And I'm pretty sure that nobody can dethrone Lundqvist as best dressed. 24/7 is showing off his skills in dapperness.

You know what I would like to see? No, not world peace. That dream is a moot point considering that the world is supposed to end next December. Don't worry, I've already hired John Cusack and a limo to save me and my family. What I would really like to see is the disappearance of these fucking ridiculous reputation calls against Todd Bertuzzi. And yes, I am an expert because I have those one things, what do you call them...oh yes, fucking eyeballs. I have said it before, he gets at least one a game. These bullshit calls that magically seem to happen when the opposing team is down or the Red Wings are surging. Okay, I will take off my tinfoil hat now, but I will be damned if I am taking off my tinfoil underwear.

I am really enjoying the play of Zetterberg right now. I know that I was a little down on him a few posts ago, but he has been really strong on the puck. And if he had a goal for every time he hit a post these last couple of weeks, he would have a bucket full of goals. These shots will start going in. It was also nice to see Mr. Streaky score last night with a good ole fashioned Mule move to the net goal. Maybe this will be the start of one of Franzen's good streaks. So feed the Mule boys. Or according to Doc Emrick, feed the Moose. Just driiiiiiiive to your local pet food store and pick up some moose pellets.

Hey, who else wanted to go to Detroit and pick up one of those Special Edition Red Wing Ram 1500 Express trucks? Me too, only I have seemed to misplace that extra $36,000 I had laying around for just such an event. I would even take the one from the commercials with all of Franzen's puck dents. Maybe I would get a $35,500 discount, you know, kind of like hail damage.

I like that some of these Griffins are getting some big club playing time, but it will sure be nice when the Wings get some of the guys back from injuries. A whole line of rookies is just sometimes there. It is better when one of these guys gets inserted into a line of vets. But the experience gained just bolsters the depth.

Now as to the title of this post. I really am not going to make any promises. I am not going to make a ridiculous New Year's resolution stating that I will post before and after every game. I am not going to promise that I can coerce either Natalie or Brian to write here this season, we can only keep our fingers crossed. I can only promise that I will probably be just as inconsistent as the previous months. You will get the same shit from me, posts liberally sprinkled with various forms of the word 'fuck'.

I hope all of you in Red Wings Nation had a glorious holiday season. Here is hoping that the new year brings another Cup back to Detroit. We will also see if I can detox off of all the ham I have eaten this last week.

And as Always, Let's Go Wings

I Broke Out the Canned Air

2011-12-17T10:01:00.002-05:00

'Sup Folks. Hahas. It has been awhile. So between work, holiday doings, a bunch of December birthdays, naps, and tweeting about meals, I have totally neglected the ancient holiday tradition of blogging. We also had Jen starting a new job and the neighbor kid eating all of our food. Seriously, this tyke packs it away. I wonder if pet food stores sell tape worm food, either that or I buy stock in Cheez-its. How about those new Colby Cheez-its? They are fucking great.

Wait a minute, why am I here? Oh yes, Red Wing hockey. Since I last wrote at this fine establishment the Wings were doing pretty good. Scoring goals, Jimmy looking not at all like an All-Star, shutting other teams down. Then they came up on the Predators who were doing just as well. It was a battle of a couple of 3 game winning streak teams. And even though the Preds came out on top, the Red Wings played very well. Hank and Pavel both had missed opportunities, but sometimes that's the way the puck bounces. And speaking of bounces, that Weber goal was about as mental as you are ever going to see. Watching that slow-mo was like watching that scene in JFK where they were watching the Zapruder film in slow-mo. "Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left." I really don't think any of Jimmy's goals were all that weak. The Preds just happened to be in perfect position for the rebound after Jimmy made a great save.

Unfortunately the mistakes the Wings did make in this game cost them. That would be them having a chance to get the puck out of their end and failing to do so. That allowed the Predators to cycle while preventing a Wings line change. I saw people on the twitter saying that game was a horrible choke. I must have been watching a different game. The Predators played them tight all night and were really laying the body on the Wings. Sure, the Wings controlled the puck a ton in their end and had some good cycles, but it's not like the Preds were playing like shit.

Aside from the suckitude of a Wings loss, it seems that the close Wings games have been really exciting games to watch. But I will take a boring blow out over a close nail biter any day. Especially with the points in the West tightening up. I would rather enjoy my adult beverage of choice leisurely rather than slamming shots of flaming Everclear to calm my nerves.

Tonight the Kings come to the Joe. This is a Kings team with a broken crown. They have all kinds of shit going on. Firing the coach, tied with the Mighty Islanders for last with 67 goals for this season. I never like to say, "This should be a win for the Wings", but this one should. The Kings are in disarray and playing a team like the Red Wings is not a good place to try to put the wheels back on the track. I'm just glad they are playing on the ice at the Joe and not like the ice they played on at their last game. Which had about the same consistency as a fucking hard packed Slushee.

I know the countdown is on for Christmas and that's all well and good, but my countdown is on for my free motherfuckin' ham from work. I also have a couple of projects to finish up, (I have not forgotten you Ann, a series of events has delayed this project but is back on track now). I also found something I started a long time ago that, when finished, I will probably give it away here at Scrappy Octopus. Just don't hold your breath, it will be done when it's done and I have other art obligations to tend to before I can even think about that.

Let's Go Red Wings

And Ham on Ham Eaters

Don't Say That Out Loud

2011-11-26T11:47:00.002-05:00

There are some things, as a Wings fan, that you do not want to say out loud. Hank didn't look very good in yesterday's game. Yes, he had that beautiful backhand pass to Flip for that goal, but there were times where it didn't look like he could do what he wanted to do. With his history of back problems I have to ask, "how hurt is Zetterberg?" I really don't think that this is a case of a player slumping or trying to get himself going. He just doesn't look sharp, especially when he is twisting or turning. Does he need to sit? Not as a message, but to have his injury evaluated. I know that people will say, "if he was injured he wouldn't or shouldn't be playing". Yeah, well sometimes it's not as simple as that, especially with a back injury. Some days you feel great. Some days it feels as if a railroad spike is driven into your spine. And sometimes treatment or surgery doesn't do a whole lot. So if he is feeling at around 80%, maybe he needs a more Homeresque like schedule. Of course this is all speculation on my part. Maybe he is slumping a bit, but watching the way he is moving out there, something is a little off.

Now here is something I will say out loud without any hesitation. Fuck Jonny Ericsson. He still makes all of the same old mistakes. I will say that he looks a tiny bit better than last year, but not by much. When he is a non-entity in games, I guess it means he had a decent game. The one thing that I noticed that has gotten worse is his speed. It bugs the shit out of me when he goes gliding to the puck like a fucking glacier. Hey doucheface, you're supposed to be hustling to the puck to negate the other teams' forecheck, not carving out the Great Lakes. And why is it that one out of ten checks is decent? His checks look like he's that one single guy that goes to a club by himself to grind on chicks. His body checks are so Night at the Roxbury. I wonder if the rest of the team wants to give him a Full Metal Jacket 'blanket party'? I know I do. That being said, the penalty against him battling for the puck was weak and that goal where we all shouted, "And there's Shitbox", was caused by Jimmy's noodle-armed pass.

Datsyuk and Bertuzzi are looking really good lately. Seriously, Datsyuk has been downright magic-dirty. If you lowered him by his feet from the scoreboard while being handcuffed and strapped into a straight-jacket into a tank of water, he would still score within 30 seconds. And the Thunderchief is playing a lot smarter out there, and I love it when he is in the shootout. When he scores on a nasty move it allows me to stand up and shout, "KNEEL BEFORE TODD SON OF JOR-EL". It just seems that he really gets how Datsyuk plays and that's why he plays well on that line. I know people will argue that playing with Datsyuk makes everyone look better, but I don't think that is it. I think Bert being on that line allows Pavel to do different things, to really let his creativity flow.

Aside from Howard's 90 year old lady pass resulting in the goal, I like his play this season. He just seems more poised and confident this year. Challenging shooters. And like the twitterverse says, "He's got the Jimmy Hands".

So tonight is To Catch A Predator Night at the Joe with buy one get one free Mike's Hard Lemonade. The Preds are on a little slide, and let us hope that that continues. This is the first meeting between the two. The Wings need to start this first of six match-ups on a good foot seeing as the Predators took 4 of 6 last year. The Predators top defensive pairing of Weber and Suter are in the top ten of +/-, and that's with them usually going against an opponents top line. The Predators give up over 30 shots a game which is nice seeing as the Wings take more than 30 a game. Look for the good guys to pour the shots on.

Well, let's hope that Zetterberg proves me wrong, making me look like an inept blogger. Jimmy will need to be strong in net. On a side note, isn't it fitting that Conklin has been demoted to latrine duty in the Wings make you feel at home commercial.

Alright, I'm outta here. Lets Go Wings.

Skate Off That Turkey Bloat

2011-11-25T10:19:00.002-05:00

First I have to apologize to my three readers for not posting in awhile. Due to a combination of sick kid, work, and general laziness, farting around on the interwebs wasn't a high priority. That being said, I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. Our Thanksgiving festivities were very good, despite me cooking for a house full of Packer fans. And even though the Lions lost, I didn't sabotage the meal. That's why today's headlines are full of morons pepper spraying each other for buy one get one free Crocs and not "Southern Wisconsin family suffering from volcanic diarrhea".

With these last two wins by the Wings, the standings look a lot different than a couple of weeks ago. They are on the better side of the goals for/goals against ratio with a +12. They still take the most shots in the League and their shots against are among the lowest, usually in the one or two spot. These may seem like dork stats, but in the long run they usually turn out favorable for a team. Some of the teams that are on top of the league may be scoring butt tons of goals, but they are also giving up too many.

Now today the Wings go into Boston to face the red hot Bruins. The Bruins come into this game riding a 10 game win streak, scoring a shitload of goals while doing it. This is a good test for the Red Wings, to see if they can shut down a high-powered offense while still getting shots to the net. All four lines will have to work hard because Boston runs deep in their line-up. Not only will getting shots on important, but the quality of those shots will count when you are facing Tim Thomas.

So what is going to be the deciding factor in this game? It will be the anti Ken/Mick jinx. During the pre-game or first five minutes of the game, one of them will mention some kind of streak or milestone that is like the Sword of Damocles hanging over the game. How many times have we heard, "So and so hasn't scored a goal against the Wings in X amount of time", only to have that player have a 4 point night? Even though this is a NBC game, in my head, I can hear Ken or Mick really talking up Boston's win streak. And that is what cuts the horse's hair.

Could I be any more obtuse in coming up with a deciding factor? At least I didn't consult with the psychic octopus that picks soccer matches.

No, Jimmy will have to be extra sharp. The back check will have to help out the defense. And they need to crash the net making life for Thomas difficult while piling up the shots. How do you like that? I basically just said what every coach has said since the dawn of time. Oops, I forgot, "we just need to stick to the basics and keep the puck in their end".

Well, I gotta go and see if I can get pepper sprayed while battling some tard for a $10 dollar crock-pot Thunderdome style.

Lets Go Wings

Top Jimmy Cooks. Top Jimmy Swings

2011-11-12T11:24:00.003-05:00

He's got the looks, he's the king. The one thing that always bugged me about Howard's play the last two years was his lack of shutouts. I know it's a little arbitrary because a win is a win. But I always felt that the shutout was a nice way for the goalie to give a little extra fuck you to the opposing team. Jimmy has three on the season now, which is tied for first in the league. That gives him eight for his career. I like this. I like how he is playing this year. It shows that if you give a goalie goal support and strong forechecking and backchecking, things will go their way more often than not.

Kudos to the Wings for giving Khabibulin his first regulation loss and getting his goals against above 1. It's nice to see them figuring these goalies out on this win streak. During the slide it's not like they weren't getting pucks to the net, but the amount of quality pucks to the net. I always felt for some reason that opposing goalies always played way up against the Wings. Like they used some magical video game power-up before the game. I like the shots they are taking. But Datsyuk, please, need more shoot. I would be very interested to know what Kronwall's blast clocked in at, 'cause that thing left vapor trails. Any guesses? For sure +100mph.

So now the Wings finish out this home stand against the Stars who have been clicking. What kind of team shows up after dropping one to the Pens last night? This will be a battle between the haves and the have Otts. And if you have Ott, then I don't like you because he is a douche. There is good balance on this Stars team. They have a good defensive core and some good young guns up front. When you look at their roster, there are a couple of players where you go, "Aw shit, I forgot they picked up THAT guy". Plus there is Lehtonen who leads the league in wins. Hopefully tonight he is Kari Lehtsomein.

When the Wings are playing their game, other teams don't frighten me. I think they are the best 5 on 5 team out there. On a side note. I have always been pro Bertuzzi. He gave the team a lift when they needed it. But having him out ill has been a nice break for the Wings since you can subtract about 3 penalties a game. One reputation penalty. One dumb retaliation penalty. And one 'What the Fuck, Todd' penalty. When he comes back and does something like that, I think he will be the odd man out and taking some healthy scratches.

Hey Dallas, welcome to the Real D. Let's Go Wings.

Protect Yer Berries

2011-11-11T15:56:00.002-05:00

So the source of all of my news, twitter, informs me that Zetterberg is suffering from a "middle body injury". I do not know what this means. This sounds like when you rent a porn pay-per-view and you get a three hour block, but you took care of business before the opening credits were done rolling. Now you spend the next three hours making sure that you are making the most of the rental fee. Inevitably you cause yourself a "middle body injury". Or, like someone suggested, volcanic diarrhea. Who knows with these injury reports these days. It's a page out of the Belichick school of disinformation.

For the last two games at the MacRostie Clan household you could feel the hum of will power as we collectively concentrated our mind beams through the television to have pucks magically fly into the net for the Wings. Well, that didn't really happen. The Red Wings played well enough on their own without the help of my neurotic superstitions. As a fan, when I listened real hard during that first game, I could hear a collective sigh from Red Wings Nation as the goals started piling up.

Watching these games I noticed something that will not come as a shock to anyone-Ericsson is really fucking slow. There are so many times where he just quits skating and glides to the puck. Which in turn causes a turnover or errant pass from him. Or you have him taking a penalty. Although that weak-ass hooking call that led to the bulldozing Landeskog goal. That's a weird name. You have been banished to the Land of Skog. I think the Landeskog is the natural enemy of the Sleestak. Long story short, Ericsson is not worth 3 jillion a season. More like minimum wage plus tips. But then he would forget to claim his tips and the IRS would be all over his ass. And you don't want to know what he does for tips.

Tonight the Oilers are in rollin' into the Joe. There is a lot of youth on this team. Which in turn leads to inexperience, which leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to the dark side. The way the Wings played against the Avs shows they know how to play against these youthful, speedy teams. Their puck possession is a start to a good game plan. So is not getting caught flat footed. The big thing will be getting pucks past The Bulin Wall who has been playing Beyond Thunderdome so far this year. Jimmy has not been too shabby himself though, bettering himself in most categories so far this young season. The two teams have about an 18% success rate on the PP, but the power play isn't much of an advantage against the Oilers, whose PK has been stellar at just under 87%.

So they will going up against the number one draft picks for about the last decade, Ryan-Nugent-Hopkins-Alliwishous-Esquire-the III. What up with all of these hyphenated names lately? Isn't nugent the stuff they put in candy bars? Now with 50% more nugent. Yes, I realize that it is actually nougat you asswipes. Shame on you for trying to piss on my fun.

Let's Go Wings

Well Goody Gum Drops For You

2011-11-05T13:21:00.002-04:00

I kind of knew this was coming. I have been fartin' around on the interwebs reading various Wings blogs just to see what everybody else was posting as their pre-game. And over at A2Y I saw it. Two perfect examples of what I was looking for.

1. Trolls reveling in this little slide by the Wings. I never understood trolls. The biggest thing I don't understand about them is them basing their whole hockey identity on hating the Red Wings. Oh I understand your jealousy, really I do. But for you to think that I give one giant steaming pile of shit about your taunts written from your sister's basement while you furiously masturbate over where the Red Wings are in the standings, well, you have got another thing coming. Quit trying to match wits with some of the best in the business. Your arguments always break down due to you using half-assed research, invalid stats, and the most egregious of all offenses-your boring ass tired cliches. Seriously? These are the weapons you arm yourself with before going into battle. Just shut your stupid ass face, wait for the Proactiv to kick in, and find yourself a life you fucking turds.

2. Fans of suck-ass teams trying to console us. Welcoming us to sup at their buffet of suck. Fuck off. We are Wings fans. Pardon my arrogance, but even with this losing streak, the Red Wings are nothing like your team. The last twenty years is proof to that. Here's my stat laden argument-The Red Wings are awesome, so suck on that shithead. Sorry if we decline to join your brotherhood of losers, but we just don't roll like that.

To everyone saying that the wheels are falling off of this franchise, are you fucking retarded? I have been hearing this for the past decade. This is a talent laden team that just needs a few tweaks here and there. Enough with the age thing. The team has gotten younger with the off-season's retirements. And don't tell me you wouldn't trade your top two defensemen, plus the agreement to become a eunuch for Lidstrom. Yeah you would, you liar.

Geez, lately the first half of my posts have become reactionary to the happenings on the internet. So I guess we talk about tonight's game. Eww, the Ducks. If there was ever a team to turn things around with a massive beatdown, it would be them. I am not afraid of Hiller's Darth Vader mask. Remember in Return of the Jedi at the end of the movie when Luke helps Vader take off the mask and underneath his head just looked like a chewed on eraser? Yeah. Under Hiller's mask is just a mealy-mouthed pig-nosed turd with a femmy page boy haircut. Nobody ever liked Prince Valiant or his stupid hair. He should cut his hair and donate it to Getzlaf even though he only deserves a wig of pubes.

Whew. My dander is up and I am full of vitriol today. I guess it's due to all of the assclowns shooting off their mouths. Don't get all butthurt when we shoot back. For our aim is deadly and our ammo plenty.

Let's Go Wings

Blame It On The Rain or Remember When Ashley Simpson Lip-Synced on SNL

2011-11-01T15:53:00.003-04:00

There was a virtual shit storm on the twitters yesterday, that is still overflowing today. Keep in mind that the offending party has done this in the past. Joe Burkel who ran RedWingsGuy.com, (don't bother going there, it doesn't exist anymore) stole an article for the last time. He cut and pasted the Bill Roose article of Nyquist's call-up and called it his own. This was not a mistake. It was blatant plagiarism. Roose called him out on it publicly on twitter and was supported by many in the blogging community, myself included. Burkel appears to be non-existent, taking down the offending site and nuking his twitter account. Do not feel bad for him for he did this to himself. Whether he took the site down of his own volition or was prompted by the RW legal department is of no consequence for both scenarios would be the actions of a guilty man. He knew what he did was wrong.

There were two great pieces written about bloggers and mainstream media dealing with plagiarism. One from J.J. over here at Winging it in Motown http://www.wingingitinmotown.com/2011/10/31/2528498/policing-our-own-bloggers-msm-in-the-new-media

And the other by Nick at http://nickonsportsblog.com/

Give these both a read.

Anybody defending Burkel has now become suspect in my book, especially if they are a blogger. As I have mentioned before, this isn't the first time he has pulled this stunt. I saw someone tweet that this is a sad day in the RW community. No it's not. Not everyone needs to be a blogger. And when you take away the plagiarism all you were left with were articles with misspelled players names, incorrect stats and a podcast that was like freight train of knitting needles driven straight into your eardrum. It's okay to just be a fan.

I do this for fun. I like interacting with other Wings fans. Some take it very seriously. But the actions of Burkel put us all in jeopardy.

Shit. There's a game tonight, right? Well then, here's hoping that the Red Wings pull the chute on this free-fall. Look at all of this shit you caused Nyquist. You better score a hat trick. I'm only yanking your chain kid, think of yourself as a catalyst for a better tomorrow. There. No pressure. It's time to get two points tonight. It's time to climb the ladder vanquishing foes along the way. It's time to show the Minnesota Mild who you really are. I've got beer and whiskey and I'm ready to go. Are you?

Let's go Wings

Hopefully It's Nyquist and Not Nyquil

2011-10-31T14:55:00.002-04:00

So the Wings call up Nyquist. Is this the shot in the arm the team needs? Hopefully. People are wondering who is going to sit. I say sit someone who isn't scoring goals. All kidding aside, I see him fitting nicely on the 4th line. The instability there will probably be around for a while until something clicks. But seriously, someone needs to start scoring. I'm talking a nice fat 10 game point streak, because 1 goal a game isn't going to cut it. Being a bunch of defensive minded forwards is all well and good, but that's only if you are keeping the other team off of the board. Biscuit in the mother fucking basket please.

Will a fatter walleted Kronwall be a happier, scoring, body smashing machine? Again, hopefully. It would be nice to see more points coming in from the back end. And sir Ian White, time to clean your shit up. Figure out how you fit in this system before trying to do too much on a play and leaving the team out to dry. I don't know if the defense is overreacting to the low score output and are pinching when they shouldn't be, but it seems that there are a lot more odd man rushes or outright breakaways so far this year. So by all means pinch, but pinch smart.

Quite honestly, no one individual is playing consistently shitty this year. It's just easier to focus on one player's fuck-ups when there are no goals on the board. When it is a mediocre team effort, a mistake by someone is amplified. Hopefully the turnaround happens soon. Shit, I've used the word 'hopefully' entirely too much in this post. And as of this moment I'm no longer concerned about an even distribution of goals. I want someone to go on a tear. I want that someone to climb the leader boards. I want them to skate in, score with authority and finish it off with a good old DX crotch chop right in the goalie's face. (That last part won't happen because Red Wings players are classy where I am not). We are burning for a win. But we are really burning for a fucking curb-stomp of a win.

Now hopefully, (again with that word) @jennyquarx and I publicly shamed/coerced/guilt tripped the original Scrappy Octopus, Natalie, into doing a pre-game for the Wings/Wild match-up. If not, then I say to all of you, bombard her on the twitter to bring on the snark, for it has been far too long since she has graced this blog. Sorry Natalie, I'm fucking shameless.

LET'S GO WINGS

To Don The Winged Wheel

2011-10-30T11:12:00.002-04:00

We missed lasts nights game against the Wild due to a Halloween party we went to. Most people are saying be glad you missed it. Reading the other blogs, it sounds like it was a pretty poor outing by the boys in red and white. I followed the game on my phone, furiously hitting the refresh button, willing the score to change.

The panic button has been pressed by fans and it has been pressed hard. I am just as worried as the rest of you. People keep reminding me that it is early in the season and that the Wings will be fine. But I believe that these early season games are important. A good start balances out the slumps and streaks that every team deals with throughout the course of a season.

I'm not going to harp on the negatives. We've all flogged that horse plenty in the last four games. A lot of people are calling for a shake-up. And switching up lines is all well and good, but that seems more of a band-aid to me. What I think needs to happen is someone in that locker room needs to stoke the embers in the guts of each and every player into a raging inferno. They need to capture that proverbial lightning and bottle it. They need inspiration. They need to remember what it means to wear the winged wheel, that they play for one of the best franchises ever. It's time for them to step up and etch their names into the annals of hockey history.

You are a Red Wing. A team that fell from prominence only to rise from the ashes like the mythical phoenix and make the playoffs for twenty straight years. You have won four cups within that stretch, more than some teams have in their entire history. You have won against adversity in the past. Now that adversity raises it's ugly head you dig deep and find a way to slay that beast. We have seen you dedicate a season and win the Stanley Cup for a fallen comrade. We have seen you fight for each other as brothers gaining a sense of redemption with the beat down of Lemieux.

You have one of the greatest fan bases ever, many of whom I have met and now call friend. I have seen them step up and bring a fellow Wings blogger from Brasil. These same fans raised over twenty thousand dollars in two years for the Children's Hospital of Michigan. I am proud to be a part of this community, and we do it for you, Red Wings, the uniting factor of this community. We don the winged wheel in support of you. We are proud to be your fans. We know what you can do, so it starts now, the march to the 21st straight playoffs. Play your hearts out for the rest of the season, not for us but for yourselves, because we will be with you through thick and thin.

And as always, Let's go Wings

Put Roy Scheider on the Fourth Line

2011-10-28T11:24:00.002-04:00

If there is one thing that Roy has done well, it would be killing big dumb sharks. So if anybody knows of any good necromancers out there, give them a holler so they can resurrect Mr. Scheider to don the mantle of police chief, Martin C. Brody. Somebody is going to need to step up tonight and be a shark killer, (I'm looking at you Franzen). Z has been a little too quiet for my liking at the beginning of this season. If Hank is looking to inherit the 'C' after Lidstrom retires, then he has to start leading this team when they face adversity.

There is a trend I would like to see end this season. Quit making bad teams feel good about themselves. Also, you can quit letting rookies get their firsts of their NHL careers. Every time Ken or Mick announce that so-and-so hasn't scored in approximately seven years it seems that player scores against the Red Wings. Make these other teams hang their heads in shame as they make their way to a dark recess of the locker room to quietly sob with self loathing.

Besides the atrocious power play, another aspect of their game that has been lacking is-the breakout, because it hasn't been there. I don't know if there is some kind of side betting going on, but it seems as though their breakout consists of trying to hit the scoreboard. I don't know if they are trying to hit the opposing teams goal totals so they don't have to look at it, but guess what guys, those goals don't disappear.

All right. Here is a streak to keep going since they have dropped the last two-Jimmy is undefeated. Since aliens have abducted shutout Conklin and replaced him with Swiss cheese Conklin, Howard will have to shoulder the goaltending load. And he needs to be rock solid. Which Jimmy will show up? I'm hoping for Jimmah, and not distracted-new-dad-Jimmy.

Helm, Bertuzzi, and Holmstrom are the only players who are either even or on the plus side for the last two games. The top line hasn't been shutting down other teams top lines. Maybe Babs should be looking more for match-ups rather than different line combinations. I will have to pay close attention to where the lines are matching up tonight to see if this is true. Maybe the top line could jump start their scoring if matched up with weaker lines.

Besides the weak scoring chances and no offensive zone pressure the last two games, I do put a lot of the blame on Conklin's shoulders. He let in some bad goals. It's hard to gain momentum when a goal gets let in from the parking lot or you forget that the posts are your best friends.

I realize that this post seems like I'm Debbie Downer, but unfortunately that's where a fans mind goes when you are used to cheering for a winning team. And tonight I want the Wings to beat the Sharks. I am willing it from the very core of my existence.

Now everyone together-Let's Go Red Wings *Clap Clap clapclapclap*

Sports Hurt Your Soul

2011-10-23T10:38:00.003-04:00

I am not good at doing post game write ups after a loss. I definitely can't write them right after because it takes me until the next day to uncurl from the fetal position. The title of this post comes from @jennyquarx, who at the end of a bad sports night, turns to me and says, "Sometimes sports hurt your soul". Absolutely.

We had some important games going last night in our household. Obviously, the Red Wings/Caps, and we also had the Spartans/Badgers football game. I congratulate you MSU fans, and to the sports gods....Fuck hail Marys. The ending of that game was a butt-clincher. It's hard to watch people celebrate on twitter, be it friend or foe. While nobody did anything to us per se, I did notice some people being shitty to others. There is a line between good natured ribbing and being a cunt-ass-fuck hiding behind your keyboard. Don't say something you wouldn't say directly to someone's face. That's probably one of my biggest pet peeves. Even bigger than dipshits saying Lindstrom.

Now on to the Red Wings loss. I don't have the correct words to express the feelings I had during this game. That was pretty brutal, but like many people said on the twitters, better a brutal loss now instead of at the end of the season or during the playoffs. There was a moment during the beginning of the first period where the Wings were buzzing around the offensive zone, cycling, shooting, and putting up some good pressure. That was the only highlight, other than the Kronwall goal. The Caps didn't even have to play awesome hockey last night, they just had to capitalize on Red Wing mistakes, which they did very proficiently. I'm not going to break down each goal. If you want that info go here for J.J.'s CSSI analysis, http://www.wingingitinmotown.com/2011/10/23/2507242/cssi-analysis-red-wings-1-capitals-7 It should actually be CSI analysis because last nights game was a crime scene.

I never knew that J.J. was trained as a wizard because coming up with those numbers boggles my mind. I don't grasp the formulas. Hell, I still think E=MC Hammer. But let us apply a little CSSI analysis to me as a fan.

half-minus: I pushed the luck of my newly purchased Target Red Wings shirt, which was 2-0. I should know better.

It's going ok until Washington's second goal where I incur a double-minus. One for not forgiving Emmerton his rookie mistake, and the second for saying "Fucking-A" in front of my kid.

I earn a plus for honoring Murph and making hot dogs for dinner, but then getting a half-minus for getting mustard on my shorts.

I get another full minus for not making a voodoo doll of Mike Green.

I get a plus for saying we can get back into this when Kronwall scores the power play goal.

A minus three comes next. Two for having "Budd Lynch goal" enter my thoughts. And another minus for getting so pissed at Conklin for giving up a goal from the Zamboni parking garage.

A big minus five for considering turning it to Nick Jr. and seeing which episode of iCarly is on.

Another minus for saying, "Come on guys, what the fuck are you doing?" at least 11 times.

Tack on another minus for searching the interwebs to find the perfect Lolcats to sum up my feelings.

So I come in at a sucky minus 12. Way to go Zac. That was a tough one to watch but hopefully it was a learning experience for the team. At least it gives them plenty of video to show what they need to button up when going against a very solid team.

I think I need to go lay down now. And for the next game, Let's Go Wings

Take a Ride in the DC Cab

2011-10-22T16:25:00.002-04:00

Good thing nobody listened to my, "Ahhhh, it's a trap", bullshit in my last post. The Blue Jackets are not playing good hockey and their single solitary point is like a single solitary tear trickling down Rick Nash's face. I think a Freaky Friday scenario may have happened and the spirit of Joe Thornton inhabited Nash's body, because Ricky was getting a little bit douchey last night. I liked that Hudler dropped him to the ice with a lovely single-leg takedown. See everybody, MMA training does pay off.

The power play was shitting glitter last night. And so was the Mule. And the Legolas of the NHL, Valtteri Filppula, had a nice and sneaky 4 point night. That earned him player of the night from the NHL Network. Darren Helm had another awesome non-point night. He was all over the ice last night. I think he even ran up to the DJ booth to spin in between shifts. But please Helm, no more trying to block shots with your face....because you are too beautiful to me. I wish all of the little things he did translated to fantasy points though, because he is on my team.

A bizarre highlight for me last night was when Ken was mentioning the two tickets, two drinks, two hot dogs deal, my kid, channeling his inner Murph said, "Mmmmmm. Hot dogs."

So tonight we have a battle of the last of the unbeatens. The Caps are 6-0-0 against the 5-0-0 Red Wings. This is a tough test. Alex 'Alfred E. Newman' Ovechkin is hopefully hampered by Datsyuk all night. If they play responsible hockey I think they squeak this one out over the Caps.

Or maybe Ericsson will just going around punching people. He looked like one of the big headed fight bosses from Double Dragon. Another bonus of Ericsson fighting is it means he is off the ice for 5 minutes.

Saddle up people, to the victor goes all of the fortune and glory Dr. Jones

And as always, Let's go Red Wings

I'm Done Hibernating

2011-10-21T16:07:00.002-04:00

Sweet zombie Jeebus has this been a way too long of a fucking break. I feel like I had just started a season of NHL 95 on my Sega Genesis and one of my drunk roommates hit the reset button, making me start the pre-season all over again. It seems pretty ridiculous that the schedule makers that be thought this was a good idea. With my tin foil hat firmly in place, blocking out the evil brain waves of Gary Bettman, I'm able to theorize that this was done on purpose to overload the Wings at the end of the season. Shit, other teams have already played twice as many games.

This long stretch really fucks up my inept blogging skills. I've lost my flow. I want game action to write about. I don't want to write about an IR's recreation of Scenes From a Mall. Although I am happy to hear about your latest enjoyment of a Cinnabon purchase, or your heartbreaking dilemma of where to eat at the food court. (Yes sir, there are sooo many choices.) Except I don't know if Steak Escape counts as fine dining, even if you do have a lit candelabra and a cello serenade.

See, I'm totally writing fake shit now. Well, half fake. You can guess which half is fake.

So we finally get a game tonight, in fact we get a little back-to-back action. It's Columbus tonight, and I hope they wear their third jersey 1950's soda fountain uniforms. (Even though it's an away for them). That way, when Carter's foot starts bothering him he can don a paper hat and serve us delicious vanilla phosphates.

When I roll my 12 sided die it bolsters my hyper awareness giving me an extra +8, allowing me to sense a trap up ahead. That's what sucks about these games after a long break, they have trap written all over them. Couple that with the Blue Jackets really needing a win here, the Red Wings will have to be on their toes. Hopefully they worked on their power play on this hiatus, which seems to be the consensus amongst Wings fans as needing much improvement.

So what did @Flapjack_McZap and @jennyquarx of Clan MacRostie do this week while the Red Wings were idle. Well, we met up with a fellow Wings fan who happened to be in Madison for a few days. Especially after H2H2, we take every opportunity to catch up with a Wings fan if they are in the vicinity. Ryan, you are a gentleman and a scholar. A lover of fine beers and tasty metal riffs as well as burning a mean fret board yourself. If Ericsson does not give up a breakout pass to the opposition's wheel house for a one-timer this season, you will win his jersey. I don't know if that's a reward or punishment. Plus, we also met a cool Kings fan. Jose, you are an encyclopedia of NHL knowledge. Nice job stumping three Wings fans with some Red Wings trivia.

I will see everyone tonight, (interwebally speaking of course) in various spots, mostly the twitters and at times, the Winging It in game thread, which takes me all intermission to catch up.

Let's go Red Wings. Don't let Columbus spoil the undeats like the Niners did to the Lions.

How Do You Follow A Conkblock?

2011-10-14T10:11:00.002-04:00

I don't know if Jimmy's performance was spurred on by Conklin's shutout from the game before, but he needed a nice game like this. Sure, there was that blast off his shoulder that went up and over, but triple zeros negated that. And there was that other dinger off of the pipe, but that's the way the bounces went for Jimmy last night.

Speaking of the no-time-left-no-goal, how long before O'Halloran starts announcing no goals in Soup Nazi fashion shouting, "NO GOAL FOR YOU."

I think Franzen is feeling pretty good, talking about his knee specifically. He's been making his old school quick cut to the net with soft hands move.

Hudler does not want to hear any more of this trade bait bullshit. Plus the fact that nobody even offered the Wings a carton of Lucky Strikes and a fully stamped Subway card for him. With his off season MMA training he looks to be raising his game from Juicy Couture to Randy Couture.

Bertuzzi's pass to Abdelkader was a beaut. Having Datsyuk skate into the offensive zone attracting 15 Canucks really helped open up the ice for Abs. And how about Abdelkader's bitch slapping of Lapierre last night? He should have thrown in a donkey punch for good measure. I liked how Sally Lapierre pretended to fight back after the refs stepped in.

Both of the penalties to Bertuzzi were very weak at best. At least he doesn't draw further attention by putting his hands in the air proclaiming innocence before the whistle is blown. He just starts jawing Yosemite Sam style at the refs on his way to the box.

I really can't say much about the power play because nothing much happens on the power play. I don't see why they are having these pp problems when a lot of their 5 on 5 play has been dominating. Like Mickey pointed out last night, they are being too cute. They keep trying to force passes into a crowd. Even if the pass connects, you are trapped in a phone booth, and not everyone is Datsyuk.

One of my favorite moments from last night is when they had a graphic up during the pregame which had the ginger twins pictures side by side with their stats below. Then Mickey says, "That's Sedin on the left". Oh really Mick. Then who's that on the right? Sedin 2.0, a weird alien clone, or a robot sent from the future to protect John Conner? Your guess would be as good as any because the jury is still out on that one.

Ericsson didn't poop on anyone's head so I guess that's a good thing. He still makes way too many bonehead plays that just make your sphincter clench. He made a couple of those last night. We will all need O-ring transplants by the end of the season.

That's all I got. It's a nice start to the season. Work out some of the bugs, especially on the power play and then keep it rollin'.

Later folks. (hahas)

One Down, 81 To Go

2011-10-08T11:31:00.002-04:00

Last night was a very nice start for the Red Wings, well minus the third period. The third wasn't too bothersome what with the outcome, but it just shows you can't let up off of the gas and coast.

First goal was a fantastic rifle shot from the Thunderchief. It was a sweet pass from Helm that sprung Bertuzzi. The Hudler from Datsyuk goal almost made me choke on my awesome homemade chicken pot pie. Emmerton does not want to sit in the press box or go to Grand Rapids. Lidstrom's goal was totally sick. "Hello inexperienced kid, I'm just going to do this, and a little of that, and oh, watch this, whoooop....goal."

Now over at http://theproductionline.us/ Chris Hollis made a point about Holmstrom being put on the fourth line. And he is correct. Sometimes I felt that when he was on either of the top two lines, everyone had to wait for him to get into the play and then plant his butt in his office. If Babs needs to switch things up this year, I have the feeling that he is going to get Eaves paired up with Zetterberg and Filppula. Last year and this pre-season, whenever Eaves and Zetterberg were out on the ice together, it just looked like they clicked.

The third line was shittin' glitter last night.

Now they face the Grammalanche. Let's hope the boys keep it rolling and smoke those guys. If there is a team I love to see the Wings beat, it would be them. Or the Ducks, or the Hawks, or the Penguins. I would like to see Howard play a solid 60 minutes, but that means everyone has to play a solid 60. And hopefully the power play looks a bit better.

Let's go Red Wings

It Has Begun (Mortal Kombat voice)

2011-10-07T11:29:00.002-04:00

Yay. That sums up my thoughts on the start of the new hockey season. I know, I'm super profound. I could have said, "Oh Yeaaaah", but I fear that the Kool-Aid man would come bursting through my wall. That always bugged me about those old Kool-Aid commercials. All this kid wanted was some nice liquid refreshment and now he has to explain to his parents how this giant fucking hole in their house happened to appear. Good luck trying to convince them that a giant talking beverage pitcher did it. They are more likely to think that you were breaking bad in the shed behind the house and drove the family station wagon through the living room in a meth induced rampage.

Wow. One sentence in and I already went off on a fucked up tangent. That's either not too shabby or, shit, am I out of practice.

Since we live outside of the Detroit viewing area, we had to accept the scraps fed to us by the NHL Network. The one thing that I took from the pre-season is that the kids look good. There are a lot of them that look really hungry to make the big club. And the ones who aren't there yet get to simmer with the Griffins. There is a ton of great potential in the cupboard and the call ups will make for an exciting season.

The Smith hit was unfortunate and shows his sometimes over-exuberance. He was just as passionate as a Badger. Let's just get these suspension games out of the way and move forward. I don't know about anybody else, but I was pretty pleased with the Brunnstrom try out. This could turn out to be another one of those great 'player from the scrap pile Red Wings' stories.

Way down the road and we will look back at this post and note that I said it here. Nyquist and Jurco will be the Euro-twins of the future.

The biggest story in the last week has got to be the scoop of all scoops. Somebody broke a story about a player nobody ever even heard of that has been in the Wings training camp all along. Nystrom. He doesn't even have a first name. He's like Prince or Sting. Kudos goes out to this crew and their superb fact checking skills. When this kid wins the Calder we should all pitch in and send these guys Nystrom jerseys as a reward for their diligence to the facts they put forth in the blogging and podcast community.

All right then. Let us get this shit started. In fabulous HD this year. Plus free Center Ice thanks to @jennyquarx's magical phone skills. Telemarketer types do not stand a chance against her.

And last but not least, go Red Wings.

Let's Just Roll With It

2011-07-03T10:53:00.003-04:00

Christmas in July started and I think the Red Wings did pretty good. We got a classic piece of tech-the Commodore 64. Sure, it's not an i-pad or some android device, but this could be fun. We got our functional household gift in Ian White. It's not flashy, but it does its job. It may not have been what you wanted, but it was definitely something you needed. Our beer of the month club was extended with Miller and our favorite magazine subscription was renewed with Eaves. And then some asshole re-gifted a pair of their shitty underwear with that Ericsson deal.

Mike Commodore gets to be the Bertuzzi of this coming season. Not the Bertuzzi that we all now know and love, but the Bertuzzi that first signed on for his second stint as a Red Wing. Some of us were unsure, some of us were pissed, some of us were indifferent and took the wait and see approach. Personally, I love this signing. The Wings get a big body and someone who knows how to use it. The Red Wings also get someone who will drop the gloves, and that will alleviate the pressure from Bertuzzi who always had to be the glove dropper.

"Hey Bert. I didn't like that hit on Z. Let's send them a message and give us a spark."

"Can't Abby do that? I'm feeling like a shooter tonight."

"I know you've got the hot hand tonight, but Ab-Der-kader lost control of his stick and stabbed someone through the head."

Sure, Commodore isn't going to score a jillion points and that's cool. But now the Wings added some toughness to the back end. And I promise everyone that I will no longer use Commodore 64 unless that becomes the jersey number he chooses. Oh, and Mike, please bring back that glorious afro. The kind of afro that makes you think, "Is this guy in one of those named-after-a-place bands like Boston or Kansas?"

I know that some people were pissed after the Ian White signing, not because they didn't want Ian White, but because that meant that Brendan Smith wasn't going to have a spot with the big club. Settle down, Smith will get his chance. And seriously people, when have the Red Wings rushed anyone up? But I digress. Back to White. This move has a lot of potential. White is a defenseman used in all situations. You may look at his point totals and think, "Big whoop, we lost a bunch of points off the back end with Rafalski retiring." True, but look at the teams he played for. The Leafs and the Flames. Now it's time for Zac's fake stat corner. If you take the 10 points in 23 games with the Sharks, who are a much better team then the Leaf and Flames, and keep that production going for a whole season with a good team, you could be looking at a 40-50 point D-man. And let's face it, how consistent can you be playing for 3 teams in one season? Plus, for playing in his first playoffs he did pretty good.

Now I have a serious question for everyone. Does Jonny Ericsson have pictures of Babcock giving Holland a hand-job or something? I do not understand a) how this kid is still a Red Wing and b) how this guy commands this kind of contract. With this deal that $hitbox (trademark TPL) got, I just throw my hands in the air. Only I am waving them like I DO care. I seriously have a fantasy that Kenny has this brilliant master play regarding the fate of Ericsson that has our jaws dropping like when you first saw the ending of The Usual Suspects. We will be replaying key moments of Jonny's Red Wing career, with Holland sound bites spliced in, in black and white as well as slo-mo, to make it all dramatic and artsy. And then we will never doubt Kenny 'Kaiser Soze' Holland again.

All in all I am pretty happy with the deals the Red Wings have made. And if they want to pick up Conklin as a back up, I am cool with that too. So I say we just roll with this. This is good. As always, the Wings have some good players in the pipeline that I would be comfortable seeing getting a shot if things go that way and now there is a stash in the piggy bank if things go terribly awry. So hurry up October, I want to see this shit in action.

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention

2011-06-03T10:22:00.002-04:00

Holy jeez. Does it seem like these playoffs are lasting forever? If Detroit were in the finals we would be heading into game three by now due to Bettman scheduling a double header right off the bat. Who am I pulling for in this series? Neither. I just can't muster up two shits for this one. Which is weird because I watch a metric butt ton of hockey during the regular season. @jennyquarx and I have Center Ice and in addition to watching every Red Wing game, we have games on all the time. Seriously, I get stoked watching an Edmonton/Minnesota matchup. So why can't I get excited for these finals? Besides the obvious being that the Wings aren't in it? I can't put my finger on it, so let's take a look at it and try to figure it out.

Boston Bruins

I guess one of the reasons why I don't care if the Bruins win the cup is because that sports market has enough championship trophies. All of their major sports franchises are always in the playoffs so who cares unless you are from the area. Another negative reason is that I don't think that its fair that Lucic gets two sticks when he's on the ice. Hold on a sec...........Sorry everyone, I have just been informed that that is not a second stick but it is actually his fucking nose. I kid. Speaking of Lucic, whenever he is on the ice you have to say La La La Lucic in the same singy way as the La La La Loopsy doll commercial. I mean, you don't have to, but it is much better if you do.

See? I am just not that emotionally invested in these Bruins. Hey Tim Thomas is from Flint. Is that really a relevant excuse to cheer for a team? Hey, all NHL players are from planet Earth and so am I, so I cheer for all the NHL teams. Plus with Kesler being 'Livonia's Son' does that mean the two Michiganders cancel each other out? I don't think people need to be digging that deep to find a reason to back a team. "I'm cheering for the Bruins because Patrice Bergeron is an accomplished falconer in the off season and I totally love birds."

I don't want to reach for a reason to root for or against a team. But on the other hand, I love hockey so I do want to be emotionally invested, especially since it is the Stanley Cup.

Vancouver Canucks

The Sedin twins. Well, you either admire their superb play where they know what the other is thinking. Or you are creeped out by a pair of alien ginger twins, where they know what the other is thinking. I guess we can go with the, "I'm gonna cheer for the Western Conference team." Which is a little bit how I'm leaning. If the Sharks had made it I wouldn't though. I almost never cheer for a team that ousted my team. I don't subscribe to the whole, "I just want to know that my team was beat by the best." Fuck that. I want the team that beat the team I cheer for to explode into a bajillion pieces. I then will sweep those said pieces up into a big pile so that I can piss on it.

I wish had that passion for this series that I have for a Red Wings/Ducks game. Seriously, stand in a room with more than three Red Wings fans during that game. You can practically feel the will power oozing from their pores. A will power that emanates from their core that screams, "Just beat these fucking douchebags." I guess I will have to cheer for exciting close games. We've got two goaltenders that can stand on their heads. There is a ton of talent out there. Both teams lines go pretty deep. They've both got diggers and hitters. They both have a creepy factor, Sedins/Chara. With game one we already got a goalie battle. Plus we learned that Alex 'the Cannibal' Burrows has a taste for the long pig. Gosh, when I put it like that, I should be watching the shit out of this series......unless it conflicts with Game of Thrones. I'm almost not kidding back there.

Well Crap, 'cause I don't golf

2011-05-14T11:18:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to lie. That was a tough loss to take. For me it's because I really can't stand the Sharks. And a big part of that comes down to their captain. I don't think Thornton is captain material. Captains don't dive, plain and simple. Captains don't start shit just because they are a douchebag. As Red Wings fans we have been extremely spoiled for over two decades because we have had two of the best captains ever. I compare the rest of the league's captains to Steve Yzerman, and I always will. And if they are even half the captain he was, then I guess that is pretty good.

So overall, (minus winning the cup) this was a pretty good season. We have learned some things. Like one Jimmy Howard is a playoff goalie, no question. He had good win stats this year and if he gets his GA down and his SP up, then we have a Vezina goaltender on our hands.

We have learned that we will probably have to invent new words to describe Pavel Datsyuk plays. Seriously, dude pulled some sick shit out this year. I am trying to invent a word that combines Fucking awesome, Holy shit, That just blew my mindhole, and I think I just jizzed in my pants. It's not going so well because I think I dislocated my tongue. If Datsyuk didn't get injured, I'm going to say that he would have been adding a Hart trophy to the trophy case.

We have also learned that Red Wings fans are the coolest ever. H2H2 is testament to that. I wish I had the opportunity to talk to more people than I did. I wish I had clinked glasses of Ghettoblaster with more people. I wish less people puked on our floor, naw, it's okay, you got this.

Now I have seen people screaming for people's heads on the twitter. Fire this guy, trade that guy. This guy's contract is ridiculous. And this shit was happening before the handshake line. Settle down people. A little side note about the handshake line. Did you all notice that Hank leaned in and said a little something to every Shark he shook hands with? That is because he is all class.

There are some big decisions that individual players have to make about retirement. That goes a long way into figuring out the other pieces of the equation. There have been many people saying we NEED another 30 goal scorer. Really? Last time the Wings did that they picked up Hossa. How did that turn out? Sure, another scorer would be nice, but it seems that the Wings do better when they have more double digit scorers. But then again, when it comes to sports, one can always cite stats that make their argument look bulletproof.

So we all just need to relax. Me bitching about Ericsson on the interwebs is not going to change the Wings mind about what they are going to with him. Even though if you notice that anybody paired up with him looks like shit because they are doing the job of two defensemen. So when Rafalski gets to look like an ass because the Shitbox blew another assignment, by all means, call for Rafalski's head.

All you Red Wing blogs out there, keep blogging throughout the summer. How the hell else am I supposed to get my news, by watching ESPN? Not fucking likely. I like getting the real scoop with a dash of opinions and rants. You all do an awesome job and it breaks up the monotony of surfing for porn.

And lastly I really have to thank Brian and Natalie for letting me join in on these reindeer games. I am already looking forward to next season. And who am I rooting for the rest of the playoffs? Honestly, I just want the Sharks to go down. I always cheer against the team that eliminated the team I root for. So I guess I am cheering for the Yzerbolts.

Happy Mothers Day, here's a free ticket aboard the stress train.

2011-05-08T19:15:00.002-04:00

A big ole' Word To Your Mother for all of the moms out there today. Just a quick little what's up before the game.

Hey Clowe, it's Mother's Day, not Motherfuckers Day. Just so you know, you don't have to be a motherfucker today, unlike all the rest of the days of your miserable life. You can go be a douche on your own time you whiny jagoff. A perfect place for that would of been the pressbox you instigating motherfucker. I see you started celebrating your misunderstood holiday a couple of days early. Not only with your actions at the end of the last game but also by your statements to the press. Clowe, I want you to stand in front of a mirror and answer me this. How the fuck do you fight the urge to punch yourself in your stupid-ass face? In the garden of life, you sir, are the dickweed.

Let's go Red Wings

HEY! I Said Knock it Off

2011-04-30T11:49:00.002-04:00

The title was said in my dad voice. Even if you don't have kids, you probably remember someone using that voice on you. It has a tone and a timbre that is unique in that the receiver stops everything they are doing and snaps to attention. Now that I have your myopically focused attention, listen up. Stop this shit. Let us move forward.

First things first. The game. Yeah, that sucked. It was hard to watch. Were the Wings outplayed? Perhaps. Was their flow and inability to get some sustained pressure caused by some horseshit calls and non-calls? I believe so. Have I ever played in the NHL? No. Have I ever reffed an NHL game? No. I only have my opinion and replay which makes me kind of an expert, just like millions of others around the world. And the medium of blogging is just that. It is you, the writer, officially putting your opinion out in the world to see. Not only to see, but to comment on as well.

So second things second. People who are putting these opinions out into the world need to live by the old adage, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". And if you want to comment on these blog posts you have to be able to stand the heat as well. None of this hit and run bullshit. From both parties. There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read for whichever team you follow. Fat blogs, skinny blogs, blogs who climb on rocks. And even blogs that still think Lidstrom is Lindstrom. So if you don't like someone's opinion on a consistent basis, don't go and fucking read it. Doi.

Thirdly. The twitter. Yes, all of this shit will eventually get to the twitter. Which quite honestly, because of the 140 character limit, is kind of the perfect place to argue. It's hard to write your soliloquy of doom in such a short space. Oh, and threatening to unfollow someone on twitter is some passive aggressive bullshit. Unfollow or don't. Don't talk about it for three days. And tweeting about how many people you unfollowed is wishy-washy. Who cares. If you are following other fanbases, especially during the playoffs, things are bound to get heated. But seriously, you should know that going in.

Here is an example. Yesterday I wrote that Douglas Murray was as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Somebody on twitter called me out on my mistake. He said Murray is UGLIER THAN a jar of smashed assholes. He would be right and I was wrong and I thank you for pointing out my egregious error. And I also apologize to jars of smashed assholes everywhere for even thinking of comparing the horrendous visage of Douglas Murray to you.

So in summation: Sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree. Fuck the stupid-head Sharks. Let's go Red Wings. You know what kind of calls and douchebaggery this series will bring so you boys need to play accordingly.

Doubling the Output for 2011

2011-04-28T15:11:00.002-04:00

I did want to have some kind of revengey type title, but that's not really the tone I'm going for. And let's face it, I would be the shoe in the Revenge Society. I also don't really see this as a revenge series. If you were a team that struggled for years, made the playoffs, got bumped, and then faced the same team in the following years' playoffs. Then I would see it as a revenge series. As it is, the Red Wings face a team that they stumbled on last year.

Some little known Shark facts:

They are required by law to have a life guard at practices.

Greg Louganis is a special secret advisor to the team.

The Sharks refuse to stay in a hotel that has a No Diving sign posted by the pool.

"Okay Zac, we get it. You think the Sharks are divers."

Yeah, we'll get to that, but I have one more Shark fact to share:

Doug Murray is as ugly as a jar of smashed assholes. Oh wait. One more thing. Setoguchi takes longer than the other players to hit the showers after practice because he takes a little bit of "Devin Time" while wearing Thornton's jock on his face like a doctor's mask.

All right, I will give you that the Murray one is an opinion and the Setoguchi one is an educated guess. I mean come on, look at that douchebag.

The Sharks can actually be a scary team when they are clicking. Their lines go deep. They are their own worst enemy though. When games don't go their way they resort to douchebaggery. When you see Jumbo getting thuggy then you know the game isn't how they want it to be. And if he starts taking shots at Lidstrom and Holmstrom he can fuck right off back to his summer home in Cuntsylvania.

I see the Red Wings taking this series in 6 games.

My game gear is still going to the Shirtuzzi. I wore it for all four games last series. Yes I did not wash it. Yes I am lucky that I am married to a Red Wings fan who is just as superstitious as me.

Who's this clown?

2011-04-25T16:15:00.003-04:00

The Scrappy Octopus has been most generous in inviting me to come say a few words every once in a while. Who am I? Just a fellow Red Wings fan. What makes you think you can blog about the Wings? I don't, really. I will never rely on "stats" or "facts". I won't use "rationale". I will scream Fuck You at the top of my lungs just to win an argument. But seriously all joking aside, I am too lazy to create my own blog, and there are already enough good ones out there. I am just happy to pop in, write some crazy shit for some like minded people, and then steal away like a thief in the night. On the twitter you might know me as @Flapjack_McZap. In real life you might know me as Zac, lover of fine hams.

Let's get down to some business toot sweet.

So the Norris nods came out and it shouldn't be any surprise that Lidstrom was nominated. Let us look at the other nominees. Shea 'Unfrozen Caveman' Weber and Zdeno 'Swingin Neckbreaker' Chara. I don't know if Chara was thrown in there because of his +/- or what. Hell, if you try to base it on numbers, Brian Rafalski had stats comparable to that of Chara and Weber with 20 less games. But as long as Lidstrom is around all other D-men for the Wings will always be bridesmaids but never the bride. Quite honestly, you can take any defenseman in the top 20 and make a case for every one of them.

But fuck all that noise. Chara is out because of the 'Hit'. And Lidstrom beats out Weber because.....how does this go? Oh yeah, Lidstrom is a better defenseman than Weber.

Speaking of Weber. I know a lot of Wings fans hate that guy, but he's a restricted free agent next year and I like the cut of his motherfuckin' jib. And for all of you haters out there, I understand, this is like the Chelios situation for me. For a lot of people he WAS the Blackhawks. It took me a couple of seasons to get used to him being a Red Wing. And now look, he's our beloved Chelios.

I am getting really anxious for round 2 of the playoffs to start. I'm totally, "yay for the sweep", but I want to watch my team again.

One last thing before I go. Can we as a society all agree to stop using pun titles for blogs and websites where you substitute a form of the word 'puck' for a form of the word 'fuck'. I'm sorry, but its so played out. Remember, puns are the mimes of the joke community. And nobody likes a mime. Or mimery. Or mimeness. If we don't put a stop to this now we will end up like Idiocracy and wind up getting all of our hockey information from Butt Puckers.com.

This blog still exists?

2011-01-09T01:59:00.001-05:00

Back from an EXTREMELY long holiday break (MUCH needed), I am very much of two minds about tonight's game; therefore, I shall break it down in two sections:

1. Fuck you, Roberto Luongo.

I don't know if I've ever voiced my thoughts on Luongo in this medium previously, so if not, here goes. Technically speaking, to me, he is a good goalie. Quick, fast movement, flexible, good vision.....everything you'd want in a goalie (maybe not for the next ten years at $10 million per, but still). He does, however, have a flaw which irks the shit out of me.....

....he is the biggest baby I have ever seen.

Yes, more of a baby than Sidney (gasp!). While players may dive, work refs, it seems like a larger than it should be percentage of goals are NEVER his fault, in his mind anyway. Watch a Canuck game sometime. If someone is within two feet of his crease, if a puck goes in, he ALWAYS seems to cry about it. He is perpetually working refs, bitching about everything under the sun. The end of tonight's game is a prime example of this. Bert's foot GRAZES him. Comes in close to him. Luongo, however, dives like he just got whacked by Jeff Gillooly. Seeing that contact, you REALLY have to act to even fall in that way. Its shameful.

So picture that. Play is happening. The game hasn't stopped. You've had Homer's planet sized ass in your face all night, and maybe he'd had enough. Whether these factors entered his mind or not, he had a decision to make - Flop like you're a European soccer player and POSSIBLY allow a puck in the net that may or may not be waved off; or make a fucking attempt to stop the puck....

....and you know which he picked. He went down like he'd been shot in the leg, and Kronner's shot got waved off. And that's fine, since we won in the shootout anyway (the best possible FUCK YOU to such a giant vagina). But that's who he is. HE WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THAT TEAM UNTIL THIS SEASON. How fucked in the head is that? He is not clutch. Sure, he won a gold, but my recollection of that game is Luongo positively itching to give that game away, looking shaky in the clutch. What a wuss.

2. Saddle up Jimmy, because you're carrying this team.

The state of the Wings health is kind of astounding this year. Pav, Buckets, Fil, Mikey-Mo, and now Brad Stuart. Now, Osgood is getting his groin injury evaluated, and there's a possibility this might be a longish term injury. How does Jimmy respond?

He seemed to know what he needed to do. He won this game tonight. He carried that team on his back; and with every god damn body out, he'll have to do that with a lot more frequency than he probably should. The team is in a great place in the standings in a VERY competitive Western conference, which is good, because with all the injuries, they may need it.

Players are stepping up and filling bigger roles better than last year, but while everyone is out, this team will go as far as Tiberius can carry them.

So many other things we could talk about, but TSO is working its way back into blogging shape. Welcome back to us. Game recaps, hockey talk, and creative swears will appear with more frequency. Welcome back to us.

Pissing on the worst logo in hockey

2010-11-14T11:52:00.000-05:00

In a word - Dominating.

That was Saturday's game against the Avalanche; owners of the stupidest logo in all of hockey. I know the "rivalry" is pretty dormant, as the Avs have been also-ran's for awhile now. I, however, still feel the hate, as i'm pretty sure most Wings fans still do. Maybe not as hard, or as intense, but its still there. So even if its an early season game where half their team is injured.....I don't care. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke.

Thoughts on the game:

1. Now that Hudler has found his game, Drew Miller is where he belongs, I think - The press box. No shame in that Drew. You'll get your ice time. Someone will get hurt, people will need rests.

2. The worst part of the above statement? Validating needless hatred of a certain podcast podcast NOT named TP:60.

3. On a related note - Check out the most recent TP:60, the one where in Natalie rocks crotches over the audio waves! Trust me, its amazing. You get Nat being awesome, Casey from WIM doing his thing, Disch, who is always good for some fun times, and Hollis, the best host in the biz. TP:60 is ALWAYS worth a listen.

4. On a podcasty note (again, not TP:60 related, but you know what i'm talking about) - If I were ever on a podcast, and used the following names: Hooler, Sitcharelli, Citzarelli, and Lindstrom; I would seriously fire myself from said podcast. Just sayin'.

5. A point made by Nat from the podcast holds true for me as well - I'm curious about the game against the Blues on Wednesday. So far, we haven't really played anybody. The only team we have played that was worth a shit was Vancouver; and we got them at the end of a West Coast trip; on the tail end of a playing the night before. Not a true indicator of how things could go; at least I don't think so. But I mean, beating up on an injury riddled Avs team doesn't mean a great deal. Now we can start measuring what the team is really about. It starts with the Blues on Wednesday. The Scrappy household has watched a bunch of Blues games this year and are impressed. Not a bad team. Really curious to see what the Wings can do Wednesday.

All told, a great win. When Bert is shooting the puck like that, you know the Wings are rolling. And there will likely be a lot of locusts in our future. Finding a safe bunker might not be the worst idea.

Go Wings.

Get your ass out there and hang on to it!

2010-11-08T23:53:00.001-05:00

Oh, I will Babcock, I will. Live TV is glorious.

A good effort by the Wings tonight. Much better than the Vancouver game, which fell apart. One observation i'd like to throw out from that game - Luongo's body language is HORRIBLE. He gave up 4 goals, and on half of those, he baby cried about something or the other.....it was never HIS fault; either someone interfered, or Cleary 'threw it in', or the sun was in his eyes, or some shit....Just suck it up and move on.

Anyway, on to tonights game:

1. Jimmy's near death experience on the ice scared the living shit out of me. Where did yours jump to? Mine? Groin injury; followed closely by blown MCL (look who remembers taking Human Anatomy ages ago in high school. Me=expert). Thankfully he just had to rub a little dirt on it and he was fine.

2. Jiri Judler is a midget. Duh, i'm sure is the first thing YOU thought. Dick. Homeboy is seriously weak on the puck.

3. Ulf Samuelsson - I can't believe that fucker is a coach. I figured he'd taken to a post-career job of burning down convents and taking shits on homeless people while they sleep. Nat's thoughts on Ulf? "His eyes are way too close together", implying of course he has some sort of cognitive difficulties. Why yes, yes they are, and yes, he likely does. She's the best :)

4. I'm going to give you three phrases, used in order of most scary to least scary:

Lebda joins the rush!

Looks like Stuart is jumping up in the play!

The Wings have brought Tim cheveldae out of moth balls to start in goal for the remainder of the season

5. I could give or take the first two periods of the game. Pav made me want to throw myself from a moving car until the third, when he decided to shoot again. Starting in the Vancouver game, I felt he did that thing he does where he becomes "too cute" and stops doing the things that make him good. Of course, this is me essentially saying "Hey, best player on the team, perpetual Selke nominee.....Here's what you SHOULD be doing", so i'm going to shut the fuck up.

6. Speaking of said first two periods....until about two minutes to go in the second; everything just looked off. No one was meshing, shit didnt look right at all. Except....

7. Abdelkader. This kid is a house on fire right now. At this point i'm sure he can do no wrong. A great couple of games by him. He's so awesome i'm fairly certain he impregnated me from afar tonight; especially difficult a task since i'm a dude.

8. Fun fact - during the Versus coverage; when they showed footage from the concourse....Did you see that Legace jersey? It happened, I promise.

9. I was also asked to address the fact that Aaron Ward looks like an asshole/date rapist.

OT win is pretty awesome. Rusty came up big in overtime. A win is a win.

WOO.

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE

2010-11-06T00:11:00.001-04:00

See what I did there? With the oil?

I've started with this theme in my past few game recaps, but its really true - Its great watching this Wings team. The last two games were complete dominance. Calgary; the game was 2-1, and it never felt in doubt, not once. Tonights game was the same. Complete dominance. Granted, this is Edmonton - you SHOULD dominate them, as they are not particularly good at hockey. Last year, however, it didn't go that way in games like these. This team, however, is different. Way different. Not much changed; but a lot changed, if you know what I mean. Onward to the recap, broken down by periods, as I finally decided to get smart and take notes so I don't forget the multitude of shit I want to say about the game while its occurring....so anyway, my random observations:

1st Period

As a Center Ice subscriber, I have to point this out - Watching Edmonton games is ALWAYS strange. The arena seems....darker than most. I never notice player shadows, but it Edmonton, its so prevalent. What accounts for this? Smart people, unite, and tell me. Its also the only arena that comes to mind where the camera angle is behind the player bench, instead of the penalty box. I could be way off on this.

Mickey seems extra crazy/drunk this season. Random, almost incoherent mid-game rants....I think I like this Mickey. He and Murph need to hang out more often.

One thing I missed while hockey season wasn't around? Commercials for Big Boy. So nostalgic. In college, our town had a Big Boy. The food was borderline poison, but they had a Big Boy statue in front the size of a person. It was my goal to steal it. Sadly, it didn't happen. This is, and always will be, my lifes biggest regret.

Here's exactly what I wrote next on my paper - "Resurgence of Riggy Shitbox" (kudos to TPL for the name; best shit ever). Two games back is not a great sample size, but that oaf is playing a fucking good game.

On a related note, with Bert starting the season hot, and Riggy Shitbox looking serviceable....I'm convinced all we need is TPL to talk shit about horrible players and they'll turn it around. Maybe you take a run at Janik next? Perfect transition to the....

2nd period

When Stu went down in front of the net, our house thought he was dead....until we saw the replay and realized he took a lesson from the Dougie Janik school of skating and simply fell down. Maybe we make Doug an assistant coach to teach falling without injuring yourself.

Yes, the hit on Pav was clean (though initially, it looked horrendous in fast motion). That being said, I LOVE Ericsson defending Pav here. Teams need guys like that.

Hudler kind of belongs back in the press box, yes?

Abdelkader is on-fucking-fire, yes? Holy shit that kid is playing well right now.

Kindl takes some dumb penalties.

3rd period

More of an overall theme....but yeah, that game didn't really feel in danger to me. Not once.

Stortini is a shit heel.

Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy....this kid can take the Wings far. With the defense playing pretty damn good in front of him, he can make those 4 or 5 tough saves most nights to keep them on top. I love him.

Overall, a pretty complete night for the Wings, wouldn't you say?

The potential, if unrealistic, thought of Joey Mac in the tail end of the back to back on the road scares me just the slightest bit.

Go Wings.

Wings extinguish Flames 4-2.

2010-10-21T21:54:00.007-04:00

After a rest period of no fewer than 2.5 light years, Red Wings hockey returned tonight with a visit by the Calgary Flames to the Joe.

--How fitting was each of the Wings' four goals tonight? Zetterberg with his Flying Circus comrades, then Lidstrom, both of whom were previously goal-less in the young season, scored absolute Miss-Universe-with-real-cans beauties of goals, then Franzen scored on an otherwise indescribable Franzenesque chance off Kiprusoff's person. Kinda makes me regret the decision to tell B earlier in the game that Kipper always plays against us like he has a chip on his shoulder... Oh, and how about that last one from "I still have a purpose here" Man o'Lantern? Happy early Halloween, kiddos.

--Jimmy Howard looked absolutely on point tonight. While naysayers and worrywarts fret about sophomore slumps, he's kicking ass, taking names and probably nailing your girlfriend...in your girlfriend's dreams.

--In reference to Ruslan Salei's net-lifting, I have just one thing to say: Maybe we should kiss again to teach him a lesson about obvious. If you don't know, now you know.

--Anybody fascinated by the concept of time travel should probably get in touch with Mark Giordano, as I'm pretty sure he visited 1956 and stole Elizabeth Taylor's eyebrows.

--Speaking of pretty, anybody else still a little skeeved out by Mickey's talkgasm over seeing a helmet-less Kronner early in the game? I think it went a little something like, "Oh, my, that's a beautiful sight..." followed by some grumble-sighs, but it's all mostly fuzzy and redacted in my mind's eye. Something about a switch flipping to prevent the ol' PTSD from reoccurring...

--Jarome Iginla must dislike playing us.

--Yeah, it goes without saying on this site, and yeah, I've written several odes to the guy explaining exactly how I feel, but it's a new season, and I've gotta say it again: There will come a day when we no longer see Homer's upset face jabbering at opponents between whistles. Until that day, I move that FSD establish a permanent Homer Iso-Cam so we can watch him go through the motions of being Tomas Fucking Holmstrom at all times.

--Curtis Glencross is challenging Mason Raymond for TSO's favorite "Could Be a West Virginian" name. Negative points for not having a full name comprised of two first names, but bonus points for having a compound surname that sounds like either country directions ("I think she lives out on the bypass, at the glencross") or a country threat ("Imma cut that bitch if I don't glencross her first").

--Finally, since I know there are so many of you who found your way here because we're the top two Google results for "Doug Janik falls down" (check it, ingrates!), what about that time Doug Janik fell down tonight? Clock that one into the ol' spank bank, boys and girls.

Tonight's win felt fan-fucking-tastic. Let's do it again on Saturday against the Quacks.

Tonight's game was one of them flaming bags again...

2010-10-14T23:43:00.003-04:00

Good things about tonight's game:

During said game, I downloaded an Antoine Dodson soundboard for my Android. So I got that going for me.

Things that were bad about the game:

Things involving ice.

The cries of "Eat a dick Ozzie" were heard round the Twitterverse. Brad Stuart was apparently abducted before the game and replaced by Rig (or at least he played like that over-sized shit filled colostomy bag who attempts to play defense) . We all waited with baited breath for the Kari Lehtonen catastrophic injury that didn't happen (I had tonight in the office pool). A dumpster fire all around.

Here are some thoughts to cheer you up, because as you know, I'm a glass-half-full kind of cat:

1. Currently on VH1, Rocky 4 is on, right at the point Rocky is giving his "If I can change, you can change" speech that ended the Cold War.

2. Todd Bertuzzi didn't kill anyone...that we know of.

3. It's Friday.

4. Following up Rocky 4 on VH1? Road House.

Kick back and enjoy the weekend. There's a lot more hockey ahead.

Calm the fuck down.

2010-10-13T00:03:00.004-04:00

The Wings should not have lost tonight.

It is, however, early. No one should be worried at all. I saw it, a little bit so far. Some folks need to be talked off ledges...IN OCTOBER. Breathe, people. Deep, cleansing breaths. It is going to be ok.

How do I know this? So far this season you've seen the Wings be at times unstoppable. The beautiful, fluid motion we've seen in the past...we're seeing it, right now, at times. For the Anaheim game, we saw it for the entire game. At Chicago, we saw it less. Tonight, well, we saw some...but we also saw mistakes and letdowns.

It's a growing process. We're working in those few new pieces, and now we have a few injuries to worry about. Bottom line?

It's game three. Let's all relax.

On to some game-time thoughts:

1. Hey, Mr. Janik...Next time there's a fight, walk away. I'd prefer not to ever have to deal with seeing that again. Or maybe you could just fall down before it starts.

2. Peter Budaj - Is Budaj Slovak for "Worst goaltender currently playing not named Andrew Raycroft"? Just curious.

3. Peter Budaj's helmet is a complete fucking dumpster fire.

4. The Wings couldn't even get ONE in the shootout? Really?

5. Jimmy, friend, not your best work. The O'Reilly goal is a must stop 10 times out of 10.

6. Until he's retired, I will ALWAYS hate Adam Foote and his stupid damn face. Just the very look of him makes me wish someone would Kronwall him.

7. Kronner...Did you misplace the Harry Potter glasses tonight, sir? What the fuck was on your mind tonight?

8. So many things tonight, in flashes, looked amazing. Mule's dominance. Cleary is flying around like a crazy person (I think it's because he's still mad at me). Hudler (or Hooler, if you rather) looks great. So many things this season have looked great so far. Just gotta iron out the rough spots.

9. Not missed tonight? Ericsson's "physical presence". Hopefully someone gets the joke.

10. You will be missed Mr. Maltby. Hell of a career, sir.

That's my sleepy game for tonight. Just remember folks - It's going to be ok.

Dropping deuces on Chicago's little party

2010-10-10T00:39:00.006-04:00

Before we get to my thoughts on the game tonight, let's talk for a second about Chicago's little Stanley Cup party and their upcoming season...

Seriously, what the fuck was that?

I mean, really, what was that? What were you trying to do? You trot out every single member of the staff ever. You run a full montage of players who aren't there anymore to the tune of a shitty U2 song. You trot out Edzo to run off at the mouth about god knows what. I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to accomplish with your little "We're awesome!" dog and pony show, but I promise, it was way worse than you imagine.

So yes, celebrate. It's fine. Really. Because the way you donkey-punched your salary cap for the duration of Brian Campbell's life, well, it's the last one you'll see for a while, I'm sure. I'd feel bad for Q-Stache and the gang if I thought for a moment they were capable of feeling real feelings somewhere in the far reaches of their dark, empty souls.

So yes, on to my hockey-related thoughts for the weekend:

In regards to the Anaheim game - Fuck them. It's hard to waste a great deal of time hating a team that is terrible at hockey and not particularly good at anything outside of ridiculous thuggery. It was rewarding to see the Wings be able to move up and down the ice and do basically whatever they wanted for most of the game.

Jimmy looked stupid good against Anaheim. Almost makes you forget about the silly number of turnovers and odd man rushes allowed. It's hard to believe he's ours.

It looked like throwback Ozzie out there tonight against Chicago. He looked competent. Dare I say, even...good. Sure, goal number two was weak-ish, but he made a couple of great game-saving stops. Glad to see you back, sir.

Last note regarding goaltending - Marty Turco really looks like he's trying to do add a degree or two of difficulty, doesn't he? He makes basic shit look really, really clusterfuck-ish. Dallas fans probably giggled a little bit in the off season when they heard someone was paying him more than $10.50 an hour to do ridiculous shit (and be a starter, no less!). I bet they wish they could have afforded that extra $750,000 for Niemi's arbitration award, eh?

When your crunch time lineup in any way involves Mr. 21 points himself Tomas Kopecky, well, that doesn't bode well for your season (seriously, he was on the ice in the final minute! FOR REAL). Chicago fans would be fearful if they even knew he was on the fucking team. THEY ARE BANDWAGONERS, in layman's terms.

People who say Chicago won't make the playoffs are wrong. They will. They still have arguably the best top defense pairing in the league in Seabrook and Keith. They still have Toews and Kane. But, damn, are they top-heavy. It's like one good line and a complete abortion after that. When people like Kopecky, some guy named Pirri, and Fernando Pisani's ulcerative colitis are prominently involved, well, let's just say the word "repeat" won't be thrown around as much as Chicago's fanbase would like (whatever is left of it after the start of the season. BANDWAGONERS, that's what I'm trying to tell ya).

It's nice seeing Dan Cleary hooked up to the juvenation machine. As someone who has said previously I didn't like his game...nights like tonight and Friday change my mind. When he holds that puck till the last second, knowing he's going to get the shit knocked out of him, just to make a play...you need guys like him. My apologies, Buckets.

Hope you enjoyed playing last night, Rig, as I believe you've lost your job to Mr. Kindl. Good game by him.

A sweet game time observation courtesy of Nat - "Did Filppula attend the Briere and Leino school of not being a vag?" Why, yes, it looks like he did. Way stronger on the puck.

An overall observation - It's great to see Red Wings hockey this year. I don't mean the game itself, but the style of play. Skill through the neutral zone. Carrying the puck in. Not the same dump and chase, grind it out team we had last year. I missed this.

The top horses look as such again. Hank, Pav, they all look 100% better than last year.

And lastly - Todd Bertuzzi took a dumb penalty by basically riding a guy. Glad to see he's in mid-season form. I really don't mind that he's here, but I am saying his IQ is probably hovering somewhere around Brick Tamland territory.

Either way, it's great to see hockey back. Life makes sense again.

Oh, and a quick plug - If you have an Android phone, check out an app written by friend of the blog Crater. It's called NHL Hockey Feeds, and its neat/easy to use. Search for it in the Android market (either by its name, or author Michael J Gorman, if you rather) if you're interested in making it easier to follow your favorite team on Twitter.

I have to thank Nat for her contribution here. Without her, half these Chicago related quips wouldn't exist. Go Wings. Strong start to the season...

Welcome back, Wings. And welcome back to US

2010-09-25T11:19:00.003-04:00

With this post I'd like to officially reintroduce The Scrappy Octopus back into the blog world!

You missed us, admit it.

Sure, we may have taken the off-season pretty much off...But we just didn't feel like posting the 300th opinion on Mike Modano's lengthy decision making process. Here we are though back and ready for another Wings season. What better way to kick it off than with our first game recap of the season? First, however, a little background on who we are (for those who may have forgotten). Pay close attention.

We are two people who happen to be gigantic Wingz fans. The site was created by Natalie, who just so happens to love Aaron Downie and Thomas Holmstrum. I have been a Wingz fan since I was a wee little kid. My favorite player growing up? Yzermen, of course. I always had a soft spot for Ozgood, as well. We started this little corner of the world as a place to rant and say ridiculous shit about hockey and the Wingz. We believe Babcoc and Hollend to be brilliant and the Wingz to be the best run organization in hockey. In short, we've fully digested the Kool-Aid and 100% bleed Red and White. Our blog doesn't accomplish much. We write ridiculous shit in a small corner of the web. We're all about having fun over here.

We also like to think we know a little about hockey.

One thing we'll never claim to be, though--the go-to place for all Red Wings-related things. We will, however, care about what we're doing. We watch games and we talk about it here. We watch for absurd memes (the Wings are old or no one is critical of the Wings! OH NOES!!!) and dissect them. In short, we're just fans with an outlet. Oh, and we'll always spell Wings-related names right. Cause, come on, dedicated folks would at least look that shit up right? Cause, if not, you'd just look absurd (I'm sure you cringed as you read my intro paragraph. See what I did there?).

We'll also promise to never start our own podcast. Ever.

With all that being said - Welcome back to us. We missed you folks.

Some random thoughts on last nights pre-season game:

1. The part of pre-season that fascinates me most (other than just being super pumped that hockey is back) is the young player development. On that note...Brendan Smith could use a year in Grand Rapids, am I right? He showed some 'WOW' potential, but looked kind of lost at times.

2. It was great to see, even in a pre-season game vs. Chicago's B team (or, as you could also call it, their 2nd-5th lines and farm system), the Wings completely dominate play.

3. The 4th line of Emmerton, Mursak, and Owens was pretty damn good, wasn't it?

4. Random question - Is it absurd to say that Joey MacDonald looked better last night than last season's mail-in version of Ozzie? If, god forbid, Jimmy went down...Would you place last season's Ozzie in net or a Joey Mac that actually gives a shit? This coming from an Ozzie apologist (who is curious to see Oz tonight).

5. You could bring back a few players from the last time Chicago won a Cup (prior to last year).....and I'm sure they would be miles ahead of some of the turds who suited up last night.

6. Is it too early to call for Tomas Tatar as President of Space? That kid is something else and looked explosive as hell out there.

7. Jonathan Ericsson. Come on, buddy. You're better than that.

You'll have to take all my above thoughts and dial them back by like half, since it was only a pre-season game against Chicago's B team.

Some random thoughts in preparation for tonight's game:

1. Top-liner Jordan Owens...that should be cute.

2. I'm interested to see Bert on the ice tonight. Win me over, sir. With the moves the Wings made in the off-season, bringing in Modano, getting Hudler back, and re-signing EVERYBODY, Bert seems unnecessary. Yeah, I know, he's there and I have to deal with that. Some player I'd rather see will sit most of the season so I can enjoy the Todd Bertuzzi experience nightly. You know, that rollercoaster of occasional greatness, coupled with longer periods of invisibility and dumb penalties.

3. I'm placing the over/under of Aaron Downey game time tweets from Nat at 6. Welcome back, Aaron. You were missed.

4. Also excited for my first pre-season peeks at Kindl, Ozzie, McCollum, and Andersson.

In closing....Go Wings. We're happy you're all back.

Untitled

2010-08-30T12:01:00.046-04:00

Figuring out how to start the first post I've written in nearly three months is the blogging equivalent of debating whether to wave to someone you kindasorta recognize because you know that you'll most likely have to do that thing where you pretend like you were batting at a bug or attempting to take flight and NOT, in fact, claiming you know a complete stranger.

I couldn't even think of an appropriate title, so I'm leaving it "Untitled," hoping especially that you'll think of distracting mancreases (How does it feeeeee-eeeeeel?) and decide that you're still in love with us after all this time.

So, uh, yeah, hello again, friends!

Brian and I sincerely hope everyone has had a bonerific summer. I decided it was probably time to get back into the swing of writing after three things occurred: (1) HBFF Neuie pointed out that her Starbucks will start selling pumpkin spice Frappuccinos TOMORROW, which means fall is right at our (back)doorstep. (2) Another Neuie-inspired joint: The phrase "at least [insert number] Scrappy Octopi" became a term coined for when something happens really infrequently or happened long ago, such as "Todd Bertuzzi has been forced to gum it out for at least four Scrappy Octopi." (3) Someone informed me that even Google had turned cynical:

First things first: Because there's nothing we dislike more than unresolved bidness, we have something to say to the small faction of Wings' fans who jumped ship and cheered on the Hawks during their Cup run: See that big X in the upper-right corner of your screen? Please click it. Note that there's a tag on here entitled "I fucking hate the Chicago Blackhawks" that's as old as the site itself. Rivalries exist for a reason, and I'll give you a hint: That reason isn't so that we can jump on the newest, glitteriest bandwagon that shows up once our team is down for the count, even if said bandwagon happens to include Patrick Sharp and Jonathan Toews, who are OMFGCOPTERSOCUTE.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here goes--we're gearing down and keying up for the 2010-11 season. A brief (as if we'd spend more than 30 seconds on a list? puh-leeze...) list of things we are excited for heading into this brand new season, in no particular order:

1. Aaron Downey's slated appearance at training camp. OK, so this statement clearly applies to only 1/2 of the TSO staff. But the news that he was extended an invitation is cause enough for celebration. Dance party, anyone?

2. The re-signing of Helmer and Abdelkader, hereafter referred to as more fuckyeah than you can shake a stick at.

3. Long-term blog BFFs Petrella, Discher, and Hollis have joined forces by forming a triumvirate of mythical proportions. This includes rolling The Production Line and the Red Wings podcast now known as The Production Hour into one uber-conglomerate of awesomeness.

4. Welcoming Marty Turco to the Central Division.

5. Watching the majority of the Wings' roster pop their Geritol and hobble onto the ice using their canes in an old-fashioned race to the top of the West. Be careful not to choke on your horehound lozenges, boys! (This is the time of year when we most remember why we try not to pay attention to MSM. Attention 2011 NHL Yearbook: Pointing out that Bert is "showing some wear and tear" is akin to pointing out that the sky is blue and Roger Sterling is a silver foxxx. Duh.)

With training camp and the preseason mere weeks away, what are y'all most excited for? What's lit your fire and keeping you awake at night? Is it pondering the future successes of our goaltenders? Is it imagining the number of times Doug Janik falls down? (Brian's fave.) Is it vigorously debating whether Ruslan Salei looks more or less like a Craigslist personals' enthusiast than Ville Leino?

Let's go, Wings.

Summertime and the living's easy...

2010-06-04T09:39:00.025-04:00

And by "summer," TSO clearly means the area between approximately March 15 and October 1, when output from us is marginal at best and shiteous at worst.

I take full responsibility for our ineptitude as of late: Thanks to various members of the Wings' family Twitterati (I'm looking at you, Baroque and Andy), a burgeoning sense of shame and colossal failure resides in my soul. In fact, to quote one Baroque, "Allegedly you have a blog. It's been staring out of cyberspace with sad neglected puppy eyes lately." Combine that with Andy's, "Yeah I seem to remember you used to have a blog that used to be my favourite.." Also worth noting are the various "You're alive?!" exclamations we receive when we roll out of our burrows and surface on Twitter--kinda like varmint.

Maybe this is what deadbeat parents feel when a judge throws the book at them for failure to care for those whom they have brought into the world.

On second thought, maybe this is reason #9,246,821 why I should never procreate.

And now, because we still aren't completely at terms with Wings-less hockey continuing in June, we present you the following:

TSO Summer Survival Guide

1. Naked dance around the maypole to celebrate the triumphant returns of Lidstrom and Homer, and in Homer's honor, a night bonfire, complete with singing odes of joy into the night wind.

2. Tune in to the remainder of the SCF and cheer wholeheartedly for anyone who does anything vile to anybody on Chicago's roster. A-ny-one. The tag "I fucking hate the Chicago Blackhawks" has existed on this site practically from the start, and it overshadows any other grain of relative hate we typically feel for Pronger and semi-hate for Carcillo.

3. Start a Facebook movement: "Ville for Conn Smythe." We're so proud of the fact that we supported him from day one.

4. After the SCF have concluded, pass our time in various ways, most notably attempting great feats we've never had the time nor the inclination to do before, such as picking up Finnegans Wake...

5. ...and promptly putting it back down after half a page.

6. Finding a new go-to hairstyle for humor's sake now that fecal loaf Patrick Kane has ruined the mullet for all of us. My suggestion? The pompadour. Because what's more amusing than a hairstyle worn by Elvis that kinda looks like an asscheek? I don't know the answer to that.

7. Further my foray into the quotidian by becoming more of a gardening boss than I already am, releasing my rage one clump of topsoil at a time. In related news, the other half of TSO will probably commence searching for a new significant other whose true-age is not 75, whereas yours truly will be looking into retirement as a snowbird. Anybody know of a great condo in Tampa?

8. Finally get to clean out that TSO spam folder, which means learning of the inheritance owed to TSO, from when TSO's older, scrappier cephalopod ancestors found sunken treasure. Also, ascertain if the guy who promises, "I will pay you for clicking your mouse" knows what he's in for. Oh, and get that TSO bank account in Dubai straighted out.

In all seriousness, thank you to every single person we've met, conversed with, celebrated with, had a beer with, and hung out with, be it in person or online. Hanging with y'all on Twitter, conversing with everybody on TSO and other blogs, not to mention the H2H experience--it's made this season truly unforgettable. It's one thing to be a fan of the greatest franchise in professional sports. It's another thing to be friends with the greatest fans in the world. Thanks for everything you've given us over the past season and have a great summer. I mean, we'll talk lots over the summer and everything...if when we emerge before October.

TSO's 20 tips to Steve for great success as GM

2010-05-25T23:40:00.004-04:00

So, Steve Yzerman is the new GM in Tampa.

As I witnessed a bit on Twitter today there was some, um, mixed reactions. It's a bit sad, sure, but I think in the end we're all in the same boat - it stinks to see him go, but we're happy. We support him. Best wishes, Stevie. We celebrate you.

Along the line of being supportive, we here at TSO would like to offer up Steve some tips on winning favor with the city of Tampa. As you may know, Tampa is a big time retirement city chocked full of retirees. So, Steve, here are TSO's tips to win the favor of Tampa fans and endear yourself to the fanbase (items with an '*' are courtesy of Nat):

1. Make the stadium smell like mothballs.

2. Opening night puck drop done by Matlock.

3. Opening night national anthem courtesy of Angela Lansbury*.

4. All games start at 8 p.m. to accommodate Wheel of Fortune and the early bird special at Denny's.*

5. More specialized team logo merchandise. More specifically, team logo catheters and Hoverounds! (Catheters given away at Fan Appreciation Night.)

6. Move all team-sanctioned activities to local American Legion*

7. Tweak the Toast of Hockeytown concept to "Bingo with the Bolts!"*

8. Make the stadium more accessible to fans by somehow making sure people don't have to walk 15 miles to the stadium. Barefoot. In the snow. Uphill both ways.

9. Christmas charity donations to needy tots involve bundles of Susan B. Anthony dollars and horehound lozenges*

10. New specials in the concession stand involve tapioca, Geritol, and free Polident samples*

11. Intermission entertainment will be live feed of Larry King

12. Ice Girls in old school throwback poodle skirts*

13. Season ticket purchase now includes complimentary burial plot and team logo-embossed casket (logo headstone extra)*

14. Offer free clinics in name pronounciation so they can not refer to Russian players as "Reds" or "them commie bastards"

15. Revamp 3rd jersey to be old school actual sweaters, crocheted by the Red Hat Society*

16. Charity food drives will now accept only self-canned food

17. Give octogenarian Lightning fans a renewed sense of purpose and self-worth by bringing in Chris Chelios to be Steve's right hand man*

18. Rig the Jumbotron to include the Weatherbug application because you need to be aware of post game weather. You know, so you can know whether to ride your Rascal with the top down or not*

19. Onsite orthopedic hip surgeon. This speaks for itself.

20. Turn down that damn music, you hippie sound guy!

So, there you have it. We know Steve knows hockey, so hopefully these tips can provide him some direction in the things he may not know as much about.

Best of luck, Steve!

Let's make sure this is adequately bloated.

2010-05-06T23:37:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure somewhere Dany Heatly just demanded a trade.

So the Wings have staved off elimination for another day, winning tonight fuck you-1. A statement game that San Jose didn't seem to care about. And why should they? They are up 3-1. The Wings have to win three in a row, an extremely tough task against this San Jose team. Who knows if they can pull it off, but it was nice to watch the effort tonight. It's good when you can see your team move up and down the ice with ease and know that they can pretty much do whatever they want on the ice. We've not seen that Wings team often enough through the playoffs; I'm glad it happened tonight.

Since we've received some feedback stating this site doesn't provide much in the way of game analysis (and we at the Scrappy Octopus take all complaints seriously), allow us to provide our take on the game:

The Sharks shit the bed. Oh, and Joe Thornton acted a fool. Great leadership, guy.

So there you have it. It's simple when you break it down scientifically. Now, the Wings still have a huge hole to climb out of. It's going to be hard. McLellan is an amazing coach. Marleau, Thornton, Pavelski, Blake...it's a talented group. All the right role players. It's going to be a tough road. Tonight, however, the Wings started the first step in that process - they won tonight.

Three more guys. Oh, and Nat wanted me to quote her on something: "Abdelkader's fight was very Downey-like". Her words, not mine (though I feel her on that one). I'm pretty sure if Abby's right would've connected, it would've killed a guy.

Go Wings. Let's get this done.

"I don't want to talk about it."

2010-05-05T12:40:00.003-04:00

So said Homer in his FSD interview during the first intermission, specifically in reference to the garbage goal we coughed up to San Jose in, literally, the last seconds of the first period, after playing a commandingly strong game at both ends of the ice.

And that's how I've felt during this entire series.

Because how can we really talk about it?

Take yesterday's game. Yeah, we killed off all six penalties, had a chance at a penalty shot, scored four goals (one of which was overturned), all of which were scored by our typical postseason rockstars, and managed to show up in the faceoff circle. So, what the fuck happened?

Various people during my workday ask me how the Wings are doing during playoff runs. Smart move by them, as it's really all I'm capable of discussing during the spring months. My new-ish coworker is a complete and total sweetheart (yeah, yeah, my polar opposite--the joke pretty much makes itself); she has absolutely no interest in hockey, but she always makes a point to ask me how the games go.

In order to express my angst, I've sketched a little interpretive ditty of each conversation thus far following each game in Round 2:

And then...

And, in anticipation of talking to her tomorrow:

And yeah, for those of you who don't already Facebookstalk me, I am actually a purple troll with unkempt pencil hair.

I have no words to describe adequately and completely how I'm feeling right now. Angry? Of course. Frustrated? You bet. Nervous? Sure.

Despite the Wings' lack of cohesive play at various times throughout the season, I was in no way, shape or form mentally prepared to watch them give up the goals they gave up last night. I'm further in no way, shape or form prepared to deal with being down 3-0 in the series against a team that I've lambasted as a disappearing act the likes of which are incomparable unless Marian Hossa's present. It's such a scary set of numbers, isn't it? What does this even feel like? How is it that the Sharks have capitalized on every single instance of the proverbial "letting our feet off the gas" in this series? This is the composition of TSO's current existential funk.

It's amazing how far a 3-0 series deficit and a white-hot team like the Sharks can foster hatred in the heart of someone who already hates plenty as it is. Do I have any real reason to hate San Jose? Not especially. There's no equivalent of cockface extraordinaires Matt Cooke or Georges Laraque or Chris Pronger on the team to whom I can easily point and jeer, "Yeah, look at all those assholes at the HP Pavilion, cheering for that motherfucking prick." Speaking of the HP Pavilion, it's amazing how much the denizens of Silicon Valley show up for that team. Aside from the superlame shark jaw motion they do to rile up the team (because what's more invigorating than seeing someone munch his/her entire arms in your general vicinity? A whole bunch of nothing, that's what.) and the superlamer Styx-esque sound effects they play after announcing the names of goal-scorers, I have to tip my hat to a city that gets behind its team. Furthermore, the team as a whole has refused to get shaken up, even when down 3-1 for much of yesterday's game. And for fuck's sake, the laser-haired Todd McLellan is a former Babcockian acolyte. There's so much NOT to hate about this team...

...but I do, anyway, for the time being. Sorry if you disagree, kids, but perhaps you're stronger people than I. Right now, there's little more I hate than San Jose. Major-league genocide? Yeah, that's probably worse than the Sharks. People who cram their religious views down other people's throats? Yeah, they suck at life a tad bit more, as well. Uninvited rimjobs? Welllllll...that might be pushing it.

For crunch time during the last series, I put on my Pollyanna hat and professed my staying in my proverbial seat until the final seconds of Game 7. Obviously, the same is true for all of us in this situation, except instead of knowing that our team's fate will be determined in 60 +/- minutes from the first puck drop, in our only good-case scenario, we have four sets of 60 +/- minutes to endure. For residents of Hockeytown at Large, it means an awful lot of nail-biting, whiskey-guzzling, nipple-clamping, tears, and cheers until time runs out in Game 7. Hopefully, there are more cheers than tears.

P.S. One final thought on last night's game: I would have bet Patrick Marleau's eyebrows against him scoring the game-winning goal last night. One of the fine details that chaps my ass the most about this series is the fact that Marleau and Thornton have each scored game-winners against us after being mostly invisible for the duration of the postseason. Fuck me sideways.

I cannot write intelligently about this right now

2010-04-28T00:27:00.001-04:00

Round one - Fin.

Up next, San Jose. Sirs, you don't want this. You really don't, I promise. A Red Wings team playing like they did tonight....You don't want that. You really want to play Pavel Datsyuk when he's in "Fuck you, I'm Pavel Datsyuk" mode? You want playoff Hank? You want '70 Goals' Heatly trying to break Jimmy? You want to deal with a slightly competent Todd Bertuzzi?

The answer to all those questions, of course, if no. The Sharks can't like this tonight.

Wings nation gets to go to bed happy tonight. A great game in every way. Max effort from, oh, everyone. Even the worst players for us on the ice tonight were only above average instead of 'I just jizzed in my pants' amazing. Bryzgalov was great tonight in facing 50 shots and it wasnt nearly enough.

Fuck yes. Go Wings! I can't even begin to write something intelligible about this game yet. Thursday can't get here soon enough.

Game Sev--Can I actually type the rest?

2010-04-27T11:55:00.002-04:00

Last night I had the weirdest dream: I was the co-proprietor of a Red Wings blog, only I hadn't written a thing for it in nearly two weeks. I awoke in a cold sweat, my heart racing, my hair matted to my face, and I began forlornly crying out to the night winds.

Somewhere, I like to imagine, mine and Homer's night howls crossed paths.

This is what happens when your life--specifically, all the things that serve as buzzkills to your life--plants itself in the way of your more awesome pastimes.

And here we are, friends, at an all-or-nothing crossroads: the brink of the detested Game 7. How did we get to this point? More to the point, how is it that the Wings--a team barreling through the home stretch of the regular season like a pubescent boy with a fuck pass to the girls' locker room--have managed to find themselves pushed to the brink by a team that, for all its grit and grind and gusto, has not been insolvable for the Wings when the Wings pack their A-game?

In short, I have no fucking idea.

I watched the games just like the rest of you. I saw the Wings lose Game 1 in a close rout. I cheered during Game 2 when Hank sent curly fries and wet dreams to all from the high desert. I watched the Wings play a lackluster game last Sunday and again come up short, only to tie up the series once more with Jimmy's first career playoff shutout in Game 4. And on Friday, my drunk ass celebrated the Wings taking the lead in the series for the first time yet with grab-assing and drowning my hoorays in Jameson.

And then Game 6 happened. The Wings had a chance to close out the series at home. And they didn't. With a few short exceptions, there was little to no sustained pressure or coherence in the Wings' play, short of the first few minutes of the first period.

The few short exceptions:

1. Pavel Datsyuk, the ultimate playmaker, was responsible for the Wings' first goal due to his amazing vision on the ice. Fucking spectacular.

2. Henrik Zetterberg had one decent chance when he battled along the boards behind the net and plowed to the front with the puck.

3. Patrick Eaves played briefly like he remembered how awesome he was during the regular season for a couple of shifts during the Wings' various penalty kills during the second period.

4. Justin Abdelkader has played this entire series like a kid who belongs in the big house, and for that, we love him all the more than we already did.

But all in all, it wasn't enough. We can easily pick out goats from Sunday's game: Brad Stuart, despite scoring on the beautiful pass from Datsyuk, committed irreversible mistakes. Furthermore, I believe I caught Johan Franzen's face on a milk carton recently. And our penalty kill on Sunday? About as successful as karmic justice laying the proverbial smackdown on Marian Hossa. And didn't you just fucking know that the streak would be broken as soon as NBC flashed the graphic at the bottom stating we'd killed 19 consecutive penalties in the series?

So, what do we do now to bide our time until go-time tonight? This is the point in the post where I typically lighten the tone with a mindless video or a list of facetious tenets about our experience as Wings fans. But it just doesn't feel right.

I know I'm far from alone when I say that I'm not ready for a Game 7. I'm especially not ready for a first-round Game 7 in a series in which we've watched our team alternately play balls to the wall, then like a bag of ass. I lay awake until almost 3 a.m. last night, the nauseated knot in my stomach growing from a tangerine to a pomelo. (Impressed? Don't be. I don't know what the fuck that even means.)

The boys at The Triple Deke made one of the most honest and succinct points about the way many of us (my hand's raised here, too) initially react with our team's backs against the wall:

Go back and read some interviews or watch some video on some of these guys' reactions to getting knocked out of the playoffs and tell me it was because of "heart." Did Stuart fuck away a turnover because he doesn't care, or because of bad decision making? I think I'll take the latter....All too often I'm seeing trash comments that those same people dog on other team's bandwagon fans for, and it's embarrassing. I can be as pessimistic as the next guy, but dammit I don't act like I'm better than the fucking team.

Reading that post was the verbal equivalent of taking a deep breath/Quaalude/choose your own panacea. I tend to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario in order not to be disappointed--or wrong--in the face of said worst-case scenario. But after reading TTD's calling-out of babycrying, I had to ask myself: If we give up believing in our team before Game 7 even begins, what does that say about our fandom? Tonight, we'll gather our lucky charms (in this case, I'm pulling out the #19) and gear down for a great night of hockey. I refuse to leave my seat and exit the (proverbial) arena until the clock has run out, whatever the result may be. Otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

Let's go, Wings.

Finally, a complete game

2010-04-20T23:48:00.003-04:00

Tonights game was an actual playoff like effort for the Wings, so that was nice to see. You're not going to get a great deal of insight tonight, as it was a pretty stellar effort by everyone involved. Helm flew around and played like playoff Helm does. Zetterberg played like playoff Hank. Pav had more shoot. Jimmy looked great. Kronwall didn't drink before the game and looked good (prior to the game, I thought the best we could hope for was "not a total abortion", as he's been for the rest of the series; which sucks to say because I love Kronner). The biggest disappointment was that Drew Miller did not pound the shit out of Vernon Fiddler when he had the chance. So instead of intense post game recap action, I will give you a run down of the ridiculous shit Natalie and I do during the game:

1. Watched Jeopardy during the first intermission. I ran the MLB category; she outsmarted me in everything else (as per usual).

2. We also tuned into a bit of the Ottawa/Pittsburgh tilt; as we had a vauge interest in that series for reasons only we comprehend. Anyway, Alfredsson pots a beautiful one timer goal where a super acrobatic Fluery ALMOST made the save. My comment:

"You know who also would NOT have made that save? Regular season "I don't grasp lateral movement" Ozzie"

A good time was had by all.

3. We got irationally mad at Mickey for babbling on like a drunkard about the Filpula non-goal. Natalie was especially impressed with the crowd chanting "bullshit" though; as we're both big fans of rythmic swearing.

4. I've now taken to yelling "DOUGHY!!!!!" everytime Jimmy makes a save; or even chanting it when he's on a roll. Thanks for the image guys from The Triple Deke and Serven. But seriously, wow. Whatever works. I love Jimmy. Its nice to have a goaltended you KNOW can steal a big game when you need him to. Jimmy is intense, he loves what he does, loves Detroit.....my next jersey? Probably Jimmy. I really do love the kid. So yelling "DOUGHY!!!!!" I mean in a totally endearing way. Just wanted to get that heard before the jury.

A great, great game tonight Wings. Congratulations on your shutout Jimmy. Lets all do this again Friday.

Its the god damn playoffs....

2010-04-15T01:08:00.002-04:00

....play like it. Not fucking good enough tonight sirs.

This was, however, the perfect cap for an unadulterated dumpster fire of an afternoon. So thanks Wings for putting forth little effort after period number one. Thanks for making the Phoenix power play look like the 80's style Oilers.

But seriously - not good enough. By most everyone (everyone not named Nick, Hank, Pav, or Homer). Biggest slack ass of the night award:

Johan Franzen

Seriously guy, I love you, but I think you set our ginger movement back about 50 years tonight (I began to wonder if gingers in fact do NOT have souls). You could not have possibly played like any bigger of a wuss tonight. Crash the net you bullish mule fuck. YOUR GOOD AT THAT.

Too much to talk about here. I'm sure Nat will put forth something more intelligible tomorrow.

Stop! It's the mothafuckin playoffs.

2010-04-13T13:21:00.026-04:00

Playoffs.

Holy fuck.

It's finally here. All those months of agony and ecstasy, pleasure and pain, boners and buzzkills--and now we get to do it all over again.

It's a great day to be a hockey fan.

More specifically, it's a great day to be a Red Wings fan. My favorite Red Wings hat is perched atop my desk for all to see. (I triple-dog-dare a horrible Pens' fan to stroll in here and say a word--one. fucking. word.) Jerseys will be worn on casual ~~sex~~ Fridays. Red will be worn on every other game day during the workweek. Brian will be holding down the Winged Wheel in Atlantic City this Friday, sporting his jersey and always-awesome red stubbly pre-beard.

We're pulling out the big guns for the postseason, and we hope you'll join us. That's right: Get out your talismans, voodoo dolls, nipple-clamps and electro-powered boxsprings and come along for the ride.

First things first: Following the Olympic break, we instituted a creed here to get us in the zone for the final stretch of the regular season. Now, with a few tweaks and additions, we present you the following:

The Even More Newly Minted TSO Creed: Uber-Special Playoff Edition
1. We believe in the power of the 19th consecutive year the Wings have made the playoffs.

2. We believe Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Johan Franzen, Valtteri Filppula, and Tomas Holmstrom are on a white-hot roll and are just warming up, for sure.

3. We believe in the power of Jimmy Howard, rookie extraordinaire, to stop pucks with his aura. (Do the pucks even touch him?!)

4. We believe it's now Dan Cleary's lot in life to make Brian James look like a complete jackass. (It's working!)

5. We still believe in Mike Babcock. Period.

6. We believe in the unmatched awesomeness of our blueline, as well as our forwards who own both ends of the ice. (If someone's reading this who doesn't believe in that, I will fucking KRONWALL your ass.)

7. We believe in Patrick Eaves notching a Gordie Howe hat trick at some point during the Wings' playoff run. (And, since shootouts are a no-go, there will be no #Eavesing of oneself, only of others, which is not only tolerated but wholeheartedly encouraged.)

8. We still believe in the kill.

9. We will always believe in dancing with Lord Stanley in June. Period.

Game 1 versus the Phoenix Coyotes is tonight. Moments like right now are when I most wish I had a DeLorean. Why? So I could travel back to nine months ago, before I knew that the Coyotes would even stay in Phoenix, let alone make the playoffs, and place some huge bets. It's as surprising as my realization last weekend, approximately 20 years late, that I rock at batting left-handed. (Don't laugh. I had a painful childhood. My therapist tells me it's ok to say that in the face of adversity.)

The playoffs are such a magical time of the year. In addition to watching the Wings do their thing, there are so many other fascinating matchups to track. Home crowds ablaze in team colors, players trash-talking the opposition. Lots of #FuckYeah to go around. That brings me to our Wednesday question this week:

Which non-Wings quarterfinal pairing (either Conference) most interests/excites/titillates you?

I'm sure that Brian's answer will be Pittsburgh/Ottawa because of how much he loooves Ottawa. [Insert eye roll, for the sarcastically-challenged.]

Other than the Wings, I'm most looking forward to watching the Chicago/Nashville series. Division rivals who both play exciting, tight hockey; however, both teams still have their textbook "What ifs?" hanging over their heads. Will the Hawks' offensive power be too much for the Preds? Or will Rinne stand tall and give Chicago a run for their money? The Preds are one of those teams that come on strong against tough opponents and scare the shit outta me every time the Wings play them. That being said, you know whose side we'll be on. (Sorry, K of C.)

What say the rest of you? Who are you looking forward to watching?

Finally, per the usual, some standbys to get us really, really pumped:

The one where Dan Cleary gives a big "fuck you, jackass!" to me

2010-04-07T23:39:00.002-04:00

So i'm officially convinced Dan Cleary reads this blog. In my last post, I made some.....radical claims about one Mr. Dan Cleary. Specifically, I stated over the past few games, he had been outplayed at forward by Derek Meech. It was an admittedly poorly fleshed out point, as I don't feel I conveyed a key point - I don't hate Dan Cleary. I dig the things he does. He's a grinder, and he has alot of heart. He plays hurt and does the dirty work. I stick by the core of my thought that over a period of, oh, two games, Meech outplayed him. Cleary hasn't had a great season at all....

That havinbg been said - I am left with no choice but to think that he reads this, and I made him angry, therefore he set out on a quest to make me look like a complete jackass. And he's succeeded. And I couldn't be happier.

Since I wrote the blasphemous words about Dan, he's been on a serious heater. He at times looked like he was shot out of a cannon during the Philly game, and he scored a good goal tonight. He's looked great. So Dan, if you read this - I apologize. I shouldn't have doubted you. And to Wings fans - you're welcome. I take all responsibility for him playing well. I'm not saying its all me, but yes, I made this happen. ME. Or maybe Cleary is just good. Whatever.

Thoughts on tonights game:

1. Don't you feel for Steve Mason and Rick Nash? I mean, Mason has found his game again. Nash plays a good game. All of it wasted in Columbus. Demand a trade or something guys. Columbus is a shit hole anyway.

2. I think Nat may have shit herself just a bit when Eaves got in a fight. A pretty bad ass moment if you ask me. We need someone like that.

3. So i'm sure some of you are in the same boat as we are between periods - We sometimes skip the intermission show. I feel like Mickey York is yelling at me, nothing exciting normally happens.....so we watch something else during intermission. I'm ninja like stealthy with the remote too; always back in time for the start of the next period. Anyway, tonight I switched over to the History Channel (or something like it) and they had a show called "Life After People". I had seen the special before, but not the actual series. Tonights episode - what happens to bodies after everyones dead? Interesting topic. So I tuned in....and it was NOTHING like the description. Old dudes talking about eating 10,000 year old mastodon meat. Apparently in the 30's they found some at one of the poles. And they ate it. Surprisingly, they said it didn't taste good. I can't imagine why. At the time, it was insanely bizarre that this actually happened....

4. I could be a total crazy person, but I swear I saw TPL Mom when they showed a late view of the crown. Can anyone confirm this? I'm probably crazy.

5. An up and down effort tonight, but Flip, Hank, Z, Homer, and Mule all had great nights. Our best players are playing like it....look out world. As Drew has stated very well at NOHS - I find it hard to believe anyone wants to face the Wings in the first round. You'd be crazy to want that.

6. Underrated athletic feat - The Bell Tire mascot tire thing, in the new Belle Tire commercial....he has some mad ups. You know, at the end, when he hops from the floor to the stack of tires. In proportion to the size of the mascot, thats high up for him, and he leaps up WITH ROOM TO SPARE. Maybe the New Jersey Nets should give that kid a tryout....

7. Murph seems especially drunk tonight. I love Murph, he's a great announcer, and he seems like a nice guy.....but watching him slur over "assertive" and "solvent" tonight - wow.

8. The playoffs are oh so close. I, for one, can't wait. Go Wings. Oh, and a parting video, because I can (and its hilarious to me; for the first minute or so anyway):

Holy shit, Homer!

2010-04-06T17:09:00.027-04:00

Per Khan (and an extra-special high-five to saraneuie for the link), TSO's most favorite, Tomas Holmstrom, is the Wings' nominee for the Masterton Trophy, which is officially the League's award for most "sportsmanship, leadership and perseverance", or, as we like to say around these parts, being the biggest fucking boss that we've seen thus far.

Homer, man of so many poetic words, summarized his elation at learning of his nomination thusly:

"Oh, I'm honored,'' Holmstrom said.

This isn't your first trip to town. You know exactly how TSO feels about Homer. We jumped up and down for joy when Homer scored career goal #200 in December. We made him a get-well card and promised to pour out some MD 20/20 upon learning of his injury. I changed all the fucking pictures on this site to Homer's while he was sidelined. ~~I got arrested but never indicted for that time I got stuck in Homer's cul-de-sac in the middle of the night with a flashlight, a crowbar, and a Jultomten costume.~~ Bottom line: Homer rocks our socks.

With that in mind, I present you the following:

TSO's Open Letter to the Powers-That-Be Behind the Scenes
To Whom It May Concern:

It has recently been brought to the attention of The Scrappy Octopus that the scrappiest motherfucker ever, Tomas Holmstrom, is eligible to be named as a finalist for the Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy.

We understand that in order to keep up appearances, you still have to announce three finalists--you know, in an effort to coddle egos and create a pseudo-element of surprise. We fully expect that come June, the award will be Homer's.

In the interim, please ponder the following reasons why TSO believes it is in your best interests to hand the award over to #96:

1. First, the obvious: the location of Homer's office. Do you know what it's like to go to work every day in the absolute direst of environments? Probably not. Your office is most likely located in a cushy canopy of daffodils and rainbows. Imagine going to work every day on a train ride to hell with fire-roasted seats and the sound of Rosie O'Donnell's laughter playing on a continuous loop on the loudspeaker, forcing you to pray for the train to reach its destination, only when the train opens its doors, you find this waiting for you:

And sometimes, you get this instead:

And on really shitty days, you might come across this:

Yeah. Them apples fucking suck ass, don't they?

2. Homer's primary task is to plant his derriere in the faces of opposing goaltenders in the hopes of screening them from seeing shots or positioning himself for a quick deflection into the back of the net. To put this into perspective, imagine giving a grinding lapdance to this guy:

Kinda looks like the type who may or may not get a boner from the delightful combination of solitude, strychnine, and scrotum surface area.

3. Homer started off this year in a blaze of glory. Remember that time, not so far in the distant past, when he led the team in goals? For Christ's sake, he notched an assist on each of the three Wings' goals scored in the outing against Nashville this past Saturday. He has arguably been the most consistent player in terms of production on the team during this rollercoaster-shitfest of a year, despite being sidelined on two separate occasions due to injuries.

4. Homer's always doing work. Always. He works his ass off along the boards. He is one of the least polished skaters on the team, but how many games do we all watch him lumbering down the ice at Homer-mach-five to attempt to negate an untimely icing call or to outwrangle some asshole for control of the puck? The correct answer is every fucking game. If that's not perseverance, then fuck me sideways.

The bottom line is that in terms of surpassing expectations and in maintaining his work ethic and production in spite of adversarial circumstances this season, Homer's done it all. Somewhere deep down, you've gotta believe that his determination served as an inspiration to his teammates along the way, particularly as the Wings struggled with so many injuries this season.

So, in short, give him the fucking trophy. You don't really want to deal with a pair of scrappy octopi in Jultomten costumes at your door, do you?

We trust that you'll make the appropriate decision.

Very respectfully yours, for sure,
The Scrappy Octopus

WE ARE THE CLITSOME COMMANDER!

2010-04-01T23:23:00.003-04:00

A little Jay and Silent Bob shout out in the title. Your welcome. Grant Clitsome. I'm sorry, but at every age, that name should be funny. Maybe I just never grew up; and i'm ok with that.

So about tonight's game:

1. Jimmy! Other than his, um, errant pass, leading to the first goal, our boy Jimmy was great tonight. At tons of points, this kid saved our fuckin' bacon. Haven't we sort of become accustomed to this?

2. Why did Jimmy have to save our bacon? Beacuse of sloppy play early. Periods of the game were dominated by the Wings at both ends of the ice, however, several horrible sloppy turnovers and general shite led to several good chances. Thank god it was Columbus and not someone, you know, good.

3. JIMMY!!!

4. Man, Steve Mason got the shit knocked out of him several times didn't he? Good game by him. Thank god for us he plays for Columbus. Other than Mike "rollin' in dough" Commodore, I dare you to name two other defensemen for this team.

5. Bert's "Goal" - that wasn't actually a goal right? Thoughts from everyone on this one? To me - not a goal. I'm with Murph on that one. Odd that i'm siding with the drunk guy. Did you see Bert talking to Murph during the video review? I'm dying to know what thats about. What would they talk about? Did Bert compliment Murph's sweet tie tonight? Was it a mini-intervention for Murph? Were they discussing Bert's lack of teeth? My curiousity gets the best of me.

6. When is Jimmy getting a rest? Since he had the Olympic break off, does he even need a rest? TSO PREDICTION - Sunday vs Philly, we see the return of Oz.

7. When Val got ran into the boards late in the game.....wern't you a little disappointed no one went after Methot? What the fuck is a Methot anyway? I mean, it was kind of a maybe bordering on shitty hit. This would never be allowed to happen if Todd Bertuzzi were still alive.

8. Every line is clicking right now. Isn't that a great feeling? The top two lines? Amazing. Bottom two? Doing what they do well. Which leads me to....

9. CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT ALERT! I'd REALLY like some of our hockey playing readers opinion on this. I know your out there. I've never been the biggest fan of Dan Cleary. Nice guy, generally a pretty hard worker. A grinder. He does the dirty work. I get his value. To me, the things he does, I think others do them better. Doesn't make him a bad guy, he just is what he is. To me, thats a third or fourth liner; and by that I mean fourth liner. But he's generally rocking on the second line. I hope when he comes back Babs doesn't break up that current line. Anyway, to the controversial statement......

Hasn't Meech looked better at forward these past few games than Cleary was before he got hurt?

Just my observation. Meech is very serviceable at forward, which makes you wonder why he just doesn't convert. Anyway, to me, he's played better of late. He takes care of the puck, has some speed and a shot. He grinds in corners and hits. Maybe he isnt quite as strong, but to me, things are humming with him there in a way that they may not necessarily when Cleary's there skating into the zone, peeling off to the wing, and turning the puck over. I dunno. Its one guys take. Thoughts from the hockey playing contingent out there? I know Cleary would NEVER sit in lieu of Meech when he comes back, and maybe thats correct. I just know what i've thought over the past few games.....

Overall, not a lot to complain about. The Wings pain train keeps on a truckin. #fuckyeah!

Doing the Grownup.

2010-03-31T12:30:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is the first Wednesday that's come along where we haven't been completely inebriated (see: St. Patrick's Day) or completely limp-dick useless (see: H2H week).

So, here it is, Wednesday, and we actually have two questions for you today. First things first:

Which former Red Wing would you give a solid 5 years off your life to return to the team?

Without a doubt, I choose Aaron Fucking Downey.

Ever since I started this site, I wanted to do a tribute to Downey, and after bonding with Chris from NOHS at H2H about our mutual love for the guy, I decided now's as good a time as any to do it.

Downey is one of the most ridiculously entertaining fighters ever. Look at the way he just straight up wails on his opponents. I dare you to start watching clips of his fights and be able to turn away any time within the next two hours. In fact, I'm only posting two of them here:

Also, he is obviously the best ever at conversating for a few:

Finally, did we mention he's a phenomenal dancer?

I miss Aaron's scrapiness on the team; he was one of those old-school players who stand up for their teammates when they're victims of questionable hits. Can you imagine what he would have done to Laraque that time that bastard took out Kronner? And, you know, he actually won fights, even ones that weren't premeditated. (I'm looking at you, Brad May.) I was devastated when the Wings didn't resign him. I'm always looking forward to the day when he comes back. I know, I, for one, will gladly pitch in $10/day to make this happen.

And now, to commemorate the very real fire that burns in my heart for Downey (seriously, Aaron, if you're reading this, hit us up at TheScrappyOctopus@gmail.com to discuss dancing with some real pros), here's a long-distance dedication:

Oilers game recap/OMFG I BEST WATCH MY POTTY MOUTH

2010-03-31T00:01:00.003-04:00

I'm of one mind about this game:

Two points is nice.

Doesn't matter the way they came tonight. All told, a great performance from the boys tonight. They played hard for MOST of the game, which is better than earlier in the season when it was only like a period they showed up for, or worse, the whole game. What is it that makes the Oilers get geared up for the Wings? Do they do meth and eat babies to get jacked up? I'm picturing Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers putting on his mask and head-butting Devan Dubnyk until he's unconscious. Maybe some metal playing in the background. I don't know. Fuck if I understand this Oilers team. (Quick sidebar - I'm going to try my hardest to boost the swear/ridiculous count for this post today due to the Twitter controversy. wish me luck!)

So anyway, back to tonight's game:

1. Am I the only one out there who doesn't have much to complain about tonight's game? Defense looked good, save for the brief collapse, great. Sure, that won't win playoff games, but with the streak they've been on, aren't you entitled to one lapse here and there?

2. Jimmy looked....human tonight. And that's ok, too, as he's carried this team of grown-ass men most of the season. Maybe he gets a rest soon? Maybe we see Ozzie in one of the weekend games? Or maybe one of Jimmy's limbs fly off due to exhaustion. I have no idea. Babcock is the smart one.

3. One of the stories on ESPN's NHL page - "Wings blow four goal lead", with no mention of the fact that they actually won the game. That's curious.

4. Jeff Deslauriers doesn't look like a bad goalie. I wonder what he'd be like on a good team? Of course, his Air Jordan impression on the 4th goal....ewwww.

5. And since I have nothing else to add for tonight's game, a brief touch on today's Twitter #fuckyeahH2H controversy.......

My advice to anyone in life about anything - Know what you like, and if you don't like something, you're not required to read it. If I decide to use the term I just invented, fuckshitasswipehole, in a sentence, I do so knowing it might not be for everyone. Those who aren't cool with that.....awesome! Maybe this isn't for you, and that's ok. If you asked me, I'd probably not recommend you read anything I write or even listen to me in a conversation. Ever. All these things are ok. The problem, however, comes when someone tries to suggest that H2H doesn't mean anything or in some way is now irrevocably ruined forever due to the fact that someone used the tag #H2Hfuckyeah, or whatever the hell started it. ZOMFG I CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE EVER DARED TO SWEAR! OH SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE MY EYES/EARS/DELICATE SENSIBILITIES FROM THINGS I'M NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED TO READ. THIS WILL VIOLATE EVERY CHARITABLE ACT THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

Even thinking about it in retrospect is slightly absurd to me. And maybe it wasn't even a huge deal, and MAYBE I'm even trying to pad this post as I'm too tired to write a recap that's worth a shit. But sometimes, stuff is ridiculous and needs to be mentioned as such.

That having been said: Wings, don't give your fans heart failure like you did tonight. The hot streak is still alive!

...The Kind You Clean Up With a Mop & Bucket

2010-03-30T17:20:00.003-04:00

So, in light of today's Twitter feeding frenzy about the merits of dropping hard F's and whatnot onto the internets (man, what a fucking buzzkill), TSO has decided to renovate the site. Sorry if you kids turn into a bunch of sad pandas, but no more visions of glued-up dickholes, no more references of fuckwads/assfucks/sumbitches/SNBs/taint problems, no more gratuitous hyperlinks to TPL and all their jailsexing, and definitely no more shitting the bed--anyone's bed. They say that every good time comes to an end, so here it is.

To give you a little sneak peek into what the new and improved (and squeaky clean!) TSO looks like, I present you the following hypothetical game recap of the Nashville experience on Saturday:

Title: Holy Christopher and Gee-Willikers, That One Sure Was Close!

Some of the #H2H (#fudgeyeah) kids gathered at the Town _____, a non-offensive place for adults where I had a couple of Shirley Temples to watch the Red Wings take on the Predators. It was a completely nonthreatening environment in which the harshest thing said was "Someone is about to go #Eaves himself," which I think is just a silly term meant to mean somebody is about to grow a really sweet set of eyebrows.

Anyway, the first 60 +/- minutes of the game were pretty _____ lame. I think I heard Serven exclaim something about how games like that are just so motherhubbarding flusterating because you never know what to expect! LOLZ!

The overtime and shootout were pretty _____ nerve-wracking! I just wanted to tell _____ Rinne to go to h-e-double hockey sticks. During the first few rounds of the shootout, Datsyuk was a _____ . Williams was a _____ . Zetterberg was a _____. Finally, Bert scored because he's a total _____, but the Preds answered with their goal. When Kronwall finally scored the game-winning shootout goal, I felt like taking off my _____ and _____ it up with my _____.

Oh, _____ on a _____ . It's no _____ use, is it, _____ers? A Scrappy Octopus without swearing is just like a _____ _____ without a _____ to _____on. In fact, this is the first time in my entire _____ life I can say I know what _____up _____hole must feel like. Without the ability to _____ up a _____ , I really feel like some mother_____ er took my _____ _____, _____ ly ripped it out of its _____ place, and _____slapped it to _____oblivion. A _____ hockey fan without the _____ ability to say _____, _____hole, _____er, _____happy, _____-me-sideways is like a _____ _____ around a bunch of _____ hot _____tutes at the _____ kegger of the year. _____ useless, man.

_____ a bunch of that _____ing _____.

And now, please skip ahead to 0:42, _____ers:

H2H: 2 Legit 2 Quit

2010-03-29T14:47:00.022-04:00

How many ways can one summarize the weekend at large? Awesome, excellent, fantabulous, gnarly, amazeballs, bombass, #FUCKYEAH.

The Scrappy Octopi are back in wild, wonderful West Virginia, where it's warm enough to wear the dress I had foolishly packed to Detroit (with rainboots, no less--if you didn't get a chance to realize how cool I am over the weekend, now you know), and we are missing the living hell out of Michigan and all you fabulous people.

Our thoughts on the weekend as a whole:

--Seeing Herm get to experience all of the fabulous things the H2H crew had planned for him was an indescribably fantastic experience. I can't imagine the high you're feeling, Herm. We didn't get to meet him until the pregame party on Friday, but we did get a glimpse of him while we were entering Old Shillelagh late on Thursday night. He was leaving, and we didn't quite realize it was him until we stopped the The Triple Deke boys, whom we vaguely recognized from all the internet stalkings we perform on the daily. Anyway, seeing Herm that first time, in passing, was that feeling I always imagined myself having as a 12-year-old standing on a rope line to meet A.J. from the Backstreet Boys. Fucking awesome, man. (Alternately, it could be how Brian would feel at any given point in time upon meeting Gerard Butler. Yuuuuum!)

--The H2H "War Room" deserves all the accolades they've been receiving all over the place, and then some: Jen, Hollis, Serven, Petrella, and Ellen all worked their asses off to ensure that Herm--and all of us--had the time of our lives and to get those moneys for the Children's DMC. Many thanks all around to everybody instrumental in the nuts (giggle) and bolts of the H2H operation.

--Everything you've ever read about Dena and I being soulmates? Absolutely, positively true. Times a bajillion. The reason Kronner scored the game-winning shootout goal on Saturday? He felt the power of her Swedish flag underwear burning through the airwaves. For the record, we were never even properly introduced; Petrella simply brought her over to where I was at the H2H pregame and she did the universal signal for Hey-You-Soulmate-Person, and I instantly fell in love.

--Sara/saraneuie and Amanda/Nurse Nitz are two of the most kickass fans--and kickass people--ever. TSO feels complete after seeing the ladies' "More Shoot" and "Dangle Dangle" homemade T-shirts in person. For the record, Sara's birthday was yesterday, so if anybody missed out on it, you can hop over to her site and send her lots of good wishes, preferably in the form of one Johan Franzen being UPS-ed to her residence. I'm sure she'll give you the shipping details if you hit her up.

--Petrella wearing the SHIRTUZZI was everything I could have hoped for and more. Also, it's worth noting that the moment I met Rob (who, judging by his recent travels, either hasn't been to his home in 74 years or is an actual hobo) and his brother John was the moment TSO was presented with our fabulous TPL-autographed photo of Casey's She-Tuzzi creation. Time. Stood. Still. TSO's only regret is that we didn't get to hang out with the Discher boys more, but alas, they were off to their next destination before we knew it, like elusive butterflies who managed to slip out of our nets. (TSO is currently embroiled in a dispute with one half of TPL for the right to dib the other half of TPL. We'll let you know how this settles on the flip side.)

--Brian and I are proud to be card-carrying members of the I Heart TPL Mom Club. (TPL Mom, we'll be sending you those adoption papers later in the week to sign and have notarized. Yeah, it'll make Brian and me some sort of weird quasi-relation, but we'll work out those kinks later.)

--As a Wahoo, I never knew I could muster up enough emotion and chutzpah to say I heart a Hokie until I met Casey and his equally awesome roommate Shawn. I'm telling you, this is how international relations should work. Can you imagine? Oh, there's a new round of Irish car bombs going off in Belfast? Fuck, put them in a room with some hockey and Boddington's and let them bond. Works every time.

--Tyler and Brent from the TTD are every bit as hilarious in person as their site and videos have you suggest. I was a tad bit disappointed that they didn't sport the awesome sweaters/turtlenecks they wore in their clips, but that's neither here nor there. It was excellent hanging out with the two of them at the Town Pump; thanks for letting me terrorize your table intermittently throughout the night.

--Speaking of terrorizing, when we finally moved to our real seats at the Joe, we found ourselves seated next to Chris of NOHS fame, and we're fairly certain Brian pushed the boundaries of legal harassment of Chris regarding goaltending as it relates to Josh Harding. We met (Animal) Drew after the game, too, and we can confirm that these guys are the real deal: nice as hell and completely gracious when dealing with their rabid fans' enthusiasm.

--We had the pleasure of hanging out with Kris for both games and the aftermath, and we had a blast--Kris and her friend Gaby sat on the other side of us when we committed to our actual seats. In fact, I'm not sure if you all know this or not, but Kris is actually a ninja--I discovered her stealth-ful abilities first-hand this weekend. I'm pretty sure this translates into her being able to slip into the locker room undetected. I'm just saying...

--MauvaisGardien and silvrbuttrfly, awesome ladies who I'm pleased to have gotten to know better during Friday's festivities, especially since it meant downing a shot that made me feel minty clean afterwards! (No, but seriously, you CAN'T drive back to Toledo, now, right?)

--Speaking of shots, downing a shot of Jameson with jennyquarx was everything I could have hoped for and more.

--Voox wins the award for snazziest hat at H2H, hands down.

--There were some folks we got to meet whom we didn't get to spend quite as much time with, but the pleasure was all ours nonetheless: Jessie of Bingo Bango, Greg/captnorris5 of The Winged Wheel, Twitter buddy Norm (who loooves traversing the Ohio Turnpike just as much as we do!), Sara (who we discovered has impeccable taste in dresses), members of the 19 Andrew from Ann Arbor (whose Datsyuk-autographed stick we plotted to steal, to no avail), Lo, jennemyofthesk8, and Baroque97, among so many others.

It was truly a blast. Petrella said it best in his recap over at TPL that "H2H2" has a high bar to cross for besting this past weekend. Let TSO join the chorus of voices out there who have already expressed the sheer joy associated with finding yourself surrounded by people who "get it": the sheer obsession we have with this hockey team we all love more than life itself. Fans of other teams? Eat your fucking hearts out. Red Wings Nation rocks, balls out.

And now, we'll simply look forward to that playoff party in the D, already being pimped by Serven & Company on the Twitterverse.

Thanks to everybody for the best weekend in the history of weekends. Period.

Hockeytown in 24.

2010-03-24T13:00:00.002-04:00

Much has been said about H2H on this blog, but little sums up the awesomeness we're feeling knowing that in T minus 24 hours, we'll be on the road and Detroit-bound for the greatest experience a fan can have. This is our last full day on the job before embarking on our 8-hour trek, and to be honest, our mental capacities are about as useful as a limp dick on prom night. Let's just say we're looking forward to the following:

--meeting Herm, who just Tweeted that he's leaving for the airport soon, which means that Herm to Hockeytown is that much closer to becoming Herm in Hockeytown

--hanging out with the most amazing bloggers, commenters, and Tweeps ever

--going to our fourth game at the Joe under such awesomely fun circumstances

--basking in the awesomeness that will come with Petrella sporting the T-shirt of his dreams, commemorating the special bond he has with #44. (A special shoutout to Hollis for enlisting us in this particular bit of debauchery.)

--hanging out with Sara and Nurse Nitz, the fabulous ladies who make the most awesome English/Swedegian T-shirts and collages ever for the Mule, Pasha, and pretty much everyone else.

--playing this song at volume 11 and running, arms outstretched, to my presumed soulmate, Dena. Later, I suspect we'll later be watching Dena get kindly escorted into the back of a cop car for offering--a little too literally--to be Kronner's jockstrap. (Dena, because you're not on Facebook, which means we can't stalk one another, I'll be the girl in the Homer jersey over by the bar, putting out the vibe.)

--pouring one out for our bud Krononymous when we pass by Cleveland on the interstate. (No, really, this WILL happen.)

--exchanging all kinds of U.Va./Tech jokes with Casey, our favorite Hokie

--goading Brian into performing one of his awesome dance numbers, including, but not limited to, pseudo-cartwheels, lethargic gun-waving motions, riverdancing, the mamushka, the robot, the worm...anything goes at H2H. (Seriously, I'll probably need some help convincing him to do this, so I highly expect all persons reading this to help me coax and goad.)

--TIMBITS!

--waking up with the best, most well-earned hangover ever on Saturday ~~morning~~ afternoon.

TSO wants to extend its appreciation to all the people who worked their asses off to make this possible. And by "appreciation," we not only mean "thank you," but also, you have a virtual coupon for one grinding lapdance from Brian, to be redeemed at a time and place of your choosing.

Happy H2H, everyone!

Jimmy's facial to Sid? Icing on a sweet cake.

2010-03-22T22:51:00.003-04:00

Would everyone out there agree that this was the single best game the Wings have played this season? I know the snap judgment in society dictates that everything that just happened is the biggest, best thing of all time, but tonight's game was a total and complete effort. 60 minutes of badass, we're the Detroit Red Wings and we're going to dick punch you until we're bored, and then we're going to give you the old Cleveland Steamer for shits and giggles (you may be asking "Who would provide the steamer?" I'm glad you asked. Brett Lebda. You can just tell by looking at him. Doesn't make him a bad person, just different).

My thoughts on tonight's game:

1. Nice game by, oh, everyone. I literally have nothing to complain about. Even in victories I can usually find something to nitpick. Not tonight.

2. Jimmy should've had the shutout. Damned weirdass bounce in front. Oh well. He'll have to settle for a win against the asshat Penguins. Good consolation prize.

3. I know he didn't have two goals tonight, but Datsyuk was just amazing on the ice tonight. During one of the power plays, he was kind of a one-man power play out there with chance after chance. He created, he took control of the game, and onwed that shit tonight. Good on him.

4. Derek Meech had a good game in limited ice time. Did you read that correctly Pens? DEREK MEECH looked serviceable against you tonight. As a forward. The position he does NOT play on the regular.

5. This was the first Vs. broadcast we've seen this season due to the petty, childish Direct TV/Comcast feud (for the record - TSO was extremely pro Direct TV, as Comcast is the devil). Pens vs. Wings, you would expect, oh, I dunno, an NBC style broadcast......didn't happen. No excessive fawning over the Pens. The Red Wings got mentioned, so that was nice. But Doc and Edzo were.....good. Which makes me appreciate how shitty NBC's coverage of hockey is. I mean, for me, I didn't have much to compare it to. Vs was blacked out all season and I've never had it before. Local Fox Sports and Comcast sports channels do a good job. But kudos to Vs. It was also nice to NOT see Pierre McGuire or Milbury.

6. Good game Wings. Jimmy, Z, Pav, everyone.

On a totally separate note, H2H is fast around the corner. Since this might be the last time I post before then (unless that crafty Nat talks me into another game recap!), I just wanted to express how exciting this is. I mainly thought of all this tonight because I just reserved our car for the trip (full size baby because TSO is stylin'). Charity, hockey, and a chance to hang with the best blog community in the world.......amazing. I mean, folks chipped in, and now we're shipping up a guy from Brazil to see a Wings game! AND we raised a bunch of money for charity. AND Michael Petrella is going to wear a fabulous Bert tribute shirt. Life is good. Can't wait to meet everyone!

You mean to tell me it's a Wednesday and it's acceptable to drink and write?

2010-03-17T09:27:00.025-04:00

(Puh-leeze. Like we're deterred from drinking and writing any other day.)

Happy St. Patrick's Day, heathens! May the road rise up to meet you, at least enough to catch your vomit so it doesn't splatter all over your shoes.

Anybody got any good plans for the day's festivities? If you're still looking for something to do, you're totally welcome to come to our haunt tonight. As a matter of fact, I've drawn up a little invitation:

So, what we have on the agenda is me presenting a shamrock to Homer, who's totally attending our shenanigans, then the three of us (plus you) are going to get drunk off some Jameson, then we're going to steal a Guinness truck, then we're going to get rich from selling the Guinness we don't drink (and we're totally cashing it in for golden medallions, hence the image of Ballin' B doing a pot-o-gold dance), and then we're going to wrap it up by eating some Irish stew and drinking some leftover Guinness.

Anyway, the Wings are off until Friday after winning thrice. (Love that word--doesn't it just sound dirty, like thrust? Thrice thrust? Thrust thrice? I promise I was going somewhere with that.)

I was typing something to my pal saraneuie the other day, and I was talking about H2H, and I typed, "...next week at H2H", and I got giddily excited. Next week, y'all! If we're excited, imagine how Herm feels.

So, it got me to thinking: So many of us are descending upon Hockeytown from all over the place--perhaps not as exotic and faraway of a place as Brazil, but it's fascinating nonetheless to think of how spread out the community of Wings-based friends is.

So, in honor of all the special places we individually hail from, as well as all the togetherness and other warm and fuzzy feelings we'll be experiencing at H2H, I present you with today's ~~question~~ demand:

Tell us something awesome about your hometown and/or current locale.
Brian and I hail from a very small town, the population of which is 653, according to the 2000 Census. Neither of us have ever lived within the town limits, but for the record, the county proper has a grand total of four stoplights.

Our town is known for being the country's first spa; George Washington and various other colonial VIPs used to chillax in the constantly 74-degree mineral waters that still draw visitors from the DC area. I guess you could say that to our Founding Fathers, this area was the Champagne Room for ballers only.

We also have a WWII-era movie theater with one screen, typically showing new-ish releases about eight weeks after they first hit normal theaters, a mom-and-pop gas station where high schoolers exchange bullshit and blowjays, a coffeeshop where most of the coffee flavors taste like pee, a bar out in the sticks with a built-in Patsy Cline museum, one newspaper serving the entire county that's only published on Wednesdays (current headline: "Sheriff & commission clash over staff duties"), and a tiny church on just about every mile-long stretch of highway in the countryside.

But the thing that makes our town unique from other small towns in our region is that we have a castle.

It was built sometime in the 1800s by a rich old dude who'd married a young hottie, and of course, he wanted to impress her. In true dramatic fashion, he constructed the castle on a ridge high atop the town, so from the castle's turret she could look directly down upon the town park and see the outlying areas of the town at large. The wife lives on in legend as the host of the grandest and most debauched parties (and no, for the record, TSO does not trace its lineage back to her, although it would be kickass).

What about you guys? What's the deal with where you live? What puts your location on the map?

And one more time, happy St. Patrick's Day:

Hero

2010-03-16T00:02:00.001-04:00

Back in the saddle!

2010-03-13T21:27:00.014-05:00

Thanks to a Wings' victory tonight in overtime over Buffalo, we're sitting pretty in the eighth seed, until at least tomorrow night, when current nemeses Nashville and Calgary take to the ice in their respective games.

TSO is comfortable yet slightly underwhelmed at the Wings' effort tonight. They came out for the first period, guns blazing, rattling two goals off early in the period, thanks to magic courtesy of Datsyuk and Eaves, and maintained a fast and urgent tempo until the first intermission.

The beginning of the second period left much to be desired, and though the Wings picked up the pace slightly in the second half of the period, not a whole hell of a lot occurred between then and the overtime winner by Rafalski.

A couple of quick thoughts:

1. Brian was extremely pissed at Zetterberg for failing to hustle to negate the icing called against Detroit late in the third period. I have a sinking feeling that had the outcome of the game been different, I'd probably be sleeping in the flood zone outside tonight.

2. Patrick Eaves is on fire as of late. For the most part, he played an amazing game; however, when he stuttered over and lost the puck that was right at his feet in front of Jimmy, I really considered hopping on NHL.com and purchasing a #17 jersey...and lighting it on fire. Because we weren't playing a team with the greatest offensive prowess, nothing resulted of Eaves's blunder, so all is forgiven over here at TSO. Now that we've gotten it out of our system, we'll just remember his awesomeness.

3. Pavel played a great game. We're still giddily and hopelessly in love with the top line.

And how's about one for celebrating our return to a playoff seed? Never hurts, right?

Can we please face Josh Harding for all games hereafter?

2010-03-11T22:53:00.009-05:00

So this is what 60 minutes of Red Wings hockey feels like.

Detroit defeats Minnesota 5-1 and sure helped people betting online.

Henrik Zetterberg played like a man possessed tonight. TSO particularly enjoyed Babcock's pairing of Eaves with Hank, which resulted in that fabulous goal by Z. Wow. Either Henrik heard the cries of all the Detroit faithful accusing him of selling out by selling short, or Emma began passing on sexual congress with him. Take your pick. Whatever it was, more, please. (Our apologies to the Wings whose amorous endeavors fail as a result of their fans' selfish requests.)

How about the Mule? Franzen earned himself two goals tonight, and how awesome was it when the camera caught him on the bench right after he scored the second one? I swear to Christ, homeboy looked like he was about to straight up eat somebody. (Kings of Leon: You know that I conSUMED someBODAAAYYY...) And to be honest with you, I then did a five-second mental rundown of all the horrible things I've done lately, just to make sure I hadn't double-crossed Johan by hooking up with his significant other or relieving myself in his water bottle. My conscience is now at ease.

And what about that Miller/Filppula shorthanded rush, which resulted in a goal by Drew himself? Brilliant moves by both men. Not only was it awesome for scoring purposes, but it also proved that Miller can be just as adorable knocking a goal into the net off his own person as he is doing anything else. When Buffalo comes to town on Saturday night, not only will there be some good ol' sibling rivalry on the ice, but it'll be an adorable-off competition of epic magnitude between the two brothers, kinda like stumbling upon the Gerber baby playing peek-a-boo with the terrier group from the Westminster Kennel Club in a Dutch tulip garden while butterflies, bumblebees, and bubbles float through the air on a sunny day with just the right number of clouds in the turquoise sky to remind you of fluffy cotton candy. Siiiiigh.

We can't leave out Darren Helm from this one, either. How many times has he stepped into the crease at juuuuust the right fraction of a second to prevent a puck from sliding across the line? Genius, my friend. Jimmy had a good night, as well; he looked stronger tonight than he did two nights ago, stepping up to provide several clutch saves.

Anyone (Krononymous? Dena?) want to speculate on the over/under of the odds that our bud Marty Havlat sharted big time when he heard the thunder that could ONLY be the sound of KRONWALLING?

How sad is the state of Minnesota's power play? I'm not even sure I have the words to describe it. But, at gunpoint, I could make an attempt:

On an unrelated note, anybody else watching the game on the NHL Network catch that commercial about the journey of sperm through the conception process? Because, yeah, the one thing I was missing from that whole birds-and-the-bees convo my mom had with me back in the day was a militia of people dressed in riot gear to imitate the archnemeses of the little one-eyed snakes on their trek to sperminize the ova. Can you imagine what sex ed class in 7th grade would have been like if we could have reenacted that? Classic. So, uh, yeah, I'll probably tape it or something, if you want to come over and watch it with me.

Last but certainly not least, how's about dear Homer's efforts tonight? Mickey was right: Striking from that distance on the ice is definitely a rarity for #96. As Homer's gal Friday, I'm going to interpret his actions tonight as a preemptive measure to annex additional office space, so I'll be working the phones bright and early tomorrow morning to make sure we get all our building permits in order to comply with the zoning codes.

It's Wednesday.

2010-03-10T13:00:00.015-05:00

We don't have one of our normal questions today.

Why? (Shit, does that count?)

Because today is the day immediately following last night's shitshow. My brain is fried. I can't think straight. I don't want to talk about actual hockey, even something as gratuitous as our typical Wednesday questions.

But we have to do something today. We can't just sit around and wallow in our own misery and hopelessness.

While talking to our bud Petrella earlier, he suggested going in a completely un-hockey-related route. He then proceeded to propose a question of two movies I've never seen before (subsequently, he no longer believes me when I state that I hail from Planet Awesome). My neurons wouldn't even allow me to come up with two other films worth discussing. Crap.

So, here's what we're going to do:

Describe your ideal dinner party of five guests, real or fictional, and elaborate on why you chose each guest.

Fun times, right?

My dinner table would look something like this:

Around the table there, clockwise from the left, we have Andy Botwin, Charlie Kelly, Andy Bernard, yours truly, George Oscar Bluth (G.O.B.), and Tomas Holmstrom. (Please note that--myself excluded--there is only one nonfictional character at my table.)

A. Andy Botwin

I recently started getting into Weeds. I'm almost done with the second season, and seriously--this guy took his 12-year-old uncool nephew to a happy ending "massage parlor" when said nephew complained about no one wanting to give him an HJ in school. Class act, all the way. More relatives should take a proactive role in this regard. His tagline should be: "Uncles: Preventing Loserdom in Adolescents Since 2005."

Oh, and did I mention he gave the single greatest speech on self-pleasure since, well, ever?

B. Charlie Kelly

I'm a little hesitant to invite the best character from It's Always Sunny over to a dinner party since the show makes it clear that he almost always smells like poo. But really, how could I omit the guy who brought us the fine art of "going American all over everyone's ass"?

Also, let's not forget that time Charlie and Mac were working in a mailroom and Charlie had a straight-up meltdown. Anybody else working in the professional world ever feel like pulling one of those? Oh, say, every single fucking day? Teach us your ways, Mr. Kelly.

C. Andy Bernard

Everyone's favorite sycophant, the "Nard-Dog." Another example of someone who had a meltdown at work, only he sprung back with great success. I choose Mr. Bernard, though, because he is by far my favorite character of The Office, dressing like a U.Va. undergrad and always dropping insights on his peers like the following:

D. G.O.B.

Oh, where do I even begin with this zany Bluth brother? He may not be the brother I have a real, actual crush on (hi, Jason Bateman), but I can't imagine the most well-known character of Arrested Development being played by anyone other than Will Arnett. Anyone ever experienced the feeling of immense disappointment upon discovering that your probable soulmate is a fictional character? It's not for nothing that I've long since adopted "I've made a huge mistake" as my personal anthem.

E. Tomas Holmstrom

Enough said, really. For the record, I am inviting the semi-fictional version of Homer that we've all crafted here at TSO: you know, the one with the Viking swords, and the crazy caveman relationship with his wife, and the night-howling...wait, why are we still pretending this is fictional?

(Whoever made that video, you are now my new best friend.)

You're fucking out!

2010-03-09T23:18:00.004-05:00

...As in out of the playoffs! For now, anyway. I would rather have been dropping a hard Kenny Powers line after a win, but I think it fits tonight. Fair warning - I think Nat and I both were irrationally angry after this game.

So tonight's game was absurd. Maybe I'm a completely crazy fan, but this loss made me mad. You are battling for a playoff spot. A spot in the playoffs that the team you're playing can take from you by beating you. In this scenario, you are leading the game 2-1 at the start of the third...get outshot 15-4 in the last period and lose 4-2. That, to me, is a big sack o' horseshit. Where was the effort? I believe it was the good folks at Helm Street today who stated that this Wings team can be the best team in the league for about 20 minutes, and it's a pretty true statement. The second period? Amazing. Third period? Oy vey. My timely observations, with a few questions sprinkled in:

1. I'd love to hear someone who actually plays hockey on this (Chris from NOHS, Petrella, I'm looking at you, and probably others I'm forgetting ) - Was Jimmy kind of suspect tonight? He looked out of position a lot early, seemed to fight the puck a lot and have rebound issues. Maybe I'm crazy. Though I'm saying this, I don't think you can really blame him for the goals tonight....and this isn't pro-Ozzie-he-should-be-playing-right-now crazy talk. He shouldn't. Jimmy is our goaltender, for better or worse, and I think for the better. Jimmy just seemed shaky tonight.

2. I know it was mentioned a lot at the end of the telecast, but Hank, um, doesn't really look good. I mean, the guy is a warrior, so I don't judge. I think any of us would rather see a half strength Hank instead of, oh, I don't know, Jeremy Williams. But it is what it is.

3. Pav, Homer, and Franzen - Domination. Franzen looks great.

4. If only the Wings were in the East...

5. I can't even count for you the amount of swearing I edited out of this. This game was sad. It just makes you think - how can this team have a third period like this? NOW? At this point in the season?

I know I'm not even coherent right now so I turn it over to you the readers. Talk me, Brian, off my over-reactory ledge.

A welcome-back to Lilja, and oh, yeah--how about that game yesterday?

2010-03-08T09:31:00.008-05:00

If hockey fans are the best, then Red Wings fans are the most awesomest times infinity.

Our pal saraneuie, owner of her own photo blog, has generously agreed to continue sending her welcome-back montages to us to post on here. A million thanks, Sara, and without further adieu, I present you with a collage of Andreas Lilja's first game back at the Joe:

Even still, seeing him back in the Winged Wheel feels too good to be true, like I'm imagining it.

***

And yeah, how about that game yesterday against our nemeses? Felt pretty fucking good to win 5-4 at the United Center, didn't it?

My favorite part, other than Datsyuk's amazing breakaway goal and the fantabulous Franzen interpretation of a diving motion (LOVE how Chicago brings out the best in terms of the Mule's antics), was how the Hawks didn't really seem to get that the game was over at the final buzzer.

Because I'm pretty 'hood, I had to think long and hard about what gangsta song I would use to describe how I felt following yesterday's victory. I think I've chosen a solid one:

The Kitchen Sink

2010-03-05T13:00:00.001-05:00

So, just a little while ago, I was tooling around on Twitter, dazzling my followers with ever-deep insights ("Sometimes, when I write 'Nat' too quickly, it looks like 'Nut.' This makes me happy.") while counting down the minutes until I'm reunited with my distant lova/BFF and we can catch up the way we always do (updating each other on numbers of surprise rimjobs attempted on our persons and debating the merits of boning in a car that also includes children's booster seats) when Drew from Nightmare on Helm Street requested that I post something for his perusal today. Never one to turn down a friendly request from a fellow blogger, here goes: The Kitchen Sink.

That's what we're hereby proclaiming the final 19 games, the homestretch, the jumbo-loaded, four-cheese burrito, if you will. Because that is precisely what the Wings are going to have to throw at their opponents, night after night, to make this playoff thing happen.

Now, before you wonder if TSO is doubting the ability of the Wings to finish the race to the postseason, let us present you with the newly minted TSO creed:

The Newly Minted TSO Creed

1. We believe the Wings have all the pieces necessary not only to make the playoffs, but also to generate a strong playoff run, right through to the very end.

2. We believe Pavel Datsyuk is straight up country-pissed after Russia's disappointing Olympic run, not to mention frustrated with the Wings' current situation (have you ever seen him straight up punch a guy in the face before?!), and he will use "more shoot" to exact vengeance over the next 19.

3. We believe Nicklas Lidstrom is far too perfect to miss out on any postseason.

4. We believe Henrik Zetterberg was put on this earth not simply to make little girls (and boys--hi, Brian) lust after his silky whiskers, but to wreak playoff havoc by dry-humping the opposition's top forwards all over the ice.

5. We believe in Mike Babcock. Period.

6. We believe in the unmatched power of the Mule.

7. We believe the universe doesn't want to exist in a universe in which there's no postseason redux of the Darren Helm kill .

8. We believe that if there is a God, he/she doesn't want to witness the debacle that would inevitably occur if #96 is irked: Homer getting his hands on authentic Viking artillery and destroying the shit out of his mortal enemies.

9. We believe in dancing with Lord Stanley in June. Period.

So, that's it. That's our game plan. We're just going to repeat this to ourselves at every juncture along the next several weeks and wait for the best. Got anything you'd like to add? I intentionally stopped at #9 for obvious reasons, but add away at the bottom of the post till we get to another benchmark number, and we'll tack on a codicil to the creed.

And now--because The Kitchen Sink applies not just to the Wings but also to TSO--we're pulling out all the stops, mixing some old favorites with some new jointz. Let's go, Wings:

Ready for a neuie perspective?

2010-03-04T10:24:00.005-05:00

One of our most favorite friends, saraneuie, has started her very own blog. We've been fortunate over the past couple of months to have her grace our blog with photos taken at the Joe by her and her cousin, Nurse Nitz. The title of the blog just might be the most kickass name yet: A Neuie Perspective. Check it out asap!

At least we got rid of Andy Delmore right? A game recap.

2010-03-03T23:22:00.002-05:00

As we all saw tonight, the game was absolute shit. The Wings, a team SUPPOSEDLY wanting to make the playoffs, came out and laid down in front of the Canucks. Bam. Loss. This kind of shit can’t happen this late in the season in this spot. It just can’t.

If you read Babcock’s post game comments I think it summarizes well how things went. That having been said, I’d like to present you with Brian’s “You were terrible at hockey tonight and I REALLY wish you’d given a shit, therefore I‘d like to take a shit on your head” list. Similar to a shit list, but less clichéd.

1. Niklas Kronwall. I know you folks love him, and I do as well….but what the fuck tonight, sir?

2. TSN’s announcers. Since the game was on NHL Network we were officially banned from the FSD feed, and TSN’s announcers suck my shit. I hate how they refer to Henrik and Daniel Sedin as “Henrik” or “Daniel”. They have last names, fuck-o. I know it would be difficult to tell apart if you did that, but INCLUDE the first name. It's not that hard.

3. Gary Bettman. Permanent inclusion on any biggest villian/needs to be on the business end of my runs list.

4. Jonathan Ericsson. Has he played hockey before?

5. Todd Bertuzzi. I’ll turn coat this quick - I’m not extremely con-Tuzzi. But he could not have been a bigger sack of useless out there. If he had tried to just do something simple, like...be a table tonight...he would’ve found a way to fuck that up, too. I’m convinced he should not be paid more than $12.75 an hour. For anything.

Having mentioned what a fuckwad Bert was tonight, and the trade deadline having just passed, I’d like to present my SECOND LIST-- things I would take in return in a trade for Todd Bertuzzi:

1. Any draft pick
2. 8 hockey sticks
3. Subway coupons
4. Pulled pork BBQ sandwich
5. Postage to mail him wherever he gets sent
6. Mange
7. Scabies
8. George W. Bush
9. Tim Cheveldae
10. A copy of Mariah Carey’s movie Glitter

The list could go on. A quick note of clarification about the pulled pork BBQ sandwich--it doesn’t even have to be a good one. A microwave one is fine. We’re desperate.

Humpty Dance Hump Day.

2010-03-03T16:30:00.001-05:00

BULLETIN ALERT NUMBER ONE: If you're attending the Herm 2 Hockeytown pregame party at Hockeytown Cafe and haven't paid Jen, do so NOW. You have until this Friday, March 5th, unless you simply want us to pour one out for you in your absence.

BULLETIN ALERT NUMBER TWO: If you haven't seen this already, hop on over to The Production Line, where our pals have encouraged us all to open our wallets one more time to give to the kiddies. Go ahead and pledge $2 per goal for a game or two--or pledge to pay up if your favorite player succeeds. Or, come up with a complicated combination of both and drive Petrella crazy like someone who will not be mentioned did. I'm...ashamed...

A change of pace, eh? We're well on our way to exhausting the alliterative "W", so why not give hump day a try? (That's what we said.)

Today's question:

Which in-person hockey experience has the most meaning for you, and why?
This can be a game you attended, a game you played, or, if you've never been to a live hockey game, it can be your hopes and dreams for your first in-person experience (and we hope it'll be when you join us for some H2H magic).

I didn't have to think long about my answer. I've been to three games at the Joe, and while each was a special experience, I have to choose my very first hockey game as the memory that means the most to me.

It was February 16, 2007, a Friday night, during my first, epic trip to visit Brian in Omaha. I did not follow hockey at the time, nor did I know much about it beyond what I saw in passing during the Olympics. Brian, meanwhile, had been a fan since childhood, so while we were planning my first trip out there, he tentatively mentioned catching a University of Nebraska at Omaha game. I say "tentatively" because Brian had made a tremendously sweet effort to plan things that would be special for me, as it was my first time visiting Nebraska, and he wanted to make sure I enjoyed everything on our agenda.

My thought process for deciding whether I wanted to go was simple:

1. Do I get to act a fool via cheering?
2. Subsequently, do you embarrass easily?

Number two was necessary because we were still in the wee days of our relationship, and we didn't have a breadth of in-person experience with one another (read: we'd been on exactly two dates and a handful of group outings before he moved to another time zone).

Needless to say, I opted to go to the game.

The UNO Mavericks took on the Ohio State Buckeyes that night. The first thing that comes to mind when I remember this night is falling in love with the game on the spot. The raucous, electric atmosphere that accompanies most college sports was palpable, only imagine taking an enthusiastic Saturday afternoon at a college football stadium (say, 'Hoos v. the motherfucking Hokies, and I sure am looking at you, Mr. Norris Trophy) and multiplying it by a hundred because the fans are so much closer to the action and to one another. The excitement of what was happening on the ice, combined with the crowd's energy, the mix of gracefulness and aggressiveness, and the sheer beauty of seeing a goal scored: How could I resist falling in love with hockey?

Furthermore, I discovered that night that hockey fans are awesome. During the second intermission, I made friends with the gentlemen sitting to my left; recognizing my hillfolk twang as not exactly being Nebraskan, they asked where I was from, to which I replied, "West Virginia." They then proceeded to tell me about the time thirty years ago when they went to "Reston, Virginia," a suburb of DC, for job training and how their training hadn't allowed enough time for them to tour the capital itself. Normally, the failure of my conversation companions to recognize the Dub-Vee as its own state irreversibly shrivels a portion of my soul; this time, however, I recognized something important about my hockey brethren: They will talk to anyone about anything. Why? Because we instantly recognize one another as kickass human beings, simply from the preliminary knowledge that we prioritize our life as follows:

1. Sex
2. Hockey
3. Food
4. Interpersonal relationships
5. Kids
6. Gainful employment
7. Sanitary awareness of one's own person

And you know, it really works out well: For example, if a hockey game is on, but you've missed dinner, you tough it out until intermission. If a hockey game is on and you realize you haven't showered in four days, tough shit. Go big or go the fuck home. If your children don't understand the value of getting the fuck out of the way of the TV during overtime, guess who's going to stay at Grandma's for a week or ten? That's right: Unless it's hot, rabid sex which warrants DVR-ing the game for later viewing, nothing gets between hockey fans and the game.

Bottom line: That game changed my life. It started the course that brought me to this point, presenting you with blather and sharing the Red Wings love. Not to mention it brought the relationship between the other half of TSO and myself to another dimension--since my conversion, we enjoy the sport together, as fans. (Obviously, we're not encouraging the merging of all hobbies/interests with those of your significant other; the After-School Special Department of TSO encourages us to remind you to maintain your own identity for the duration of all romantic endeavors. For fuck's sake, do you really think I make myself suffer through Ballin' B's horrible audio compilation of the Shins' greatest hits?)

I bought $15 worth of lottery tickets yesterday.

2010-02-28T09:17:00.035-05:00

No shit.

Yesterday was the best/oddest day I can remember in a LONG time.

Brian and I began our afternoon by traveling about various malls and stores in our area, searching for a Team USA jersey. We're headed to BWW today to watch the game (and pouring one out for Team America is quintessentially American, yes?).

We didn't really have high expectations for our quest. As I've written before, our area of the world has only started paying attention to hockey with the advent of the Pens' success, little girls' (and boys') crushes on Sid the Kid, and people having wet dreams imagining themselves capable of Ovechkian feats on the ice.

So, what did we find?

1. A Team Russia Ovechkin jersey
2. A Team Canada Crosby jersey
3. A Team USA Orpik T-shirt

Now, I will fully concur with the guys over at TPL that Orpik, as one of a handful of "relative enemies" (isn't that terminology oh-so-appropriate?), has worked his ass off and deserves our admiration.

But going so far as to wear a T-shirt with his name on it? Sorry, no dice. I have many levels of hatred, and while Orpik doesn't incur the full-tilt wrath that others receive, I'd still rather wear a shirt composed of bat barf and possum pubes. That's just how I roll.

Defeated, we had run out of places to look in and around our shopping nucleus until it dawned on Brian: We should check out this souvenir store in Breezewood, Pennsylvania.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about Breezewood, PA. It's about a half hour from where we live, and it's the point at which Interstate 70 merges with the Pennsylvania Turnpike. There is absolutely nothing there, no legitimate center of town or neighborhoods; it's nestled in the Southern Alleghenies, surrounded, most likely, by moonshiners and people who don't wait for deer season to show a 10-point buck who's boss. But because Breezewood is at a much-traveled crossroads, it looks like this:

And there, in that very picture, right behind the McDonald's sign, you see the place that will forever be known in TSO circles as The Greatest Store In The History Of Mankind.

We'd visited said store before when we were in the area; it's a hell of a place to go if you're a sports fan. You can definitely get your fill of Steelers' paraphernalia: drop $20, walk out with a mug that has the greatest hits of your local dialect, which consist of 50,000 different ways to drop "Yinz" and "nyeeeeat" into everyday conversation; a T-shirt with Big Ben's face enclosed in a heart; and a hat with long, flowing curls attached so you, too, can be Polamalu-gorgeous. The only things I haven't seen there that disappointed me a little are actual steel curtains, but I'm quite certain if you asked the owners about them, they'd probably pull some out of their basement or out of their own bathroom or something. In addition to Steelers' gear, they have various throwback jerseys from practically every NFL team ever over the last 40 years or so.

In recent times, they, too, have gotten into the spirit of the Pens' victory by building an extensive collection of merchandise, including an old-school Lemieux jersey and purses made to look like Crosby's and Fleury's jerseys. They even had a lineup of bobbleheads of each person from last year's roster holding the Stanley Cup. I thought about how awesome it would be to see this for the Wings and became intensely, almost violently, jealous.

We were about to leave disappointed and empty-handed because they had no Team USA merchandise whatsoever when Brian left me to go in another room of the store. He came back a few minutes later and said, "I have to see you right now." Confused, I offered, "I'm...here?" to which he replied, "No, you need to come with me right now."

Back in the other room, which, it turns out, is the clearance room, were a couple of authentic Red Wings jerseys. For a disgustingly low fraction of the price typically attached to them. And these were the real deal, too. We combed them over to look for any defects or anything weird, like a missing "T" in Hank's name or some sloppy stitching. Nothing.

Turns out, according to the co-owner, that they had ordered a shipment of Wings' jerseys in anticipation of the Stanley Cup Finals last year, to appease Michiganders who had passed through and commented that they'd like to see some Wings' gear. These represented the remnants of the supply, which hadn't sold as well as they'd initially anticipated, so now they're just anxious to get rid of them.

To ballpark how lucky we felt at being the ones to find them, let me say this: To find these jerseys, at that price, in an area that barely acknowledges hockey exists, particularly outside of the white-hot Penguins, was just astoundingly lucky. We felt like Jonathan Rhys Meyers at the end of Match Point. What are the odds?

With that, we raided every Sheetz in the tri-state area to procure lottery tickets. You don't just pass up a day like that without going for broke, right? Go big or go the fuck home.

FYI: If anybody happens to be traveling through Breezewood, there is a size 50 Lidstrom jersey waiting with your name on it. Check it out.

Canada - America's Hat. Fuck Canada, today only!

2010-02-28T08:14:00.006-05:00

usThe patriotism runs deep today at the Octopus, and we could not be happier to be watching the gold medal game today while getting shit housed at the local bar (TSO readers - we hope you can be counted on for bail-related issues).

Today's game is going to be intense. As Petrella noted on his lovely post regarding the game, you notice that the general theme so far in this game is how America doesn't really have a chance; Canada is going to roll, etc. Yes, Canada has found another gear, but we did beat them. In this tournament. Last week. It did happen, promise.

Team Canada is better in just about every way on paper. They're deeper, more star power, more aged veterans, better coaching (have you ever heard the words "Man, Ron Wilson just outcoached".....used in a sentence?), better just about everything. Team USA, however, is the epitome of scrappy. They're young and hungry. They play well together, and, gasp, Ron Wilson has been a good leader for this team. (During one game broadcast, Roenick stated Wilson was "perfect for a short tournament." Being that it's JR I immediately ignored it because he is a jackass. I guess he was right.) Rafalski has been great, I've developed a new appreciation for Brooks Orpik (which will last for about another day, at which point I will return to hoping he catches herpes). Jack Johnson has been sitting, waiting, wishing for this forever (ha!). There have been many, many surprises in this tournament, but for me personally, the biggest one is how incredibly likable this team is. I remember Nagano, when the USA men's team trashed their rooms at the Olympics. Disappointing finish, and certainly not a likeable team, highlighted by such jackasses as Bill Guerin and Jeremy Roenick (and seriously, is any team which houses Guy Herbert going anywhere?).

Look, TSO has been, and always will be, American. I'll support America in any international athletic endeavour. This game feels a bit more special. The potential to beat the Canadians on their own soil. Canada, the country who acts as if Olympic gold in hockey is their birthright. An arrogance I feel is maddening. I wish nothing but the best for Babs and Stevie. I will feel bad if they lose, as they may not make it out of GM Place alive. But this game, this time.......USA! USA!!!!!

And now, two housekeeping items.

1. If Team USA wins this game, you can expect a TSO Brian dance number. It will happen. I already have it drunkenly choreographed....IN MY MIND.

2. A little something to get you pumped for the game. There is no better way. Skip ahead to the 1:39 mark:

Hijinks on a random Thursday.

2010-02-25T12:35:00.010-05:00

You know what blows goats?

Waking up on a Tuesday and excitedly thinking to yourself: "Yay, it's already Wednesday!" About ten seconds later comes the cold realization that it's not, in fact, already Wednesday, but just another shitass Tuesday.

Repeat the same for Wednesday...and again for Thursday.

It's been a looooooong week.

So, what better to do than to have another impromptu Reader Appreciation Day?

I had one once before, in my haste to thank the three new people who visited my blog and didn't live in the same ZIP code as me (back in those days, I'm pretty sure Brian didn't even read every post). For said Reader Appreciation Day, I promised various things, involving sexual innuendos and hallucinogens, to anybody who would listen.

Now I feel like we all just kinda deserve a little something to get us through this week. Fuck it, Sweden lost to the most horrible Slovaks last night, and Canada triumphed over the Russians, which makes me sad in my heart because I wanted Datsyuk to do well, but alas, it just wasn't in the cards.

So, here goes. I also promised this before, but promptly forgot, and thereby, failed to deliver. So, here goes. Levi Johnston and his, er, hockey stick:

(There's more out there that's NSFW, but I don't feel like posting it on here. Of course, you know we're the polar opposite of prudes, but I really don't want Levi's manass on the site. If you want to reward yourself with it, feel free to click here or here.)

Also, one more thing before you X out of this window and never return: Courtesy of my bestest, please click this to discover why an octopus is better than your mom. Your life will never be the same.

And finally, just because:

Warrant Wednesday.

2010-02-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

Per loyal TSO BFF Dena, we present you the following Wednesday question. Dena, I hope you approve of the song choice; the epiphany happened to me today while I was munching down on a yummy Filet-o-Fish (yep, Brian, I sure was singing the song to myself).

What superstitious and/or lucky game rituals do you have to ensure a Wings' victory?

Several of us were discussing this in the comments when Dena suggested we hash it out on here, so here goes.

Compared to the feats of several of our scrappy readers, I'm super lame; the only real in-person lucky article of clothing I've worn to the Joe two out of three times I've been, thus far, are a lucky pair of socks, which happen to be covered in shamrocks. I tried wearing a lucky pair of underwear, but we lost the second time I wore them--and, incidentally, I was NOT wearing the socks--so I guess those will just have to remain lucky in non-athletic endeavors.

That being said, I do have various superstitions regarding the process for watching a game at Buffalo Wild Wings. If it's boneless Thursday (boneless WINGS, sickos, sheesh), I'll order eight medium-hot Wings with ranch dressing. I have to order this every time if it's a Thursday. Also, I have to drink Blue Moon in succession until the end of the second intermission, at which point I order a Molson Canadian to enjoy during the third period. I get really nervous if our server doesn't come back in time for me to have this beer by the beginning of the third.

Further, I will not wear Brian's Yzerman jersey to BWW unless the team is in a secure position. It has nothing to do with the jersey itself; Brian has worn it plenty of times during games and with great success. He even wore it the first time we were at the Joe, which resulted in a bombardment of the Wild. But I wore it on those consecutive Saturdays last year when the Wings lost to the Predators, and then the Blue Jackets, 8-0 and 8-2, respectively. I've worn it out once since, and it resulted in a Wings' victory over the aforesaid BJs in Game 4 of the first round last year...but I remember rationalizing that it was ok to wear it because even if we lost, we'd still won three games already. So now I'm convinced that this jersey is, in fact, to be employed only in clutch situations; that's when I can harness the true power of its awesomeness.

Finally, I had a couple of rubber bracelets (you know, the sex kind) that had 2008 Stanley Cup champions on them, and I wore the red and white ones ALL THE TIME, including to a wedding. I never took them off. In fact, I proclaimed I would take them off only when the Wings won the Cup again, which, obviously they did not in 2009. Well, on New Year's Eve, I reevaluated the state of affairs this season and took a long look at the state of the bracelets. The writing had pretty much worn off, and the white one was actually looking kinda grody; because I'd never taken it off, it even had hair dye on it. So not cool. So, I made the painful decision to remove them...and the Wings won that night against Colorado. (Also, it's not for nothing that that was the night my bonercrush Ville scored his final goal scored for the Wings.)

Alas, I do still miss them, but part of loving something is letting it go, right?

And yeah, to answer the obvious subsequent question: This blog is being written by somebody who is, in fact, just a hand.

Hijinks on an average Tuesday.

2010-02-23T13:15:00.002-05:00

While dicking around the interwebs today, I realized we hadn't written a post in almost a week, so I shit my pants. Even for our self-proclaimed grade-A laziness, this is unacceptable. What kind of a sham is this site, anyway?

It got me to thinking. I'm too late to the party to write about Team USA's triumph over those dirty Canadians (although for awesome takes on said game, you should probably click here, here, and here).

I have absolutely nothing new to say about the Red Wings at large, mostly because I'm afraid any projections, whether optimistic or threatening, may jinx the team upon the return of NHL play.

It's not Wednesday, either, so I can't unleash one of our weekly questions on you. (Speaking of which, if any of you have any questions you'd like us to hash out on here, feel free to email them to us at TheScrappyOctopus@gmail.com, along with your wildest dreams and deepest, darkest secrets. You will get credit for your original thoughts, and if your dreams are wild enough and your secrets debauched enough, you may get an email response directly from Brian, who will, invariably, be typing pantslessly.)

So, what to do, what to do? Then, it hit me like a ton of scrotum-shaped bricks: Let's get back to basics by doing what we do best, shamelessly mocking others. Then I started pondering all the things I hate, and a couple of hours later, I remembered an old standby: the Scarlet Caps fan club. (You know, the Capitals-sponsored thingy in which we chicks are supposed to get our rocks off gazing at seductive pics of the roster, then we're supposed to enlighten our delicate minds with the intricacies of hockey terminology.)

Continuing my neurotic conversation with myself, I then wondered if I was being narrow-minded. After all, what kind of person am I if I can't be supportive of my sistren? I mean, what kind of hockey fan am I, anyway? How about you? Not sure? Well, grab your pencils and paper (even the fellas out there), and let's find out:

What kind of hockey fan am I?
...the tell-tale quiz

1. When I say icing, you think:

A. "What a cute name for a hockey term!"
B. "I'm going to cut that bitch who's staring at me right now."
C. "Oooh, Icing! I love that store in the mall. Wait, you thought I meant cake frosting? Oh, god, no; that would take me forever to purge."

2. The term five-hole conjures this thought:

A. "But...I don't get it. The goalie doesn't have five holes, does he?"
B. "No, seriously, I'm going to fucking cut that bitch who's staring at me right now."
C. "Five-hole? [Giggle.] OMG, that totally reminds me: Did I ever tell you about that time I got really wasted at a frat party?"

3. You're getting ready to go to a hockey game. Even though you're a casual fan, you peruse your wardrobe thoroughly for the perfect outfit:

A. You accidentally show up boasting the opposing team's dominant color. What, you're supposed to wear a certain color to support a specific team?
B. You can't remember what you wore, specifically, but it was guaranteed comfortable enough in case you had to throw down during intermission.
C. You approach the game the way you approach getting dressed each day of your life: mirroring your style icon, Mariah Carey. She really has a good eye for fashion appropriateness.

4. Your favorite player earns an assist on a goal. Your reaction:

A. "Oh, I didn't see him helping! He's such a cute little helper, though."
B. "Oh, shit, that bitch just heard me talking shit about her."
C. "Why are you not looking at me right now?"

5. You witness your first hat trick in person. How fun! Your thoughts:

A. "I'll only be able to remember this if I think of a magician with a rabbit in his hat."
B. "I can't believe I just got my face beaten in by some bitches."
C. "Hats? Yuck. I'd rather be drenched in stale ball sweat than wear one."

Now, calculate your totals...

Mostly As
Congratulations, you are...

Mostly Bs
Congratulations, you are...

(H/T to Rob, Snooki's biggest fan.)

Mostly Cs
Congratulations, you are...

Couldn't find any answers that suit you? Congratulations, my friend, you are...

TSO-approved! Go ahead--print this out, and wear it as a badge of pride. (Non-transferable. Do not pin this on unworthy peers.)

Walk It Out Wednesday.

2010-02-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

Today's question it brought to you by my cohort, Ballin' B:

Which current non-Red Wing forward would you love to see wearing the Winged Wheel?

Purely hypothetical. No salary cap issues attached because that makes it less fun. The only stipulation is that your selection has never played in Detroit, but really, if you want to choose someone who's played here before, go ahead. Just like Hockeytown itself, TSO has no limits. Or morals. But that's another issue.

My choices:

First choice: Jarome Iginla. I've always loved him. He's a consistently strong player, capable of fantastic offensive tricks, but at the same time, he's not afraid to drop the gloves and scrap a little. He's a solid leader and an all-around class act. Last night, after scoring a hat trick against Team Norway, he spent most of his NBC interview praising his linemate Sid the Kid. Sure, I vomited a little bit in my mouth, but what else do you expect from this guy? Humility all the way. Also, he has the longest name ever known to mankind: Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla. I especially love that there's a "Junior" thrown in there, just for good measure.

Runners-up: Nicklas Backstrom, who's just scary talented (and Brian has a great big freakin' mancrush on him--I suspect the flowing golden locks), Zach Parise, who has amazing puck-handling skills and speed, and Rick Nash, who brings a lot of the same qualities to the table as Iginla. I feel it goes without saying that I would have no problem if the Great #8 rocked our red, too.

Runner-up/player who's been here before: Mike Knuble. He's had a stellar year with Washington, notching 42 points so far, and he's not afraid to scrap, either. Can we kidnap him? Also, if we could get Jiri Hudler back for $5/game and a chicken farm so he can cluck in a group setting, that would be fantastic.

Players I'd rather NOT see in the Winged Wheel: Marian Gaborik, only because I don't want Al Sobotka and his colleagues to have to clean up his limbs from the ice. Also applicable here are all the usual suspects.

And now, because it's Wednesday and we really have no (new) reasons to be pissed off at the world, let's dance:

Leftover Valentine's candy.

2010-02-16T13:30:00.012-05:00

UPDATE: Now including poems submitted by some of our fabulous readers via comments.

Happy belated Valentine's Day, scrappy readers. We were going to let this fun-filled, jailsexed romp of a holiday go unscathed by our demented minds until one of our espionage-specializing affiliates unearthed a treasure chest from the Wings' locker room. Turns out they hired a consultant to assist them with their Valentine's Day endeavors, but not a terribly creative one: He/she just helped them write poems to their respective beloveds by revising the cliched "Roses are red..." ditty.

Far be it for us to withhold such amazing insight into the minds of our boys.

Some of them are just sweet:

Henrik Zetterberg:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can't wait to come home,
Where it's just us two. (Whammy!)

Kirk Maltby:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
While we've been together for years,
My love only grew.

Kris Draper:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
For you there is nothing
That I wouldn't do.

Brad Stuart:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I will love you
My whole life through.

Others are well-meaning, albeit a little unorthodox:

Nicklas Lidstrom:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Let's make love like cyborgs,
The way we always do.

Todd Bertuzzi:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wish I knew another word
That rhymes with blue.

Darren Helm:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How did you catch me,
Considering how quickly I flew?

Niklas Kronwall:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My fans will all be KRONWALLED
To show them my love is true.

And some are just, well, awesome:

Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I trust my eyes to Dr. Rahmani,
You should, too.

Johan Franzen:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Why don't we get drunk
And screw?

Tomas Holmstrom (a bit of a copycat, but with his unique twist):
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
For sure, why don't we get drunk
And screw?

Jason Williams:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Hey, while you're up,
Can you grab me a Mountain Dew?

Valtteri Filppula:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You're nice and all,
But you'll never mess up my 'do.

Jonathan Ericsson:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Until I saw myself in the mirror,
Never thought anyone was as pretty as you.

Chris Osgood:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My goaltending situation sucks,
So how about a brew?

Jimmy Howard:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My goaltending situation rocks,
So how about a brew?

Ville Leino (found crumpled up in the corner):
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
To get past my stalker vibe,
Enclosed please find glue.

Interestingly, there was another one from Todd Bertuzzi:

Todd Bertuzzi:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The day you crossed me, Michael Petrella,
Is the day you'll soon come to rue.

***

Response from Michael Petrella to Todd Bertuzzi
Roses are red,
Violence is blue.
Steve Moore's neck is sore,
I bet your soul is, too.

***

Submitted by Nurse Nitz

For the Big Rig:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You know we can always count on
A costly turnover from you

For Abby:
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I miss that big butt of yours
Landing hits on a player or two

For some of the awesome fans on here:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Watch out for Dena, Johan,
She wants baby mules with you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Jailsexed, frolicking, and She-Tuzzi
Wings fans, how I love you.

***

From saraneuie to Johan Franzen:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Dena and I want to spoil rotten
Those small mules for you.

***

Submitted by Andy:

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
my stare can kill puppies
and it will kill you too
(Babs)

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
and in Soviet Russia
Mule rides you

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm so god damn proud
of my red white and blue
(Tollefsen, not funny, but had to be said)

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I get paid to watch hockey
So I still own you
(Leino)

***

More from saraneuie:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
In Soviet Russia
Dr. Rahmani trusts you

***

More from Nurse Nitz:

Canadians are white & red,
Americans are red, white & blue,
Brian Rafalski can score goals,
Who freakin' knew??

For both Ryan Miller & Ryan Kesler:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The Americans won the big game,
Ryan, the kudos go to you!

For 20-cent:

Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
That cheap cabby-punching Kane,
I really hate rooting for you.

For Homer, regarding the totally FAIL effort by Finland vs. Sweden last night:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Watching from his lazy-boy at home,
Homer's handmade Viking darts hit you.

***

And a few more from yours truly:

To Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your puck-handling's so amazing,
Does your stick contain glue?

Also to Pavel Datsyuk:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If you ever snag the Hart,
My heart will turn to goo.

To Brett Lebda:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Does it make you feel shitty
To know you make me boo?

To Tomas Holmstrom:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You inspire me to make animal sounds
So here I go: "Moo."

(That's just because I think Homer and I could have kid-like fun together. Oh, how I love him.)

To Niklas Kronwall:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Are you aware that many TSO readers
Want to take you in a loo?

To Patrick Eaves:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
How crazy your eyebrows are
You haven't a clue.

(I love Eaves, but come on. He has some CA-RAZY eyebrows.)

To Jiri Hudler:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your clucking belongs
In mine and Homer's zoo.

(I STILL miss Huds.)

To fans everywhere:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Red Wings fans are the greatest,
Our mad love is most true.

To anyone who hates Wings fans:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Hockeytown haters beware:
To you I'll fling poo.

Welcome back to Homer & the Mule.

2010-02-15T09:15:00.010-05:00

Once again, our fabulous readers @saraneuie and @nursenitz have plied us with collages of Homer's and Franzen's first games back at the Joe after the 1,000-year road trip. Alas, like the elusive butterfly he is, Homer exacerbated the knee injury during Saturday's game, and it looks as though the Mule will play for him in the Olympics after all. Egg on your face much, Sweden?

Poor Homer, though. That's gotta be beyond disappointing for him. (Anybody want to speculate on what Homer's favorite form of exercising his demons is? I'm guessing it probably has something to do with eating cats or perhaps steel wool granules while donning a Moses-style headpiece and screaming into the night wind.)

On a brighter note, here are some visual snacks for your enjoyment. I'm pretty sure the Homer one is going up in my place of employment. Sara titled the one for #93 "Franzen and His Mustache." I gotta say, I'm digging the mustache, but then again, I like Franzen's red playoff beard. It makes him look like even more of a badass.

A night of effort, heebie-jeebies, and frustration.

2010-02-11T23:30:00.004-05:00

So as you saw tonight, the Wings lost to the Sharks...

...fuck a bunch. The Wings played a great game overall tonight. A ton of effort, all kinds of chances, and they just couldn't get it done. Tonight's game was maddening. This might have been one of the better efforts all season, and it wasn't to be. This is all at the expense of our sanity. I don't get it. I know they played a good game tonight. Why, however, is it always the Wings who have a ton of chances but just cant get it done? Why can't these guys light the lamp? So, so many open chances. Whatever. I guess it doesn't really matter. Some of my highlights from the game...

1. Franzen looks like a ginger possessed. For all those who wondered what state he'd come back in, he's told us - super bad ass. That's the state.

2. I'm pretty sure Darren Helm has not had a bad game yet.

3. Jimmy certainly saved our ass countless times. I have no idea how he can do the things he does.

4. It's good to have a top line back.

5. Bleh. They really have to start getting some WINS on the board, right? Great effort, great chances, but came up short. I'm too sleepy for this.

6. I'm prone to overreaction, but shootouts. What's up with that? How are we THAT bad at 'em?

Is it Olympic time yet?

"Recap" & Waylon Wednesday.

2010-02-10T09:03:00.014-05:00

So, there was a game last night. Against the St. Louis Blues. No, we didn't watch it. Versus + dial-up internet at home = no dice for such games. But here's what we learned from monitoring the game summary and reading other people's recaps:

1. We earned a point last night because the game went to OT, and, eventually, a shootout. Commence celebrations in the form of nipple clamping and bukkake sandwiches.

2. According to The Triple Deke and The Production Line, Johan Franzen rocked a sweet mustache. And in addition to feeling distraught over missing the Mule's first game back since his 1,247-year-long stint on IR (no, seriously, doesn't it feel like it's been that long?), we're equally disturbed we missed out on that, as well. After all, TSO is your one-stop shop for all things mustache rides and dirty Sanchezes, which are a form of mustache, if you think about it. (Go ahead and think about it. You know you want to.)

3. Further according to TPL (in a guest post written by Chris Hollis of Motown Wings and The Obstructed View fame), Henrik Zetterberg should not be allowed in a shootout ever again. Not seeing the game last night, I can't judge his effort; however, he has not had a particularly strong year when it comes to shootouts. Ballin' B and I talked about this yesterday while we awaited the results of the riveting game summary during the shootout (refreshes every 30 seconds for your convenience). The last time I saw, his shootout success rate hovered somewhere in the early 30% range. Far be it for me to question seriously Babcock's judgment in selecting his shooters (oh, puh-leeze, like anybody takes this site seriously, anyway), but it does get frustrating to watch the same players fail to convert time and time again (ahem, Dan Cleary, during all the injuries, way back about 3+ weeks ago). Then again, how shitty would it be if Babcock replaced his star players with under-the-radar guys and still came up short? Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other. Shootouts suck; I have no problem watching other teams participate in them, but when it comes to the Wings, my heart sinks every time the OT clock winds down.

4. Jimmy Howard stopped 42 of 45 shots on goal last night, including the 5:00 of OT. Twenty of those shots were in the first period. The mind fucking reels.

5. Kris Draper's persistence as of late paid off last night in the form of scoring the first goal of the game.

Questions I have for people who caught the game:

1. How the fuck did Todd Bertuzzi manage to commit a penalty only 0:28 into the game? Did somebody urinate on his skates? Threaten to force him into a glass-bottom boat scenario? Taunt him with accusations of his mom smelling like cheese?

2. Brad May got into a fight. How did that work out?

And that's all I really want to know. No, seriously. We're going to adopt the motto of the drag queen/transvestite in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil: "Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it." The Wings take on the Sharks on Thursday. Go big or go...home? How does that work if they're already at home? I guess it's go big or leave home, in that case? Whatev. Our satellite is still jacked up (SNOWPOCALYPSE!--no, really, we now have 4+ feet of snow and counting...I'm 99% sure I'm going to build an igloo and live in it for free or else charge someone for all my construction labor), so you may get another fantastic recap like this one or one of our oh-so-awesome real recaps when we watch it and still have nothing productive to say. Gear down!

***

Let's get to the point with our Wednesday question. This one's been asked all over the blogosphere, plus we delved into it the other week in our Wednesday comments, but it's hard not to bring it up formally since we're only two days away from the Opening Ceremony:

Which men's ice hockey team do you hope wins Olympic gold?

This is a toughie for me; I've been all over the place with my loyalties. Obviously, I'm an American and would be proud of my home country for winning the gold, despite Patrick Kane's craterfaced presence on the team. (No, seriously, there are no cab rides involved in ferrying the players about Vancouver, right? Just checking. Don't embarrass the stars and stripes, assfuck, or you'll have a lot to answer for 'round these parts.) We've got Rafalski on the roster, plus players TSO likes in the form of Ryan Miller, Tim Thomas, Jonathan Quick, and Jack Johnson. On the other hand, we also have Brooks Orpik, who annoys us only because he plays for Pittsburgh, and Ryan Whitney, who plays for the Ducks and has a girl's last name. I'll be happy enough if Team USA nabs the gold, but I won't be surprised if they don't because the competition is stiff.

Like many of you, the only thing I care about regarding Team Canada is Stevie Y and Babcock. Other than that, the team at large makes me ralph. Sidney Crosby, Ryan Getzlaf (who may return from his injury for some of the games), Scott Niedermayer, Chris Pronger, Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook, Corey Perry, and Dany Heatley? Words fail me. How are Canadians dealing with this level of code red douchiness? I know Olympic gold is more important to our neighbors to the north than sex, air, or water but...blehhhhhhhh.

Team Sweden is stacked with winners, never mind the controversial snub of one Johan Franzen. Despite the annoying Sedins' presence on the roster, it's damn near impossible to find any reason to dislike the blue-and-yellow rascals, considering how many Wings made the cut. The only thing is...they've already won the gold.

Other than being inherently biased toward Team USA, I'm rooting for Team Russia. Their roster is stacked with fantastic NHL-ers: Our own Pavel Datsyuk, plus Ovie, Semin, Kovalchuk, SNB, Nabokov, and Bryzgalov. The only downer is that Russian gold means Malkin and Gonchar benefit, which is a bonafide tragedy, but really, I would love to see Pasha with a gold medal.

In any event, there's obviously a lot to root for--and against--each particular "powerhouse" team. Any of the aforesaid four countries taking home top honors will bring some sort of happiness, as well as a teeny, tiny iota of strife, to our lives. One thing I think we can all agree on is hoping that Team Slovakia is a wash; Marian Hossa, Marian Gaborik, and Tomas Kopecky with a gold medal in their hands? I'd rather watch somebody sign my own death certificate.

And now, a little mood music...because nothing gets me fired up for Team America (fuck, yeah!) quite like Waylon:

Neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye.

2010-02-06T11:35:00.012-05:00

According to Twitterverse, Ville Leino has been traded to the Flyers in exchange for a 2011 fifth-round draft pick and Ole(!)-Kristian Tollefsen, who hails from Norway (hi, Andy) and according to Helene St. James, will be placed on waivers and subsequently shipped to Grand Rapids if he clears (kudos to @jennbikegirl for the Freep link). The official, necessary reason for the trade is that the Wings were in a must-act situation due to a lack of cap space upon Johan Franzen's imminent return to action; however, Ken Holland also offered up this tidbit of a quote:

"When we signed him, we had high hopes for him,” general manager Ken Holland said. “He played well for us in Detroit last year and with all the offense we lost last summer, we thought this was a great opportunity for him. For whatever reason, it just didn’t work out, and other players grabbed the reins while we had injuries."

Personally, I can't help but suspect that Leino's unabashed hitting on Dan Bylsma last week had something to do with the move. I mean, just because you're benched and you're bored, you can't walk around the opposing teams' locker room with your pickle hanging out, seeking pubescent-looking hotties to violate, Villster. Take that one as a lesson for the road.

Now, who wants to join TSO in a collective belly laugh picturing Leino fumblefucking around for the bruiser-y and blustery Flyers? Hi-lar-ious.

Eh, whatever. He's out of our hair now, and for fuck's sake, he's not even in our conference now. Best wishes, Villster, former love of my loins for about five minutes while I was being regretfully facetious, and thanks for the memories, mostly of you looking serial killer-grade psychotic:

Sayonara, fuckface. (Nice purple clown tee, though, jackass.)

The Leino-less Wings take on the Kings in L.A. today at 4 p.m. EST. I wonder if any of our California peeps are going to game. Hope it's a good one. These are one of a handful of our playoff-seeking nemeses, so once again, it goes without saying. TCOB, Red Wings.

We're going to try to catch the game; our satellite has been wonky all morning due to the metric shit ton of snow we've accumulated. I was just whining to Dena that we can't even drive on our main road, so if y'all don't hear from us within the next 36 hours or so, you may want to call the law to make sure we're ok.

Now, one last time for the road. Goodbye, ~~Toby Flenderson~~Ville Leino. It's been real:

So long, H-Cock.

2010-02-03T16:50:00.008-05:00

Since I'm pretty sure Ken Hitchcock has no direct ties to the disaster in Haiti, I'm going to go ahead and do the following:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Later, sucka.

Whitesnake Wednesday.

2010-02-03T09:10:00.014-05:00

Another day. Another nut-bustin' day in which you learn one of the best players on your team is out...again, due to a tweak. No, seriously, I really did think that verb only applied to a specific act that may or may not occur during sexual congress. Not trying to be the moral police, but really, "tweaking" has no place on the ice.

Thanks to Petrella, via George Malik, we now know that Kronner's "tweaked" ankle makes him doubtful for tonight's game in Anaheim. Fuck a bunch.

So, on we go. What else can we do? Well, we could answer Wednesday's question (kudos to Brian for coming up with this one):

Who's your favorite "under the radar"* Wing (past or present) and why?

*We're defining "under the radar" pretty loosely here; you don't have to resort between choosing between Ville Leino or Mikael Samuelsson. Under the radar in this case means the player can have (or have had) success with the team, but he's not one of those players whose jerseys you see gajillions of at the Joe, nor is he one at whom all the ladies throw their unmentionables. In other words, your favorite non-superstar.

My answer's easy. Click here, here, or even here if you're not sure. I know it may be a stretch to call the guy leading the team in goals "under the radar," but I've never seen anyone wear a Homer jersey in person, nor do you hear anybody chattering about how hot he is, so that fits my definition, at least.

What about you guys?

Welcome back, Homer.

Wings drown Sharks, 4-2. (Regulation. Bitches.)

2010-02-03T00:48:00.011-05:00

Christ on a stick, thankyouthankyouthankyou for giving us two points in regulation tonight. Mandatory keyboard explody type celebration time: sdofdofndofodsufowehofsfnds.

Super duper quick thoughts before calling it a night:

1. Welcome back, #96. Homer played like a man possessed tonight. Time and again, I've praised him on here for always working hard, and tonight, he displayed as much hustle and grit as ever. He notched an assist on each of the first two Wings' goals scored, and by the end of the game, he'd put six shots on goal.

2. When Kronner couldn't stay on his skates during one of the Sharks' power plays during the first period, I thought, "Fuck. Not again." Turned out it was just a broken blade on one of his skates. Then, for start of the third period, he didn't return to the bench; Derek Meech took his place on the power play. Late in the third period, FSD reported that Kronwall had a "slight tweak, nothing serious." After the game, Babcock indicated that he "tweaked his ankle." Hmm. I don't believe "tweak" is a serious medical offense, so we'll keep hoping for the best until we hear otherwise, right?

3. Speaking of Meech, he actually played a decent game; on the aforesaid power play, he scored a goal, and he elevated his defensive play throughout the game (particularly noticeable after he scored that goal). Way to finally play as if you give a shit about earning a permanent spot on the team, cochise.

4. Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg both had stellar efforts tonight. Zetterberg scored the Wings' second goal tonight on a power play, and feeling my heart soar while watching Homer reunited with the Eurotwins was a feeling I shant soon forget.

5. Speaking of Pasha, my jaw is still scraping the ground due to the fact that I witnessed Joe Thornton strip him of the puck during a Datsyukian playbook rush. I believe the universe attempted to negate this by later having Nabokov cough up a juicy rebound to Datsyuk, but still...

6. How about Brian Rafalski's defensive play along the boards during the final 60 seconds? Holy Jesus...

7. San Jose is really just too ridiculously good at faceoffs.

8. I like seeing Dan Cleary and Valtteri Filppula play together, and I didn't mind seeing Homer on the second line tonight, either, as much as I love the Flying Circus. I thought these three did a great job maintaining pressure and creating chances.

9. Patrick Eaves's goal was magnificent--I love when our guys are in the right position to catch the other team with the pants around their ankles, which is exactly what happened with San Jose here. Also worth noting is Kris Draper (who earned an assist on Eaves's goal) and Darren Helm, who also both had tremendous efforts tonight. Valtteri Filppula also showed up to rock and roll, earning himself two assists.

10. Joe Thornton is a dickhole for crashing into Jimmy late in the third. But thanks for negating that stressful 6-on-4 sitch, Joe. You just gotta hate it when that happens.

This was the most consistent effort the Wings have put forth recently. They were a little sluggish to start the game, but warmed up to a fever pitch during the final eight minutes of the first period. They were a little uneven at the beginning of the second period, but left all that soon behind after Cleary scored the first of four unanswered Wings' goals. The third period was all around outstanding for Detroit.

We owe ourselves a tiny sigh of relief that the game didn't go into overtime; Nashville earned a point tonight against Phoenix (who won in the 11,403th round of a shootout), Dallas beat Minnesota, Colorado beat Columbus, and Los Angeles topped the Rangers. The standings are so ridiculously tight right now--every little bit counts. The Wings now have 64 points (tied with the Preds). Tomorrow night, we play the delightfully disgusting Anaheim Ducks, who are not far behind us with 59 icky points. We don't need to be reminded of how crucial another regulation win tomorrow is. Let's go, Wings.

Wings @ Sharks tonight.

2010-02-02T10:17:00.005-05:00

If you needed any incentive to stay up tonight to catch the game, here goes:

1. The triumphant return of Homer(!!!), for sure this time. (And just how appropriate is it that he returns on Groundhog Day?)

2. This is probably going to happen (seriously, so kickass):

Per the norm, there are all kinds of reasons to be slightly annoyed with the San Jose Sharks. They're currently first place in the Western Conference. Patrick Marleau (him?) is tied with Sidney Crosby for most goals scored league-wide at 37 each. Joe Thornton is fourth in the league in points (68). Evgeni Nabokov is third in the league in save percentage, GAA, and wins. None of this should be truly surprising since San Jose often sits atop or very near to the top of the Western Conference.

When we here at TSO look at teams beforehand, usually we say something earth-shatteringly deep like, "Oh, a win tonight would really help us gain momentum at the beginning of this road trip," or "Wow, at this point in the season, beating a top team like the Sharks on their home ice would feel better than sex," or "Let's go ahead and solidify our place at the bottom of the pack that's still good enough to go to the playoffs with a win."

Bleh. Obviously, all those things are still true (except the sex part...I reserve that reaction for Wings' wins against teams I actually make an effort to loathe), but the Wings' loss against the Pens this weekend left a bitter taste in my mouth. The offensive effort was there--but only during the final twenty minutes of the game. In fact, I'd worked on one of our live blog recaps during the game, only to give it up during the second intermission because I was completely disgusted with the team's performance against Shittsburgh, and I just couldn't find the words. (Instead, we went out for Mexican food and margaritas after the game. I poured one out for all equally distraught TSO readers. WIN!)

The Wings can't afford to do that against tough opponents, including tonight (despite having a good track record against San Jose--the last game against them, on January 9th, resulted in a 4-1 win for us). It's common sense: When you allow offensive powerhouses to hang out in your own zone for the better part of 40 minutes and pepper your goaltender with 40+ shots by the end of the game, at least one of them is bound to make its way into the net, even if it's a result of a shitty bounce or rebound that Howard has no chance to stop. With the Wings' lack of offensive production leading to losses being decided by one- or two-point games, it's certainly a recipe for disaster.

So what's it going to be tonight? The Wings have to come out, guns blazing, to defeat San Jose, and then they have to keep on trucking until sixty minutes have elapsed. If I see another half-hearted effort for any major portion of the game, whether it's an attempt to come from behind to score (no, not the shocker) or letting their foot off the gas after building a one- or two-goal lead, I'll be dead by sunup.

Jesus frowns upon your SPORT.

2010-02-01T12:05:00.001-05:00

Who knew?

For our everlasting souls' sakes, it sure is a fantastic thing we have the good folks at Westboro Baptist Church to give us the 411 on God's hate list.

Best known for picketing the funerals of anybody they deem to be ruining our country (read: they even picketed Jerry Falwell's funeral, in addition to protesting the motley crew including, but not limited to, U.S. Holocaust Museum, Lady Gaga, the Academy Awards, the entire nation of Italy, Twitter, and the funerals of fallen soldiers), they've really outdone themselves this time.

Yesterday, they took to the Stars/Coyotes game to really stick it to those godless heathens on the ice and in the stands:

God H8s Ur hockey! Valor Pl. & Olive St. WBC will picket your stupid, cold (you will truly pray for these days of being in the cold hockey games when you burn in hell for eternity) violent, time-wasting hockey game - your SPORT. You know there will be only a few more of these entertainment events before God lets Obama simply destroy this nation. God does not have anything good to say about your sport(s).

Whoa, somebody just overdosed on H8rade. (Ziiiiiiiiiiiing!)

Yikes, apparently they're anti-Sunbelt, too:

God Hates DOOMED america, God Hates Arizona, God Hates Florida. You are all going to hell, and there is nothing to do but hear the words, hate the words, get mad at the words - - then get more words.

In yo' face, Bettman!

My thoughts are muddled. After all, for all the things I could possibly be sent to hell for...

Also, I guess I have to throw this away now. Thanks a lot, WBC:

At least now we know why hell is spelled h-e-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS.

We've been waiting for this since June.

2010-01-30T20:53:00.014-05:00

Don't forget to truck on over to Winging It in Motown during tomorrow's game to participate in the live game thread. For every comment posted, money will be donated to the ongoing relief efforts in Haiti. You can also contact WIM's Casey to donate directly. Brian will be repping the TSO duo tomorrow; he's promised to refrain from horribly inappropriate commentary--however, I feel the need to tell you he won't be wearing pants. This shouldn't affect how he communicates with everyone tomorrow, but it will definitely affect how you feel every time you see something pop up from him.

Wings @ Penguins. Sunday. 12:30 p.m.

Our hockey day festivities will be in the form of a game, which we are sharing with you hereafter. It's kind of a bingo/drinking game mashup, meaning you can play the game however you so choose. If you want to play postage stamp, upper right corner, fine. If you want to chug a little every time one of the following things happens, fine. All we know is that we're not over what happened in June, and if the Wings' effort against Pittsburgh sucks ass, we'll probably lose our damn minds. (Also, I have a healthy dose of trash talk on the line here, personally. And really, I just cannot psychologically handle a piss poor effort on our part against this team.)

Let's go, Wings.

Friday fun times and good stuff.

2010-01-29T09:59:00.010-05:00

TSO's good pal saraneuie has graced our inbox with yet another example of her fantabulous photo-taking skills. This really needs no introduction, except I feel the need to tell Krononymous and Dena to take a seat if they haven't already. It's Sara's compilation of moments from Kronwall's first game back:

(If you click on the image, it will get bigger. [That's what she said.] No, but seriously, you can have a full-screen version of Kronner. Wait. Is that the sound of screensavers being updated all across the interwebs?)

Tonight, the Wings take on the Nashville Predators in Detroit. My apologies to the number of you who expressed your love for the Jordin(?!) Tootoo whistle at the Sommet Center. Maybe this will help to ease the pain:

Really, we started "dance dance assholes" on here as a lighthearted way to anticipate upcoming games; now it's simply a sweet distraction from the pain of everyday existence: Nashville is currently in 7th place in the Conference, with 61 points to our 59. It's imperative that the Wings wrap up a win in regulation. Not only will it help us in the standings, but it'll also set a good tone for the weekend, heading into a tough game ~~in hell~~ at Mellon Arena on Sunday. (Can we get a head count of how many people are excited to see Mike Milbury again? Anybody? Oh, come on, don't be shy.)

And since it's Friday, we're giving them out like candy. Here's another funny:

Let's go, Wings.

A Call to Arms

2010-01-28T18:24:00.012-05:00

Dear Scrappy Readers*,

*This is actually directed at the approximately zero of you who stumble across this site and not the infinitely more fabulous Motown Wings, The Production Line, and/or The Obstructed View. Yep, all none of you. But whatever, since you're already here, just keep reading, please.

It's time we had a serious talk.

By now, you've all heard of Herm to Hockeytown, or, more colloquially, H2H. And I know you've all opened up your wallets and donated a few bucks to the effort because even though Herm's all set to go to the game on March 26, you know that the extra moolah is going to the kiddos at DMC.

You're also all keyed up to participate in live-blogging during the Pens game on Sunday over at Winging It in Motown because you know that for every comment posted, money will be donated to helping the relief effort in Haiti.

But wait, there's something else on your to-do list, isn't there?

That's right. You still have to make that Twitter account so you can follow @RedWingsOV and @H2Hockeytown.

Since we've been pals for several months now, I feel I can be frank with you: What the fuck are you waiting for?

I mean, seriously. Do you not realize that we have a potentially life-changing scenario on the line here, and it all depends on enough of you following those accounts?

Oh, wait. You haven't heard? Oh, boy: We were commissioned by Chris over at Motown Wings a few days ago to design a killer T-shirt for #44's #1 fan, Michael Petrella to wear during the H2H game. And by "killer", I mean it's going to be so awesome, people may die of awesome overload upon resting their eyes on it. We're pulling out all the stops, including, but not limited to, egregious use of flourescent colors, multiple hearts and other whimsical designs, excessive liberties with glitter--basically all the fabulously elaborate factors you'd imagine would be involved in conveying Petrella's undying love to his hockey idol.

But here's the deal. If you don't sign up for Twitter and follow them, it won't happen. And that would be really detrimental to the happiness of everyone involved. I mean, Herm is coming all the way from Brazil. Don't you think seeing one half of TPL sporting a Bert-lovin' hot pink shirt for all the world to see would make his experience just a teensy bit more awesome than it's already guaranteed to be? Really, you guys have seen tons of my artistic finesse via Paint collages. You can imagine how bombass this shirt will be. (Yves Saint-Laurent on meth is how I describe my eye for design.)

Oh, I get it. You're not going to H2H, so you're not all that excited for it. Well, guess what. There will be pictures taken. And maybe even video. I mean, Brian's planning on having a danceoff with at least one other person there, so we'll try to get Petrella on camera, too.

So, it's decided then. You've already opened up another tab and are signing up for Twitter as you read this. Awesome! Here are some of the fun things you can do:

--Follow yours truly and we can talk about all kinds of awesome things 140 characters at a time (Brian may even sext you via direct message, so get excited!): @ScrappyOctopus

--Follow Petrella and harass him with tweets about how much he and Bert were probably separated at birth (they each have half a golden medallion, and H2H will be the magical event in which they'll discover it!): @mpetrella

--Follow Chris and thank him for being the boss of brainstorming devious plans: @chollis

--Follow our bud Andy and harass him with Abba lyrics (I heard somewhere that's his favorite band): @FightNightatJoe

For fuck's sake, just sign up for an account, follow RedWingsOV and H2Hockeytown, and then forget that you have a Twitter account, if it's not your bag. Just do it. Please?

Thanks a million and LYLAS/B,
The Scrappy Octopus

Minnesota wild out against Wings, 5-2.

2010-01-28T09:53:00.003-05:00

We're sick of using brain power to say the same shit, so we're recapping it in two words, one picture:

Shit. Show.

Winger. Wednesday.

2010-01-27T11:42:00.003-05:00

As Brian mentioned in his (non-)recap last night, I had today's post all planned out yesterday. I had my question ready, along with my own answers. I even had some of it worded in my head already. And, after learning the result of last night's game, I had chosen an angry, alliterative song to include in the post; with the questions at hand and the raging music as a background, I thought for sure it would help us get the anger and disappointment from last night out of our systems.

Then Brian sent me a link from Deadspin (via Canucks' blog Orland Kurtenblog). And I busted a nut laughing over it. (Well, if I had nuts. I mean, I don't...oh, Jesus, explaining my genitalia to strangers is awkward. I'm a chick. What am I going to say, I ruptured an ovary? Just not as funny.) Anyway, I decided to change the tone of the post, as the link in question was completely apropos of the question I had in mind.

Today's magical question is another two-parter:

(A) Which current NHL player do you straight up hate the most?

(B) Which current NHL player do you hate, despite not having a tangible, legitimate reason to hate said player?

My answers:

(A) Patrick Kane.

Yep, this guy:

Why do I hate Kane so much? I mean, I could have chosen a softball: Sidney Crosby. I could have picked a well-known agitator, like Chris Pronger or Sean Avery.

The obvious answer is that I have an unadulterated, unapologetic hatred of all things Chicago Blackhawks. (I feel the need here to point out, parenthetically, that we have exactly one known Hawks fan in our readership. She comments on here occasionally, and really, I have no idea why she reads our site, although we find it to be awesome. A bit sadomasochistic, perhaps, but awesome nonetheless.)

You're right, though. I fucking hate the Chicago Blackhawks. We have a tag as such on here, and according to my kickass tag cloud, it's in the middle tier of our most-discussed subjects.

But I hate Kane for reasons other than that.

I hate him because he's a good player who is inherently unlikeable because he's a douchebag. Despite playing for the Hawks, there are--brace yourself; this is a big admission, coming from me--players on their roster I can admire for their hard work and lack of asshole-ish-ness. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Sharp come to mind immediately. Despite the rivalry between Detroit and Chicago fans, you'd be hard pressed to find a Wings' fan who could form a legitimate argument for Toews and Sharp sucking at life (Sharp's accidental spearing of Lidstrom's nad aside). Moreover, despite being a hardcore fan of one team, of course there are players we admire from afar. For example, Brian has a raging guycrush on Nicklas Backstrom. I love watching Ryan Miller do his thing (unless he's playing against us).

But I can't admire Kane. I don't care how many amazing shootout goals he scores. I don't care that he won the Calder. I don't care that he is one-third of one of the best top lines in the League right now. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'll always remember him as the guy who (allegedly) beat up a cabbie in his hometown. Period.

His apologists chalk up his behavior to being young and stupid. Hey, nobody knows the definition of "young and stupid" better than us over here. Vomiting on someone you're hooking up with because you're lights-out drunk? Check. Dancing on a bar and almost killing yourself in the process? Check. Not recalling--until someone painfully reminds you--the horrible confessions you made to people you hardly know, or, worse yet, to people you know too well? Check. We've all been there. But how many of us have physically assaulted someone and gotten arrested? (Jersey Shore aficionados, feel free to raise your hands now.)

Bottom line? In my book, he's a dick. And, barring him curing cancer, negotiating a peace settlement between Israel and Palestine, successfully encouraging nuclear disarmament, and convincing all nations to follow the Kyoto Protocol, he always will be.

(B) Ryan Getzlaf

I'll keep this short and sweet. Other than his playing for the Anaheim Ducks, I have no legitimate reason to hate Ryan Getzlaf. He's a great player. He's not even the most irritating person on his roster. But honestly, he just looks like a jackass:

Also, he always seems to throw a bitchfit (mouthing off, throwing water bottles) when he gets sent to the penalty box, particularly if the Ducks are trailing. Maybe he's just a hothead, or maybe it's misplaced passion, but really, it just comes across as lame.

Runner-up?

I had to do it. Mostly because I'm a little confused about why someone is teaching the Steegmeister how to do self breast exams. (Man, that girl in the red flannel really got around, eh?)

Thoughts, anyone?

While you ponder, here's a little mood music for you to celebrate the lasciviousness. Don't act like you don't love this.

This tastes like a glued up dickhole.

2010-01-26T22:38:00.003-05:00

Sorry, no recap of a game I didn't see tonight, which sucks, because I like reading those. What I can give you though is a quick story about how I came up with that little nugget of a title.

Here's how TSO spent their night - Watching the French film Amelie, which if you've never seen it before...definitely worth a watch if you don't mind subtitles. Anyway, as you know, we couldn't catch the game because we have Direct TV. Throughout the game we caught score updates. Well, movie is done, and we look at the score guide......4-2 Wings, with about two minutes left. What could possibly go wrong? We break out a big fat bag of candy and have a few pieces. Then......

....4-3. We can't blow a two-goal lead in under two minutes, can we?

WE CAN!!!! Never doubt kids, never doubt, not this year anyway. Not even watching the game we knew what would happen. So the always lovely Natalie breaks out this squarish piece of candy. It states on the clear wrapper it's called "Jelly Nougat", but what it probably ACTUALLY was is a small brick of caulk. She's eating it and asks me if I'd like a bite. Suspect, yes, but I'm brave. I say yes and take a small bite....

The first thing I can think of upon tasting this rejected tube of JB Weld or whatever the fuck it was is of course the first thing I say, as I sometimes have no verbal filter - "This tastes like a glued up dick hole".

What I MEANT was caulk because that's what it looked and actually tasted like, but I think this was WAY funnier. It tasted worse than a bukkake sandwich. And it's also a lovely metaphor for the game itself! Immediately after the game was over we see the highlights pop up on NHL Network. Hmmmmmm. Interesting.

So blog land will tell us soon enough how truly shiteous this loss was. Describe it in detail for us, folks, because without having seen it, it SEEMS like this game was a shitshow.

Nat has a great Wednesday question in store for you, but my initial thought this evening: This is probably the second or third most frustrating Wings squad to watch in my lifetime. Thoughts? The cup is for closers, as A2Y so eloquently put it (forgive me if I'm incorrectly attributing that quote). This team isn't that, at least not right now.

Return to KRONWORLD.

2010-01-26T11:28:00.025-05:00

Two days = massive eternity. No, seriously. I'm not joking on this one. We take a couple days off from the old McBlogster, and so many awesome things occurred in the interim:

1. We found out that Niklas Kronwall returns to the lineup...TONIGHT, against Phoenix.

2. As previously reported, Tomas Holmstrom says he may return to the lineup on Friday against the Predators. If this is true, I Can't. Fucking. Wait. (Is anybody else as seriously stoked as we are to have a Friday game to watch instead of a Saturday game? It gives us something to do other than go to sleep at 10 p.m.)

3. Somebody with the most kickass handle ever, DatsyukianGeek, started following us on Twitter. I could not stop thinking about this all weekend.

We also missed recapping the game against the Kings on Saturday, although, unfortunately, we did not miss the suckass game altogether. Can I take a five and talk to you guys for a second? TSO--both of us--had a particularly chaotic week with our jobs and whatnot, so we went underground for the weekend by literally running away. Before you get all worried and commence sending us greeting cards of your own, we're ok. Actually, last week resulted in some pretty good news for me, in the form of a "promotion" (best way to describe it--more money + more hours + more responsibilities) and the hiring of a new employee I'll get to menace. I'm greatly looking forward to it. I'm considering conducting my own interview, just to see if we hit it off. Here, let me run a question by you guys:

Question: Imagine a person enters our workplace, acts a fool, and then departs. Upon said person's departure, I make a killer sarcastic remark. Your reaction:

A. Laugh along appreciatively.

B. Quickly retort with your own snarky statement, thereby one-upping me and becoming my brand-new BFF and de facto soulmate.

C. Chuckle slightly, only because you're a consummate professional, but later give me an exploding fist bump to celebrate my awesomeness.

D. Scold me for my obvious lack of professionalism.

E. Burst into tears because you've never been able to grasp sarcasm. (Note: I do not believe in tears, so I will not offer you a Kleenex.)

I think it's a good barometer, don't you?

Anyway, as previously mentioned, the Wings take on the Coyotes tonight, and, as also previously mentioned, Nik Jr. comes back with a vengeance tonight. Now, if any of you read my comments on here--no, really, you all don't need to raise your hands at once--you may have noticed that I promised one of our readers, Dena, a surprise upon Kronwall's return. You see, Dena, as well as one of our anonymous commenters, has a lovesick, almost actually sick, obsession with #55, and, as you all know, we love to celebrate obsessions and fanatics of all kinds here at TSO. See, others would possibly consider putting them on a reality show or sending her to love rehab (Dr. Drew's available, right?), but over here, we place passionate fans like them on a pedestal. ~~I mean, it's not as if I haven't been caught peering into the window of #96's home.~~ Without further adieu, here goes:

Hey, look, I made a collage without the use of "chickenpox" (my feeble attempt at recreating freckles, as Brian is a freckleface. I'm glad the person who commented that it was chickenpox didn't guess herpes, though. I mean, I would have found it funny, but I'm not sure Brian would have enjoyed being known around the internets as Herpesface. And I definitely wouldn't want to be known as girlfriend of Herpesface. Wait, hearing that in my head just now did make me giggle...)

I have no idea what Dena or the anonymous commenter look like, so I just made them both Smurfs. Hope neither of you mind. Also, you guys have the longest torsos ever. Does that mean you're constantly looking for tunics or muumuus to wear since regular shirts are virtually impossible? On a positive note, can I just say that those shades of lipstick look fabulous on the two of you? Hope you ladies have the time of your lives watching the game tonight.

So that's what's up. The puck drops at 7 p.m. tonight. Alas, we won't be watching it. (Bitchface Versus.) However, you may be treated to one of Brian's fabulous "Recap of a game I didn't watch" recaps. Or you could just go to a blog with standards and consistency. In any event, let's go, Wings!

An Update on #96.

2010-01-23T12:53:00.012-05:00

Per Khan, for sure:

Detroit Red Wings forward Tomas Holmstrom said this morning that he is hoping to return to the lineup Jan. 29 or 31, which seems overly optimistic considering he has taken only a few light spins on the ice and hasn't felt good.

"I've been skating three times this week, nothing really serious,'' Holmstrom said. "I didn't feel that good, couldn't really push away. I don't want to push away either because it could get worse.''

Gotta love how anxious he is to return to the lineup; I just hope we get Homer back at 100%, so if that means we don't get to see him for a few additional weeks, I'll take it. We need Homer at his best, and we don't want to risk further injury to him.

Khan also points out that today is Homer's birthday. Oh, don't we here at TSO know it. (For sure.) I had this card all ready to go, but I had to redo it because I didn't think it was quite festive enough; it still had a pallor of sadness to it, and since we got the good news from Khan today, our smiles are just a little bit wider.

Also, per Khan, we learned of the following attempted hijinks:

He said he was watching his back, making sure Kris Draper didn't strike with a towel full of shaving cream.

"I've gotten him enough times already,'' Draper. "He's too easy a target because he can't move real good.''

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOMER!! (For sure, I know you're an avid reader of your #1 fan.)

Wings try to lose, still win 4-3.

2010-01-21T23:21:00.003-05:00

If you have some sort of heart condition, this team will probably have you dead before the playoffs. I hate to be the one to break that to you.

Let us start with the good:

The Wings tried for THIRTY WHOLE MINUTES!!!!! Seriously!!!!

Jimmy made some game-saving saves.

Todd Bertuzzi didn't take a dumb penalty.

A win is a win, I guess, right? Right? Why do I not feel good about tonight's game? Oh, right, because the Wings, while dominating the first period, were only ahead 1-0. Todd Bertuzzi could've had a hat trick; instead, that goon can't even get breakaway shots off. What a dolt.

Anyway, here are some of TSO's thoughts on tonight's game:

1. Again, good game by Jimmy. Not an "I'm Jimmy Howard and I'm going to own this game like it was a cock" (TSO=big Kevin Smith fan) type game, but good. He made many key saves and was huge in the shootout.

2. Natalie's take on Ville in the shootout: "He made me shit my pants. Runny." Her words, not mine.

3. There needs to be some kind of consequence for Babcock placing Dan Cleary in shootouts. Maybe I agree to TP his house anytime he pulls that shit. It should never happen. Ever. If he is the last guy.....maybe you put him in. Or maybe you let a backup goalie have a shot. I'm just saying.

4. Bert, seriously, what the hell? TSO is in the Pro-Tuzzi camp, but after the first period, though he scored a goal, I was VERY in the Con-Tuzzi camp.

5. Seriously, though, do you think Pavel Datsyuk loves or hates playing with Bert? They have chemistry, but do you think Datsyuk has started drinking harder because despite his best setup effort, Bert can't quite seem to bury much? Good lord.

6. Actual comment made by me during the game (after the third Detroit goal the PA played the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again") - "Why are they playing that? They don't need to worry about it. Backstrom won't get fooled again. The Wings will take their foot off the gas and not do anything else offensively." I didn't quite think they'd collapse like that though.

7. Seriously, this inability to finish is maddening. This would never happen if Franzen were still alive.

8. Darren Helm doesn't really ever have bad games, does he? Man-crush on Helm is intensifying by the day. Why isn't HE in the shootout?

TSO needs to go check out the next-to-last evening Tonight Show antics (and probably fall asleep after 30 seconds). A win is a win, right?